2010, so long, goodby...DO NOT RETURN!!!

well this has been I can say by far the worst year of my life!!!

but its over in 2 hours and 13 minutes, thankyou God above.

How are you ringing in the new year?? How do you plan on making this year Different???


So first off, Im ringing in the new dressed up, drinking with my sista, sitting in my duplex, watching "Fred" The movie! I know fun times. Right?? wish you were here I know;)

How do I want this year to be different??? hmmmm

well first off I would like to not want to off myself this year.

I would love if my kids could finally start to heal from thier dads suicide

I would really like to do some serious ED kicking ASS

Take a yoga class, and learn to be with just me...

Read all of Chelsea Handlers Books cause even though I have never seen her show her books are freaking hysterical currently reading chelsea chelsea Bang Bang, after just having read..."are you thre voodka its me chelsea" great reads, hysterical and great distractions after meals.

lessen up on my OCD cleaning insanity

Listen to my body when it doesent want to run

attend chuch regularly again

love on my kids, even though they drive me nutso.

invest better with my moula

be a better blogger

wait impatiently for my dear Bella to visit me...

did I mention KICK EDS ASS!!!

tell me, what do you want to do differently, keep in mind these are not resolutions, cause well they die down a week into january, these are long term over the year!!!

Happy and healthy NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!!

Love, Tara

To tired to see S

unfortunately I have to go cause she has my meds as I am not to be trusted with large amounts of medication, cant imagine why or what I would do with them, blahhhh.

I would really like to hop into a nice warm bed and sleep, I had a nice run and then the kids and I swam and the gym I go to, they have like a mini indoor water park that the kids love so we did that for like 90 minutes, then I got them lunch, I m freezing now cause its soooooooo COLD here. and I need eo go see S, then as I never go out I told a friend of mine we could go to the mall as we both have giftcards, yeah my fav thing shopping, actually I really like shopping, just not for me, So I wont get home til like 7:30, I will be cold and exhausted and have to force myself to eat dinner cause not eating anything for a day is no bueno, at least some dinner carries me through the next day...

K 1 more hour and I see S, it will be good though cause I havent seen her since last tuesday cause of christmas, maybe she can help me screw my head on a little tighter, sooooo sooooo sick of fighting my head, just wish it would shut the hell up, on the plus side I havent had a panic attack in 3 days, so thats really good...probably just jinxed myself, way to go Tara.

okay love to all, stay warm and hug a kids or an animal, we all need some love this time of year...lol mine are both kids and animals, best of both worlds I suppose...kids = animals, I have no pets, not since our hamster died.

okay peace out before I ramble some more.

Tara

post holiday fallout

believe it or not I ate like a pretty much normal person christmas and the day after. with minimal purging, today however, well Im back into my head...I saw K today, at 2,we had a pretty big snow storm, so I made it to the apt, after some shoveling, I had coffee this morning and when we were half way through our session she asked what I had eaten so far...I searched my brain and realized, I hadnt, so I had to fess, I left my food and exercise journal at home because Ima dumbass, normally I would just give her the journal and she would see nothing was written and then we would talk about and make a plan, somehow saying nothing seems worse then seeing it written down...

anyway I only did a 35 min run today, 4 miles, not bad considering I really just started actually running again in october, normally I run for 65 min but like I said we made a plan...

I stuck to it.

but its 7:24 and I havent even eaten what I burned while running, and Im full..I think, well definately not hungry, I already fudged my food journal I already wrote that I had my 10 pm snack of banana and boost, and I know I wont be up at 10 cause I feel crappy, and I dont even have any boost so I couldnt even if I wanted to, which I dont..

whatever this post is so dumb, Im just in ED hell and so sick of the same thoughts running through my head.

besides I should have run the 65 min, I feel like a failure for not, at least in the mind of my disorder,Im a failure.

I really can not wait til its bedtime

so sad

I miss him so much.

Im so broken.

My only hope is that he is spending christmas with christ.

I am wrapping presents alone.

I bought and decorated a tree alone.

I shopped alone.

I feel so alone.

Tears are falling.

Why it hit so hard this morning?? Im not sure.

But his presence is sorely missed.

I love you mike, and now I just dont know anymore.

New York Sucks...brrrrrr

Im so freaking cold I am sitting in my living with my winter coat on, 2 blankets, the heat on 70 and sipping on a hot non fat latte from STARBUCKS...Im soooooo cold, I hate this weather, I want summer back, as soon as christmas is over I want summer and the shitty thing is like we have no snow, so its going to be a freezing brown like christmas.

I thought I was a tough New Yorker, but Im not Im a wimp, who is cold and just wants to stay under her blankies, and in 5 min I must go out and bare the winter wind to get my lovies...

S says its cause of my ED that Im so cold, but you know what that may partly to blame but shit its 17 with a windchill of 10 wouldnt anyone be cold...Im thinking yes...I want to go live with David in florida, my bones cant take this much more.

whiner, Tara

"your my BITCH and Im going to eat you"

When I was at Renfrew almost 4 yrs ago, I broke down durning a meal, a very young, sweet girl whispered in my ear "that it would be okay, and that when she heard The ED voice, she would look down at her food and say YOUR MY BITCH AND IM GOING TO EAT YOU"

So you know what, thats what Im going to do, I had a plum today and cried, but Im making dinner now and Im going to eat that BITCH, scared yup, anxious hella yeah, am I stronger then ED, tonight Im going to be...

Love, Tara

Its back

That feeling of hopelessness and dread, of praying God will take us in our sleep, I just, I want to know if in heaven, our marriage would be whole, would we live as a family in harmony, would we be happy, would we love with no pain or anguish, I know he isnt in pain and more, I just want that for us, no more pain.

No I wont ofcourse not take mine or anyone elses lives, because that is murder, but the thought is still there, I wish it wasnt, but it is, and it makes it so hard to push on, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to not give up.

oh and while I was at the gym yesterday, I came home to hear that my down stairs bathroom had flooded, with over an inch of water, dripped down through the vent onto my stock pile of emergency food, ( yes I collect food, incase the world were to explode and my, kids need to eat), Im pretty devastated. and it flooded why...cause Ima dumb ass asnd while I was babysitting 3 other kids so yeah 3 plus 3 makes six kids and 1 me, I dropped the baby's nipple down the the toilet, dont ask me how, I just did, so yeah its stuck down there, and now I only have one bathroom, peachy
add it to the list of retarded things I have down in my life...could have been worse, RIGHT??? yeah it could have been. Dont sweat the small stuff, Iwont, I will just be grateful, it there wasnt any shit in toilet at the time, that would have been nasty:)

Love, Tara

Mean people go to HELL!!!

Thats it, I just think that they should know that being cruel for no other reason they just to be cruel or to fulfill thier own selfish desires to make themselves feel better, should and most likely will go to hell.


There is a bumper sticker that clearly states "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK"

I would like to add that not only do they suck, they should SUCK IT!!!

The next time someone who is a fucken cruel, pathetic loser crosses me or someone I care about, I will hunt down and rip off thier private parts!!

Yeah, so dont fuck with me or those who have meaning to me, cause I refuse to let abuse be in this world anymore ( blogger, or otherwise)

Stupid Fuckers

Tara, my real name not some no named holier then everyone else shit head.

S was impressed today.

she said Im fighting back, I saw her tuesday and hadnt eaten in a couple of days, but that night I ate the dinner my mom made me, and since wednesday, I have had 6 boosts and 2 more dinners, she said they arent really enough to be a full dinner but way better then I was doing, YOUR FIGHTING she said and Im so proud of you, I told her what Sia Jane commented on my blog and that it was helpful, and a good kick in the ass, I told her how after each of my appointments, I have 4 a week between her,(2) K (1) and pdoc (1) I seem to be able to do it for a "meal" then Im stuck again, I need the push at least right now...so loveing but pushing comments are really helpful in me fighting when I feel like I have no fight left in me...

Anyway I just drank my boost, and my knee hurts I had a to long run this morning and may actually listen to my body and just walkk tomorrow, which would be another step in the right direction.

So Im babysitting my nieghbors three kids today so when my kids get out of school I will have six kids til 8 pm...it will be exhausting but a good distraction, that seems to be the key right now, gentle kicks in the rear and distraction, what ever it takes right now...K, gotta go the 9 month old just spit up I think.

Love, Tara

I woke up hungry...

and my ED is haveing a field day, hunger, its what I long for that feeling of emptiness, for weeks now I have had no hunger so its been so easy to not eat, but when I m hungry ( starving actually) I feel this High when I am able to stay "strong" and not eat, It would be easier to eat if I wasnt feeling "powerful" from not eating, its so odd how mt eating disorder works, I feel Like I dont have a typical ED, which I am sure is insane, Im sure others ( many) feel the same way. Running always takes away my hunger so maybe it will be easier to eat after I run, how backward is that, running='s no hunger, shouldnt it be the other way around, one would think. Im so not normal, or so it seems. Does anyone else feel this way, am I alone in this or does someone else relate, right now I feel very alone. I keep thinking if I hadnt woken up sometime between 3:30 and 4 I would be hungry at 10:30am., besides if it was mon...wen...or fri I would have run by now, but I cant run til 11:30 (babysitter needed) so I will have to wait to 1 to eat, then I wont be hungry and it will be hard, but maybe easier then now, omg, I make NO sense, someone slap me!

Tell it like it is , S.

" Your anxiety and depression have reached all time highs because you dont eat, you cant use the excuse I cant eat bcause Im to anxious, because you are anxious ( to some extent) because you dont eat, this is insane, you come in, you cry, you try to avoid the truths, but the truth is until you step out of your box you will stay sick, you will continue to feel horriable, you will continue to want to take your own life, you will continue to stay stuck deep into the dark hole. You dont look well, you hurt, physically and emotional, your meds arent working, and you WILL end up in the hospital, if you dont withstand the short term INCREASED anxiety that eating will bring you, you have us to lean on, to talk you through it, to call, text, email, this isnt an "okay, I will try tomorrow thing" this is a now thing, YOU HAVE THE POWER, you need not stay a victim any longer, you are safe now, in pain yes, but safe, no more BS, do what you know you have to, and email me that you have done when your finished.

SHIZ

I told her a renfrew story about when I broke down at the dinner table a girl whispered in my ear, "just tell your burito its your bitch and your going to eat it"

S's last words, go to your mothers, look at your plate and say..."your my BITCH and Im going to eat you"

She thought it was hilarious, and was still laughing as I left, shaken from her sterness but feeling loved by her care...I went home and ATE MY BITCH!!!

with the help of my friend clonipin, and a good book as a distraction, That Bitch got ate!

Love, Tara

Its as simple and as difficult as that!

Your body needs food. Starving ( literally) for several days at a time will inevitabley leave your body to do what ever it can to find calories...like last night, I hadnt eaten in a few day, and sometime between midnight and 2 am I at ( cause I take inventory before I go to bed so I know) 7 vanilla finger cookies, 1 bottle of chocolate soymilk and a package of little bite brownies...this morning my anxiety is so high, I think I could take off in flight, but there is a solution to not sleep eating, EAT DURNING THE DAY!! Its as simple and as difficult as that!, If I could get over the guilt, shame,anxiety, despiar from eating unplanned food maybe I could do better today....really I would like nothing better then to medicate and sleep til I am sure I am empty again, but reality is I cant, so really what I must do is in a few hours start my mp ( 1 item every 2 hours til 8 pm), how I will manage I dont know, but really its just as simple and difficult as that.

Like the way that saying goes so I used it 3 times in one blog, shoot me...no really ...just kidding,

Tara

I may be loseing my mind

I spent all morning cleaning, doing laundry, playing with little man, reading with him, doing crafts, I thought, hoped, prayed that that today was going to be a better day, my sister showed up at 11:30 to watch little man so I could run errands, and go to the gym, and take Zack to the pdoc, I walked into the office and of just took over me, that exhaustion where you just need blankets and somewhere to lay down, I took him in, told about our week went back to the waiting room and curled up into myself for the rest of the session ( Its also where my pdoc is so they know me and know my issues, so no word was said as I sat freezing with my head in my lap) my pdoc came out and rubbed her hand through my hair, "do you want to come in for a few minutes??" "no" I shook my head "Im fine"....Im so not, existing in this choas of my head is making me really feel as if I am losing my mind, Im fuzzy and jumbled, a million thoughts and none at all, I ate a yogurt and am now freaking out about it, making me want to curl into that ball all the more, I should have waited, but I was dizzy, so really that meant I needed to eat, I have to make the kids dinner soon, dinner I wont eat, maybe the baked potatoe, maybe, I wish I wish I didnt have such mixed emotions all the time....panic or manic, depressed, exhausted, afraid, paralyzed, jumping like a bunny...I NEED TO BE STABLE, damit, please GOD help me be stable....sigh..I need to go help them with thier homework and make dinner, and baths, and my energy has been zapped, plus I have these like what feeling like these needles shooting up my legs, not all time but its bothersome..

ps, to all my beautiful readers who have been leaving me such caring comments, I feel so blessed, I really truely do, it lifts my sprits, and truely I love you all.

Love, Tara

Scared

that its become so easy to just not eat, to ignore hunger ball day til it becomes nil, til the emptiness becomes safe and comforting and til eating the next day seems pointless, futile a waste of time, half a meal and a couple drinks has become the norm, I fudge my food journal, unless I have done well, I dont want my tx team to think Im not trying, because I do, the extra calories come from night eating, which happens usually after numerous days of not eating...and the cycle continues...where will I be in a month or 2, I know this the route to the hospital,medical or phyc, either way I dont want , my kids cant handle it, I can not and will not do that to them, why is it so hard to ignore my feelings and do what is right, am I in complete denial of how ill I am...S says so.I dont want people around and when I am I make sure Im not sober, I ignore phone calls and textsI dont even answer my door if someone knocks...my world is my kids, the gym, the grocery store and target and the many appointments I/we attend each week...Im afraid of what I am becomeing, but I cant reach out to family and friends, they will think I have failed...hell, I think I have, I need something, bigger then me, God can you hear me?? Im so afraid.

stupid mood disorder

I spent the last 2 months hypomanic, my meds were adjusted and I had about 2 weeks where my major symptom was high anxiety ( might becaused or made worse my my lack of intake) but know I am so depressed, my mood has taken a nose dive, I saw pdoc and she upped my lamictal AGAIN, it will take afew days but I hope soon I wont have that increasing desire to curl under blankets and sleep away the day...today my day went as follows, get kids ready and to school, gym, shower ( thankgod cause I didnt yesterday) pdoc appointment, pick up some toys, take prn, huddle under blankets and sleep for 2 hrs, curse the alarm when it went off, smoke, blog, now Im off to go get my kids and do our stuff and me clean inbetween because I slept when I should have been doing laundry...

DEPRESSION go away, your draining the life force from me

Deep sigh...afternoon is calling, but I just want my blankets.

Boo, Tara

Anxiety...killing me slowly

my head is telling me it is the peanut butter sandwhich and cookie I ate last night, "thats why feel so you so sick, so incrediably anxious, you fucked up, you binged, your pathetic, if you didnt eat that sandwhich you wouldnt feel like such shit right now, starve bitch, make the feelings go away"

Logically I know I ate that sandwhich 10 hours ago, its not still him me and I needed it I hardly ate all day, I was weak and dizzy, and my body needed the protein...but I cant shake it, I know Im anxious because of yesterdays drama with the in laws, that they are cruel and rude to me and it triggers fashbacks of how they brushed off all the things M did to me and made me think it was all my fault, they are doush bags and I shouldnt let them give me a reason to destroy myself, but...

right now it doesnt matter because the anxiety is here and I know that not eating will numb them out, and thats what I want, I need it, I cant deal with this crippeling anxiety all day, I see S tonight and Im so overwhelmed Im not sure I will be able to articulate what they said and did and my response and how actually standing up for myself made me feel...

This anxiety, its destroying me, I cant sit with it or I wont be able to function today, and starving, well that will kill me, slowly, the anxiety is going to kill me...

I so scared, depressed and bloody fucking anxious...I just feel like throwing my hands in the air, and stop fighting it all together, other them my babies, I have no point in trying, they are my reason, I need to fight harder, I just know if I have it in me today.

Tara

My voice

I just used my voice with my in laws, its been causeing me such distress they way they treat me, I just texted them Im worried about thier response, but I finally stood up to them, Im not a doormat, and they better start respecting me, or they might not get to see the kids at all, they are my babies, and my babies dont even want to go anyway...

Score one for me, I used my voice today, first time in a long while.

Love, Tara

Irony

March 18th

The day he killed himself I wrote a post about the sun and fear and shit and how I needed to get over it.

The sick part, on the day I decieded I needed to change my disposition, he ended his forever, and in calling order, mine has been forever changed.

The sun does go away .... it may never come out again, and fuck, the darkness is killing me too.

The Run

She runs through the darkness, tears burning her face, running from the voice that screams.

She runs, to afraid to stop, to hear, the lies that she has believed, the voice that tells her who she is, what she is worth.

It follows her, gaining with her every step.

Faster she must go, harder she must push to escape, the fear, the pain, the beliefs.

The fear it consumes her, what if it catches her, So she runs, her face burning, her lungs on fire, her feet blistered and hurting, but still she runs, trying to escape the pain, the thoughts, the voice.

But there is nothing but the darkness, the voice, and her beliefs.

Is she those things, those dirty, horriable things.

She believes them, she believes they are her truth, so she runs, through the pain, through the fear, through the tears.

She must not stop, it will catch her, it will hurt her.

It's what it wants.

It wants to kill her...and it is...it makes her hurt herself, because she believes it, she believes the lies, they have become her truth.

She is told they are lies, but in the darkness they are real, they are her truth, she is so afraid, so she can not stop.

She must run.

Harder and faster, til she can escape.

And still its just darkness, darkness and the voice.

Whose voice is it?? Its his, and it haunts her, forever...maybe not, but now.

So she hurts herself, she cries and she runs, she starves and reaches within herself to pull out the poison, but it doesnt go away, the voice grows louder, and she is afraid.

She tries to escape, but its been burned into her soul what she is worth, and it is nothing.

So she will run, til the pain is to much to bare, til the pain becomes numbness, til she finds a moment of peace.

She will hurt til its over, til the voice stops the chase...

So she still runs.

She trips, she hurts, she cries...fruitless tears of fear...

Will it ever end??

Will it stop???

She doesnt know, so still she runs...

one more day!!!

Till I get back my computer, thats right the fixed my baby...sigh of great relief!!!

I think the last 2 plus months without my computer has really taught me allot, one I can go with emailing/talking to S everyday...or two I relasped when I lost my writing outlet...hmmmm

I think writing is really important for me, I purged my thoughts regularly to S, in between sessions, I needed that, will I go back to it, not sure, time will tell.

I have missed a dear friend, who so much more then just a friend, we chatted about everything and nothing all at once, we share so much its really insane, we live parallel lives, SHe has a wonderful blog, and has gone through so much and is coming out on top, just like I knew she would, Her blog is truthandbone@blogspot.comIm not sure if its private, might be but if it is you should ask for an invite cause shes a true inspiration...

anyway, I will get to the point not talking to her, as I think, might have contributed to my relapse, she straightened my ass out, told me like it was, and did it all with great love..

I believe I will need to put boundries on my use of the computer, as my kids need my full attention, Zack is progressing and I will update his blog tomorrow, but hes on meds and steps are going forward, which is good.

Im not sure what Im really talking about, except, I need to pull my ass out of this relapse, and I think this blog, and talking to Bella and S are part of it...

anyway need to run, kids need attention and I need to get to the gym, thankgod my sisters here!

Oh and we are putting up our tree tomorrow, made cookies to decorate for tonight, and I pretty much prepared a full on thanksgiving dinner for our tree decorating party...and we are going to actually chop down the tree, so it should be cool.

okay love to you all...

Oh and if you leave anonymous comments I have to approve them cause Im getting mega spam and really its quite annoying

Love you all

Tara

Great Thanks

I love my dear friends, who love me despite, inspite, and just because I am me, This Birthday has been so hard, I have not even known why I have been crying most of the day, Just that deep hole.

I love you, you all mean the world to me, Bella, I lifted a glass last night too, slightly early, maybe it was at the same time...I hope.

Love,

Tara

I have the ability

I am once again pulling myself out of a severe relapse, here's the thing when I fall I fall fast and hard, like a brick from a building, like I almost ended up in the wonderful hospital, "because multiple forms of purging can and will kill you" you know starving, running, purging and pill popping is multiple from what I understand of the definition...boo on me. but because I am me and some how have a moment of clarity in which having a heart attack is not the way I want to go, I pull up my boot straps, button my big girl pants and get to work on doing this recovery thing again for the upteenth time, what eves Im following (trying) (back to the minimum mp)which I have done fairly well on...4 out of the last 7 days, ED isnt going to kill me, Im stronger, I know it, I need to feel it but I will fake it til I make it...

Oh and p.s

Im starting to write a book, on paper as of now...I think the titles going to be..."Truth, Tragedy, and Triumph" ( dont steal my title if your writing a book too:))

It starts 30 days before my 9th birthday...and well since my story is unfinished, I dont know when it will be completed...I guess the day I realize my my dream of being my own hero comes true...so lucky all of you who get to say "I knew her when..."

lol

love you all

Tara

untitled

First I just want to say a huge thankyou to those of you who left such beautiful comments on my last post, you dont know how much it meant to come back 2 weeks later and read them, I NEED A COMPUTER, but really its my own fault that it isnt fixed, I mean, I would need to stay on the phone with Dell for like 4 hours and that doesnt really fit into my exercise, the cleaning, panicking, OCD schedule.

They are fiddling with my meds, but my panic ATTACKS are out of control, at least once a day most of the time, it just comes out of nowhere, I cant predict it, so it makes me really afraid to leave my house, my life has boiled down to going to the gym, appointments, going back and forth to my kids school, and shopping compulsivly at Target, its a very sad sad life, when I am home, all I do is clean, the SAME things OVER and OVER again, oh and I cook allot, food that I cant...wont eat, right now its cant, I really just cant do it, I have lost all will to try, its to hard causes to much anxiety and I already have so much of it anyway, that anything that makes it worse I just cant handle.

They say as you get older and have had an eating disorder for as long as I have that the relaspe's are so much harder and faster on your body, I have been in denial, but its true, at the gym last night my hand went numb and tingling as I ran, I was so afraid I was having a heart attack but I couldnt stop, I had to make it the number I set in my head, I did go home and have some gatorade but only because I was afraid of having a heart attack, and if I m going to die its going to be because I decieded to not at some random time, I was scared enough that I drank the dreaded poison water ( I KNOW ITS NOT BUT i HATE BECAUSE AT RENFREW i HAD TO DRINK LIKE LIKE 3 24 oz bottles of it every day, I grew to hate that shit).

I am a walking disaster, my meds are at S's office...STILL...because I cant be trusted, which i know, but it makes me feel so out of control, so defensless against the the thoughts of ending it, I cant, messy would be horriable for the kids, it would all be horriable for them that s why I agreed to hand them over..pdoc, sees me every week and now I have to do phone check kins 2xs a week, or they said they might section me, certify me, lock me away without my permission, the only thing I am doing right is my kids, I spend lots of time with them, once a week I take one of them on a date, we read and do homework everyday, they are always clean and well fed, they never miss appointments, and now zack is on meds and I do that perfectly, thats the thing though...everything must be perfect, the wierd thing, is that I dont want to lose anymore wieght, then people can tell my secret and will try to help me and I dont deserve it, I dont want to eat, but I dont want anyone to know either (my tx team knows, they are very concerned and throw the hospital word around like its a ball, which isnt going to happen, I might consider partial after the holidays but til then I am just trying to stay afloat)...im tired, and i need to go finish cooking the dinner i cant eat..I wish I had a magic want to make this last yr just not have happened, its so awful, its just been so awful, and Im so alone, and I miss my bella, so much I ache, I love you darling, I hope you see this, I miss you.

Tara

missing

there is a huge hole in me, I dont know what it is, I dont know how to fill it. I miss something I have never had so I dont know what it is, and it leaves me so so empty. I cry from the emptiness. I cry from, not knowing, what it is that I am missing...but I feel it this huge gaping hole in my body and I just cry because I dont know how to make it go away. How can I miss something that I never had, I mean, I never had it right?? I dont know. But I feel so so empty, and it aches, I feel like I am just a walking shell, that my soul is missing, that somewhere along the years, (teenage) I didnt evolve as I should have so I filled this hole with my eating disorder, and I drank allot in high school, so I just numbed myself to this feeling of not feeling.

and from 18 to 30 I was with Mike, and he filled the emptiness with chaos and shame, but it was still filled...

I am so lost, I am so sad and now my sister needs the computer, so I cant even finish my thoughts, I will cry again and try to figure out some non destructive way to fill the void but really, it feels like it may never go away, and who wants to live feeling like a empty shell...

yup, Im a downer AGAIN.

a writting assignment

I have my sisters computer as i was told to blog about my "EXTREME PTSD" reaction to something a older man who picks up his grandchildren from my kids school said to me...

Last thursday, a man whom I have chit chatted with for the past 3 years because we both pick kids up at the same time...I assumed he was a harmless old man til last thursday when he grabbed my arm pulled my ear next to his ear and said " I need to get to your house, I need to see you, I need to touch you, you just boggle my mind", I panicked, ripped my hand away grabbed my kids and almost ran to my car, I now panic every time I go to school, and yesterday was awful, I got extremely anxious, and it just got worse and worse as the hour went on, by the time I got to her office I was crying and shaking, I couldnt breath my arm was numb, it was aweful...all I could hear in my head was Mike screaming at me "you slut, whore, I told you, you were a cheat, slut, you deserved it, you asked for it, tramp..." over and over in my head it was awful, it wouldnt stop and I couldnt breath ( luckily she has my meds and she gave me a klonipin, by the end of the hour, I had calmed down enough to drive)

Im not sure how I am going to handle this, I now panic when I drop them off and panic when I have to pick them up, today I had to pick them up early (Zack had his last appointment for his evaluation) so I was spared...

I knew I had to work threw the physical and verbal abused I endured, but couldnt I get through the grief first, I have been an emotional wreck, I should have knew something was brewing at the gym yesterday, The mean Ed voice came on strong, telling me how dirty and disgusting and stupid and lazy I was, I wanted to stop at mile x, but I had said I was going to mile y, the voice in my head was horrible and degrading, and even after I did y mile, it still kept at me in my head I felt crazy, then I had that horrible panic attack...now Im terrified, so so scared.

I "had" to do y again today, it takes me 2 hours, and I still feel like its not good enough, at least I can realize, it wouldnt matter how many miles I did, it would NEVER be good enough...Im not going back to the gym, my body hurts, my feet hurt allot, I have no babysitter tomorrow, I could drop Isaiah off at the day care they run there, but I shouldnt I should sit with the anxiety...

Wow look at me avoiding talking what I should be talking about, I guess Im not ready to dig, I feel like my skin is crawling, I want to run and cry and scream all at the same time, and worst of all, I hate myself, and its just getting worse, every pound lost, the hate grows even more, but I just want to disapear, erase myself, make myself as unattractive as possible, I stopped wearing a bra and started wearing tak tops with shirts over them under my sweater, so I dont have a chest (im small chested but with a bra I have something) but subconsciously I must have known that, that makes me more "womanly" and after Thursday I stopped wearing the bra...I want to crawl into myself, I hate me...

Since I have taken off my wedding rings and put them around my neck, 2 men have specificly asked for my phone number, one man followed me to the car out of the gym and asked if we could keep in touch, one man at the apple orchard asked if I wanted to keep in contact so we could make "pies" together whatever that means and my next door neighbors friend has asked me out 3xs just to go as "friends for a few drinks" now this old man, I feel like a dirty whore, I want to dissappear, and worst of all, I hear him telling me all those things, I believe them, he said it and now I have become some kind of target, is/was he right, to I come off like I want it, I stay to myself, for fucks sake I cant even look a man in the eye, they scare me...but I feel

like a dirty whore,

I hate me, S says they are lies embedded in my brain by a man who was sick, that its typical for victims of abuse to believe the lies, but they are not true, I mean I have only had 2 boyfriends in my life and I married one of them, yet, I feel so so dirty.

Im just repeating myself, I dont think I did what she asked, but whatever, i feel dirty, she says Im not, but I feel it, and that isnt gonna change by writing about it.

another bummer post

I might stop writing, I think I make everyone depressed, I will try to find something positive next time I get a computer, but...no promises.

Love, Tara

Open your eyes...

So she says to the girl who is blinded...

Blinded by pain, grief, anger, fear, uncertainty, hopelessness....did I mention fear...

of being alone, failing, living, wanting to live, of forgetting, of remembering, of dreaming...

Ed numbs me, always has, but

It will eventually lead me down, down to deep despair, (could it be deeper?? S thinks so)physical, mental and emotional despair...

"you will end up in the hospital."

she says

I repeat over and over, "I will not go" my mind only thinking of ED hospital, "I wont go, no one can force me, Im not going"

"I know you refuse IP, but my thought is that if you collapse they will take you to the medical hospital, you will then be forced to stay because Dr. A and I will say you are unable to make your own decisions and so you will be then forced into IP, if your cardiac situation dose not kill you before we get you there..."

really??

am I that sick??

not yet

but I opened my eyes, I see...

S went through the check list of symptoms that landed me in medical the last 2 times, and I am doing them all, quicker and more severe then the previous times...she called me "severe" and said I had a "disabling disorder" that "WILL" kill me, or at the very least damage me to the point of having a much " poorer quality of life"

first thought

could my quality of life get any worse??

Im miserable...most of the time

most

not every waking moment but most

so

not every waking moment ...thats something

I will hold onto the "not every waking moments"

and remember, it might get better...it could, it doesnt feel that way, but it could right?, its a possibility as much as it is it could get worse ( which is where my mind goes) it could get better, I will hold that close to me...

I didnt purge monday or tuesday, I had some yogurt ( and a quarter of a bagel :) not the same one lol but part of a bagel)

I didnt purge yet today and I wont, I will do my best.

I dont want to let go of my ED, but ....

cause Im so afraid,

but they need me, and not any more damaged then i already am, Im gonna to try, I need to, I am so afraid, but I will try...I love you all for your support...thankyou.

and my sweet darling Bella, my hard drive is a fucker and dell is a fucker and Im pissed so pissed I might go buy a new computer, cause really how long can a girl wait..K says just go buy it...the good news, all is wrapped and ready to be sent TOMORROW...belated birthday, early Christmas...lol, I cant wait to head to the post office:)

Love, Tara

ps

If you know that I went by Zena, it was because she was a warier princess...a fighter...and I am I am Warier, I always fight in the end...I will fight before its the end.

hmmmm...my brother in law

just brought my mother home from her doc apt (she had foot surgery friday) its like 11:30 am, I brought in my coffee and the bagels my mom wanted...my brother in law is here working..."want one?" he says..."no thanks" I say, "Did you eat breakfast yet?" I stutter, " I woke up late...just got my coffee...need a cigerette...." "hate to break it to you the day started over 4 hours ago...have a bagel.." more stuttering..."no thanks, not now" he rolls his eyes, I pray he shuts up...he s gonna rat me out...I m fucked...

WHY CANT I BE NORMAL???

grrrrr


Im exposed

The next 5 minutes

Possibly Triggering If you are in a bad spot










"Just worry about how you will get through the next 5 minutes." I swear That is all I hear from my tx team ALL the freaking time...I finally blurted out " I dont want to live if its just trying to make it through the next 5 minutes every freaking 5 minutes"

Thats the crux of it, Its why I want to die, its why I am pretty deep in my disorder, its why my OCD is freaking off the charts bad, Its probably one of the only reasons Im not totally freaking losing mhy shiz because my computer is not working, there is only one real reason I want my computer back, she knows why. Not that I dont care about ALL of you, but I am not "allowed" to sit, I need to stay busy all the time, right now I am standing and typing because of the whole not being allowed to stop moving thing.

I have no projects left I have done all I can do and when I am not running myself ragged cleaning( scrubbing things raw), exercising, and dealing with the kids ( total insanity, yet I manage to remain calm, Im really not sure how, I guess its just my "I need to be the sane one" thing comeing through...only inside I am dying...

really what it comes down to is that I am just hopeless, I have no hope this will ever get better, that this horribleness IS my life, even i n my worst depressions, relaspes I always had some smidgen of hope in me, somewhere deep inside, my spirit might have been dulled, stuffed down by my ED, depression, anxiety, I always new it was still there...Its gone, I feel so hopeless, my spirit, my soul they have died and I am an empty shell...really I would like to know what is the point of keeping the shell here when the real me is already dead...Im not going to hurt myself because of the kids, but if I didnt have then, I would have done away with this world long ago.

I Hate to seem dramatic, but this is it folks my blog, raw emotion...and I am fucking sick to death of it.

Tara

Still busted

my computer needs a new hard drive

FUCKER

Im so pissed


TRIGGER....numbers...sorry if you cant read numbers turn back cause I need to "purge it"







My life has become small

and full of lies

eat this...800 cal a day for 7 days no purging/....


increase 300 per week for the next 4 weeks

she says

begrudgingly I agree

I only got her to agree to that number because I convinced her any higher would lead to me vomiting...

7 days

she said

anything more I cant agree with and will recommend hospital

wtf

Im gonna lie

bastards

what if I just stop coming? then what??

can you certify me then??

I dont know

so I lie

yes

800

yup

yesterday 400 food

300 vodka

make up food list to text

good job she says

it will get easier

today

300 food...300 vodka

and the treadmill...its got me

bastard

and cleaning

numbers

numbers everywhere

calories, minutes, miles, hours, grams, ounces, even, odd

its so hard

but soooo much easier then dealing with whats in front of me

pain

hell

lonliness

pain

grief

horror

nightmares

fucking life

life choices

I need to

step up

but Im

so

SCARED.

please dear lord have mercy on me, Im so afraid.

and so I lie

and pretend

but soon

it will be seen

I am not whole

and wonder

will I ever be....

Im okay...well..

My computer has been very sick and has been at the doctors for over two weeks I should be getting it back in a day or 2, I feel pretty disconnected. allot of important dates have happened this month and without my blog and my dear friend to talk to I have been a bit lost..very lost very very lost...

Do you call it a laspe or a relaspe if its been going on about a month...

yeah well I just fessed up to my tx team, So I might as well fess up to you all as well, you name the behavior and I m doing it, restricting, exercising, purging, pills what else is there...and I will tell you all what I told them Im just not ready I dont feel able to keep dealing with these horrendous amount of feelings of grief and loss and loneliness, It was making me want to kill myself, so yeah I know Anorexia IS NOT the answer but right this moment I need a reprieve from it all ( the feelings, they hurt so much).

Im emotionally drained from trying so hard to keep it together...I wasnt doing that great emotionally before ( as you all know) but as his birthday, the 6 month mark of his death, then our 8 yr wedding anniversary came around I just couldnt handle it..so yeah I lasped my mind needed to stop thinking about it all...so now I think about numbers and right now numbers, taking care of my kids and cleaning, its keeping me alive and so right this moment that will have to do.

Im sorry if I have disappointed anyone, this is just one more blip in my journey, my heart still wants Recovery but my head tells me the only way thats gonna happen is if I dont kill myself from the emotional pain first...catch 22 huh??

okay well Im sure I will get some replies to fight harder and some may even pull the whole your killing yourself and your kids are watching it etc...believe me I know it all, but the truth is if they found me dead from taking all my pills or some other methods I have entertained that would be far worse them me going through a little laspe and then when I am better able to deal with this stuff again, tackle it...really I cant even explain what my life is like, its a battle with my children every moment, and my poor zack and alyssa is modeling his behavior because I have to spend so much time "handling" his outbursts, she wants attention too...

Im just worn out, my head is always swirling...and really some rest would be nice but because I get up at 5:30 and zack cant fall asleep til 1 am yes 1, and I am woken up each night once by alyssa and once by Isaiah I get very little rest...

it is what it is right now...

I really wish I had time to check everyone sblog right now caus eI miss you all so much but I dont, soon I hope soon.I pray everyone is well.

Love, Tara

Technical Difficulties:(

My computer has shit the bed, i m going to go and try to get it fixed today after S, ( im on my moms right now)

real quick...

pdoc took my "stock pile" as she called it, left me with just what I needed and took my clonipin, gave me 21 pills which I need to give to S today, S will dispense my meds to me 2xs a weeks ( I see her twice).

Pdoc said that at least a part of me wants to live or i wouldnt have brought in my meds, I said said yes, but when they are there the temptation is so great, like telling an alcoholic they cant drink the voodka in the closet...anyway..I will be back as soon as I am able.

I love you all so much, thankyou for such beautiful and supporting comments on my previous post, it means so much, Those of you who know my on FB please check out my page, Bella a dear friend and fellow blogger went to the world wide suicide awareness memorial service (one was held in melbourne Australia) and she placed a letter that I wrote and a picture of mike and I on the memorial wall.

((B)) I am eternally grateful.

Love, Tara

right so...

post number 300!!

anyway in my current state, my T, N, and pdoc have communicated...with me..with each other after hours...I was promised by all 3 they would not commit me...if you all are not from the U.S...that means not to certify...plans have been made...pills to be given to pdoc, she will then dispense to me to give to S who will give me 3 days worthg at a time...S and pdoc will talk thursday to discuss any med changes...and both will call each night...S also instructed oncall services at her practice to directly call her so that she may immediatly call me instead of me talking to some shrink I dont know ( as she knows I wont do) and that in the past has inhibited me from calling services...

I will be safe tonight


tomorrow will come

I dont know know what tomorrow will bring

but

it might be better

Zack had another episode

I will speak about that on his blog

I m very scared and so have moved all my meds to my car for tonight...

this will pass

this too shall pass...

The BIBLE says so

Im holding on to any hope I might have

because at the moment

swallowing the 234 pills in possesion sounds really really peaceful

but

I will be safe

tonight

cause tomorrow

is a new day

right so..

til tomorrow

Love, tara

(drowning in a pool of deep salt water)

salt make you float you know...

Reached...

I have been touched.

a beautiful person who took the time/effort/care

to speak words of hope

stopped me from following through on plans I believed to be the only answer

two people

one who knows my every thought

and one who cared enough to listen

they have given me the courage to fight

another day...

I have been reached

I am here

because of 2 people who

reached

I am eternally grateful

and Im sure

my children are thankful

that

you

saved thier mother

both of you

are amazing

thankyou

for giving me

HOPE

Love and eternally grateful

Tara

heartbroken ...can it kill you??

I feel like I am dying, my insides hurt, my body aches, my soul it feels like its leaving, Im so depressed ( not sad anymore) depressed as in overwhelming, deep, painful saddness, that sometimes leaves me sobbing in tears and other times leaves me feeling so immobile that I stare out the window at nothing and pray death comes...saturday was my sisters wedding, it was beautiful and I held it together most of the night ofcourse as the night progressed the loss became greater and greater and I numbed it out more and more with lots and lots of wine, and when I awoke the next morning after about 4 hrs of sleep the pain...was so intense that I believed I was dying...I longed for it...but Im still here obviously, my kids felt it too, we were all exhausted but we couldnt sleep really we cried allot, missing him, missing him so deeply that our souls and spirits were being crushed, sufficated under the wieght of such a loss...his birthday is 1 week from today, Im really unsure if I can do this. For Fucks sake a person can only bare so much...

Im thinking of quiting tx, I know it may not be smart but maybe secretly I want to quit, so that I can just die, I know that if I quit, I will relaspe, and it will probablly kill me this time, I know I know my kids, but they hate me anyway, they would be happier with my friend alexis, she is thier childrens pastor I have known her since I was an infant, she s a wonderful amazing person, she gets them if I die...

Im crying as I type this because i want to want to live, but I dont rigfht now, its scary, its very scary to think that I am putting my own selfish wants above what would be best for my babies...thats what he did, I dont want to be like him, but this..this horrendous gut wrentching pain feels like more then I can bare...

maybe god will have mercy on us, and just take us all at once...sometimes I pray for that...these thoughts...tell me I getting ill and twisted because normal people dont feel like this do they??

Im asking cause right now..I dont know...

Im heartbroken...and really I think its killing me.

It didnt work

Its september.

Panic, Fear, exhaustion, Panic, Tears, Terror, Guilt, Shame, panic, Unknown, Fear, Terror, Panic...

I have been fitful, tearful and restless for some time now...and its getting worse, last nights tear fest was the culmanation of weeks (months) of fears and anxietys ...

I cantdont seeing it get much better.

and my contact is still in my eye, at least it feels that way..so now I have 3 contacts in...2 being in one eye...

really I m sucha joy to be around

sorry

Please lets skip september

Tomorrow i will wake up and it will be oct. 1st

yes it will

I will close my eyes and click my heels 3 times and wish with all my might.

I can not handle september.

The month must be skipped.

if you are new or have been under a rock for the last nearly 6 months..

September

Was

Mikes birthday month, he will have been 40 on the 13th,

Our wedding anniversary month, it would have been the 8th on the 22nd

and now its the 6 month aniversary of his death...( the certificate says march 19th, but I know it was the 18th) but whatever...september 19th...6 months

plus I have 2 weddingto go to, one I am in, and the other will be my fathers 4th marriage

I DO NOT WANT SEPTEMBER!!!

Im closing my eyes and wishing right now...tomorrow will be october

The Key to a sunday morning...

3 beautiful children.

1 sunny morning.

2 cups of flour.

2 tablespoons sugar

some baking powder..

a little salt..

2 tablespoons vegtable oil.

warm maple syrup.

waking up knowing that making pancakes with your children, is a memory that you just created ( again:)

Alyssa is pouring the batter onto the skillet,

Isaiah mixed the batter...

and zack is sleeping on the couch ( hopefully the smell will make him up soon)!

I believe the Key is not the Sun, nor the pancakes, but its my kids, they are the Key to this morning, the key to every morning to come...and yes they are the only ones who have the key to my heart.


Happy Sunday Guys, may your morning be filled with sunshine, pancakes and love!!

Love, Tara

ps tried to post a pic of alyssas pancakes but my photo option seems to have disappeared..what up with dat?

A bit better

I think.

The day is still a bit early, slightly after 9 am. The last few days have felt like a living hell, alternateing between waves of convulsive sobbing ( which dont worry occurs in the solace of my bathtub as I dont want my children to see me) yes they believe mommys tummy hurts but thats better then the alternative. The other emotion...the emotion I loath, fear, feel disgust at....anger...no I cant feel that..no, its wrong, stop it, dont say it... I have yelled at my kids, not because of the anger but because since all this happened thier behavior has been horrendous, they each see DR. B 1x a week then I see her with all of us 1xs a week, right now she is not on the mvp panel ( she will be hopefully by next week but this has been costing me 225 dollars every week for the last 3 months ( april and may she was on the panel but was taking herself off due to logistics, but she has moved and now will be on the panel...its just a waiting game) if you did the math that is 900 dollars a month just for thier appt. its very stressing especially when I try so hard to do what she tells me and it doesnt seem to work, ALyssa is sdoing allot of grief work and some behavioral, and Zack is doing allot of behaviorial and some grief, she is going to be starting him on "rage" track, she has workbooks and exercises and the lot to try to help him through this, when asked to identify emotions on a chart he could only identify 1..anger.."how do you know its anger? she asked "I want to use my fists to hurt someone" he said..and he does, mainly alyssa and me, it hurts horriably physically yes but emotionally its devastating, he is BECOMEING his dad. DR. asked about our family mental illness history, clearly she already knows mine, and that clearly Mike was a depressed alcoholic, but before that...what?? I dont really know and his parents wont tell me anything, he was fine boy, just a boy..although clearly he was not to start binge drinking at age 12 and continue doing so until his death at 39...SOMETHING was going on...

anyway that doesnt seem like Im doing better does it??

well I am sorta..

I hadnt slept in 5 days...maybe a total of 8 hrs in total durning that time but last night ( thankgod) I slept for 3 hrs..then 2 more..then another 3...oh thats 8 yeah...in one day thats great I dont feel spectacular but I feel like maybe I can face the day...I saw S on tuesday, we talked allot ( as usual) she was a hard ass, but also let me cry ( as usual) and has emailed me everyday since then...numerous emails..I answer she responds...it goes on a while ( maybe I should get her on G-chat..lol) but shes been very good, she sent me a wonderful email last night I cant remember it all right now but i will right inmy journal, it was about "parenting is not about perfection, it is about doing what we can to ensure that our children know we love them, that we will always be there and take care of them, that sometimes showing our love means we have to raise our voices ( ie yell) to ensure thier safety, so they are able to learn that mom can love them and not love thier behavior, but whether or not I like thier behavior my love will never go away...That parenting is about molding our children into who they are meant to be not who we think they should be, that all we can do is show them and teach them our morals and values and hope that some of what we say sticks...parenting is not about perfection...it is about love."

I needed to hear that, I think part of my semi breakdown was/is due that I feel I failing miserably at being a single parent, I feel like I am failing them, that its all on me and Im not rising to the challange. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts of relaspe ( no action just thoughts) I couldnt figure out why other then me saying well Im just fat...cop out.

Why am I thinking about relasping, I will tell you..because if I relaspe and I am sick and I am a less then par parent, it can be fixed with recovery, but if I am in recovery and I am still a lousy parent then I am just inept...and that feeling ...it feels so horriable...so horriable that I couldnt face my fear..but I feel like know I can..Im going to try, Im going to try to do this, all of it...

Its a bit better..not by much..but its a bit..and Im going to hold onto that, that today is a bit better, and today I can see a little hope..and thats all I can do....see the hope, and try to hold onto it.


Love, Tara

Yes he did..

I said it.

I took it back

I was crying

she didnt know what i meant

but I did

and he did

he left us

he did

he chose to leave

and its a secret i know

and they dont

and it aches

it aches so much

they cant know

but i do

its not fair

none of it

my pain...thiers

it makes no difference

that I know

he did

he made the choice

yes he did

he left us

we are alone

and I hold the secret within me

and I am so

broken

Panicked

Im so afraid, I can articulate the fear that is consuming me, I feel frozen, stuck, so scared...It hit me last night as I made dinner for the first time here, we sat we ate, I cleaned up and I froze, Im alone, I dont have partner. These children are my sole responsibility. I am responsible for all their needs, wants, happiness, It is I that buys and makes their food, pays the bills, takes them to appointments, plays with them, does their reading, holds them when they cry, comforts and disciplines. I am here ALONE. Its hitting me all over again, like a brand new hell. The loss of him feels greater then 3 days ago, I layed in bed and sobbed in grief, in fear, in panic...unable to even speak with a friend who has been thier 100% completely through this entire thing, I couldnt carry on a conversation. My blanket covered with tears and snot...I barely slept, and I am sat here under a (different) blanket shaking and trembling in fear...I was nervous but excited, now I am terrified, and I miss him so much, It feels so completely wrong to have moved to a new place and hes not here. I know they feel it to, I want to go home,I repeated that over an over again last night...the problem...I dont know where that is...all i know is my heart, it hurts and it wants to go home.

Tara

My new Pad :)

okay so you all know me and pic posting dont go smoothly...my captions never come up under my pics...so lets play a game...I will post the pics and you figure out what pic is what room:)
1 is my Kitchen, 2 are of my boys chilaxing when they first woke up in our living room ( alyssa was still asleep), 1 is of my "work" space..hmmm is that my blog up there:), and there is one of well part of thier playroom...there are also 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, but I dont feel like taking anymore pics, beside blogger only lets me post 5 at a time for some resaon...its probably me but oh well...okay now GUESS!!!

love, Tara

Im moving

As in RIGHT NOW!!

suprizingly I have yet to have a panic attack :) and yes it suprizing!!!

clearly I know have WI FI, just hooked up apx 8 min ago.

half of my furniture is going to be delivered in 1 hour.

The other half will be moved from me madre's to here tomorrow.

I will have like 25 boxes to unpack.

But I already organized my whole Kitchen and both bathrooms.

I cant wait til my living room and Kitchen furniture get here.

Oh and guess what I hung up my window treatments ALL BY MYSELF!!!

yep I used a screw driver and a hammer and Im still in one peice...holy shiz, Im becoming a man!

SO yeah GUYs Im on my own for the first time EVER!

Lets see if I can keep my shiz together...no wait I know I can :)

So from now on this blog will journel my life a new...scary thought, but much needed.

Post pics soon, when it looks pretty!

Love, Love,
Tara

Zacks 6th birthday!!!

Zack I think for about 3.5 hrs forgot about everything but fun, it was a beautiful day. He was surrounding by about 20 friends, swimming, bouncing on a 30ft, bounce and slide ( water sprays out the top so when you run and slide...you slide 30 ft, down on your belly into the other end of the bounce wall) eating cotton candy ( yes I rented a cotton candy machine learned how to use it...thinking my next job will be at a carnival :) ) opening gifts and eating cake...he just ran around and played..he had fun, we all did.

It was a very good day thrown in amoung to many bad ones, but as the last guest left, reality hit him, his saddness and anger was back...and he uttered these words "I dont have a dad, I dont care mommy...I dont care who you find, I just want a dad.." and my heart broke again for 500th time over the last 5 months.

Fun is all well and good, but if I could heal his heart I would give every penny I have....just to see my boy smile at the sun....just because...well its there.

Tara

I love you Zack, I will forever do what I can to see you happy again...one day you feel peace and joy just because...and until then..I will do whatever it takes.

Love, Mom

I cant even think to write...

Guys, Im so broken

I dont even know where to begin...

My sisters one whom is getting married in a huge hoopla wedding in 2.5 weeks and the other who just graduated law scholl are not speaking. I cant even describe to you all the reasons why, they both have reasons...but...its soooo heartbreaking.

law school sister is refusing to be in wedding

wedding sister says if she isnt in the weddingand happy about it law sister is cut out of her life for ever

law school sister says she hates wedding sister and wants her out of her life anyway...

and well

my kids are seeing all of this

They have seen so much and lost so much in thier young lives and now for the only 2 aunts who see them to be at war, its very very upsetting.

and for my sisters not to see that life is to short for such hatered (and that it what it is, this is not some fight, they have both used the words hate and lifetime in the same sentence) its really aweful, and its breaking me even more then I already am...im at a lose, I dont know what to do or say anymore, niether of them can see past thier own noses and its so so sad.

I am moving in 9 days the wedding is in 16, 1 month from tomorrow would have been Mikes 40th birthday, 1 month and 6 days from now will be the 6 month aniversary of his death and 1 month and 9 days from now would have been our 8th wedding anniversary...if I make it through the next 6 weeks it will prove I can do anything...but right now I dont know how I m going to make it...

my heart feels shattered

sigh

please dear GOD let my sisters work this out...

Love, Tara

Lisa needs our prayers...

Hey guys,

Lisa, from This girls life is in serious need of our thoughts and prayers. Her life has just been flipped upside down, I dont know any details except that her and her family our okay but she just lost everything in a flood, Im only writting this so that we may all send our positive thoughts and prayers out to her and her family, Im not sure what type of internet access she has and hopefully she will be able to update us soon...but for now, lets just send her all the good vibes we have, Im sure she needs them right now.


Love, Tara

blogger is peeving me off cause it wont embed the link to her blog, but its on my blogroll so if you dont know her and want to...its there

stupid blogger

okay love love

and the Bible says it best!

Is not all human life a struggle? Job 7:1

I struggle as we all do...

God is with me (us), God loves me (us), God is on my (our) side.

I will not not give up on my struggle!

" Now if there were no mountains, Lord I might forget to pray. If there were no trials, I might even stray. Lord dont move that mountain, just give me the strength to climb, and dear Lord dont forget to remind me you walk beside all the way."

My life it seems as have many others have been nothing but mountains, I am forever seeming to climb and slide back down. But that is life, The declaration of Independence states that we were given the right to life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness, it said nothing about a GUARANTEE for happiness. And really what is it that would make me happy? Wealth. Health. Freedom. No sorrow. No pain. Thinness. Perfection. What if I had all those things and I was still sad? What if none of that would bring me peace? Clearly I have had some of those things and was still miserable, so what I must doo is just keep climbing. Every mountain that I reach I will climb knowing my joy comes in the satisfaction of reaching the top. There will always be some mountain to climb, there will always be some struggle, but I will continue on my pursuit....of happiness, life, joy, peace and freedom and I will take solace in knowing that even if I never achieve those things here on earth, heaven will be all the sweeter when I arrive (50+ yrs from now). I will no longer cry that my struggles are to much to bare, that the pain is to great and that I cant possiablly survive, God will help me through, he is walking beside me, so though I am weary and weak and I struggle ..."Is not all human life a struggle? Job 7:1" yep it is, Im no different then the rest of the world...except I KNOW God is on my side.
and he is on yours too.

I struggle but its okay.

God will see me through.

I will be better then okay.

I will climb my mountains.

and I will be glad that they are there because the view from the top is sure to be amazing...(even though Iam afraid of heights...god will see me through that too :) )

Love, Tara

Holy Mother F'er...

I am moving.

I have contractors at MY house.

I have to buy all new shit as I got rid of all of Mikes and my stuff.

My sister is getting married in 4 weeks.

I am in the wedding.

I feel like a balloned elephant.

I had to try my dress on this morning as I have a fitting today...(I have avoided this due to the fact that I have gained since I bought it 5 months ago)

It just fits.

If I gain a pound it will not (well it will make me very uncomfortable)

SO

my answer....

FUCK FOOD!!!

Im under super stress, and to boot I look like a hungry hippo...

Im very sorry as I seem to be a dissapointment to all lately ( my mother as made it very well known to me how I am completely inept)

I might as well do what I do best...Come on Anorexia here I come...

Hey If I m gonna feel like shit regaurdless THEN I would rather feel like shit and be thin then shit and fat.

yes I should be past this all by now.

but Im not

just add it to the list of failures your keeping (mom)

Tara=Recovery

I was fucking stupid for ever even thinking that I could do it...that I deserved it...

Fuck it.

FUCK IT ALL.

right this moment...

I feel completely unhinged

and hungry

good, I should be hungry, I look at myself and want to vomit.

okay

well there I said it.

and seriously if that freaking chick (tenny21 something) makes some nasty comment on how this makes me a shit mother, I might just totally fucking ape shit.

Right now this is my reality, ,my truth, my blog....no point in lying.

now I must go shower and try not to gag.

yep todays gonna be great:(

If I were a Tree..

My roots would be deep and keep me grounded

I would soak my nutrients from the soil of the Earth

My water would come from the heavens

I would flourish and bring forth fruit

I would create oxygen and give life

but

I am not a Tree

I am not grounded

water scares me

What gives me nutrients scares me

I can bare no fruit

I can not breath

and so

I am

very

very

Sad

the end

The Grave

I went to his grave yesterday

I hadnt been in 2 and half months

I really dont like going

I cry so hard

but

The kids have asked repeatedly over the last month to ( they hadnt been yet, as I didnt think they were ready) but now I guess they are...sorta

Zack wanted to dig him up to see him again...and he tried..he asked how far down 6ft was...

to far I said

Why couldnt we just keep Alyssa asked...

I didnt know what to say except, that when people die they are buried, Its hard and it hurts but that the way it has always been so no we could not just "keep" him

children know nothing of decomposition

I was not about to tell him that daddy is really no longer there that what is left is just to unspeakable for me to think about

They all left things for him

I cried

Alyssa cried

Zack again tried to dig him up

Isaiah played in the grass and dirt...then cried a little

I hate this

This has not gotten easier its only harder EVERYDAY

135 days and we are still living in a fresh hell

I dont see it getting better soon

My children are so broken

Thier pain is to much to bare

I ache everyday for them...for myself..but for them it hurts even worse...

People say..."TIME"

I say FUCK TIME

Time has not been our friend

WE have been robbed of time

but

all we have left is what seems to be Time...endless time of pain and heartache...

really they deserved so much better

and I cant make it right for them

now I will go take a hot shower, sob, and try to burn the pain of out my soul with scalding water...

It wont work

but

I dont know what else to do.

Tara

The Earth is off its Axis

The Gulf turned black with oil that spewed from pipelines under the sea. Earth quakes are shaking all over the world killing thousands and thousands of people and leaving millions of more with out homes, food or water. Floods are consuming city's and towns, eradicating wildlife and plants that at one time flourished. Fires consume the earth destroying it, killing the soil and trees that once grew. People are dieing by thier own hands, jumping off bridges, throwing themselves in front of trains, swallowing lethal doses of medications, hanging themselves. Every 16 minutes someone attempts suicide and 30% of those people will succeed. Something is very very wrong in this world, Our earth is trying to tell us something, I will not stand on my soap box and preach to you what I think is wrong and what I feel is happening but i will say this to each one of us who are killing ourselves through our eating disorder .... That is not what was intended for us (you).

While it is entirely true we can not do anything about the Earth shaking, or floods, or fires, we can and we should be hyper aware that people are dying. From cancer and Heart disease, and too many things to mention. All of those things are beyond our control ( well maybe not heart disease...but you get my point). Death by suicide, whether it be from a gun or starvation IS within our control. Mental illness is real...it kills..people who need help arent getting it, and some who are receiving help arent willing to participate in their own healing...This has to stop! We need to do something to stop this senseless phenomenon of people ending their own lives...I dont know the answer but I do know awareness is the key...

If someone you know is depressed, suicidal, sick with any type of mental illness, reach out to them, give them a number to call, tell them they are not alone, hold them, tell them their lives have meaning.

And for those of you who are reading this RIGHT NOW, who feel like you have NO ONE, I am here to tell you, you do have someone,GOD is with you, reach out, you are NOT alone, your life has GREAT value, this planet would miss you if you were not here...YOUR LIFE HAS GREAT PURPOSE!!!

Please everyone be safe, love yourself today, know you are of great value and are loved whether you feel it or not.

Much love, Tara


EDIT:

Im very sorry as I rushed to type and post this morning I posted some inacurate facts, not because I didnt know them but because I, well was in a hurry...the correct statistics are as follows...EVERY 16 MINUTES someone is successful in committing suicide across the U.S, I dont know of the facts for other countries, that 30%of all attemped suicides are successful and suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death of all men in the U.S. also women are 6 times more likely to attempt suicide but men are 3 times more likely to be successful...also...most men dont leave notes, their actions are much more dramatic and leave little to no room for failure...ie, they use guns and hanging themselves, women tend to over dose and cut, either way they are desperate actions by desperate people...So if someone you know is hurting or if you are hurting...REACH OUT! LIFE IS ALREADY TO SHORT, we do not need anymore senseless deaths.

again Love Love, Tara

I am my own HERO!

28 days before my 9th birthday my father left our family, I was devastated, my life shattered, my hero....GONE.

I suppose its not normal for a nine yr old girl to read books like "Go ask Alice" and dream/wish I was Alice, that I could numb out like she did and suffer the way she suffered, I was 9 and wanted to hurt, hurt on the outside so that someone, anyone would know that my insides ached.

So I did what i could tolet those around me know that I was in pain...I screamed and yelled, I would hit my sisters and myself, I would threaten to jump out of windows, lock myself in the bathroom with the razor and tell my mother I was going to slash my wrists...I was literaly screaming for help, but no one came and my mother fell very ill with extreme anxiety and dehibilitating depression, she didnt get out of bed...for almost a year, at around the 6 month mark my grandmother came to live with us for what turned out to be 6 months, someone needed totake care of us, and apparently my attempts as a 9 yr old werent panning out as I thought they should be....I was 9, my middle sister (s) was 7 and (L) the youngest was 4, I thought I had it all under control, I fed my sisters ( so what it was mostly frosted mini wheats and Total cereal) I got my middle sister and I up for school and got us on the bus, I guess somehow my mother managed to bring my youngest sister to pre-school but when we returned from school she was either back in bed or cruled up on the couch in a ball...crying and shaking..

So my grandmother came to take care of her...oh and us I suppose...Life was very scary, I was afraid my mother would die or kill herself and that I would be left to take care of my sisters...( I didnt realize that they didnt let 9 yr olds have custody of thier sisters...so I went on believeing I had to make sure everything stayed "okay" cause afterall it was my job)

I suppose it was then that I decieded that I needed someone to save us... but I dont think I realized that til I was about 13...until then it was me, I was the girl who would save her family...and I tried, I really did...and eventually my mother got better and started to retake over her role as the "mother" but by then I was bitter, who did she think she was taking over my job and telling me what to do...so my 9 yr old self came back and I needed to hurt so that people would know that I was in pain...

I beleive that was the onset of my eating disorder...it would come and go...I wouldnt eat for a day or 2 and then I would eat again...it was fleeting, it wasnt serious and definately in my head was not a problem because if it was SOMEONE would have noticed, someone/anyone would have tried to save me from myself...but no one did...

my mother remarried ( well she became engaged when I was 14 freshmen yr highschool) and that was when Anorexia came to my rescue, Anorexia became my hero, it stopped the ache in my heart and made me feel strong, a few months after my mom remarried she noticed I had lost allot of weight, (she saw me changing in my room) she freaked out, and immediately called our pastor and her friend who was a nurse...they staged an dinner/intervention...when I refused to eat ( I was so relieved...they cared) it turned ugly...but as the night drug on I finally reached for the pretzels and began to eat...and as soon as I ate that first bite, I was cured, at least to my mother...and so highschool went on like that...I would eat/starve/exercise...gain/lose...over and over

and no one knew how much I hurt...all I wanted was someone to save me...

I graduated...

and became so depressed I couldnt get out of bed...I wanted to die, no one was coming to save me, there was no point...I needed this pain the pain of the last 9 yrs to end, but I was to afraid to do, so I turned back to my old hero..Anorexia...and this time, I jumped in deep...

I met Mike when I was 18 ( I graduated young 17) and I thought I had found my hero, it was him, surely he could rescue from my pain and my misery, surely he could love me enough so that the hate I had for myself would disapear...but he couldnt, he was sick too, he was 10 yrs older then I and a chronic severe alcoholic, he could be loving and sweet and wonderful and like dr.jeckell and mr.hyde he would change into what I look back on must have been some kind of incarnate of satan...beatings and tongue lashings of telling me how useless and worthless I was, that I was lucky he loved me because no one could ever love someone like me...followed by profuse apoligies, that it would never happen again, things would be better, that he loved me, to forgive him...and I ofcourse I did, in the mornings I would think my hero had returned and at night...he was gone.

sidenote: I was officially diagnosed with AN when I was 19 but I refused tx, denied I was sick and went on to live some half ass life.

The fallout came when I was 21, I hadnt seen my mom in sometime, I avoided her, I knew I didnt look well I didnt care and I had this great fear she wouldnt either so I just starved myself into nothingness...when I was 21 I collasped at work, my b/p was so low it was unreadable and my pulse was so high they couldnt count it...I couldnt see, or move, or talk, but I could hear...its kinda silly because as I look back on it my greatest fear was not that I was dying but that they were going to lift me from the floor and see how "fat"I was...( I worked in an alhiemers home) so when one of the custodians who worked there lifted me from the floor and layed me on the bed...and I heard his words and the fear in his voice "oh my...shes just bones..." see I wore scrubs to work, with many a layer underneath, yes they all knew I was thin and didnt eat but when they can see you because the emt's have ripped off your cloths to put moniters on you and possiable shock your heart back, they all saw the bones...I couldnt see but I could hear the gasps, and I was humilated.

As I layed in that hospital bed, surrounded by doctors my mother rushed in ( my supervisor called her) and she too was horrified by my appearance, I wasnt quite sure what they all saw, but my only thought was "NOW, someone will save me, Someone will be my hero"

The doctors informed my mother of my illness, that she needed to get me immediate help or I would die, she readily agreed, she insisted I come home to live and do a PHP program, that I gain weight, that I stop this abuse on myself...

Although the thought of going into a program and gaining weight terrified me, I was all for my mom taking over and saving me from myself...Finally, I thought again...my hero.

But after 12 weeks in the program and minimal weight gain she was fustrated,as was I ....I was pretty naive to think that all I needed to be cured was for my mom to love me and take care of me...Ed was far to strong by that point, and I far to unwilling to participate in my own healing, after all it wasnt me that needed to change anything it was EVERYONE around me...couldnt they see I COULDNT help myself, I needed someone to save me, I needed a HERO.

I was Discharged from the program into the care of S, who was/is nuturing, and kind and loving, and strict and stern and understanding...and everything I wanted my mother to be...I moved back in with Mike because I was so angry at my mother for not saving me, and besides I had finally found her, my hero, yes S would save me, she would cure me and I wouldnt have to hurt myself anymore...

but yrs went by, I was still very sick...I had babies and stayed sick, I couldnt figure out why after so much therapy, so much tx, so much verbalization of how much I hurt inside NO ONE would save, I just didnt understand where my hero was.

So I stayed with Mike, we had 3 babies, the abuse/apology cycle continued and I stayed sick...I prayed that Mike would get better so he could save me...but after so long, I no longer wanted to be saved...death seemed like a nice option, I half assed attempted a few times but really I just wanted (again) someone to save me...

Last november the final straw was pulled when my tx team told me that if I didnt leave M, they would be forced to call child services as the violence in the home was just to much and they could get caught in the cross fire...that was all it took, them telling me that I could lose my kids, I left the next day, I was determined that even if I couldnt save myself I could save them.

But even though I left him, my hope for him to Recover and be my husband and thier father was not gone, I held onto that hope that all would be well until march 19 2010...that was when all my hope for my future and for someone to save was smashed...he was dead, I was alone...who was going to save me now.

I have spent the last 4 months in hell, afraid to move, to breath, to live ( all of those things are still true) but as I talked to S last friday, she asked me "Tara, what is it you want?...What are you waiting for?" I looked away from her and sat there in silence for about 2 minutes...and when I looked back, this was my response " I have been waiting for 20 yrs for someone to come and save me, I have been waiting for my knight on that white horse to ride me off into the sunset since I was a child. I am so scared. My Hero is not going to come, there is not going to be anyone comeing to save me, I have to save myself." as tears streamed down my face I continued..."Its time, I need to save myself, I NEED TO BE MY OWN HERO...its time."

She smiled, she came and put her arm around me and said "Yes...Yes its time, but you dont have to do it alone, I will help you learn how to be your hero, Im so proud of you...its time."

So I am sitting here writting, letting you all know, Im not waiting anymore...I will save myself, I will be my own HERO, my journey will not be a straight line, but it doesnt really matter because I am in charge of my destination...I am charting my course, I am not 9 anymore, I dont need someone else to save me, I can and will save myself...and when someone asks me who my hero is, I am will look them right in the eye and say ME!!

Be your own heros guys, its taken my 20 years to realize this, only we can save ourselves...but the good news its not to late...FINALLY I figured it out...I AM MY OWN HERO!!!

Love, Tara

I have so much to say..

but things are all jumbleded in my brain...I cant make the words make sense right now, but I am here, still trying and moving foward...tomorrow a real post of what I really want to say..its good, some really good revalations...glad I didnt bail out on S like I planned...

okay til tomorrow when my head will be clearer ( fingers crossed)

Love, Tara

Courage

Please Listen...I am choosing life...TODAY!!!

Love, Tara

The Earth...

Its just after 9 pm, I just spent a few moments laying outside in the grass, feeling the ground and the earth and just being still, trying to feel something other then pain...and momentarily I felt a sense of calm, as I ripped pieces of grass from the earth and placed them on my stomach I imagined myself becoming one with the earth, finding peace there. Trying not to breath in the pain of my existence but to breath in the life the earth gives us... I imagined myself as a stem of grass, growing up from the soil of the earth, pushing threw the soil, and breathing in the fresh air of life...and for a moment I felt it, I felt some life, peace...some relief...I wanted to become the earth, I wanted to just be the earth...to have only concerns of growing, producing oxygen, and showing others my beauty...and then as the grass piled onto my body my thoughts strayed away from beauty and turned to thoughts of the earth consuming me, swallowing me into it, bringing me into its core and leaving me there to rot, to deterioate and waste away into nothing...from dust we were born and to dust we will return.

I layed there and swelled with tears wondering in horror as to what my husbands body has become, is he just bones now...what is left of him...and why has this happened..

Is he dust yet?

Has he found peace??

Will I ever be able to accept this reality?

I can not wait another 50 odd years to know if he is okay, if he is happy, if he is heaven, Is his pain over??

I am unable to feel peace, no matter how my moment starts ... it ends in terror...I can not continue this way, my life has become a nightmare...

My anorexia was my illness, yes its an illness but at least I had some say in how I would/not recover...this...

This I have/had no control...no say...no way to fix it...

and so I wait..

from dust we were made and to dust we shall return...

Dear lord...I dont even know what to pray...

should I pray for dust??

I dont know really...

because really even this earth cant help me now

le sigh..

i am sitting outside at our table on the deck watching 4 children swin in the pool, (alyssa has a friend over)...i was in the pool playing with them but my headache got so bad i needed to get out..im having lots of them (headaches) lately, really the only explanation is stress, and there really isnt much end to that in sight so i guess i will just pop advil and deal with it...

anyway...is it crazy that everything I (we) do makes me so sad, i am consumed with the fact that hes dead, the thoughts/images surrounding his death never go away, no matter what i am doing they seep in, I feel like they are sufficating me, like i am emmersed in them like a pool and they are just everywhere....i want to get out of the pool but I cant seem to do it, there is no latter and the ledge is to slippery and I keep falling back in so I just stop trying and then I am engulfed in the horror and pain.

I keep saying I am just really sad, like if I just say sad then I cant be depressed, but i dont know I think I am only fooling myself...if i really look at how i feel, I think i am depressed....if it were up to me I would sleep all day everyday, i would just medicate myself to sleep...because once i fall asleep i cant get out of bed ( I mean I do but its soooo hard) i hit the alarm like 5-6 times, making me rush to get where i need to be because i couldnt get up...I recognize this as a problem because this is what leads me to start missing appointments...it just becomes to hard to get there...to much work and i cancel, usually from my bed.

and missing appointments leads to full on depression and relaspe...

and that CAN NOT happen, as there is no one but me to take care of the kids, I cant get so depressed that S says Im unsafe and need to go to hospital, cause well Mikes not here to take care of them...it just me.

But what if I keep feeling like this and it just keeps getting harder and harder..I mean I have already had to stop typing 3 times because I either a) lost my train of thought or b)started to cry.

My heart is broken.

My dear friend and I spoke about dying from a broken heart, how it happens with animals and couples who have been together for a really long time, at the time I told her we were to young for that but I dont know anymore, i feel like i lost this huge part of me and without it i am slowly dieing...

and the funny thing is, right now my eating is okay, and i feel sooooo much worse emotional and physically then I did 2-3 months ago...(dont shoot me for saying this) but it makes me think maybe AN was somehow keeping me alive, that all these feelings all at once when you have been used to not feeling any for so long is just to much for my body and mind to handle.

it will be exactly 4 months next sunday....115 days ago today...and that is how i count my life now..its not the day of the week or the date...its by how long ago it was that he committed suicide...

im fucking sobbing right now...honostly this pain, i just dont know how much more i can take.

Tara


oh and I will have the pictures posted soon...just cant do it right now

so ...

I am leaving wildwood today, the kids had a great time and I will post pics ( like in a couple posts to show you there coolness) and dont get me wrong I DID have a good time, but I would be lieing if I said there wasnt this enormous hole in my heart the entire time, I felt it the first night we were here about 9 pm watching the sun set on the beach, the kids were slpashing in the water, running and jumping and digging in the sand, and I sat there half in the water and began to openly sob, I looked to the sky as the tears ran down my face and just could not believe he was gone, and the incrediable aloneness just didnt go away...at the waterpark, the boardwalk, the amusement park, at breakfast, lunch, dinner, the beach the pool, there was the huge hole that just wouldnt go away...I think I hid it pretty well, the kids didnt know how sad I was and thats not to say I didnt have fun, but well that huge hole was there and it just wouldnt go away...

I suppose that it didnt help that there were so many famlies there and by families I mean "complete" families, mom, dad, kids...etc... and its really amazing at how many people just ask you ( not out of meanness or anything, maybe becasue I still wear my rings) where daddy? or say... what?? your husband should be helping with you with them. or, are they all yours, you need some help, tell there dad to get over here and help you! mostly I would just nod and smile, but it just made the hole bigger...we were in one store on the boardwalk, it was getting late, and they were over tired, looking for boogie boards, one would go one way and the other the other way, and one of the owners said to them "you better listen to your mommy...you dont want her to have to tell your daddy..." Zack just looked at him and was like "hes dead, but she cn tell him if she wants..." sigh

its been almost 4 months...im pretty sure i will be alone forever because i will never be able to give my hole self to someone else...and so the aloneness just gets bigger...i miss him so much, i can not describe to you the ache in my heart, the fustration in my being, that it is true, i am alone, I am an only parent which really seems so much different then a single parent...

If only I could turn back time...

sorry....just had to get it out...

a happy post to come soon...hope you all had a GREAT week!!

Love, Tara