Thursday, August 27, 2009

short and sweet

all I have to say is that after 3 days with ED my life is a mess...I am a mess(thoughts) and its just not freaking worth it!!! I am going back on my MP as of dinner tonight....I dont care if Ed tells me Im a big fat cow...I dont care how loud he screams to do bad things to my body!!! IM NOT LISTNING!!! I swears...thank god I see S tomorrow! She knock some sense into me...ugh..I forgot how miserable Ed makes me...glad I remembered before it was to late...door locked, window SUPER GLUED shut, I am turning off my phone and there is no way he can reach me now...and even if he does...I ll just tell him my peeps are comeing to kick his ass ( you guys) youll do that for me right?...youll risk a black eye or 2 to kick his ass right?? yeah I knew you would!!!

out my friends..I got dinner to prepare!!

love you all and hope you are all well and fighting!!

Love, T

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Not now...please not ever...

yesterday started off inocently....i woke up....had my coffee...took my meds...blogged...and somewhere between the bathroom and the kitchen ED showed up. "Dont eat til yor so hungry youll puke" he said..."what?' i couldnt have heard that right, so I went on my merry way poured another cup of coffee and went and sat on the couch to watch sponge bob with the baby...its a secrect so dont tell any one BUT I LOVE SPONGE BOB, I think its hilarious, but anyway...so now its 10...been up since 7, figureed it was time to make breafast...so i went back to the kitchen and again I heard teh fucking voice...louder this time "I SAID NO FOOD!!!" what? i thought again where is this comeing from , i turned around to see if so other force like maybe an alien invasion had come down to earth and was saying these things to me...nope no aliens....what was I going to do...by now there was a full fledged war going on in my head...breakfast...no...but...no...but...I said NO!!! now its 10:30, practiclly lunch time...okay not really but was like just wait...see by now I knew it was ED and it was starting to piss me off, I mean who is he to tell me what to do? well I knew full well who he was ...he was my long time friend, comfort, great love of my life...now turned nemisis. so i made the eggs (2) counted the calories, counted how many caloried were in my milk from my coffee and thought phew...im okay Im under...thats when it happened...the magic number was given to me...from where it came from i dont know but it was there blasting into my brain, screaming at me...feeling weak and very pansied ass i couldnt take the screaming in my head so i listened...and I counted....what i could have for lunch, when I could have it...dinner...what it was to be and when....(eggs...my old safe food was the order of the day) (2) for lunch around 3 after I ofcourse had seen K and told her I would follow my food plan...teh plan to keep me strong and healthy and thinking clearly, i told her about the voice fighting that was goign on in my head...she takled to me...she even talked to Ed...and I left cofindant I would eat a propper lunch and that would lead to a proper dinner but I didnt...i ate the stupid eggs again...went to teh grocery store, bought soem diapers and gas and some crap for the kids to eat...got home...its now 6:30 and of course Iam hungry cause all I had eaten was four eggs and 2 cups of coffee..and you know what i started to feel powerful, strong like...like wow I could still do this...so you guessed it i had (2) more eggs for dinner and added a baked potatoe...I was under the magic number Ed had told me earlier in the day and I felt GOOD!!! My friend was back!!!

I was planning on chilling with him just for a day...but we all know ED doesnt work that way...he moves in quickly and quitely...or sometime not so quietly as evidence from the early morning screaming session we had had earlier in the day...so here I am up drinking my coffee and thinking okay just one more day...Ed likes to hand around even when he is an unwanted guest...hes rude like that, he has no manners and is bossy...I mean really he not someone I would choose to be friends with, so why am i letting him hang out with me...whats goign on that I feel out of control, so I am letting this dude give me some...

the kids are starting school soon...while they are excited I am scared always am...I freak out dont know why but I did it last year and ended up in the hospital but I can NOT and will NOT allow this to happen, I am stronger now...i know more...I am wiser (wise mind)...

well it doesnt change or help things that I feel fat ( like as in king size killer whale fat)...and he promised to help me with that...and I know he can, I mean we have done it before many a times...but IT CANT HAPPEN!!! I need to kick his ass to the curb...the only problem is I dont want to...i want to feel like I felt yesterday...I want to feel in control...i cant go down this road..I know where it leads...and its NO WHERE GOOD!!! NOT NOW.... NOT EVER... I wnat to tell you I will follow Ks nutrition plan...but I DONT KNOW, I mean...fear is gripping me ( like as in that old fear if you let go "Ill leave you forever fear" and i know you are all probally thinking let it go...in fact you are probally SCREAMING THE COMPUTER...SAYING WTF IS SHE THINKING? the thing is folks i am not thinking...I am being lead....I need some help today...I need some good old fashioned adice on ass kicking ED, it took allot of arguing with ED this morning to even write this ....to ask for help..but I am doing it...I cant promise I will follow my Mp but I also know that magic number is only magic if I want to be in the hospital or dead...and that is not what I want...so some good old ass kicking is in order...got it in you folks..feel like kicking some ass today...I dont ...so could you just kick it for me...I mean please my peeps...Im sending out an SOS before I lose all control ( which is far from happening but we all know its just a matter of time)

hit me with it folks...i need it...like for reals ...i think if I dont stop it today it might be to late...EDs an alluring little devil...I have been avoiding posting this cause well I felt liek I needed to be strong but the thoughts have been there for awhile and now teh actions are following and this can not happen...not now NOT EVER!!!!


love you all

Tara

Friday, August 21, 2009

Im quiting

recovery is to hard..I dont wnat to do it anymore..I have been in recovery for three months and it sucks...i am to fat, i feel gross, i cant stand my body..i want to be thin again...I may quit therapy too...and seeing K and eveythingelse that goes along with Recovery from an ED!!!!






Okay okay ...im not quiting Recovery but i am quiting something....





SMOKING!!!!


GOT YA!!! :)

did I scare ANY of you?? Did anyone start to freakout with all the thoughts this chic will never get well?? BET YOU DID!!!

well I am quiting smoking TODAY!!! NOt cause i want to or cause I am afraid of dying of lung cancer or anything but because it is SO dam EXPENSIVE!!! and we are super poor...and M doesnt get paid til thursday read...6 days away...so i figure NOW would be a good time to quit...so be prepared...Im gonna be a bitch...Im gonna be a tell you like it is...sit on my hands and slap my face kinda of girl at least for a little while...

so now I am working on two bloody things..recovery from an Ed and a smoking addiction...blahhhhh

did I at least get your shorts in a bunch??

that was my point...I wanted to shock you!!!

okay peeps here is to day one...wish me luck and hope I dont piss anyone off to much or maybe i should say...hope they dont piss me off to much...okay world get out of my way...Im on my way to a smoke free life...damit all...

one more vice down the shitter....

it will be good for...at least that s what I am telling myself....


encourage me...love me...tell me how strong and great i am ...just because...I wnat you too!!!

love you all

Tara

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

So Ill say it...

FUCK it I am crying...



I want another baby...like for reals...and I cant have one...I mean I can but M cant he had his stuff snipped...and I am longing...longing for another wee one to hold and nurture and to mold into a vital menbe of society...it seems like every one in RT and in BT (blogtime) is either having a baby ( meaning being pregnant) has had a baby...as in just gave birth or is contemplating having a baby...i can do NONE of those ansd it make SO SAD!!!

Isaiah is 2.4 years old...he is my baby...and you know what he is not getting younger, in fact quite the opposite ...he is getting ...shock to say...older...and really I freaking HATE IT !!!! every gosh darn minute of it...I dont thinkI would feel so bad if I thought that maybe some day it could be a possiabilty but its not, and to think that at 29 I have had my last childbirth really sucks...and needless to say i have never really been well durning my pregnancys (except where I ate cool ranch doritos while pregnant with ALyssa)..they were always soem sort of a stuggle whether it was to gain enough or not to run to much or not to freak out over every gained pound.. i dont knwo I guess I just want a chance to do it right..you know??

and I feel like right NOW I could and as time progresses I would get better at doing it right!!!

BUT I know it can NEVER happen and really that just plain old SUCKS!!


a lovely whine by Z....hug me ..hold me...tell me I can I have your kid...just do something cause this feeling blows...I WANT ANOTHER BABY!!!

and until I get one....Isaiah is NOT allowed to grow...do you hear me GOD....Baby man can not age....like ever..

okay Love you all..will pay for your babies and have a nice night...I may have to snuggle with the babes cause I am SAD!!!

Love Tara

Saturday, August 15, 2009

so I realized...part 2

I broke up with Ed along time ago and I am not going back not even for a day...we dont mesh anymore..one day with him leads to a life of hell!!! ummmmm so not worth it...yeah really SO NOT WORTH IT...

So yesterday after i met with S "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS" is what I came away with and she said I talk a good game but ummm flounder on the actions part...so I went homme and had lunch...berries and yogurt..yummo!! snack around 4 and dinner at chuck e cheess casue my kids hada birthday party there so yes dinner was pizza!!!

So I told ED to fuck off I didnt need him any more...and although I dont entirely believe it...I am going with my rational and wise mind and its telling me I knwo the truth and I am sticking to it...

O I had a laspe in thinking...it happens to the best of us...but I have regained my wise mind and am ummm ate even though it was fucking hard its not as hard as living with ED...this I kow for sure so instead of being a willfull ED chic...I am being the wise mother that my kids so need and deserve...today.breakfast any minute...lunch with kiddies..beach...and cleaning and umm it looks like a BBQ is in order as its suppossed to be HOT!!!

tommorrow teh last of Z mans birthday partys and hoffmans and it looks like it will be HOT for that too...busy weekend NO time for ED...so ED buzz off I have a life!!!

and Im not taking any of your crap!!!

oh yeah cheer me on a and join the "NO ED BAND WAGON" Im on board...whos with me??

Love you all my peeps

Tara

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So i realized...

Its been three days since I blogged..i have been so busy in everyone elses lives..blogs..i have forgotten about me, whichin the grand scheme of things seems to be what I do...I mean really who a I..to need space... attention..love..I am no one...just some one who is living in this so called world...not much happening in my life...we are reading ALLOT..they(thekids) are really into it...alyssa is doing so well and Z man is not far behind her..we went to walmart today and bought three new books...loook here they are right now asking me to read..I should be EXCITED and reallyI am...i just want a moment a moment to be mine...oh well so my life is consumed by others who are not me..is that so bad? no not really...I mean S says it is...she says i need to cARVE OUT AN HOUR A DAY TO SPEND ON ME...and blogging doesnt count...she said I need a life...a life outside of my kids and definately outside my Ed....but i find that really hard...I mean Iam either my kids mother or the chic with the ED...take your pick...lately I have been my kids mother..BUT I havebee really wanting to be teh chic with the ED. It gave me an identity...I mean after all its been 14 plus years..and I have only been a mom for 6 plus so who wins out...apparently my kids cause I am sticking to the mom thing as much as it SUCKS being fat..>i am a better mother fat...everyone agrees and I am sure you all do to...but you have to kno where this is going ...i have to test it out..to see if me and Ed can hang and be a good mom...today was /is the test...I restricted...and geez it felt GOOD...but and although I was still a good mom today...(cause I felt a live and light and free) I know it wont last...it will end in tragedy...it always does..me and ED we no longer get along..I fall fast and quick...and really who needs that...certainly not my kids..certainly not...me???

I mean I feel I DESERVE TO FALL...after all I SUCK...I am fat and lazy and ugly and above all USELESS...but as S would say iam verbally abusive to myself ..so I cant listen to my emotional mind..cause that s like talking out my ass...I need to listen to my WISE mind and say FUCK IT ALL TO HELL...recovery no matter how fat it makes me is worth it..I mean the pros far out wiegh the cons....i mean really I would be foolish not to see it....so folks one day with ED makes me happy...life with ED makes me ummmm...sad...miserable..and USELESS...well that sounds familiar doesnt it...okay okay,..me and ED are breaking up tomorrow...just give a day to feel you know free and light and productive and well usefull...I know its a joke you dont have to convince me... just let me live in my small little world for one day..just one day PLEASE...


I wish I wasnt so screwed up but well you signed up for my craziness when you decieded to read..tough luck to you all who think i m stupid...or useless or whatever...it s me..Im here an dI am ready for a fight...against ED...not you..but really canI just do it tomorrow...Im too tired today..sigh....

alright I will sign of before I press DELETE!!!!

Love ME

Monday, August 10, 2009

Frozen Waffels

silly Title but thats what my kids are eating right now...I know gross...they are wierd..it wasnt thier breakfast..they had breakfast...bagles and cream cheese...but now they are eating FROZEN WAFFELS....

I am sick...like I feel like I am going to puke...to much coffee...sadness...anger..depression...All those feeling that SUCK!!!

SO UMMMM I asked Mike to leave cause he had another freak out Saturday night...He wont leave...grrrrr...i just wont talk to him....hes crying saying hes sorry all the same crap I have heard a 1001 times....I am NUMB..well maybe not cause I feel sick so i must be feeling something...but really I DONT want to do this anymore...I wnat to be FREE!!!!!!!

Free of this bullshit

FREE of ED

Free of living in this NIGHTMARE...

he doesnt love me...he says he does but who would treat someone they love like this...no one I know...except well...HIM...BASTARD...

He says he wont drink...bullshit...If he leaves and goes to his parents he wont drink cause they wont let him... SO WHY WONT HE LEAVE??

WHY wont this nightmare END...???

seriously what did I do in this life to deserve this crap...tell me?? will you please...cause I am about to quit...oh wait I cant cause I have kids and they need me cause I guess they need someone to get them frozen waffels...

CRAP....I NEED SOME GUIDANCE...Like for REALS...

should I just say okay and let him try again?? or should I just say enough is enough?? I m leaning to the latter but ...there is always a but...I have nothing ...no money...no house... no insurance...I am a stay at home mom for goodness sake...maybe I should just suck it up...

or maybe I should just cry or scream or maybe...

I dont know maybe I should eat a frozen waffel??

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Love, Tara

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Support needed...floundering


yesterday was a bad day very restrictive...Ill spare you the details......just know some encouraging words would be appreciated...thats it..jsut need some loving today...

oh and this is me...fat and all..it may not stay up long..but I fired i should put a face to teh name..

Love, Tara

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

14 years

For 14 years i have had an Ed...it started my freahman year in high school so I guess it was really 15 years ago but I say 14 cause after a 6 month bout of anorexia...i stopped cold turkey...gained a bunch of wieght and felt so sick about O could stand it...My mother got remarried and I saw myself in teh pictures and about died.

It was then that my Ed truley began...I started off slow that no one notice, slowly cutting back here and there, and teh wieght began to fall off...I started to exercise, i joined a crew team(rowing) and my coach always emphasized the need to have a lighter boat so that we would move faster, my eating improved so that I would have teh energy to do the workouts, but after an hour of running for conditioning are stamia we would do an hour of heavy rowing sprints, long distancing, and erg work I would be exhausted but that didnt stop me, i would go for another hour long run after practice because I wanted to be the BEST and I was good, I was one of the best ...not to brag :) but really I was good even though I am short 5'4, but thus began my complusion with exercise, I wasnt really restricting too much but i was eating far less then would be required to maintain my wieght, so of course I lost again...and it felt good, to be strong and in control and productive...I excelled in my sport and although it was a spring sport I that lasted for four months I took up track durning the off season, would do our 90 minute practices and then return home to run again...i was on top of the world living on a exercise high...all the time...It was at that point I began to restrict my food again...I began very sick and my mom at 16 formed an intervention...my pastor a nurse and her sat me down and told me I would have to eat or I would die, this all came to furition after my mother causeght me changing my clothes and freaked out...your going to die she screamed and thus the intervention began...my first step to recovery was to eat granola...in front of them...I promised them it would stop and my mom and the rest of the intervention team believed me...It was then I begam out of control with the binging again...as we all know if you dont have formal tx and dont know how to eat, you begum disorded the other way...i didnt know how to be "normal"...crew season began and I realized I could lose wieght and still "binge" and be highly productive on my team...I became captin of my team and reached my target wieght even though I was still actively involved in my ED...sigh...thus continued my ED through complusive exercise...

I graduated highschool still very much involved in my disorder...then I got involved with smoking pot and drinking ...I took a year off from the craziness that surrounded me...I know I did it through numbing myself out in other ways (drugs and alcohol...i once again gained allot of wieght in that year as I had stopped exercising...I met my husband (boyfriend at time ) and we went to a bar ( hes nine yrs older then I ) one of his friends made the comment how beautiful i was and that I would be perfect if I was nt so "thick"...i was crushed and immediately went back to exercising...slow at first but quickly progressing to hours of running per day...i also started taking diet pills...i couldnt walk a flight of stairs without becomeing so dizzy and light headed I would pass out...it would happen allot..I though t i had a brain tumur or something...so I went to the doctor...immediatly she diagnosed with anorexia...and of course I fought her every step of the way...she looked at me and said " dont sas me, Im not your mom, Im your doctor you need help, but we cant help you til you want to help yourself"...and I decieded NOT to go back, after all I was still alive and of course miserable, but I didnt care I was thin...people started to ereally make comments as I became obviouly UNDER wight...I was asked if I had cancer ALLOT...it made me happy, sicking I know but I was glad people thought I was so sick, cause at least it meant that i was thin...sigh again...I started working at a nursing home where we forced to eat wwith our residents...I couldnt handle the food the anxiety became more then I could handle...I had heard about throwing up and I tried it and it worked...thus began teh purging...

I remember etaing dinner and then running to the bathroom, no one noticed at first and I thought I had it all figured out...starve durning the day ( worked 3-11) and purge my dinner...moer wieght dropped and I was confronted by my supervisor.."you have a problem she said.."you have an eating disorder and we are all very worried"...I was scared and denied it, after that I was on watch...all the time...so I had to be more careful and I was I would play would my food, and talk to the residents...tehn hide my food and throw it away...they ( my coworkers) all thought teh talked had worked...I was going to recover...blahhhh...I would never let that happen...I would never be fat again...i would nt let that happen...NOT ever...and I kept up the game until one day about nine months later I passed out at work, i was numb, i began to come to, but couldnt walk or talk or move...my pulse was so high they could count it, tehy thought I was having a heart attack...tehy called 911 and I remember being carried into a room, and the man who carried me, saying " oh my god she is a bag of bones...( I had been able to hide it through wearing oversized scrubs) I was at the hospital and my ability to move and talk returned...my mom and mike were there...and I remember the doctor saying she is sick she has an eating disorder she needs intensive tx...it was then I was sent to my first bout of tx (PHP)...I was 21 yrs old...and felt like I was 12, all decisions were taken away from me,i was forced to move back in with my mother for three months where I was constantly watched " I recovered" i gained some wieght and was given permission to move back in with Mike...I was 22 and started to lose wieght again ( I still was working at the same job)...I began to wake up at 7 every morning, go to the gym run 9miles...go home, go back to bed...go to work and go to bed and thus this cycle continued till I passed out one day at the gym...very scary...I was sick and didnt know what to do...2 days later I took a pregnacy test cause really be "that" sick again...It turned out..I was pregnat...shock of all shock as I hadnt had my period in forever...a miracle...I rolled around on the floor for ahile crying in hsyterics...because I was going to get fat again... I went to the doctor and was told I needed to gain 40 pounds or we would both die...I got a grip...pulled myself together..and dropped my Ed for the sake of my precious baby girl...i knew she would be a girl from day one...and I was free...I ate what i wanted..lots of cool ranch doritos :)...I thought my life would be free of the prison I had lived in for so long...but alas I gave birth and looked at myself in the mirror and collasped...with shame..I stoped eating in the hospital...and thus began my eating disorder again...i started running and complusivly watching what I ate and within 6 months was very sick again..when ALyssa was 7 months ols I became pregant with Zack...stopped my behaviors for teh most part and gained teh expected 25 pounds...as you can guess...he was born and Ed ran ramped AGAIN...I was able to maintain a fairly low wieght but not to low where I needed tx...till I got preganat agian...I couldnt do it again..i could go through the process again it was killing me I restricted and purged and ran my whole pregnacy...I didnt gain the wieght I needed..tehy put me in PHP again for 13 weeks...well actually I skipped a part before I got pregant I was in PHP for 12 weeks and got pregant my last week there...I had reached my gaol wieght and immediatly got my period back and got pregant...not the best timing...Isaiah was born...and I relasped even harder...11 weeks after he was born I was placed in refrew for 4 weeks..i didnt gain any wieght but learned how to eat agian...or so I thought....I relasped 2 months later...and went back to php...and that cycle repeated for a year..IOP PHP every other month til april of last year when I became so sick I almost died...I was placed in the hospital for 10 days with a feeding tube and a constant companion on bed rest i wasnt allowed to leave the hospital til I found a tx center will to take me...I was released and went to remuda ranch for 45 days..that was one year ago...I left at my goal wieght and very uncomfortable in my new body...I relasped 2 months later and have been in and out of IP short stays and php s ever since...this is my first REAL attempt at recovery...and I have to make it work this time...I will make it work...I am in recovery for the long hall...and I will trust the process soemthing I have NEVER done before!

SO folks thats my Ed story...on to a new chapter of my life...The RECOVERY chapter!!!

Love, Tara

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

sooo...

I am blocked...

I have been a bad blogger...but I cant think of what to write about...I mean I have lots of ideas but i just cant write them right now...know I am reading though and will be back as soon as my drive for writting has returned I am doing okay...fat but okay :(

oh and I really hate recovery right now but I hate ED too...oh the pains of it all...okay much love to you all...maybe ask me a question and it will get me thinking...

Love, Z

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Saturday, August 1, 2009

zack through the years

Zacks second christmas