Thursday, October 30, 2008

I want to post about...

how I wiegh 5003 pounds and I am a fat cow and that i would rather be dead then be this fat, but no one really cares that I Am a cow or that I exist really so I am just going to say that tomorrow is Halloween and I got the kiddos really cute costumes and trick or treating should be fun if its not to cold.

I missed a K and S apt this week due to sick kids, it seem s like there is always someone sick in my house and really its getting quite annoying.

All I want to do is sleep and starve but i cant well I shouldnt although I have been sleeping a little too much lately.

I just had breakfast and i feel like breaking my knee caps...yeah fun stuff.

I need to see S tomorrow despertly...I need to tell her how dissconnected I feel from everything how I want a connection so badly and I dont know how to achieve it. I also see K tomorrow which should be fun since I havent really done much of what she asked of me except for I had breakfast...ugh :(

thats it folks

I havent much to say

except I am a cow!!!!!!!!!!


Saturday, October 25, 2008

Its getting hard

I feel the pull of the AN voice ..swallowing is hard , nothing seems apitizing...and everything hurts. I ate my dinner last night and didnt purge which is good in fact I havent purged for like 10 days or something like that...but I guess its cause Im not really eating all that much. food has become the enemy again, like this thing to fear that will torture me in my head...yes I still feel like I 5003 pounds but thats not it...thats not what AN is about right I am trying to grasp some control over something the question is what? I am having a hard time getiing up and getting dressed...I think I am falling into a deep depression even with the meds...sigh:(
all I want to do is sleep and I am desperate need of some support, I feel all alone. < is sleeping and its like 12:30 here...the kids are running around like little monsters...they are whinning and fighting over everything...its bordering looniness...even the baby is gettin ginto the act, its pretty fustrating, I have yet to take a shower or do much of anything that I need to do, like some major heavy duty cleaning, my house should be condemmed...

I slept allot I should be so tired but allas I guess that s what being depressed does to sucks the life out of you...

I saw S and K yesterday whew rough stuff...S was really supportive in saying she knew how hard this was for me but that I have to admitt that I am unable to control my AN like I used, that I get sick really fast that it takes over my body and mind and I get weaker and weaker and I will be in hospital by chistmas...and that i just wont have....I wont have that you hear you devilish ED I wont fall victim again!!!!

In other sad news one of my best friends friends died monday morning, he was only 23 yrs old..he had a heart one understands and its just so sad and it bring the reality of death so much closer to the forefront...he was a healthy active 23 yr old youth pastor and he dies in five min from a heart attack...its so very sad and scary very scary.

Its especially scary because I have been told on several occations that my heart isnt in the best shape after all the years of ED it could happen to me , really folks it could happen to me and that scares the crap out of me...what would happen to my kids..god what would happen to my kids...

I am full of despair and I unsure of how to pull myself out of it, its scary when you get to the point where the anxiaty is so high you alomst feel paralyzed...I feel alone and scared and frozen and geez I just dont know what to do

Love, Z

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

SO ... who is talking here?

Thats what I got asked today...well duh...Im leats my mouth is moving and words are coming out. SO she says it again "WHO IS TALKING HERE?"

"YOU OR ED"???

"OH" I say

"Oh" says S

and I sit and think about it and Im not really sure I mean we ( Ed and I) are so intertwined its hard to say where I start and ED ends or visa vera...which is my Ed voice and which is the sane Tara, the one that knows not eating all day is wrong and goes against nature or the one that wants her treadmill back cause she swears she wont abuse it this time...Who the Hell is talking here??

So I sat and we talked about it and you know what ED does most of my talking for me, shit he does most of my thinking and things get so twisted in my mind that forget what is real...what it is that I want out of life and i can asure its more then Ed has to offer...SO how to decifefer??Hmmmmmmm that is a toughie cause I have to be incrediably mindful of when I am talking Ed bull shit and when I am talking you know life stuff...I guess I am going to require some help in that department

So I am calling in the troops ...everyone you guys included :) So If i start talking about how I wiegh 5003 pounds and I am never eating again know that is not me cause I know that I have to eat to live and for sure I want to live I mean I have three incrediabley awesome kiddos who are the cutest things you ever did see, not that I am bragging but my gosh they are adorable!!!

Anyway about those cute kiddos..I am getting ready to pick th eoldest one off the school bus but first a little about halloween.

I love hallowween cause my kiddies are so cute...A is going to be the infamous Hannah Montana, Z is going to be a blue Power Ranger and I is going to be a horsey, last night we tried the babys costume on him and he wouldnt let us take it off for like an was so funny and then well Ill just tell this little tid bit so you can see how crack up it is in my house, there is this kiddie show on the Nick channel called Icarlie...its funny for a kid show anyway they do this thing where they all yell and lift up there shirts and rub there bellies and last night standing in my kitchen all three of my kids were doing just that yelling whowhowho... and rubbing thier naked tummies only the little one was wearing a onsie and could lift his shirt up he kept pulling at it and pulling at was hysterical...we finally unhooked it for him and he lifted up his shirt laughing and rubbing his belly ( hes only 17 months) yelling wheeeeeeee... I swear I almost died of laughter..I have got to figure out how to post pics cause geez I am being selfish my keeping there good looks all to myself ;)

Love, Z

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The suckage which is ME

let me tell you I am falling fast ( I just typed fat and realized that would have been a nice little play on words)...okay okay so I know An is not the way to go but I am feeling stuck in that, "Life sucks kinda way and I dont know how to get out" I keep falling into the hole and let me tell you Im not finding it so easy to claw my way out. I know I cant live off of egg whites and cottage cheese yet i am seeming really fearful of all foods they seem to be making me the going right through me kinda way...thats real suckage not sure if you are going to make it to the bathroom in time so Im not eating its safer that way.

WHy do I want to do this to my family?? Well I dont I want to do this to me I want to cause my self pain an anguish...that i cant seem to answer right now cause I dont know the answer, I am so full of loathing and hate for myself I just want to dissapear, and wasting away is the only way I know how to end the pain...I tryed to eat dinner with M last night I really did try and I ate 4 chicken wings ( all day) and couldnt do any more so that was my intake yesterday...complete I had to run home any go to the stuff.

I am struggeling and I told S I had til January to get my shit together ( as Iam out of IP days) she says I have til the end of the month...blahhhh, I know I will be in the hospital by dec. and I am just in the WORLD of DENIAL...which is a nice place to visit but I dont I say DONT wanna live there..but so tell me why I do this..M was pissed with the eggwhite and energy shot I had for lunch but I couldnt help it I just couldnt...I feel so fat and ugly and fat and stupid and isnt that what EDs are all about Fat, STupid, Ugly girls who like to starve themselves out of there misery..yeah I know I sound like a dumb shit but that would play into the stupid part of it all...and that which is complete denial is total SUCKage my friends.

So How do I dig myself out of the crator I dug for myself ...not sure and that too is suckage.

So what I needto do righth now is pull my head out of my ass, stop the denial bullSHIT, be a mom, lose the ED, Stay fat stupid and ugly and oh yeah stay alive.

and that the living part is the biggest SUCKAGE of them all

Saturday, October 11, 2008


oh my so much drama so so much drama for this poor mama or my poor A should I say...lets see...wenesday we went to the pumpkin patch, we had a great time they got to go down a under ground slide, play with the animals and of course pick out a 26 pound pumpkin, we had a great day til we left. A didnt want to leave she started to throw a fit, i thought she was in the van but alas not all of her was...her wrist was not in the van so when I, yes I slammed the door her poor little wrist was there and whammo caught in the door. Scheeches ensued for the 40 min drive home as I rushed her to the ER for x rays...nothing broken just contusions oh and a possiable growth plate they splint it up, wrap it up and she looked like a pathetic little half zombie wrapped in cloth, oh my poor A, she was up all night wenesday crying in stuff let me tell you.

SO that was #1... here goes number 2 for the poor the A, No school yesterday and I had a T apt so lets just say the fun has to start there. I dropped the kiddies off at my sisters where she has a nice yard and it is OCTOBER...who'd a thunk there would be an attack of gianormous BEES...swarms... she must have rolled around in them cause the was attacked 8 stings in all, they were stuck in her clothes that we ripped off her poor swollen body and off course as she sat there naked screaming that they were eating her we tried to calm her down, to no avail she freaked. She cryed and screamed " why god ?? why did you make bees?? " so sad so very sad. SO shes naked and I call the Doctor AGAIN...what should I do I ask..Benadreyl and tylonal and hydrocortizone. SO I throw a match box 20 t shirt on her ( my sisters favo band ) with her cute little black boots ( she looked like a hooker ) A swollen little hooker poor thing...and we drive to the the pharmacy get all her meds and drive the poor little bee layden thing home...poor A..she is surviving I on the other hand am a nervous wreck I mean what else could happen what could be the #3...hmmmm let me see...

Oh yeah so I saw S yesterday and that was fun , i knew I should have cancelled I just knew it.... " that s hospital behavior" she says... what? I say " laying on the couch all day and NOT eating is what brings you to the hospital" well I have no more IP days left, I say So I am safe til january...and you know what she says " youll be dead by then" SO there it is folks the #3...death.

oh and my dishwasher just broke

could it get any better...Im a thinking not!!!!

Love, Zena

Monday, October 6, 2008

Microsoft At Home

Microsoft At Home

REMUDA they sent me a letter...

and it couldnt have been better timing...

Im relasping or lasping whatever???

and they sent me a letter they sent one to M too..he needs it too.

"Its not the acheing in your lungs or the burning in your lungs its the voice inside you that yells cant... but you dont listen you just push harder and you discover the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are"

Thats what I wrote to myself three months came as I was just about to BP ...REMUDA did save my life and for that I am grateful.

I am getting out of my box.

I want to contain myself but I will not I need to go cook some dinner...

Thankyou REMUDA...Thankyou

Love Zena

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sleeping onthe bathroom floor

seems comfy right...WRONG

A was sick last night throwing up god knows what and of course as she is only five she cant puke alone, I on teh other hand witch much prefere to puke alone but that is a different story...that is my story.

poor little thing but as we overslept as anyone who doest have an alarm clock in thier bathroom knows is bound to did the Z man but we good have skipped that as it was only pre school...anyway we were late and I didnt shower ( still havent and might not) anyway we only missed chapel so all was good saved a buck on offering and she didnt miss any important literary lessons that might occur in kindergaren..oh geez ...kindergarden is heavy duty stuff these days . she was learning about trapazoids and things of the like, hell she had to teach me what it was cause I sure didnt know.

Isaiah is coloring on my wall right now with Red crayon.

I dont even care of course M might care so I will somehow have to try to figure out how to either hide it or remove it and I dont feel like removing it....I will be 29 soon I want to be thin by then.

So thats where I am at.

i married Ed again last night...we decieded on no food except for egg white s and CHEESE...gotta have the cheese or it taste s so shitty.

Recovery is done da da DONE.

thanks dad for bring ing AN back dont want to deal with so either do I.

shit ...the kids forgot to brush there teeth ...oh well at least I brushed mine...although they are falling out and breaking ..once again thanks Ed.

I want another baby

but the H man has cut his nuts so I cant unless I steal someone and I know the perfect persons to steal..can you guess I am feeeling slightly MANIC...that is what happens when I dont EAT...I tried eating but it s so over rated... besides I weigh like 5003 pounds and that does not require food....

ever seen the utube SHOES.. well that s how I am saying food...real quick like its a game...yeah I feel nutty but ofcourse sleeping in a room where people either shit or puke may have something to do with it....myu kids sure do puke a llot... the baby puked in DD yesterday while I was getting my was so ooooooo GROSS...thankgod I didnt have to clean it up.

You know what I shouldnt have drank that energy shot its made me looopy.

my hands are cold and the baby s groweling at me...I need a hobby..oh yeah I forgot I have ED...all caus eI wiegh 5oo3 pounds

oh shoot me Id be better off....time to clean the house and definately the bathroom


Thursday, October 2, 2008

forty pounds

then I will be at my AN wieght..thats what I need to lose by ummmmmm the end of january..thats my new goal... no more recovery just wieght loss

Recovery is to hard and the refeeding sucked so now hmmmm I just want to lose wieght

No more dad crap

No more hard past sexual crap

No more abuse

just pure, refined wieght loss

ahhhh relief comes in knowing the plan

i cant wait to disappear

Love Zena

ps dont be sad for me this is what I want...its what I need...I need AN back

gosh I feel so relieved

Love, Zena

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Food sucks

i am so fat and will never eat again

thats it

Iam a cow

no comments please this is the honest truth and I am gross

No food EVER