Sunday, October 12, 2008

The suckage which is ME

let me tell you I am falling fast ( I just typed fat and realized that would have been a nice little play on words)...okay okay so I know An is not the way to go but I am feeling stuck in that, "Life sucks kinda way and I dont know how to get out" I keep falling into the hole and let me tell you Im not finding it so easy to claw my way out. I know I cant live off of egg whites and cottage cheese yet i am seeming really fearful of all foods they seem to be making me sick...in the going right through me kinda way...thats real suckage not sure if you are going to make it to the bathroom in time so Im not eating its safer that way.

WHy do I want to do this to my family?? Well I dont I want to do this to me I want to cause my self pain an anguish...that i cant seem to answer right now cause I dont know the answer, I am so full of loathing and hate for myself I just want to dissapear, and wasting away is the only way I know how to end the pain...I tryed to eat dinner with M last night I really did try and I ate 4 chicken wings ( all day) and couldnt do any more so that was my intake yesterday...complete suckage...plus I had to run home any go to the bathroom...fun stuff.

I am struggeling and I told S I had til January to get my shit together ( as Iam out of IP days) she says I have til the end of the month...blahhhh, I know I will be in the hospital by dec. and I am just in the WORLD of DENIAL...which is a nice place to visit but I dont I say DONT wanna live there..but so tell me why I do this..M was pissed with the eggwhite and energy shot I had for lunch but I couldnt help it I just couldnt...I feel so fat and ugly and fat and stupid and isnt that what EDs are all about Fat, STupid, Ugly girls who like to starve themselves out of there misery..yeah I know I sound like a dumb shit but that would play into the stupid part of it all...and that which is complete denial is total SUCKage my friends.

So How do I dig myself out of the crator I dug for myself ...not sure and that too is suckage.

So what I needto do righth now is pull my head out of my ass, stop the denial bullSHIT, be a mom, lose the ED, Stay fat stupid and ugly and oh yeah stay alive.

and that the living part is the biggest SUCKAGE of them all

6 comments:

belinda said...

Zena my love,
All of these judgements you make on yourself, these labels, they are way harsh and do nothing but make you confirm your feeling of despair :(
I know and understand because I fall victim to it too.

Anxiety is a funny state. And by that I mean that the only way out of anxiety is to be in the moment that terrifies you the most.

That may be sitting at the table for meals.
and/ OR
Confronting all this horrid stuff that is going on with the Dad.

You don't suck. You know it, I know you know it. ED fucking sucks though. It is a nasty nasty cycle that offers NO rewards, only pain. It's shit. And I wonder why we get lured back by the seductive ED voice in our heads. Sometimes I think it is the familiarity of crap. By this I mean that when things in our lives truly suck, they can be hideously painful and rather than go through a new & unchartered waters (pain) we revert back to a pain we know. One that we know is awful but it is familiar (not safe, but known). There is definatly fear of unknown pain and suffering.

When we look at the pain and suffering we NEED to go through to kick the ED, I wonder if it is really that awful. I mean.. the pain wont kill us (ED will).

You are safe to tread through your issues honey, you are. I promise you this. But ED... Nope! You can't play this out forever, your poor little body simply wont stand for it.

I challenge you to talk and to reach out whilst nourishing your sweet self. I love you Zena.

x

belinda said...

just a reminder...
i love you
x

Zena said...

suckage seems to be my flow word lately everything seems to suck yes they are poor judgements and S woulsnt stand for it but frankly my dear I am entrenched in thoughts and cant seem to claw my way out..YOU ARE SO RIGHT that the pain of the Ed is familiar..I know it and I know what to expect the new pain is unchartered terratory....scary stuff...I love you B and i love yur insight I am just scared it might be to late, maybe I am a hopeless case...maybe I am not but maybe I am am and I find some comfort in knowing that too...:(

M is planning dinner and we are fighting about it already and its only 11:15 am here ahhhhh EDS SO SUCK...major suckage

Love, Zena

kb said...

Zena,

I'm so sorry that you are this entrenched in the ED and that you cannot say your way past it - no light in the forest, so to speak.
I really want to tell you, however, that you are NOT hopeless, it is NEVER too late. I know that people (professionals and others) often write off someone as "chronic", but it doesn't have to be, you don't have to accept that label.
Z - I really hope that you CAN find the strength and support to delve into that 'uncharted territory'. I do understand that it is scary, but I think you are going to have to go there at some point.
Please take care of yourself,
Kristina

belinda said...

the is always hope in life honey
always

keep fighting
i need you with me

x

DaftDragon said...

sorry to hear of all of your struggles, the stuck feeling IS anguish. I am sending you love and good karma, I hope you start to feel better soon. agreement on the suckage of ed.