let me tell you I am falling fast ( I just typed fat and realized that would have been a nice little play on words)...okay okay so I know An is not the way to go but I am feeling stuck in that, "Life sucks kinda way and I dont know how to get out" I keep falling into the hole and let me tell you Im not finding it so easy to claw my way out. I know I cant live off of egg whites and cottage cheese yet i am seeming really fearful of all foods they seem to be making me sick...in the going right through me kinda way...thats real suckage not sure if you are going to make it to the bathroom in time so Im not eating its safer that way.
WHy do I want to do this to my family?? Well I dont I want to do this to me I want to cause my self pain an anguish...that i cant seem to answer right now cause I dont know the answer, I am so full of loathing and hate for myself I just want to dissapear, and wasting away is the only way I know how to end the pain...I tryed to eat dinner with M last night I really did try and I ate 4 chicken wings ( all day) and couldnt do any more so that was my intake yesterday...complete suckage...plus I had to run home any go to the bathroom...fun stuff.
I am struggeling and I told S I had til January to get my shit together ( as Iam out of IP days) she says I have til the end of the month...blahhhh, I know I will be in the hospital by dec. and I am just in the WORLD of DENIAL...which is a nice place to visit but I dont I say DONT wanna live there..but so tell me why I do this..M was pissed with the eggwhite and energy shot I had for lunch but I couldnt help it I just couldnt...I feel so fat and ugly and fat and stupid and isnt that what EDs are all about Fat, STupid, Ugly girls who like to starve themselves out of there misery..yeah I know I sound like a dumb shit but that would play into the stupid part of it all...and that which is complete denial is total SUCKage my friends.
So How do I dig myself out of the crator I dug for myself ...not sure and that too is suckage.
So what I needto do righth now is pull my head out of my ass, stop the denial bullSHIT, be a mom, lose the ED, Stay fat stupid and ugly and oh yeah stay alive.
and that the living part is the biggest SUCKAGE of them all