Tuesday, December 30, 2008

There is healing in hope

this is third time I have typed out this post and if it doest save then well I am done with it...

I saw S this morning and we talked about hope and how I need to find my inner hope and then I will find healing...that my hope is not all gone or I would not continue with tx...she procedded to say my depression is due to malnutrion and and once I get better nourished I will find my meds working a lot better. the question now being how to find my inner hope... so how does one find thier inner hope, I have begun to uunderstand that I may not be chonic that maybe there is a possiablity that I will over come this illness that it doesnt have to be my death sentence.

we talked and she is so good and kind and understanding and she understands how hopefull and hopeless I feel at the same time, like there is there is this big black hole swallowing me up and I have no idea to pop the hole.

I want to eat but feel liek I cant so to counter act the thoughts I ate my eggs anyway just moments ago...it 2 thirty in the afternoon and I was hungry so I ate and now I am scared...I am sipping on chicken broth cause my heat just went out and I am freezing...but anyway back to hope and healing.

It was one of teh main things we studied at Remuda... how to find hope in the midst of our struggles I am going to go back and read my Remuda workbook s and hopefully find some inspiration.

I went to see K last night and I asked her to wave her magic wand and make me all better and to my suprize she had a wand and she gave it to me to hold onto next week..its something tangiable that I can look at and say look that wand says I need to eat and I will do it...I need to go out and get some boost cause I need to supplement as I am not eating enough but that okay cause I CAN do this!!!

I love my TX team.

okay so B asked me what was really wrong behind the wieght cal food things and here it is for those who are interested...I think my H and I are headed for the big D word. He says I dont love him anymore and I am pretty sure from how he act toward me he doesnt love at all...we keep drifting further and further apart and its scary I wish we could be closer but its so hard with an Ed and an Alcoholic trying to make a marriage work. S says we have all the pieces but its like a puzzle and we need to put it all together...I want this marriage to work...I guess we need to work at it...TOGETHER!!!

then there is the fam stuff everybody is fighting and its scary I hate fighting really I do, and my mom found this old journal and she said it explains allot and I dont want to know what that means..its scary to find out the truth...I dont want to knwo the truth.

My 2 Sises are driving me nutzo and I need to figure out how to be the mediator between them my mom and my father...stressful shit..so thst s why I am focussing so much on food and wieght and such...Ill be back later...kids need me

Z

Monday, December 29, 2008

depression

I am so sad. and I dont know how much more I can take.I feel like everything is wrong like I cant do anything right and all i want to do is sleep...and. my son spilled syrup on my key board so its all sticky and not working right. I wish I could go back in time before I had kids...I would have killed myself then. Now I cant cause they need me to much. It sucks really it does...to be forced to be on this planet...any way I wouldnt want to be buried this fat...I m so gross...and A. broke my coffee mug, the new one I got for christmas...

The kids are off from school which is no good for me cause it ruins my structure...like I still havent showered yet...and its after one ...no food. no thing...I neee to take my meds, at least I can do that right.

I want to lose 20 pounds by the 15 th not possiable I know...but its still my goal, today is day 1 of my fast so far I had tea...i let you know if the day gets any better...dont see how it could though


sigh

Z

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Voice that screams

and the one that doesnt
that s what I am dealing with right now the voice that says I am a fat pig and dont deserve to live and teh small quiet mousy voice that wispers health..and when I say whisper I mean whispers..I can barely hear the voice its so quiet..and its the voice I want to listen to..not the one that says being thin is everything..tah taI deserve to die if I dont listen to it..Its a very scary world out there and I am not so sure I want to be a part of it...

I have thought what it might be like to have a candle lit for me cause it killed me...and you know what it feels soft...like a big fluffy pillow..I want that pillow..i want that soft glow of the candle light..and it kinda scares me...I think about death so often lately.

I dreamed I was in the hospital last night ..with DR.A and not being able to breath cause my heart would nt pump right and I wasnt scared, I wasnt scared at all...i kept waking up hopeing to get back to the dream...and I did..I kept dreaming it over and over again..until the weee hours of the morning...and it felt good...It felt safe..calm and quiet.

I need this all to stop...I need it all to go away...I need the pain to stop and I need to stop living this fake life..this joke of an existance...Iam so sick of living..Im just so sick of it all..

Z

Friday, December 26, 2008

tea and coffee

My In laws bought me this mug and they imprinted pictures of the fam on it and one of the pics was from last xmas when I was at a pretty low wieght and I am so triggered i am sipping tea out of my mug right now thinking what a fat pig I am and how could I have let myself get like this.

I blame REMUDA for bringing me to my "goal" wieght..whose goal certainly not mine...I feel so gross and now I have a way to make myself feel horriable about my self every morning at least until I get thin.

I know they thought it was a sweet gift and I am grateful they put so much time and effort into making it for me but its left me feeling I dont know sad...and ofcourse all i have eaten today is my 2 eggs and slice of bread..its now 5:30 pm. M is a at the store and I am sure I am going to have a frozen dinner when he gets home or he will flip...I just want to go to bed...

I am so sad

but tea makes you not hungry

thats a good thing

I need S, and she hasnt emailed me back yet...its been all day, I feel neglected, I know its silly but I cant help it...

and A is asking for food again...she is sick and still wants to eat...junk..she wont take anything healthy...god help me (us) through this, the last thing I want to is give my kid an ED...this is no way to live...really its no way to live but I guess its a way to die...

I wish I could cry

but I cant I am just numb and sad and then numb again...

how long can this go on?

14 yrs is long enough...okay folks I will eat dinner tonight I just talked myself into it...besides I will still be under 600 cal for the day, coffee included, love that coffee...

think I will check if S emailed me back yet...

Love, Z

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The act of self destruction

what does that exactly mean ...well I do things to actively self destruct I suppose..like sticking a tooth brush so far down my throught I could rupture my esophugus ( I dont know how to spell that) I told K about everything that had transpired since I had seen her last the 4 days of active restriction but without purge and the 2 days of B/P and feeling as if I might die...she shuddered and shrank away in her chair and I felt a little scared..."I wish you be as scared for you as I am for you"

But I cant I just dont think its that bad I mean I am eating some on the good days and I am well you know on the bad days and I just think If I could get the purging under control then I would be all set...I just wrote sex by accident lol... anyway I see S in a little while then I wont see her for a week which could be very bad...its scary when I dont see her 2 times a week. Like the week of the ice storm I only saw her once and my behavior was out of control...self destruction as her and K would say...

why do I do this to myself all in the pursuit of thinness..well I have been very this before...very low in wieght but I was still unhappy and determined to go lower of course I thought that would make me happy but really I was just a complete miserable mess but you know what I am allot fatter now and still a mess so what gives huh??

what would make me happy??

Well I think if my daughter would stop binge eating that might make me a little happier, cause geez she is eating non stop and its really starting to gross me out...M says I need to put a stop to it get her on a schedule but I dont know how I mean I cant even do it for myself how do I do it for a five yr old

well all I am starting to feel a little christmas like..I have a million things to wrap...Havent started anything yet...and I have some baking to do ...

I am freaking over all the holiday parties I have to attend in the next 2 days ..but I just wont eat..oh well

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!


Love, Z

Sunday, December 21, 2008

SNOW!!!!

It has been snowing for three days straight can you believe that there is so much snow its scary I have been shoveling and sliegh riding and finally getting a littl ebit of movement in...my mucles are sore and it feel dam good...I havent exercised since before thanksgiving and although its techiniclly not exercise, it still felt good...

I have been following Ks plan since wenesday and although it feels like shit...Im doing it...

Have a holly jolly christmas... yeah...its almost chritmas...I cant wait to see teh joy on thier little faces it will be so exciting...god I am so cold.

I was emailing with S on friday night and we were talking about forgiving the inner child in me...for not managing to keep my parents together and for not being able to keep my dad from well you kknow treating me liek he should have been treating my mom...its scary to go there but I have too and it sucks but I think it s part of my journey.

I am still obsessed with losing wieght but I am trying to be healthy too, what a hard way to go....god I am freezing.

okay well not much to say but its still snowing and I am freezing and yes I am trying.

Love, Z

Thursday, December 18, 2008

guys dont worry about my crazy emails...imjust trying to figure out my phone which is so cool by the way
i feel like crap
i feel like shit....imso tired
hi

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Nutrition

So I saw K today, and she upped my carbs yet again even though I am not doing what she said to begin with but we shall see...I did have teh kashie bar she pleaded with to eat and two eggs so that mean I need two more carbs and three more protiens til tomorrow when it will be 4 carbs and 5 protiens and so on and so ...I think I can do this folks I ate my Eggs and went to the grocery store ( had to leave to prevent a purge) well three kids in a grocery store is anything but fun ..although we did get the driving cart so Isaiah got to drive around the store and he liked that although I worry about the germs and well other eeewwwyyy stuff...

So I bought my yogurts and more Kashie bars and a frozen dinner which I am going to have tonight so that way I will get in the 2 carbs and the protien...I am scared though folks very scared.

K and I talked about how her plan will atill have me losing wieght and its not the safest but its better then not eating and or purging so I should feel safe with it I mean sfter all she know s her stuff, she s even recovered from AN herself so she is good to me and kInd and very understanding...she told me to pretend I was death and that I cant hear the AN voice screaming in my head...I laughed and said can I pretend I cant hear my kids too...yes she said if it will make you eat then fine turn in your deaf ears after you finish the Kashie bar.

God I want so much to be well and through with disorder I bloody have had it with all the appointments and hospitals and copayments, so why do I still hold on why cant I just pull my self up by my boot straps and do it...

TRIGGER




I lost more wieght

my clothes are falling off and I am not even under wieght its just I have lost it so fast...part of me really enjoys losing and the other part knows its just demented...I need to listen to the part that says I am demented

so thats it folks I have an Ed and I am demented want to play with me now??...

thats another thing I am suppossed to be doing taking care of my emotional self how do I do that....I read on Bries blog to try affirmations

so here I go:

1)_I dont completely suck as a mom, although I think I do Ibut I have been told otherwise cause I have great kids

2)_I am a kind sister /daughter/grandaughter/aunt

3)_I am a women of faith

4_I am not the ugliest girl on the planet...people say I have nice eyes and smile..at they did til my teeth started to break

5_ I am pretty efficient in running a household even with an ED

okay that s enough enough I dont want my head to swell...lol...


Geeze they are all about I am not that sucky

well I am here to tell you I feel pretty sucky right now but at least I am trying

Love, Z

Monday, December 15, 2008

You cant be crazy forever

there has got to be a reason why I am so stuck in the cycle of ED...what is my payoff why am I doing this to myself?? what do I need to prove?

I want to be the best the best at everything I do...but I dont want to be dead or maybe I do, I dont want to lose my children and I am sick of hurting my daughter, Ed is saying fast today but I am going to ignore the Ed voice at follow Ks plan...I went out to dinner last night and order off thre light menu ( pissed of my inlaws) but I ate half and some salad so I think I did okay...

you lost wight ...my MIL said..NO I said...yes ...well I am still fat so its okay I say...well Im not watching your kids if you go into the hospital again...and still I think its the only option to get me healthy I need a lobotomy, I cant fight the Ed voices they are so loud, I hate it...I have a headache.

I am nervous about my session with M tomorrow night I am afraid of what he will say...I am afraid he wants a divorce, he is sick of me and truth be told I am sick of me I am sick of being sick, when will it ever be enough??? NEVER!!!!

okay so I know that yet I keep trying to please the Ed...

okay I need to take my meds

which I have been taking on time every day


yeah for that!!!

Love, Z

Thursday, December 11, 2008

starting over

okay so I dont want to end up in the hospital I have decieded that!!!can i keep myself out of it well thats another question...I just ate 2 eggs and a piece of toast and I feel like a bloated pig but I am not and I need to remind myself of that, I have lost quite a bit of (needed) wieght in teh last 2 weeks..but now its going to far I am barely eating and everyone is mad at me, so I am starting over...

my new plan for today is

not purge my lunch !!!!


and have 2 more eggs with a piece of toast for dinner.

K my N gave me a new MP to follow today where I need to add one carb a day for the next week til i get to 8 carbs a day...so thats what I amm doing with the toast...I am upping it one from yesterday...of course I am only doing it cause I know I am still not eating enough and I will lose wieght...

what do I do folks how do i find the motivation to kick this Ed in the ASS!@!!!

any suggestions??

and how do I get over this body image issue...its killing me


Love, Z

Saturday, December 6, 2008

In Deep

okay I admitt it AN got me and I am scared

I cant eat even if I wanted too, I m to afraid and to fat, what triggered this recent laspe, well lets see S thinks it was when they gave me permission to exercise, it triggered me into severe restricting very quickly , they took away the privilge as quick as they could but admittly I am lost in the AN world. I am not underwieght so I dont see it as a problem except for the fact that I have a bad heart and I dont want to die but if I do I want to do it thin...arggggg...Iam so fucked up, S was pleased that al least I realized I was being irrational...I did as she said last night but 650 cal for a day is not much and my brain is screaming at me that it was a binge, I know in reality that it wasnt but I feel so gross...

Ed is telling me only 400 today and I am really looking at complete restriction, already I am not sleeoping good and I havent stopped moving all day I have been clean obessivily..oh boy I am in deep!

In other news there is something wrong with my middle child he is so angry and I dont know why, he had a play date yesterday and that went well except they had pizza and I just started at the food not one bite passed my lips..( good for me Ed says)..but anyway I dont know what is wrong with the Z man...last night he flipped out I mean rolling around screaming kicking thrashing, screaming I hate you, all cause he thought him and his dad might not put up the x-mas light cause M had to work late...they ened up putting up some of the lights and really I just think z man needs alot of one on one attention from the dad man.

I boy still isnt talking and he is now 19 months blahhhh its kinda fustrating but at least he staying a baby a little longer...cutesee

and A well shes A a good girl with a big mouth and that sall I have to say on that..BIG MOUTH that she she told my mom I was going back into the hospital cause M keeps saying it...its so fustrating..blahhh

thats it folks

love ya, Z

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Starving

thats right folks I am so freaking hungry and I cant bring myself to eat anything, the whole thing really suck s because if I dont get my act together I will be in the hospital by mid january, how do I know that well I have a bad heart and I see the Ed specialist Jan 15th and if my EKG comes back screwy back to the hospital I go...I cant find the will within myself to stop this from happening..what is wrong with me..??

Oh yeah I have an Ed..duh..

Saw my Phyc...today she is so nice and kind and understanding ( she used to work with Ed patients in a hospital) ( the one I always go to)..blahhh

So your not eating Ehhh?/

Nope

do we need to put you in the hospital??

Nope

are you sure

yep


well then what can we do to ensure that you eat??

full frontal lobotomy..lol..

we dont do that anymore and that would put you in the hospital anyway...

great

So what was the answer we came up with I know you are all dying to know...well I go back in two weeks and well see...to focus on 4 small meals a day...yeah righty I can barely eat my fucking 2 eggs a day...
plus Iam a fat pig..no hospital for me no surree

but shit i am starving myself Iam for sure a dumb ass

love, Z

Monday, December 1, 2008

Anxiety is a bitch

ugh i am so anxious I could scream, i am on my way to see K so she can reinforce the no exercise policy!!! BLAHHHHHHH.....I havent exercised since friday, of course I have barely eaten as well, oh well the anxiety is super way up there and I am feeling like crawling out of my big ol skin.

I know I am so anxious cause Im not eating yet the anxiety around teh food is to much hell its a vicious cycle and it sucks the big nub...really big time, I am trying to be positive but what is K going to do for me..Im not eating so what can she say...well please eat...yeah right...this all sucks and I am so fustrated with myself...I need to get back on Recovery Row and I am at a loss as to how to overcome the anxiety...

okay I will eat dinner

but thats it only cause M will be home...eek I cant handle this ED...

M got drunk all weekend and went off on how I suck as a parent and I just want to be the kiddos friend ( not true by the way) I dont care if they like me they just dont listen to me and things like sleeping in each others room doesnt seem like a big deal to me...

Now I admitt I still drink but I dont badger teh hell out of him when I do...I just want to be left alone , why cant he just accept me for me and support me with this Ed Recovery instead of telling me how selfish Iam for having it ( the ED) Friday he wanted a divorce...today he loves me, all that adds to my crazy anxiety..I dont know which end is up half the time..would you??

We have an apt. to see S on the 16th maybe that will help

ugh...I can hardly breath

I need my clonipin..probally should get it refilled

oh and I dont have a license cause I let it expire, got to take care of that today so all of it, the food, the man and teh license well I justcant take much more..someone help me

Zena

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

You Cant

So I saw S last night and taht sucked I sobbed my way through the whole session, on how much this Ed steal s from me, it takes everything I enjoy everything that I live for it takes my life and I just sobbed and sobbed and she was glad I was getting it out. I compared the Ed to a snake that slithers around me til its grip is so tight I cant break free...good comparison she said...what will help you break free...I dont know I sobbed, but please dont take this away from me its all i have to keep sane. Sorry she said you cant!!!

YOU CANT. It stung my ears like a piercing cold, what cant I do you ask well I cant exercise...its not fair and it make me so sad and I cant really stop crying about it...but I am to compulsive, the walking turned to running rather quickly ( runnings not allowed cause of me heart) and she said my compulsivity returned with a vengence..

SO my 2 week trial of exercise is over and its not fair I tell you, its just not fair.

honestly I dont know what she will do if I ignore her request and do it anyway..will she fire me, is that a risk I am willing to take? I dont know I will have to think about...It kinda sickens me at the thought of not having S anymore, so I will most likely abide by her rules but it SUCKS I TELL YOU...IT SUCKS the BIG one.

My face is still swollen from all the teras I shed last night...she let me go out the back door as I was to embarressed to go ut the front.

Im really glad you came in she said...yeah me too I said, you dont have to say that she said...okay then, I said I wish i hadnt.

she laughed and said it would be okay, we would work it out and I wasnt alone in this, I just need to trust her...we wished each other Happy thanksgiving and I left, only to sit in my car and cry...ad I went to the gym any way..

In other news A is sick with a bad cold, coughing her little lungs out..and whinnnning oh so much, if I here the word MOMMY one more time I just may change my name ... maybe to asshole or something, something I would forbid her to say so she could nt call me 24-7...oh well she s sick and such is the life of a mom with a sick kido.

I have much to do today folks...I have yet to go food shopping for the wonderful feast ( I hate the word feast) we shall me having tomorrow, I have a TON of cooking to do and I am not eating or fasting again today..playing with the food should be fun times back to ols AN times of making it but not partaking in it...tomorrow I will have some soup and turkey and thats it...maybe M will let me go for a walk...maybe...

WELL Happy THANKSGIVING Friends....dont choke on your turkey legs...pull the wish bone and may all your wishes come true>

Love, Z

Saturday, November 22, 2008

hmmmm fasting

seems like a good idea in my head, so what does that tell you...that it s most likely a BAD idea...but it sounds good, I know it would feel good, to be empty...Ill do liquids only...hmmmmm, thoughts

anyway I have allot to do today take A to a birthday party at chuck E cheeses, go to the gym, clean my house, go to game night at a friend from churchs house...busy busy busy..perfect time for fasting, but I guess that wouldnt be very Recovery humho...any way didnt purge yesterday so thats a good thing...and I ran a little durning my walk and that felt good too...Im a little sore today yeah!!!

not much to say

gotta get the kidddos in the tub

love, Z

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Im a failure

a flop

a dissapointment

a jackass

cant wait to tell S what a piece of shit I am

And to top it off I am still a cow

good grief

when will this madness end

why I ask

I cleaned and slept and purged today what a life what a freaking life

I need some serious help

where is S when I need her....

* I am a sad mess because I am so fat and I am useing behaviors and I am well getting sick AGAIN. how long can this go on I am going to be 29 next thursday yes...Thanksgiving..I think god is having a laugh at my expense...hahahaha, and I have had an Ed of some form or another since I was 15..this is getting a little old, really old actually.

*M is getting really worried AGAIN...and I dont know how to stop this mess, I dont want M to be worried, really I dont so I want to hide it and we all know how eds breed in secrecy....ugh what to do?

* Im to tired to do much of anything although I am allowed to work out 4 x s a week and I am taking full advantage of it...Im to tired to even type this really sucks

love, Z

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

day 2

day 2 of the food journal...ummm...thingy

so far so good only puked once yesterday and it was only a little I stopped mid purge and said PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOU R ASS!!! or bowl and I did! yeah me!!

So I saw S today and that was good we talked about the food journal trial shes worried it could lead to restricting hmmmmmm yep it could as I am hungry now but I am not to eta til dinner so I get a few hours of being hungry which must mean I am burning something...hmpth..

i asked if I could have my treadmill back

NOPE

before I could even get out the words NOPE was spoken, actually she laughed at me...yes I can see how it could be funny S yes hahahahaha

I wanna lose wieght I hope this food journal thing can help with that I have gained so much since tx discharge...its gross...so gross

Hospital was mentioned

WTF

we set up a date for M to come in and she made the comment last time we set up an appointment for you 2 we had to cancel cause you went into the hospital...well not this time i said....knock on wood she said...you need to get it together or thats where we are headed

NOT ME not this girl I am to fat for IP again no no no

besides my kids need me and I am getting all involved in thier school stuff how would it look if I had to go to hospital AGAIN....the fourth time this yr ugh I dont think so man, I can stop this purging I can I swear.

good thing is I am allowed to walk 4 days a week for 45 min....as long as i dont get OBSESSIVE okay so i wont..easy enough yeah right...

okay i gotta run

Sarah, if you read this sorry i missed your call i fell asleep...ill try to call you soon...miss you

love Z

Monday, November 17, 2008

food journals

So I am keeping a food journal for a week, well see how it goes I have to write about my hunger levels...whether or not I purged for the day and if so how many times..and ofcourse all binging must be reported...i m embarressed...I m afraid if I have to write down everything I eat i will restrict but that s better then purging, S talked to K and I am not allowed to do hour long walks any more ...only forty five min. which sucks but Ill take what I can get I know what its like to not be able to exercise at all.

I just had my first food journal meal and i am doing evrything in my power to keep it down...ugh...blogging helps

happy thoughts....

thanksgiving is next week last night my friend Alexis came over and we planned the menu...( our parents have passed the job on to us) ..Zack and Alyssa helped with the planning and if we go by Zs menu then we will be having tacos for thanksgiving..lol..

that kid cracks me up...but he is having trouble listening in school I think its cause hes not sleeping at night but who knows hes been pretty bold in school...he spit in another boys face and then they tackeled each other, great my kids a scrapper!

I am the helper parent for As classroom party for thanksgiving...yeah another food thing, I swear the world is not set up for chics with Eds...hahahaha

then in Zs class I have to be there early on monday cause they are having a party and of course thats another food thing...geez...

I am starting to feel like purging less I think I will keep writting, hmmmm what to write about well i am making like a million things for thanksgiving Iwill be cooking like the entire 2 days before hand...can we say trigger...

on a less happy note it will also be the 1 yr anniversery of my grandfathers death, and te hnext day the 28th will be mine and my grandmothers birthday, it really sucks cause although she will not be alone she wont have any close family with her on the aniversery of his death, they were together 60 odd yearsand I will be a bloody 29 yrs old another yr with Ed geez its getting a little old you know...

alright I need to go fill out my food journal

okay NO PURGING TODAY folks

wish me luck

Love, Z

Saturday, November 15, 2008

nothing

I have nothing all day

except sleep and lay around, Im so lazy and fat

I cant stand myself

I am now on bathroom watch as M now nows about the purging so I cant pee alone til 30min after I eat...ugh I guess its a good thing..

i have to meet my father for some free diapers after church tomorrow and for those of you who know the father crap well it should be fun ( sarcasim)

we have a church social after church tomorrow and I have made cranberry orange bread...I dont want to go as its a food thing but fuck it I might as well go and make a fool out of myself.

i just tried to pee and he locked the door

unbelievable

OMG

this is what my life has come to

I am remuda all over again

Zena

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

spoke to soon

OMG I have purging all day, HELP!!

EVERYTHING!!!

okay okay lets dissect

Why did this happen today after 2 good days what was the trigger...well Fuck if I knew I would nt have been in this position.

I am so sick of living like this SO sick of it and to top it off I am a fat piggy...no really I have gained like 20 pounds since Remuda...So thats 30 lbs since May WTF..

I need some serious brain overhauling

all is well or as well as could be in the land of the kiddies and the H is being good so what gives

I am about to quit

really folks

just about to give up

Z

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

looking up

so my friends things are starting to look up..I started exercising again ( this is a trial week to see if I get compulsive) I am allowed to walk 45 min 5 days a week...well 4 days and a dvd of yoga or pilates the 5th day, anyway I am excited, I am eating pretty well and am down to purging like once every other day, so that s good.


i had a good session with S today, we talked allot about balance and normal eating and exercise, how to be "normal" or "average" on my take to life. Even with my cleaning and blogging its like all or nothing like I cleaned my whole house today (yeah for a clean house) but its like once I started I had to finish thats where the compulsiveness comes into play and its like that with the blogging I either blog every day or I do once a week I cant seem to find balance in my life, thats what I am striving for a healthy balance.

I have been up and moving for a while now ( its 1:30pm) and I am afraid of eating again before my schedualed time so I want to take a nap..I hope M lets me hes home today, right now he is napping with the baby so i do think it should be a problem, I should be allowed to nap too, RIGHT?

anyway back to S, i really just adore her we were talking about dinner cause I have to go to dinner tonight with Ms family and she was getting all excited talking about all teh things she likes to eat and all the things she enjoys, it was funny to hear her talk like that, i mean she thin and she exercises but she eat whatever she wants and I think thats just great like she is able to be a perfect example of what balanced is, she was explaining that if once eats to much for lunch then they just have a smaller dinner they dont purge! Really i thought to myself you mean that you just stay really full and it goes away..so I said it out loud and she was like yes! and I even get hungry again later..funny how our bodies work, they actually want and NEED food...yes, funny I said.

We talked about thanksgiving and how I need to balance the day and I am goign to follow Ks plan so all should be well, yes I think i am going to be okay..slowly I am coming into my own understanding of what its like to be non Eded...slowly..although I still want to lose wieght I just want to be healthy too

Love, Zena

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I told myself

if I ever wieghed this much again I would kill myself...well i should be dead i wiegh more then I did when I was pregnant. Of course I was in tx then but who cares I have turned fat I am talking top of wieght for hieght FAT!!

Z

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I want to post about...

how I wiegh 5003 pounds and I am a fat cow and that i would rather be dead then be this fat, but no one really cares that I Am a cow or that I exist really so I am just going to say that tomorrow is Halloween and I got the kiddos really cute costumes and trick or treating should be fun if its not to cold.

I missed a K and S apt this week due to sick kids, it seem s like there is always someone sick in my house and really its getting quite annoying.

All I want to do is sleep and starve but i cant well I shouldnt although I have been sleeping a little too much lately.

I just had breakfast and i feel like breaking my knee caps...yeah fun stuff.

I need to see S tomorrow despertly...I need to tell her how dissconnected I feel from everything how I want a connection so badly and I dont know how to achieve it. I also see K tomorrow which should be fun since I havent really done much of what she asked of me except for today..today I had breakfast...ugh :(

thats it folks

I havent much to say

except I am a cow!!!!!!!!!!

zena

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Its getting hard

I feel the pull of the AN voice ..swallowing is hard , nothing seems apitizing...and everything hurts. I ate my dinner last night and didnt purge which is good in fact I havent purged for like 10 days or something like that...but I guess its cause Im not really eating all that much. food has become the enemy again, like this thing to fear that will torture me in my head...yes I still feel like I 5003 pounds but thats not it...thats not what AN is about right I am trying to grasp some control over something the question is what? I am having a hard time getiing up and getting dressed...I think I am falling into a deep depression even with the meds...sigh:(
all I want to do is sleep and I am desperate need of some support, I feel all alone. < is sleeping and its like 12:30 here...the kids are running around like little monsters...they are whinning and fighting over everything...its bordering looniness...even the baby is gettin ginto the act, its pretty fustrating, I have yet to take a shower or do much of anything that I need to do, like some major heavy duty cleaning, my house should be condemmed...

I slept allot I should be so tired but allas I guess that s what being depressed does to you...it sucks the life out of you...

I saw S and K yesterday whew rough stuff...S was really supportive in saying she knew how hard this was for me but that I have to admitt that I am unable to control my AN like I used, that I get sick really fast that it takes over my body and mind and I get weaker and weaker and I will be in hospital by chistmas...and that i just wont have....I wont have that you hear you devilish ED I wont fall victim again!!!!

In other sad news one of my best friends friends died monday morning, he was only 23 yrs old..he had a heart attack...no one understands and its just so sad and it bring the reality of death so much closer to the forefront...he was a healthy active 23 yr old youth pastor and he dies in five min from a heart attack...its so very sad and scary very scary.

Its especially scary because I have been told on several occations that my heart isnt in the best shape after all the years of ED abuse...so it could happen to me , really folks it could happen to me and that scares the crap out of me...what would happen to my kids..god what would happen to my kids...

I am full of despair and I unsure of how to pull myself out of it, its scary when you get to the point where the anxiaty is so high you alomst feel paralyzed...I feel alone and scared and frozen and geez I just dont know what to do

Love, Z

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

SO ... who is talking here?

Thats what I got asked today...well duh...Im talking...at leats my mouth is moving and words are coming out. SO she says it again "WHO IS TALKING HERE?"

"YOU OR ED"???


"OH" I say

"Oh" says S

and I sit and think about it and Im not really sure I mean we ( Ed and I) are so intertwined its hard to say where I start and ED ends or visa vera...which is my Ed voice and which is the sane Tara, the one that knows not eating all day is wrong and goes against nature or the one that wants her treadmill back cause she swears she wont abuse it this time...Who the Hell is talking here??

So I sat and we talked about it and you know what ED does most of my talking for me, shit he does most of my thinking and things get so twisted in my mind that forget what is real...what it is that I want out of life and i can asure its more then Ed has to offer...SO how to decifefer??Hmmmmmmm that is a toughie cause I have to be incrediably mindful of when I am talking Ed bull shit and when I am talking you know life stuff...I guess I am going to require some help in that department


So I am calling in the troops ...everyone you guys included :) So If i start talking about how I wiegh 5003 pounds and I am never eating again know that is not me cause I know that I have to eat to live and for sure I want to live I mean I have three incrediabley awesome kiddos who are the cutest things you ever did see, not that I am bragging but my gosh they are adorable!!!

Anyway about those cute kiddos..I am getting ready to pick th eoldest one off the school bus but first a little about halloween.

I love hallowween cause my kiddies are so cute...A is going to be the infamous Hannah Montana, Z is going to be a blue Power Ranger and I is going to be a horsey, last night we tried the babys costume on him and he wouldnt let us take it off for like an hour..it was so funny and then well Ill just tell this little tid bit so you can see how crack up it is in my house, there is this kiddie show on the Nick channel called Icarlie...its funny for a kid show anyway they do this thing where they all yell and lift up there shirts and rub there bellies and last night standing in my kitchen all three of my kids were doing just that yelling whowhowho... and rubbing thier naked tummies only the little one was wearing a onsie and could lift his shirt up he kept pulling at it and pulling at it...it was hysterical...we finally unhooked it for him and he lifted up his shirt laughing and rubbing his belly ( hes only 17 months) yelling wheeeeeeee... I swear I almost died of laughter..I have got to figure out how to post pics cause geez I am being selfish my keeping there good looks all to myself ;)

Love, Z

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The suckage which is ME

let me tell you I am falling fast ( I just typed fat and realized that would have been a nice little play on words)...okay okay so I know An is not the way to go but I am feeling stuck in that, "Life sucks kinda way and I dont know how to get out" I keep falling into the hole and let me tell you Im not finding it so easy to claw my way out. I know I cant live off of egg whites and cottage cheese yet i am seeming really fearful of all foods they seem to be making me sick...in the going right through me kinda way...thats real suckage not sure if you are going to make it to the bathroom in time so Im not eating its safer that way.

WHy do I want to do this to my family?? Well I dont I want to do this to me I want to cause my self pain an anguish...that i cant seem to answer right now cause I dont know the answer, I am so full of loathing and hate for myself I just want to dissapear, and wasting away is the only way I know how to end the pain...I tryed to eat dinner with M last night I really did try and I ate 4 chicken wings ( all day) and couldnt do any more so that was my intake yesterday...complete suckage...plus I had to run home any go to the bathroom...fun stuff.

I am struggeling and I told S I had til January to get my shit together ( as Iam out of IP days) she says I have til the end of the month...blahhhh, I know I will be in the hospital by dec. and I am just in the WORLD of DENIAL...which is a nice place to visit but I dont I say DONT wanna live there..but so tell me why I do this..M was pissed with the eggwhite and energy shot I had for lunch but I couldnt help it I just couldnt...I feel so fat and ugly and fat and stupid and isnt that what EDs are all about Fat, STupid, Ugly girls who like to starve themselves out of there misery..yeah I know I sound like a dumb shit but that would play into the stupid part of it all...and that which is complete denial is total SUCKage my friends.

So How do I dig myself out of the crator I dug for myself ...not sure and that too is suckage.

So what I needto do righth now is pull my head out of my ass, stop the denial bullSHIT, be a mom, lose the ED, Stay fat stupid and ugly and oh yeah stay alive.

and that the living part is the biggest SUCKAGE of them all

Saturday, October 11, 2008

BAD THINGS IN 3s

oh my so much drama so so much drama for this poor mama or my poor A should I say...lets see...wenesday we went to the pumpkin patch, we had a great time they got to go down a under ground slide, play with the animals and of course pick out a 26 pound pumpkin, we had a great day til we left. A didnt want to leave she started to throw a fit, i thought she was in the van but alas not all of her was...her wrist was not in the van so when I, yes I slammed the door her poor little wrist was there and whammo caught in the door. Scheeches ensued for the 40 min drive home as I rushed her to the ER for x rays...nothing broken just contusions oh and a possiable growth plate fracture...great...so they splint it up, wrap it up and she looked like a pathetic little half zombie wrapped in cloth, oh my poor A, she was up all night wenesday crying in pain...fun stuff let me tell you.

SO that was #1... here goes number 2 for the poor the A, No school yesterday and I had a T apt so lets just say the fun has to start there. I dropped the kiddies off at my sisters where she has a nice yard and it is OCTOBER...who'd a thunk there would be an attack of gianormous BEES...swarms... she must have rolled around in them cause the was attacked 8 stings in all, they were stuck in her clothes that we ripped off her poor swollen body and off course as she sat there naked screaming that they were eating her we tried to calm her down, to no avail she freaked. She cryed and screamed " why god ?? why did you make bees?? " so sad so very sad. SO shes naked and I call the Doctor AGAIN...what should I do I ask..Benadreyl and tylonal and hydrocortizone. SO I throw a match box 20 t shirt on her ( my sisters favo band ) with her cute little black boots ( she looked like a hooker ) A swollen little hooker poor thing...and we drive to the the pharmacy get all her meds and drive the poor little bee layden thing home...poor A..she is surviving I on the other hand am a nervous wreck I mean what else could happen what could be the #3...hmmmm let me see...

Oh yeah so I saw S yesterday and that was fun , i knew I should have cancelled I just knew it.... " that s hospital behavior" she says... what? I say " laying on the couch all day and NOT eating is what brings you to the hospital" well I have no more IP days left, I say So I am safe til january...and you know what she says " youll be dead by then" SO there it is folks the #3...death.

oh and my dishwasher just broke

could it get any better...Im a thinking not!!!!

Love, Zena

Monday, October 6, 2008

Microsoft At Home

Microsoft At Home

REMUDA they sent me a letter...

and it couldnt have been better timing...

Im relasping or lasping whatever???

and they sent me a letter they sent one to M too..he needs it too.

"Its not the acheing in your lungs or the burning in your lungs its the voice inside you that yells cant... but you dont listen you just push harder and you discover the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are"

Thats what I wrote to myself three months ago...it came as I was just about to BP ...REMUDA did save my life and for that I am grateful.

I am getting out of my box.

I want to contain myself but I will not I need to go cook some dinner...

Thankyou REMUDA...Thankyou

Love Zena

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sleeping onthe bathroom floor

seems comfy right...WRONG

A was sick last night throwing up god knows what and of course as she is only five she cant puke alone, I on teh other hand witch much prefere to puke alone but that is a different story...that is my story.

poor little thing but as we overslept as anyone who doest have an alarm clock in thier bathroom knows is bound to did the Z man but we good have skipped that as it was only pre school...anyway we were late and I didnt shower ( still havent and might not) anyway we only missed chapel so all was good saved a buck on offering and she didnt miss any important literary lessons that might occur in kindergaren..oh geez ...kindergarden is heavy duty stuff these days . she was learning about trapazoids and things of the like, hell she had to teach me what it was cause I sure didnt know.


Isaiah is coloring on my wall right now with Red crayon.

I dont even care of course M might care so I will somehow have to try to figure out how to either hide it or remove it and I dont feel like removing it....I will be 29 soon I want to be thin by then.

So thats where I am at.

i married Ed again last night...we decieded on no food except for egg white s and CHEESE...gotta have the cheese or it taste s so shitty.

Recovery is done da da DONE.

thanks dad for bring ing AN back ...you dont want to deal with so either do I.

shit ...the kids forgot to brush there teeth ...oh well at least I brushed mine...although they are falling out and breaking ..once again thanks Ed.

I want another baby

but the H man has cut his nuts so I cant unless I steal someone and I know the perfect persons to steal..can you guess I am feeeling slightly MANIC...that is what happens when I dont EAT...I tried eating but it s so over rated... besides I weigh like 5003 pounds and that does not require food....


ever seen the utube SHOES.. well that s how I am saying food...real quick like its a game...yeah I feel nutty but ofcourse sleeping in a room where people either shit or puke may have something to do with it....myu kids sure do puke a llot... the baby puked in DD yesterday while I was getting my coffee...it was so ooooooo GROSS...thankgod I didnt have to clean it up.

You know what I shouldnt have drank that energy shot its made me looopy.

my hands are cold and the baby s groweling at me...I need a hobby..oh yeah I forgot I have ED...all caus eI wiegh 5oo3 pounds

oh shoot me Id be better off....time to clean the house and definately the bathroom


LOVE Zena

Thursday, October 2, 2008

forty pounds

then I will be at my AN wieght..thats what I need to lose by ummmmmm the end of january..thats my new goal... no more recovery just wieght loss


Recovery is to hard and the refeeding sucked so now hmmmm I just want to lose wieght

No more dad crap


No more hard past sexual crap


No more abuse


just pure, refined wieght loss


ahhhh relief comes in knowing the plan

i cant wait to disappear

Love Zena


ps dont be sad for me this is what I want...its what I need...I need AN back

gosh I feel so relieved

Love, Zena

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Food sucks

i am so fat and will never eat again

thats it

Iam a cow

no comments please this is the honest truth and I am gross

No food EVER

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Letter to dad

I am unsureof how to start this letter and I am unsure of where it will take me. I dont want to come off as self rightous or accusatory , but there are many issues left unresolved between us at least for me.

I want to start off by saying that by you becoming a pastor has absolutely flabbergasted me and thrown me for one hell of a loop. I mean you never lived your life in the way that a man of god should live. You have been married and divorced three times. You have had affairs and have pretty much abandoned your own children during their formative years and you have never once apologized or even acknwledged that you were not a father let alone any type of standard parent.

I was taught ( not by you ) that being a man aof god mans many things, none of which you seem to exemplify. You are to be truthful, something you have struggeled with your entire life and at this point you seem to live in a fantasy world you have yet to be truthful with your self let alone your own children. you say wordsa nd then back them up with no action, and from where I am standing you have been like this your entire life.

I have asked you questions that I have known the answer to and you would out right lie to my face. I am unsure if it is a case of you telling the lies for so long that you actually believe them or that you are so oblivious to te hfact that you were never there for me. I am left to wonder what it is you actually believe. what you think and what your true values are.

YOu have shown that truth is not one of your values through your numerous lies.

Adultery is something you practiclly have a degree in, even up until a few years ago you were commiting Adultery...you were dateing a married women, maybe you still are I have no idea cause you are so untruthful.

As a child you ruled us through your fist and through fear, not through love and understanding. You threatened , lied and manipulated me throughtout my entire childhood.

You did everything in your power to make me feel sorry for you, to make me feel that you were the vicyim, but the truth is I am and if I allow myself to be I will continue to be your victim.

I have for my entire life craved the attention tha a father would naturally give to thier daughter but for some reason that never came easily to you. You always said the words " I LOVE YOU" but never acted as so. It has come to the point where I have accepted the fact that you will never be the father that I need, want or deserved but yet I still feel manipulated by you, you tease me with your words and empty promises. Words I want to believ, words I need and crave to believe, but I would only believe them if I were a fool, so I feel so foolish because I still continue to believe your false truths.

I see you for who you really are...a man. A man who threatened his children with fists and bricks. A man who didnt love his children enoughto be part of thier lives growing up. A man who committed adultery, more then once let alone it was with the partors daughter but that is besides the point. or maybe that is the point How can you claim to be a man of god when you have yet to ask for forgiveness for all your sins you have commited.maybe God has forgiven you but you have never apoligized to me you have righted no wrongs, you still continue to manipulate my thoughts and believes. But I will no longer play apart in the self destruction that your thoughts and words play upon me. I have been a fool inthe past but now I am standing up for myself...you dont love me you love you. I am okay with that but please dont try to fool me into thinking you are a man of god, perhaps if you said you had repented for all that you have done that you were eternally sorry for what you have done but you havent done taht you have played the mayter. You pretend taht all your life you have acted as a man of god and that my dear father is teh fartherest thing from the truth.

Love, Zena

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Anxiety

Boy lately my posts sure have been a bummer and I fear this one will be no less of a downer. Just finished feeding the little man his oatmeal and the thought ran trough my head " you should be having some too" but Im not Im to anxious to eat and I M and I are fighting which isnt helping matters and he told me to move out and I said no and thats where it was left and I keep thinking well at least I still have my ED.

I miss my old An body and how clean it used to feel now I feel the flesh growing all over me and it completely unnerves me...I keep staring at old AN pics and keep thinking how easy it would be to go back there that s what I want I want my old body back I dont fit in this one very well...I have no clothes that fit just old AN clothes hidden in my drawers and when I think of It (them) my anxiety sky rockets and I can barely breath.

I feel like I am suffacating.

drowning in my own flesh and its really a repulsive feeling, really very repulsive I just wish days could go by without food...I want to slip back into my own little world of nothingness and bones. i am not happy I am very unhappy.

when will I finally be happy??

I cant seem to answer that question.

there is so much going on with the kids in school and I feel so overwhelmed...I am the helping parent on monday for Z mans preschool and I feel like tehy will all be thinking how fat she is..thats the mother what a cow, i felt that way on friday at the field trip, and ofcourse since I have no clothes that fit me I have to wear the same thing and then I will be judged for that...gosh I cant stand it I cant stand having to be in this world like this, i am so miserable...miserable just fucking miserable.

A is sick asd had me up much of the night...she was vomiting and coughing and just felt generally aweful and of course it made me feel aweful and of course I didnt get enough sleep and for that I am miserable . I hope it doesnt rain again today. that was random, but its been raining buckets here for days and frankly its getting a little old...I guess there was a hurricane somewhere and we are ..were getting the remnents.

oh hell

i am so pissed at M I could scream ...he is accusing be of having a boyfriend. ha . like I would ever let another human being look at my body is positivly obsurd..luticrous. simply insane. Hes generally nuts but has been getting nuttier and nuttier I really dont know when he think I would have the time or the desire to be with some one else its really just quite insane.

All of this shit combined is driving me bonkers..I guess maybe Iam going nuts too

Zena

Thursday, September 25, 2008

well it happened

wow I had a rough session with S on tuesday and I sobbed my way through, recovery is hard harder then I thought. I recieved an email back from my dad and I will post it later but it was hard and completly invalidating and sadening. he called my mother crazy...sortof in a round about way...he said I just need to get my mind well..implying that I wouldnt have these crazy thoughts if i were well. Its all so sad and I have been crying allot.

i only see S once this week as I am going on a field trip with the Z man and I told S I was glad I wouldnt be seeing her twice as I wasnt sure I could really handle it. Good news is I now have four sessions where we didnt talk about behaviors...just the hard core issues. I am so sad. I am grieving the loss of a father I never had...its really very sad, I am sad and it hurts.

I dont know how to do this how to carry on with this man who is absolutely not what I need nor want from a father, yet this is who I have as my dad and i kind a just need to ajust. It aches in me and It scares me cause I know I am not done dealing with all the crap that there is to deal with, he needs to come to a session with S but I think I will be hard pressed to get him to come although he had agreed to it when I was in Remuda.

Thats another thing thats so ironic In Remuda he was the only one who had all these wrongs that I have done to him that I didnt apoligize for...I apoligized for allot and I thought itwas all covered but he brought up all this stuff like me not CALLING him when I was 15 or 22 or whatever age I was durning the times he NEVER bothered to call me...part of me just wants to give up the whole relationship...its just all so sad maybe though that would be taking the cowards way out

maybe just maybe I really need to start to use my little voice something I kinda did with the emails ( I sent him 2) as I didnt get a response after the first one oh well he sucks and I cant stop the tears

okay okay so you want to know about the food

well its going okay and just okay...a purge here or there nothing major and a missed mea or 2 but I always make up for it but today I feel sick the kinda sick thats just anxiety that leads to restricting and I dont know but I feel like I am going with it, Im just so sad I need a lift, like know ing that Ed is still there

sigh

:(

Zena

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Tears

well geez i dont know where to begin, i feel stuck, frozen in a sense, i feel like I amabout to cry and yet the tears wont come .I amjust on the verge, constantly on the verge of tears

I have stayed busy so far this morning and cleaned my house, and dressed the kiddies and we are takingthem to a fun park this afternoon but alas i am numb and havent showered or eaten anything but coffee yet today and it is after 11 so i have missed breakfast and it feels good. It makes me not want tocry so badly this numbing out without food it feels good. And it shouldnt. It cant or else I will relaspe and that is something I dont want, I cant do it yet I dream about it. About being thin again...i stare at the picture I have of me where i am emacitaed and I like it doest seem scary at all it seems good and therefore I feel like crying cause I am so fat know especially compared to what I used to be...I feel likecrying wherever I have to get dressed...I have been wearing the same pants for the last 2 weeks they are going to wear out and then I will be left with no pants and I will not buy any more cause I am to fat and I am disgusted y my self and it all makes me so sad.

Why cant I just be normal, why does recovery have to hurt so bad??

I can see myself slowly relasping ...slowly as so that no one notices and its what I want...but I dont and I feel so shitty for even thinking it...

shit
It all sucks so much and I just need to cry it out and I cant seem to... and there is the crap with my dad and boy is it crap...he sent me junk email instead of a response to the one I wrote him and it leaves me to wonder did he get it/ Is he ignoring it? what ? what is goiing on? And that fustrates me even more and leads to the feelings of tears that elude me

Damit

I really feel like this all may not be worth it

Zena

Monday, September 15, 2008

I would like to say FORGET RECOVERY

but i cant things are going to well

But I hate my body

maybe if I just lose a little wieght, just a little.

I cant stand my body did I say I CANT STAND MY BODY!!!!!!!!

I keep trying to figure out how to coexist in a body that isnt mine, this isnt me its way to fat, and this is not a distortion, i have gained well and beyond what was needed to be healthy and it doesnt seem to be stopping, WTF. How does it happen that one goes from being to thin to to fat, like that.WTF again.

okay why do I not want to forego recovery in hopes to achieve the perfect and I say perfect like that cause it never is perfect and everyone knows it.

1) cause my kids are 1st in my life now and I think they like it better that way

2) cause I can eat at a wedding and NOT freak out

3) cause no one stares and says " what does she have cancer"

4) cause me and M arent fighting over food

5) cause I can eat pizza at chuck e cheeses withteh kids

6) cause I can talk about real issues with S instead of just how fat I am

7) cause my team actually wants to see me and I get to tell them good news instead of being told I need to be in hospital

8) cause no one spends thier days worrying if I will die durning it

9) cause I actually remember playing with my kids instead of counting calories while they play

10) cause I actually have a list of why Recovery rocks

why does Ed suck

Cause he steals those other 9 things away from me

okay okay so recovery Rocks and Ed sucks but I am still fat

Zena

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Fat Cow

thats what I am a fat fucking cow!!!!!!!

I have a wedding to go to in 1 hour and I am feeling like a big ass fucking cow.

My dress is



trigger alert










a size 6


yep and I can barely zip it


fucking refeeding


fucking food


fucking body the betrayer



ugh


I cant go to this wedding



Im going to cry, I can feel it


my new mantra is suppossed to be " A BIGGER SIZE IS WORTH IT IF i DONT LIVE IN CHAOS" Well S I dont think so

gross

Zena

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Motherhood and seasons

Why do I like to be a mom? thats a good question and I have an answer and its not the crying before school or the sick kids or the thousands of dirty diapers I have changed, but its the simple things like playing with a babys belly til they cant laugh anymore, its watching your child learn and grow into a little person...its so many things that I love about being a mom...

watching them learn how to talk...its pretty cool til they learn to say NO! lol...no really though I think being a mom has changed me for the better and now that i am not living withEd as my best friend I am able to be a real mom again. I am enjoying the small things. I am enjoying the nice weather and all the memories it brings back, I mean my childhood didnt suck all the time there were some fun times like trick or treating and breathing in the cool fall air...dressing up as little red riding hood and loving every moment. Cuddeling on the couch with my mom and reading or just being.

Yes its those simple things that make being a mom worth it.

So I am thinking and have been for some time now about what makes a good mom. And I have come to the conclusion that I really need to stick up for my child. A specificlly. I need to write that letter or email or whatever to my dad. I need to protect A. there are times and places for alldifferent relationships in ones life and now is a time for me to focus on being a mom! Not a daughter. especially not a daughter to a man who was never really a father to begin with...perhaps this is not the season to be a daughter, at least not to him.

I am torn though and I am tring to figure out why, like what am I so afraid of, what can the man do to me that he has not already done. He has already abused me, he has already abandoned me, he already has made me feel unconfortable so why am I so afriad to put him in a position that he might have to defend himself, what dont I want him to feel??

And the bigger 4 million dollar question...Is Isnt A worth making this man feel...uncomfortable. well you bet she is. She is worth more then that man could ever be or is.

Motherhood is funny like that ...you have to put your kids needs ahead of all else...so I am goign to send that email.

anyway...the baby is laying on the floor and being so cute watching dora and babbleing ( still not talking yet) but thats okay cause it means he gets to be a baby just a little while longer...awwwww he is so cute.

The kids are in school with thier little back backs just filling thier little brains full of knowledge and all sorts of interesting information, its a great process to watch really it is.

Then thier Is the Z man who apparently despite is wretched behavior at home is an absolute angel in school , go figure we thought he would be a problem child at school but he has once again proved us wrong, kids do that they prove you wrong all the time..and its great.

It smells like fall outside. It s cool and breezy and sunny and its simply beautiful out...I love this time of year...I think I will take the kiddies to teh park this afternoon.

Happy almost fall everyone.

Love, Zena

Friday, September 5, 2008

Dad part 2

I need to talk to my dad

I m scared

I dont know how to do it

its eating me and M apart that he grabbed her butt and tried to kiss her and I dont know how to do it.

I m scared

really fucking scared

sick to my stomach scared

why cant I just open my mouth and use my voice??

its really pissing M off! He wants to be the one to say something, he says its his daughter and it s eating him alive inside he cant sleep at night cause he s afraid that A wont know if something happened to her or not that she wont know what is a good touch and what is a bad touch...That she will suffer the same fate as I, that she she too will be damaged goods.

Fuck

this is aweful

bloody fucking aweful

I need some balls anyone want to lend me theirs??

shit

I dont know what to do or how to do it..I am thinking of emailing him..of being gentle and kind and just saying the following:

Dear Dad,

I dont know how to go about saying this because I am sure you didnt mean anything by it but we are teaching our daughter that no one is allowed to touch her in her private areas and A mentioned that that she wanted to know why grandpa did. She said that you grabbed her butt and that it made her feel uncomfortable. Now I am sure you had purely innocent intentions but its really not an appropriate way to touch her. She is young and impressionable and we dont want her to think that its okay for anyone to touch her except mommy or daddy and only when we are washing her.

I dont want you to think that I am angry because I am nothing of the sort but A was made unfortable and I know that is something that none of us want. So just try to be more aware of where you touch her, a hug and a kiss on the cheek is more then acceptable and A would know that is a "good" touch.

Love, Z

what do you guys think?? am I being to easy ?? should I be more firm?? I am really afraid of hurting his feelings and him not wanting to speak with me again, ofcousre A is way more important then any relationship I could or would ever have with him but there is this part of me that still feels like a child in his presence... am i taking the cowards way out?

I am i know it

but I dont know what else to do

i just cant confront him in person I will shrivel up and die for that I am sure

Love, Zena

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

sadness

I am feeling bad really bad. The kind of sad that hurts in my stomach.I went to a funeral today for my fathers uncle and yes it was sad, but thats not it, seeing my father and watching like an outsider how he touches me is well just plain creepy. He rubs and and fondels me liek I am his girlfriend and I found the whole thing very sad...i started to disconnect from it all and my sister commented on how sad I looked "everyone Notices " she said

we attended a party together on saturday and I guess after I left some people were talking about my eyes, yes shes sick ...you can tell they said in her eyes. and they are all right I feel so sad.

anyway back to the funeral

my dad flaunted us ( mysister and myself) like we were some prize to be won...he continually grabbed my hand and told me how much he loved me and well it was just to much, I feel overwhelmed with distain for myself. I am left to wonder "does he not know how inappropriate he is?" and "did he act like this to me my childhood years??"

know wonder I am left with a feeling of mistrust and fear...he touches me and it makes me feel sick...why cant I remember??

M thinks I am crazy and how could I not remember, but I honestly dont, I dont remember.

then there are my aunts who act as if there hasnt been a disconnect between us for the last 20 years, like they were actually a part of my life and I should feel some love toward them, and it leaves me sad, sad for the relationship (s) that I never had that I lost somewhere along the way, down tha road that isnt traveled or talked about for that matter...when my father left my mother his whole family left me ( and my sisters ) behind, like we didnt matter...I have struggeled my whole life with the concept tha I dont matter, like my needs are to much and now I think I know where I get it from.

i was sent very clear messages as a child and all while I was growing up that I wasnt good enough that I didnt measure up, I was a girl and I was inferior somehow.

it was the silent messages that hurt the most, like getting the xmas present from my grandmother even though we were the only girls we would get 5 dollar dolls while the boys would get huge extravagent gifts, and I was never ungrateful but I realize now how short my end ofthe stick really was and it makes me feel so sad, sad for what I never had, sad for that little girl who feels so alone in that room full of people...people who now thatI am a grown adult think thta I cant remember what it was like when I was growing up how I was never good enough, how I was never special enough and how I had this ache for family even as a young child...I guess I knew then that they would never be my "family"

so now when I see them it makes me feel so aweful inside, its like a stabbing reminder that i am not goood enough and it hurts it hurts in my core, I suppose because I wanted them to love me just for me, and yet they dont even care enough to see my kids, i am the only one to give my grandmother, great grandchildren...but they are treated no better then I, and it again reminds me of how sad they make me.

So why do I only visit at x mas?? they want to know why I dont make more of an effort and the reason plain and simple is it just hurts to much, they remind me that I am not nor was I ever good enough.

Love, Zena

Monday, August 25, 2008

DAD

I hate to say it but truth be told my dad is well.... was abusive. In lots of different ways...verbally, emotionally and at his worst and from what I fear the most to be true, sexually.

thats not to say that he does not have good qaulitys and for the most part I cant quite remember what happened but I know he crossed some serious boundries and is perhaps the reason behind my eating disorder. I dont say things like this in gest and take it quite seriously and really I hate to even talk about it but for my daughters sake I feel that I must.

Something happened this weekend when I went to visit my dad. something I would rather pretend didnt, but for As sake I must bring this up.

He tried to kiss her.

In a way that made her uncomfortable, you could tell..it was obvious and when she would go along with the kiss he grabbed her butt...it brought back memories, not good memories and struck me in such a way that I know something is wrong something is or was very wrong with my childhood.

there are blocks of time that are missing from my memory...time I wish I knew what happened and then there are times I wish I could forget.

Like the time he kissed me.


I remember how scared I was.

I remember running from the room.

I remember feeeling dirty.

and I wont let that happen to A.

How dod I do this girls?? How do I tell this man I have feared my whole life not to touch my daughter like that? what do I say?

Dont do that to A!!!!

DO what? he would say

your making her uncomfortable....and it FUCKING scares me!!!

could I say that to him...leave out the fucking part...

I need to protect A and at the same time I am so afraid of my dad, afraid that he might leave me again but maybe it would give me some control the kind of control that I never had growing up, maybe it might be the start of healing a healing that has needed to happen for a long time...sigh....

i need to talk to my dad

god I am just so scared

maybe I am scared of the truth, who said " the truth shall set you free"?? and will it really or will I just live in fear forever?

Love, Z

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Sorry

didnt mean to worry anyone I have been just super busy with the day program...working the program doing the best I can to kick this Ed in the rear!!!

We had a joint session with the T up there today ( at the day program ) ( M and I ) it went great ..we talked about how he could better support me and how I need to stop shutting him out...ouch! I didnt even realize I did that, its amazing to what therapy does for you. I exchanged emails with S on tuesday and it went great. we discussed me working the program and her continuing her work with me when I am discharged...whew....let me back up...

SS the T up at the day program had made a comment to me about "Wondering if S would still see me cause sometimes Ts terminate with non-compliant patients" well ofcourse I freaked out...but I did it silently this time and kept it all to myself...I looked at her strangely but didnt say a word while I panicked inside..I was terrified and the thought that S might terminate me was ruminating in my mind..yep I was full bore on the verge of a panic attack!!!!

So I emailed S calmly and rationally and told her what SS had said and was there any truth to it or did she come up this of her own valition...it turns out she did, I mean S never said she would terminate her in fact she never even spoke with SS but now tha she knew who to contact she would surely be doing so...so Wheeeeewwwwweeeee!!!!


S is not going to terminate me!

on to better things

A starts kindergarden in less then two weeks and I am freaking out, I am so worried shes not ready I mean with having a mom who has been in tx 2 summers in a row doing day programs and trying to get well I havent exactly been the most present mother in the world....So I am worried for her, they say its natural no parent thinks there child is ready to start school but I am just so nervous for her...ekkk i have mini panic atttacks whenever I think about it.

I really want to drink tonight

but I am resisting the urge I am useing allot of DBT skills, buts its freaking hard, man alive its hard.

I am back to taking my meds regularly which is good and I am working on the healing process.

I had a flat tire tuseday night...completely shattered flat, when its time for some new tires flat...another bummer...it seems its been one thing after another lately ...

I ll be around more...but less if you know what I mean, I am cutting back on my computer use ( it became another complusion )

okay folks thats all she wrote...

Love, Zena

Sunday, August 17, 2008

fighting

I am fighting to win this battle with addictions, I caved last night and gave into the alcohol...I ate to much but didnt purge which is good...I also did allot of moving and somehow hurt my left foot..ohhhh it hurts, I went for a short run yesterday morning and then walked around an amusment park for 4 hours because .... we had Zacks 4th birthday party. He had a blast, the weather stayed nice so we stayed extra long and I am paying for all the extra exercise...

Anyway my stay in the hospital went well they were very strict on the food front and I think maybe I might make it, I am trying really trying this go around and I start the day program tomorrow so that will be good, and I they are going to call me for an alcohol evaluation tomorrow...so I will be getting tx for that as well.

I miss S

I am tired and a little cranky about the foot situation...

I guess I dont have much to say these days Ill update when something of importance occures

Love, Zena

Friday, August 15, 2008

life on the inside

well ladies ...I m back and feeling well sort of out of it...not so sure what I will be posting about in the coming days, but know that I am safe, back on the road to recovery and feeling well

Love, Zena