Thursday, December 11, 2008

starting over

okay so I dont want to end up in the hospital I have decieded that!!!can i keep myself out of it well thats another question...I just ate 2 eggs and a piece of toast and I feel like a bloated pig but I am not and I need to remind myself of that, I have lost quite a bit of (needed) wieght in teh last 2 weeks..but now its going to far I am barely eating and everyone is mad at me, so I am starting over...

my new plan for today is

not purge my lunch !!!!


and have 2 more eggs with a piece of toast for dinner.

K my N gave me a new MP to follow today where I need to add one carb a day for the next week til i get to 8 carbs a day...so thats what I amm doing with the toast...I am upping it one from yesterday...of course I am only doing it cause I know I am still not eating enough and I will lose wieght...

what do I do folks how do i find the motivation to kick this Ed in the ASS!@!!!

any suggestions??

and how do I get over this body image issue...its killing me


Love, Z

11 comments:

Palmtreechick said...

I wish I had an answer for you, z. I really do. I hope you can keep this positive outlook though because you do nee to get better.

Zena said...

thanks PTC,

I hope so to..I dont think i am going to eat dinner though I am freaking out over the lunch I ate and that was 3.5 hours ago...I just emailed with S and she told me to get mad at the guilt and the ED voice...I told her I wanted to quit tx...I got a big DONT QUIT and a ps good job on lunch...I dont know how much longer I can hold out.

Love, Z

DaftDragon said...

Hey Z,
Glad to hear you ate today :) I am glad to hear you have some resolve now, that is absolutely they key.

What do you do? One thing I did was to say things even though I didn't believe them. "I want to eat this food because it is nourishing and will keep me healthy." "I love my body and I am beautiful as I am." "I love myself by eating well, so that I may better be there and connect with the people I love." I am glad I ate that meal, I am satisfied and proud." Another thing was to actually take the time to put myself together each morning. I don't know your routine, but I find the day is better if I start with a shower, moisturize, do my hair and actually pick out a decent looking outfit. Look in the mirror and list three things I like about myself when I am done. Doning other things that are healthy, like being outside, also helped me.

You can kick this!

Palmtreechick said...

Oh Z, I get so sad when I read this. You need to go back to the hospital. I know it sucks (well, I don't know personally) but I think it might be the only way at this point. You need people to help you.

firefly said...

Zena: I know you're having a hard time right now but you can't lose weight because you are giving in to ed. Plus it's not fair! O.K that was my ed voice. Do you think a contract would be helpful? How do we get out of this? Have you read Life without Ed?

zubeldia said...

Honey, where do you see yourself a month from now? 6 months from now? A year from now?

You're an adult, sweety, and a mother, and with that comes a major dose of responsibility. I know it's hard to hear, and I know that you love your kids, but you're deluding yourself to think that this isn't having a profound effect on them. Not many children come out of this situation unscathed.

Only you can do this, Tara. Nothing we can say will make much of a difference. I don't know what would help you, or what it would take for you to change, but your life is falling apart around you and it's just so sad to see, my friend.

zubeldia said...

Hey Tara, I've been thinking about you a lot today. I know my words were strong earlier, but, sweetie, I am truly worried about you. I know that the denial protects us, but it's our enemy in the end. You can do this...

I don't think it's a simple choice to eat, but I think there are things that you could do to get you there. Eds are miserable, they have a grip that is so fierce it's a wonder anyone recovers. But you've had periods of remission before, and I know you can do this again.

take care, buddy.

firefly said...

Tara: Where are you? I'm afraid you given up. Answer your phone. We may get an ice storm this week. I think peeps on sf are too jugemental sometimes. Love ya!

DaftDragon said...

Hey Z,
Checkin in and worried you haven't posted again. Update soon por favor, hope all is ok.

Zena said...

Sorry guys didnt mean to worry any of you but we have been without internet since friday, bad ice storm...I will update later..things are still the same ...Im just sad

firefly said...

Z:I get your saddness. Glad you braved the ice storm. We may get some tonight. My parents finally got electricity back after church today. Hang in there. I know it's hard but you have to fight ed. Please call me.