Tuesday, March 30, 2010

So they say life goes on....

personally i would like to know how...i mean really when ones husbands hangs himself in your house how does life really go on...okay i mean it goes on for other people...there lives arent marred by the pain and grief of such a devastating loss. My life...my life is forever scarred!

I was walking into target saturday ( my fav store) and as i was getting out of my car i hear this like 17 yr old girl bitching and crying over her prom dress, she changed her mind, it didnt look ads good as she thought it did and she freaking stared crying...it took every ounce of restraint for me not to run up to her a slap her as hard as i could and scream "what the fuck are you crying for? its a dress...your life will go on...my husband hung himself...his life is over...Done...snuffed out...you what a reason to cry, here Ill give you one!" of course i didnt..thankgod or id probally be sitting in jail right now instead of writting...but still why doesnt the world see the bigger picture...life is so fragile...and the stupid child was crying over a dress. I know i sound bitter..its cause i am.

Then there was the poor man at mobile...oh the poor man...he id's me for fun, cause even if you couldnt tell by my shit ass pictures in real life i dont look thirty...some guess 18 (when Im not with my kids) some 23 but never much higher...anyway, i walked in saturday night to get my cancer sticks...and he smiled, looked at me and said "oh you look so tired, ...long day at work?" I looked at dead on and said "NO my husband just died!"...he was definately taken aback and kinda stuttered, i turned to walk away and just said "not the answer you were expecting huh?" I guess saturday was NOT one of my more composed days. I still feel bad for the mobile man...maybe I should apoligize..or maybe he shouldnt comment on the fact that I looked like shit!

I guess I need to learn to bite my tongue which has never been a problem before usually my problem was that I never said what I was thinking or feeling...hmmmm funny how life works.

You Mike you didnt have to do this to make me open my mouth i would have learned one way or another!

Anyway I suppose I should update on the E.D front...hmmmm...so yeah not so good...saw K yesterday, and I guess when you have an E.D grief is not an acceptable reason to lose wieght...at least not to the extent to which i did...she wouldnt tell me how much cause she said she was not engageing in conversation with my eating disorder but...she had to keep moving the dial thingy over like 5 times so im thinking it was close to double digits...yes my E.D is happy but ummm the rational part of me ( which happens to be really small right now ) is really freaked out right now...apparently in the last week i went from looking "healthy" (loath that word) to kinda looking scary...what do they expect MY HUSBAND HUNG HIMSELF!!!

but really in all honesty, which i always try to be...the first week was all completely grief...i constanly felt sick and really didnt function very well...sometime on friday when i realized i had lost wieght (clothes fell off) E.D hopped on my shoulder and whispered lets see how far we can go...when I went to see K yesterday...and she wieghed me she kept moving the dial thingy farther and farther to the left like 5 times or so so im thinking its close to double digits in the loss, i asked her to tell me me but she said she refused to talk to my E.D...whatever..

So here i am a widow at 30, the mother of three young children, the owner of a raging E.D, in a deep depression and some severe anxiety and yes now panic attacks.....so they say life goes on...tell me how...i cant blame him for what he did, im sure that heaven is allot better then this hell on earth!

Sorry to be such a downer but its my blog and I'll bitch, whine, moan, cry if i want to:(

but i still wish you all much peace and love...cause shit...well you all deserve it...now how to figure out why i deserve it too....blahhhh

Monday, March 22, 2010


dear jesus bring him back, fix him, fix his body, mind and soul.

mike, I scream to the heavens so you can here me...remember the time we went away for our anniversary, and we laughed and ate and went horseback riding and walked in that beautiful park, (You hated the walk, but said it was worth it because you were with me :)) we held hands and kissed, they made us where helmets and you joked they wouldnt be able to find one to fit your head. We shopped and loved...we were at peace.

remember when our baby girl was born, and you held her for the first time, remember your joy, how proud you were of her of me of us!

YOU named her...she will always be your baby.

remember when you finished our house, how proud you were? you built it for a year with your sweat and your hands, every nail in that house was put there by you, and you did it for us, so we could have a home.

do you remember how great of a father you were to our children while i was away, do you remember family week? and you played me that song by Craig Morgan, "and I thought I was tough"...remember when you arrived and you jumped out of the car and i ran to you, and hugged you like i have never hugged another human soul? we were the only ones there or so it seemed.

You would wrap your arms around me and swallow me in them, see mike i remember the good, i will forget all the bad...you promised me on our wedding day, you would be with me til we died...you kept your word, it just didnt have to be so soon.

I cant bare the thought of putting you in the ground, i want to see you float up to heaven to be with our lord.

We will never forget you, we (i) will love you forever, you didnt have to do this to make me see...I KNOW you loved me, i will never forget...please watch over us, tell god to help us through, you can still take care of us, please dont really leave me (us).

I hope you are finally at peace, but really i can not believe you are gone...just hold me one more time...what were my last words to you, were they harsh, i cant remember, i pray they werent i pray you know that anything cruel i ever said was said out of anger...mike I loved you, my heart always will, you gave me 3 beautiful children, pieces of you...i will treasure them, i will always take care of them, i will keep them safe, you dont have to worry, they will always hear how much you loved them, i will never let them forget. YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Dear Mike,

Im so sorry. I loved you. I promise I will remember the good and not the bad. I will tell the children everyday how much you loved them. I love you, Im so sorry, Please Mike forgive me...Please tell me you are okay...please please come back. I cant bare to put you in the ground. I cant do this without you, they need 2 parents, They need you. I keep thinking you just went on a trip, that you will come back, its okay please come back, i will try, I will ....do anything...please im sorry, what more do you need i will do anything, you must have been so scared, there were spiders there, you must have been so afraid. why did you do this? there had to have been another way...you were getting help...why didnt they help you?? Please Mike Please ...Im sorry sorry..my tears feel like your blood...its on my hands...it wont go away...please mike just come back.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Mike is dead

He killed himself

He didnt pick up the kids

I knew something was wrong

my mother and stepfather went to ourhouse

It was dark and his car was there

they called the police

he hung himself in the back room

Im in shock

I cant breath

my kids no longer have a father

how will they survive

how will i tell them

I am so scared

Im at a complete loss

my mother saw him

I want this to be a nightmare

I will wake up tomorrow and it will all be okay

I dont understand

please help me

Thursday, March 18, 2010

When you wake up...

and you realize that the sun does shine, and the cloud of doom that you feel follows you everywhere you go is not real...what do you do??

Do you accept that the sun is shinning, that today doesnt have to be like yesterday or do just assume that is WILL rain, even if there is not a cloud in the sky.

I always assume the worst, I dont just assume it will rain, I assume a tornado will spawn out of the clear blue sky and swipe my house off the ground and land it in the middle of the ocean ( even though the nearest ocean is like 3 hours away) and inside we will all be flopping around like fish ( but because we are not fish we will drown.

That is not reality...that will not happen, it cant!

So why do I think that if I step out of my restrictive little box the sky might fall or the earth will fall of its axis and cause a major world ending event?

Do I really think I have all these magical powers? I am not and never will be that powerful. BUT I am powerful, I mean I do have power I am not powerless, and can control somethings and it can even be food. That however doesnt mean i have to control how little I eat, it can mean I have the power to control how "normal" i eat. Nothing bad with happen if I eat a regular yogurt instead of a light one (holy shit reality check) if I eat a whole turkey sandwhich instead of half of it, while somehow manageing to pick off all the crust and make as many crumbs as possiable so I ingest as little as possiable.

Do I really think that if I drink that boost...It would have been better off being sent to the starving people of Haitie? No! Do i have that IRRATIONAL thought..you bet, do I need to act on it, ummm no! I mean Im not actually going to go to the post office and mail Haitie the boost...it will sit in my fridge with me thinking I should, Yes there are people on the opposite side of the world starving but am I helping them by starving myself as well...I suppose not..I mean NO!! No it will not help them.

When I wake up I need to look on the rattional side of the bed...I need to act before I think (to much) I need to remember I am just as worthy as the next guy, there is no cloud hanging over me waiting to destroy my home if I drink that boost, its just NOT going to happen.

When I wake up hungry and think thankgod...I get to be hungry, I need to be rational and think what would a "normal" person do? they would so Im told EAT BREAKFAST!!! "normal" people dont like to walk around all day hungry, it doesnt make them feel good...so that leads me to the question "WHY DONT I DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD...LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD?" not that the rest of teh world feels good all the time, but as far as I can tell they dont purposly make themselves feel BAD!

Yes everyone has pain, but I dont think that most of the world makes there own pain.

I create my pain...my choas..my internal hate...not to say that there hasnt been real trauma in my life that has caused me pain, but why do I feel like I need to perpetuate it?

I woke up today feeling "okay"...cause I was in fact hungry and that told me that I was good...hunger ='s good...IRRATIONAL thought...oh wise mind where did you go??

So I have this crazy idea that if I eat in a somewhat normal pattern today will I still feel "okay" ...but of course I also feel/fear that it will make me feel HORRIABLE...(you know tornado taking my house to ocean and letting us all drown horriable) but I also know that, that WILL NOT happen. Laura a while back posted about the 5 stages of Recovery...well stage 2 blows...but the only way to make it to stage 3 is to stick with suckiness of stage 2 and move toward stage 3 so...Today i will put a foot on the rational side of the bed...I will try to honor my hunger...and even if I dont really feel it to be nessacary I will try to feed myself like a "normal" person, I will climb out of my irrational head and try to step into the rational world!

Maybe i should just get back in my bed and get out on the other side maybe that will help or maybe I should just put on my big girl pants search for my rational mind and do what i know i should do!

Maybe my rational mind is hiding under my bed...maybe I'll check there first and if its not there then I will just have to hope the tornado thats waiting to drop my house into the ocean will drop off my rational mind instead!

Hey stranger things have happened...right?

Love you all

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

To my madre

Today is my mothers 57th birthday!!! Go mom...you put up with allot of crap (allot mine but not all :) )

I was inspired by Brie's awesome post about her amazing family!!

So mom I love you, you Rock!!!

Your goal in life is to see all your children, grandchildren and dear friends happy and healthy!!

Last week you stole my keys so I would eat ( I almost tackeled her to the ground)

This week you paid for me to go to a conference to give my journey some hope, you paid for my train tickets to help me heal...you listened to me scream and cry over yogurt and you prayed for me (without my knowledge...so you thought).

I can never repay for all you have done and endured for your family, and even though you may never read this I want the world to know how awesome you are!!

Thankyou mom for giving me life, thankyou for never letting me quit and yes thankyou for stealing my keys even if it ment that i might wish you harm:)

ALL Moms are special...But mine...well she just Rocks!!!

To all you moms ( and moms that will one day be) Know your purpose in life has been ( or will be) already fufilled...You are all gifts from god...and as hard as it is for me to say...Im a mom...so I guess that means me too!!

Love you mom...and all that you are...and all that you DO!!!

but please could you stop counting the yogurts...its really starting t o freak me out ;)

Monday, March 15, 2010

"Journey to Hope'

There is this conference in NYC this saturday...my doc invited me to go...dr judith rabner (author of "a starving madness") is the key note speaker, there are things that would be a benefit to me as well like body image class, some groups about why its so hard to recover...and why its so worth it...then there is lunch from 1-2 thats reason 1 i dont want to go...lunch with ED doc ='s scary as shit...reason 2 it costs 125 dollars (im broke ) both my mom and my doc said they would help with the fee...reason 3 i dont like to travel in any transportation system that I dont have control over...plane train..etc...cars or foot thats it for me...I should go...I really need to go...but once again I am letting fear rule my life...I need to deciede by 4 today if I am going...what should I do?? stay stuck and live in fear or go see one of my favorite authors speak?

I know the answer seems clear but not to me.

Its at the Light house conference center on 59th street...anyone know where that is ? any one want to go? i know some of you live in that area?

oh and no i didnt kill myself last night...but i did take too many of a certain barbibtiute and am no longer allowed to have it in my possesion... one more thing i am no longer in control of :(

oh yeah i am back to square 1 on my mp, not eating for 3 days and no water for 8 does that to you i guess...plus k is calling doc A...apparently 7 weeks is to long to go with out medical intervention...oh yeah and the H word is being tossed around like a beach ball...pissed off much yes...they will literally have to have me civiclly committed...i dont think they will go that route, but one can never be to sure :(

someone seriously stop the ride... i want to get off

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"the sadness cloud"

thats jennie shafers term for it...mines more of a tornado. I feel so ...bad...I am lost, im tired of fighting a battle i never seem to win...i am having serious thoughts of just ending it all now ( dont worry i emailed S) I m thinking about writting letters to my kids for them to open some day, of gifts I can buy them that will have special meaning for them to open on milestone birthdays, I am in so much pain.

I cry all the time...and last night well it happened in front of my kids...I just couldnt stop, I couldnt gain my composure, they are so angry with me for leaving thier dad...Alyssa said " I know he screamed at you all the time, and threw things at your head, broke plates and punched holes in the walls, but I still just want a family"...my heart broke...she wanted me to be okay with the abuse so she could have a mom and dad together...I know shes only 7 but it just about killed me and has made me second guess everything I have done over the last 4 months...Zack ( my angry child) tried to get me to laugh...he tried everything...doing funny impressions, acting silly and finally telling me he would go to therapy too...that made me smile....so he kept saying it over and over again...silly child.

I just want them to be happy.

Maybe if I wasnt here they could be...yes they would be sad but they would get over it eventually and then they wouldnt feel like they would have to pick a parent...the choice would have already been made, I know he loves them, its mean it treated like shit...I m crying again...my heart aches, its not fair no one should have to feel this bad all the time, god would want this...I go to bed praying he will take me in my sleep...so i can go to heaven and be with him (suicide a sin...and sends you to hell...at least thats what i believe...so if your thinking how can I get a hold of S, know I wont take any pills....I just want so badly to do it)

Im sorry for laying this all on you guys...but I said id be honost..this is me...warts and all

Thursday, March 11, 2010

lets get real!

Has anyone noticed that for a while all i have posted are silly pics f me and la famila ??? well if you did (3 points for you) and if you thought it bit strange that like i have nothing to say with all i have going on...( like divorce, an E.D, crazy living situation then you get 5 points) cause really i havent written anything of substance cause well i live in a world called D-E-N-I-A-L!!! its a fun place to be where you dont have to admitt anythings wrong.

guess what folks....im a con artist!!!

and a good one at that...oh i pull out bits and pieces like increased mp and doing okay with it....call it ....im a LIAR!!!!

Im not okay!!

my body is not happy (15 yrs of starving and purging) makes said body NOT happy!!

So here are the facts...i have remained out of hospital for 9 months and 6 days (sad how i count) not due to the fact that i am doing spectacular but to the fact that i plain out told my tx team i will leave tx if they try and force me into any hospital...so here i am...one day following mp (which although i whine about it, its really low like even for some obese person on a diet) and the next i ummmm dont i go back and forth and even when i do follow it i still lose wieght (cause like i said its a obese persond diet mp) hey they are trying to get me to just eat!

havent purged in 6 plus months..but does that count if your not really eating???

anyway im coming out of my river of denial (at least to you guys) and am sending out an SOS..im sinking. my labs are a mess like im waiting for a call from the good doc to tell me if more K and mag pills will fix me ( so my legs stop feeling like someone tied them in knots) or if its off to get a drip of that urning nasty shit they put in you so your heart doest give out.

the f-ing insurance company cut my visits with S to once a week...she wanted to keep appealing but i told her NO! why?? cause maybe i feel like quiting anyway so why have her go through the work...sigh...

okay so heres what i need...gentle loving ass kicks...on my bum but not to hard cause even my bum muscles hurt...

Tjis nuttiness needs to stop PRONTO!! Alyssa is 7...that means shes watched her mom starve (purge) herself into numbness for ummm 7 years...7 years to many...am i a good fod role modle ...NOOOOOOO....do i need to be....YEEEESSSSSS!!!

get out of the river tara....fight at least a little...and for goodness sake just be real.

okay i gotta go...cause sis is taking computer...but really like for real guys im asking for help...havent done that for a while so you could muster up any support you got (I know a lot of you are struggeling right now...but at least your honost abut it) so im joining the honesty club...sending out a signal...and asking for help...i know i have een a bad blogger friend ut i ll be etter i promise...and i promise to be honost...i swears

love you all

Tara (aka...LIAR)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I cant believe you are seven!!

You make me smile everyday...well almost ;)

I love you so much!!

heres to 93 more years...at least!!!

Love, mom

Monday, March 8, 2010

looks who addicted:)

my favorite drink with one of my favorite kids!!!

its the small things in life...that make me happy!

1 16oz bottle of coke zero and 1 24 pound 2.9 yr old!!!

smile guys...he could be drinking beer :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


This not my "suitable" picture...but I thought it was ....TELLING!

Is it really bad I think it makes me look fat? I dont care I posting it anyway

yeah so this is me being positive about an even BIGGER MP!!!

smile :)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

it has no other purpose then for laughs!!!

this is what we do when we are bored....we take pics...with my wedding vale that really only makes me smile on my baby...i tried to get Zack to let me take his pic...but ofcourse hes to manly ...maybe Alyssa will let me when she gets home,

Isnt he cute??

forgive my face...i havent been well and i had to take the picture myself cause Zack wouldnt and isaiah kept taking pictures of my stomach. believe me you dont want to see that! :)

have a great day!!!


I knew she'd want to and peer pressure changed his mind!!! yeah!!!