Wednesday, August 31, 2011

first day of school

Its been 11 yrs since I have had a first day of school, 11 the moment I am seemingly calm. I am hoping that I sleep tonight and dont wake up at 3 in anticipation of the day, I always wake up numerous times a night but usually I take an extra sleep med and am able to fall back to sleep but I wont do that if I wake tonight out of fear I wont wake up on time. I dont have to be there til 8 but I am waking at 6, and leaving at 7:15, its only 15 min away but I want to stop at Starbucks get my grande non fat latte and be early, I have this horrendous fear of being late.

So anyway, on my last post...I want to explain where all the ED thoughts came from and why they are unfortunately still childrens T Dr.B has been doing allot of research on how to help children with mood disorders who have not had much success with medication...Zack has been officially dx with "mood disorder w/bipolar traits" he has been on numerous medications, many he was allergic too, a few that there were no benefits from, and one that worked but caused him to gain 20 pounds in 4 months so he had to come off it, that was at the end of here we are of another new med with seemingly no benefits :( so she suggested a "mood" diet minimal sugar, no processes foods, no artificial sweeteners, hormone free, organic produce, no red or yellow dye, no fast food...just allot of NO'S, and that is just the tip of the iceberg she hasnt even got into ratio's yet, needless to say I have been hyper sensitive and completely anal about everyones food intake, what it is, whats in it, where its from, what nutrients are in it, I have been spending quite a bit of time grocery shopping, planning and preparing food, addition to the diet changes, she also suggested more structered exercise times, while she thinks that thier active play is wonderful and extremely beneficial to their health

Thursday, August 25, 2011


I am going to nursing school next week..yes i got in... I am moving on saturday first with my mom for three weeks then to a great house still hasnt sold((boo))..but on the outside things are seeming to be going better...seeming...horriable things with R took place last week or so..accusations ...denials...lies...deceptions...intoxicated mistakes...and although right now on the outside i appear to have it all together...i feel i might unravel...i feel as though i may never have someone love me, as though I will always be second, that i am not good enough...i will go to school and get a job and move...but im so freaking scared...i will push forward, but it would be a bold face lie if i said i wasnt dying to run back to my Ed..I in fact cant wait for school to start for the main reason...i will not have to nor be able to eat breakfast nor lunch and dinner will be with my mom and there will be no drinking and that as u well know makes you fat so yes i cant wait for school...for future and dreams...but i cant wait for the weight loss that will occur...i havent had the ability to hold to ED law due to my inability to stop the alcohol, but now...alcohol will be gone and finally i will be thin again...

I cant wait for school

I just cant wait