Sunday, February 27, 2011

Somethings changed

I dont know how are when it happened but somethings changed...I WANT more, more then the life with ED could give me, I am amazed by my own STRENGTH, its been nearly a yr, I have been ALMOST hospitalized several times...but almost is what I said, I have pulled myself out numerous times, this year I know everyone thought I would crumble and die within myself, that I wouldnt be able to carry on, shit I thought that I wouldnt be able to carry on, and allot of times I didnt want to, I wanted to take the easy way out, but I didnt and I think that I am so much stronger then I ever thought I could be, I fight for whats best for my kids, I am doing everything I need to do for them and I am doing it alone, ALONE, I am parenting better then I ever have before, dealing with issues I never dreamed that I would have to deal with...but Im doing it, I Am doing it, me, by myself, something I never thought I could do. Oh dont get me wrong ED is still there, but Im ignoring it, Today for example it was time for breakfast and I wasnt hungry any other time I would have just waited til I got so hungry I couldnt stand it then say it had been to long so I couldnt eat even though I wanted to, BUT today I ate cause it was time to, I still cant stand my body but I am not focusing on it ALL day...I look, I pinch, I think well "just a little..." then I think nope, feeling this way, not living in constant fear and chaos is worth a little extra around my middle, so what Im not the thinnest, Im definatly not the fattest either, and you know what, Im okay, and every day I will become more okay with who I am, who I am changing to, and eventually who I will be...I have realized that changing into someone who is not sick is OKAY! For the first time in maybe 16 years I dont want to be the sick one, I want people to have faith in me, to respect me for my strength, my courage and my abilitys of which I have many but have always denied...something has changed, and I like it, I like who I am becoming and cant wait to find out who I will become tomorrow and 20 years from now.

Somethings changed and you know what I do believe I like it...yup I do!!!



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I have an anouncement!!!


I am going to AUSTRAILIA!!!


TO visit my baby girl BELLA

I cant wait

Im checking out flights now


the clincher

we have agreed unless we are both healthy it wont happen....

I have never been more motivated in my life....

yes my kids


for me

I never have had it

and now

I do

I cant freaking believe it

my mom is going to watch the kids, I am looking at flights, Im going to see my girl and we are both going to be healthy, I have never ( except the birth of my children) wanted anything more....can you believe this...

Im going to fly 22 hours ALONE....but Im not even scared...cause the what ME wants is so much greater then what the illnesses want...

Thats right folks..Im going to Australia!!!!

love you all

with love and extreme excitement


Monday, February 21, 2011

So excited!!!

ITS EDAW!!! and Im so excited cause I just DECIEDED that Im going to be 100% healthy no later then october because I am going on a very special trip!!! what a great week to really dig into recovery!!!!

Im starting by going back to journaling ....following mp, making purging a non option, nixing the drinking, and just generally trying to love me for me!!!

It might sound like a lot but I will go slow, I just have recently seen the bigger picture and for the first time in a while really want to be here to live my life....Bella...7 months((hugs))

what are you guys doing for EDAW???

love love

Friday, February 18, 2011


being in love...

feeling love...

and giving love...

they are different...

so really, someone tell me

the top 2, whats the difference

and lust

where does that fall into play

really I need to know cause I so


love, Me

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Im not pregnant, didnt know that was a worry of mine, well it totally was, we have slept together like 15 or 16 time since the last 2.7 weeks and I was late ( as usual) as was panicking I was pregnant, can you imagine, I cant, totally, I just I mean Im really fertile even though I am NEVER regular, and he apparently has super sperm so the thought of haveing a child not married, having an affair and dealing with all those repercussions was and is not something I want to deal with...I mean we are protecting ourselves but still shit happens and I dont believe in abortion, he knows that, can you imagine that happening, omg I would die..Im drunk, but just wanted to say, thank the good lord Im not with child, for numerous reasons! 1) Im not pregnant 2) I couldnt be drunk if I were 3)I dont have to deal with all the horriableness if I were pregnant and 4) I dont have to get a fatter cause IM NOT pregnant!!!!!!!

okay Im having another drink to celerbrate...what you gonna do??

Love you all


Monday, February 14, 2011

valentines days

I would like to write a post about how spectacular I am doing and if I wrote this 4 days ago I could have, i have could have told you I went a week following my mp and not purging, that I was okay with the affair i am having, that I wasnt depressed, or anxious, or suicidal, but that didnt last long and I am a mess again, Im sure you expected this, wish I did....wish I knew what to expect from myself ...wish I knew what I could handle, what I cant, why I dont know my own limits, Im not sure, but I do know that THIS, THIS is not working for me...I thought I could hanle this but i cant, I kiss him and long for more, he holds me and I believe it will last forever, its valentines day and I remember the past, love that is real, that lasts that holds true despite the pain and anguish, its a cold hard reminder that this is my life, one of falicities, and untruths, my husband eho knew my every waking thought is gone and I am left with someone who can not give me his all, who does not not my secrects and is not him, I ache on this day, my insides hurt to the point of burning and still I long for stolen moments to pretend, to pretend that i am whole, that I am acknowledge I am a sexual being and have needs is one thing but to pretend they are being fulfilled is something completely, a different form of denial...I accept what is given to me because I dont think I deserve or cant fathom actually having something real, but Im here, living in some crazy world where what is real or so seems to be is not and I am in that world, and fuck, it bloody hurts


Monday, February 7, 2011

It was a good thing???

really?? Friday S and I were deep in conversation, trying to figure out how I was going to keep myself out of the hospital...I kinda looked at her in complete distress, and was like "Im not going, so I need to figure this out."

Okay she said then lets do it!

and we talked, sometimes I wanted to cover my ears and close my eyes because it was just so hard ( sometimes I did), but then she finally asked the question that made me cringe "Did you feel anything, are you feeling anything??"

after what seemed like hours, I closed my eyes and whispered "yes"

she started clapping, no joke, clapping, bet you are wondering why??

Cause I FELT something, I wasnt completely dead inside, I wasnt so numb that I couldnt feel, did it feel good and horriable at the same time, yes, but I was feeling it...

let me back track.

Last Sunday I took all the meds S had given me for the week, my mom took my kids cause I hadnt slept in days, and I swear I just wanted to sleep, but if I am honost I have to admitt that a part of me hoped that those pills would do more then put me to sleep. I take 5 medications 3 of which are taken 2xs a day, it was about 70 pills ( I took throughout the day, not all at once) S wanted me to in the hospital, we spoke on the phone and I was about 5 mins and 1 breakdown away from having the crazy police called on my tuesday I was convinced I would end up in the hospital, I had a major breakdown fearing for my kids, that I was caught between a rock and a hard place, I needed the hospital, my anxiety was so out of control, I wasnt sleeping or eating, peeing was overwhelming, and honostly I wasnt the best person to be taking care of my kids, I clearly couldnt take care of myself let alone them, my mom was over allot over those 5 days, but couldnt be there full time if I went to the hospital, so I really really needed to get my act together or really what I needed was a miracle, I decieded to eat dinner last tuesday night because I was so anxious, so distraught and fearful and I knew that I was only making everything worse by not eating, I sat down and ate that frozen dinner, I didnt feel any better, but no worse so I did it the next day only I started my meal time at noon instead of 7 at night and I ate 3 times that day...and have since last wenesday, Last Friday I was still in a really bad spot...the difference was I was taking action and responsibility for myself, if I ended up in the hospital it wasnt going to be because I was refusing to eat therefore making my meds not work and everything else just a plain mess...I acted and still acting and it feels good.

anyway, so while we were talking and I realized that what might have set me off was not just sleeping with R, but perhaps the fact that the guilt I felt for actually enjoying it ( at least in the moment) I have for as long as I can remember denied any need for anything, I didnt need physical contact, or touch or love, I didnt need food, or new clothes, or anything, i didnt have the same needs that everyone else had ( except I did, I just wouldnt admitt it, I tried to supress it all and deny myself of any type of needs or wants, but when I slept with R, and enjoyed it ( which is apparently what normal people do when they have sex:))I was OVERWHELMED with tons of supressed emotions, that I hadnt felt in years, it was so overwhelming that I felt like I was dying, but guess what?? I didnt die, I m still here, and working harder at trying to name the emotion and then have an appropriate reaction to that emotion ( still really early on in the process but I am trying).

Im okay, and thinking S is right, It might not have been the right thing, but it was definately a good thing...

feelings good or bad are meant to be felt, Im slowly learning its okay to feel something good, and that when I do feel something good, I dont have to feel bad about it.

Amen to realizations

Love, Tara

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Im so depressed, I cant breath, I cant move, Im desperate to just disappear, I dont want to live anymore, its not worth the pain, I lost my love, he hurt me so much and I dont know how to live without heartache, so I have allowed myself to create new heartache, new pain, Im jealous and sad , I feel manipulated, stolen moments of comfort are not worth this pain, waiting for the moments I feel cared for and the pain Im creating, hes probably, done this before, Im sure he tells me all lies, he will never leave her and I really dont want him to, I just want something, I cant figure what it is, why cant I find real love, one that doesnt hurt, its me, Im so not worth care, I have yet again proved my worth is of no value, I just want the hurt to go away, it never will, I feel destined to live in this limbo...of living but wanting to die, please dear god take me in my sleep, Im so not okay, I cant even describe how much this has screwed me up, and I was already fucked up,Im not sure how I will do this, I just want to leave this world, "I have such strong feelings for you, your eyes are so beautiful, I want you, Im going to leave her..."lies I should have never believed...and now I am broken hearted again...Im so broken

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I deserve death

see previous post as to why

slut pretty much sums my sorry ass off

If I were her and I found out I would be pissed

but she will kill me...she s big and WILL cause me harm


I am in Hell

Physical and emotional Hell...This man makes me feel something, something I havent in a long time, some need is being filled, cared for maybe, its wrong, very wrong, but I am drawn to the attention and nuturing and physical touch...and he helps me with my kids, but its still wrong and its so hard.

but its taking its toll I have slept 7 hours since thursday, and yesterdayI was the first day was able to eat since thursday night...

Im a mess and need to fix this, I feel like such a slut for this but... I really just crave the touch.

Im so sorry I have let you all down

this is not who I am