Sunday, February 27, 2011

Somethings changed

I dont know how are when it happened but somethings changed...I WANT more, more then the life with ED could give me, I am amazed by my own STRENGTH, its been nearly a yr, I have been ALMOST hospitalized several times...but almost is what I said, I have pulled myself out numerous times, this year I know everyone thought I would crumble and die within myself, that I wouldnt be able to carry on, shit I thought that I wouldnt be able to carry on, and allot of times I didnt want to, I wanted to take the easy way out, but I didnt and I think that I am so much stronger then I ever thought I could be, I fight for whats best for my kids, I am doing everything I need to do for them and I am doing it alone, ALONE, I am parenting better then I ever have before, dealing with issues I never dreamed that I would have to deal with...but Im doing it, I Am doing it, me, by myself, something I never thought I could do. Oh dont get me wrong ED is still there, but Im ignoring it, Today for example it was time for breakfast and I wasnt hungry any other time I would have just waited til I got so hungry I couldnt stand it then say it had been to long so I couldnt eat even though I wanted to, BUT today I ate cause it was time to, I still cant stand my body but I am not focusing on it ALL day...I look, I pinch, I think well "just a little..." then I think nope, feeling this way, not living in constant fear and chaos is worth a little extra around my middle, so what Im not the thinnest, Im definatly not the fattest either, and you know what, Im okay, and every day I will become more okay with who I am, who I am changing to, and eventually who I will be...I have realized that changing into someone who is not sick is OKAY! For the first time in maybe 16 years I dont want to be the sick one, I want people to have faith in me, to respect me for my strength, my courage and my abilitys of which I have many but have always denied...something has changed, and I like it, I like who I am becoming and cant wait to find out who I will become tomorrow and 20 years from now.

Somethings changed and you know what I do believe I like it...yup I do!!!

Love,

Tara

5 comments:

Angela E. Lackey said...

I know you can do it! I believe and have faith in you!!!

Thank you so much for all your kind words. You are a beautiful and wonderful and you will have a life without your eating disorder. You will have a joyful and beautiful life, we both will. We can do it!!!

*Hugs*
Anela

battleinmind said...

You have so much STRENGTH. It's an inspiration.

belinda said...

i know today, things seem to have unravelled a bit BUT
re-read your words. this is YOUR truth. i know you can do this.
today is shitty, it will pass. shitty days always do. good days stay with you (like the day that is coming where YOU get to pat a kangaroo with ME!!)

big love to you darlin girl. x

Angela said...

This is wonderful to read! I bet it feels so awesome to be so self sufficiant and successful at doing things on your own. Way to go:)

zubeldia said...

It's really wonderful to read this, Tara. xx