Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Im so depressed, I cant breath, I cant move, Im desperate to just disappear, I dont want to live anymore, its not worth the pain, I lost my love, he hurt me so much and I dont know how to live without heartache, so I have allowed myself to create new heartache, new pain, Im jealous and sad , I feel manipulated, stolen moments of comfort are not worth this pain, waiting for the moments I feel cared for and the pain Im creating, hes probably, done this before, Im sure he tells me all lies, he will never leave her and I really dont want him to, I just want something, I cant figure what it is, why cant I find real love, one that doesnt hurt, its me, Im so not worth care, I have yet again proved my worth is of no value, I just want the hurt to go away, it never will, I feel destined to live in this limbo...of living but wanting to die, please dear god take me in my sleep, Im so not okay, I cant even describe how much this has screwed me up, and I was already fucked up,Im not sure how I will do this, I just want to leave this world, "I have such strong feelings for you, your eyes are so beautiful, I want you, Im going to leave her..."lies I should have never believed...and now I am broken hearted again...Im so broken


lisalisa said...

I am so worried about you...can you call S and get in to talk to her? I read your last post; you DO NOT deserve death, you deserve a life full of love and joy and a man who is honest and good and would fight the world for you and you will find one someday I know it!
This guy is in the wrong, not you. He is taking advantage of you as you are having a very difficult time and need some comfort...shame on him!

Praying for you!


Zena said...

I spoke with S...

when people who live so far away take time to reach out, lives r changed..I have done something, I regret, many things, but i am not the only one who has made mistakes...I will be okay, somehow I will manage...I always do

love you all

belinda said...

We all fuck up royally at some stage in our lives, no shame, judgements or punishment required hon. it's how we learn. think of being a kid.. making mistakes all the time, getting in trouble but knowing not to do it again. it's all part of the human condition. shame it has to hurt so much in the process :(

i'm with Lisa, can you call S again?


Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I have been praying for you since we talked. I hope you followed S's advice and did nice things for you!

Remember, you deserve life and happiness. We all make mistakes, I told you about mine. I think sometimes God is way more forgiving of out mistakes than we are. But remember, God know best and He has already forgiven you!


lisalisa said...

you are right, you are definately not the only one who has made mistakes. Oh my goodness I have made so many I cant even count!!!!! Especially in the guy department. More than a few drunken hookups in my past *shivers*. Even though that stuff was over ten years ago I still have guilt about it and sometimes it comes up in therapy. But self-forgiveness does happen, it just takes time. In the meantime, try to be good to yourself and trust those who know and love you!

belinda said...

ditto Lisa. x