really?? Friday S and I were deep in conversation, trying to figure out how I was going to keep myself out of the hospital...I kinda looked at her in complete distress, and was like "Im not going, so I need to figure this out."
Okay she said then lets do it!
and we talked, sometimes I wanted to cover my ears and close my eyes because it was just so hard ( sometimes I did), but then she finally asked the question that made me cringe "Did you feel anything, are you feeling anything??"
after what seemed like hours, I closed my eyes and whispered "yes"
she started clapping, no joke, clapping, bet you are wondering why??
Cause I FELT something, I wasnt completely dead inside, I wasnt so numb that I couldnt feel, did it feel good and horriable at the same time, yes, but I was feeling it...
let me back track.
Last Sunday I took all the meds S had given me for the week, my mom took my kids cause I hadnt slept in days, and I swear I just wanted to sleep, but if I am honost I have to admitt that a part of me hoped that those pills would do more then put me to sleep. I take 5 medications 3 of which are taken 2xs a day, it was about 70 pills ( I took throughout the day, not all at once) S wanted me to in the hospital, we spoke on the phone and I was about 5 mins and 1 breakdown away from having the crazy police called on my ass...by tuesday I was convinced I would end up in the hospital, I had a major breakdown fearing for my kids, that I was caught between a rock and a hard place, I needed the hospital, my anxiety was so out of control, I wasnt sleeping or eating, peeing was overwhelming, and honostly I wasnt the best person to be taking care of my kids, I clearly couldnt take care of myself let alone them, my mom was over allot over those 5 days, but couldnt be there full time if I went to the hospital, so I really really needed to get my act together or really what I needed was a miracle, I decieded to eat dinner last tuesday night because I was so anxious, so distraught and fearful and I knew that I was only making everything worse by not eating, I sat down and ate that frozen dinner, I didnt feel any better, but no worse so I did it the next day only I started my meal time at noon instead of 7 at night and I ate 3 times that day...and have since last wenesday, Last Friday I was still in a really bad spot...the difference was I was taking action and responsibility for myself, if I ended up in the hospital it wasnt going to be because I was refusing to eat therefore making my meds not work and everything else just a plain mess...I acted and still acting and it feels good.
anyway, so while we were talking and I realized that what might have set me off was not just sleeping with R, but perhaps the fact that the guilt I felt for actually enjoying it ( at least in the moment) I have for as long as I can remember denied any need for anything, I didnt need physical contact, or touch or love, I didnt need food, or new clothes, or anything, i didnt have the same needs that everyone else had ( except I did, I just wouldnt admitt it, I tried to supress it all and deny myself of any type of needs or wants, but when I slept with R, and enjoyed it ( which is apparently what normal people do when they have sex:))I was OVERWHELMED with tons of supressed emotions, that I hadnt felt in years, it was so overwhelming that I felt like I was dying, but guess what?? I didnt die, I m still here, and working harder at trying to name the emotion and then have an appropriate reaction to that emotion ( still really early on in the process but I am trying).
Im okay, and thinking S is right, It might not have been the right thing, but it was definately a good thing...
feelings good or bad are meant to be felt, Im slowly learning its okay to feel something good, and that when I do feel something good, I dont have to feel bad about it.
Amen to realizations