Monday, February 7, 2011

It was a good thing???

really?? Friday S and I were deep in conversation, trying to figure out how I was going to keep myself out of the hospital...I kinda looked at her in complete distress, and was like "Im not going, so I need to figure this out."

Okay she said then lets do it!

and we talked, sometimes I wanted to cover my ears and close my eyes because it was just so hard ( sometimes I did), but then she finally asked the question that made me cringe "Did you feel anything, are you feeling anything??"

after what seemed like hours, I closed my eyes and whispered "yes"

she started clapping, no joke, clapping, bet you are wondering why??

Cause I FELT something, I wasnt completely dead inside, I wasnt so numb that I couldnt feel, did it feel good and horriable at the same time, yes, but I was feeling it...

let me back track.

Last Sunday I took all the meds S had given me for the week, my mom took my kids cause I hadnt slept in days, and I swear I just wanted to sleep, but if I am honost I have to admitt that a part of me hoped that those pills would do more then put me to sleep. I take 5 medications 3 of which are taken 2xs a day, it was about 70 pills ( I took throughout the day, not all at once) S wanted me to in the hospital, we spoke on the phone and I was about 5 mins and 1 breakdown away from having the crazy police called on my tuesday I was convinced I would end up in the hospital, I had a major breakdown fearing for my kids, that I was caught between a rock and a hard place, I needed the hospital, my anxiety was so out of control, I wasnt sleeping or eating, peeing was overwhelming, and honostly I wasnt the best person to be taking care of my kids, I clearly couldnt take care of myself let alone them, my mom was over allot over those 5 days, but couldnt be there full time if I went to the hospital, so I really really needed to get my act together or really what I needed was a miracle, I decieded to eat dinner last tuesday night because I was so anxious, so distraught and fearful and I knew that I was only making everything worse by not eating, I sat down and ate that frozen dinner, I didnt feel any better, but no worse so I did it the next day only I started my meal time at noon instead of 7 at night and I ate 3 times that day...and have since last wenesday, Last Friday I was still in a really bad spot...the difference was I was taking action and responsibility for myself, if I ended up in the hospital it wasnt going to be because I was refusing to eat therefore making my meds not work and everything else just a plain mess...I acted and still acting and it feels good.

anyway, so while we were talking and I realized that what might have set me off was not just sleeping with R, but perhaps the fact that the guilt I felt for actually enjoying it ( at least in the moment) I have for as long as I can remember denied any need for anything, I didnt need physical contact, or touch or love, I didnt need food, or new clothes, or anything, i didnt have the same needs that everyone else had ( except I did, I just wouldnt admitt it, I tried to supress it all and deny myself of any type of needs or wants, but when I slept with R, and enjoyed it ( which is apparently what normal people do when they have sex:))I was OVERWHELMED with tons of supressed emotions, that I hadnt felt in years, it was so overwhelming that I felt like I was dying, but guess what?? I didnt die, I m still here, and working harder at trying to name the emotion and then have an appropriate reaction to that emotion ( still really early on in the process but I am trying).

Im okay, and thinking S is right, It might not have been the right thing, but it was definately a good thing...

feelings good or bad are meant to be felt, Im slowly learning its okay to feel something good, and that when I do feel something good, I dont have to feel bad about it.

Amen to realizations

Love, Tara


belinda said...

love you so much Xx

jadedchalice said...

cant tell you how proud i am of you.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

you so deserve it.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I'm so happy to see you are realizing you are a person who deserve to feel good and have good things in your life. You deserve to be happy, and I know that someday you will find lasting happiness as you grow and recover!



flaweddesign said...

good job for you!! the goal is definitely, minimally to stay out of hospital and also to nourish yourself the best you can. i know how daunting that is when your mind is telling you otherwise all the time. you can do it tho. i belive in you.

i've made my blog private but would love to invite you to follow. i really appreciate your comments. if you could email me your email addy at or message it to me on FB (i'm Julia Panchuk with a little cartoon thing for my profile pic) that'd be great.

belinda said...

come back soon :(