Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Letter to dad

I am unsureof how to start this letter and I am unsure of where it will take me. I dont want to come off as self rightous or accusatory , but there are many issues left unresolved between us at least for me.

I want to start off by saying that by you becoming a pastor has absolutely flabbergasted me and thrown me for one hell of a loop. I mean you never lived your life in the way that a man of god should live. You have been married and divorced three times. You have had affairs and have pretty much abandoned your own children during their formative years and you have never once apologized or even acknwledged that you were not a father let alone any type of standard parent.

I was taught ( not by you ) that being a man aof god mans many things, none of which you seem to exemplify. You are to be truthful, something you have struggeled with your entire life and at this point you seem to live in a fantasy world you have yet to be truthful with your self let alone your own children. you say wordsa nd then back them up with no action, and from where I am standing you have been like this your entire life.

I have asked you questions that I have known the answer to and you would out right lie to my face. I am unsure if it is a case of you telling the lies for so long that you actually believe them or that you are so oblivious to te hfact that you were never there for me. I am left to wonder what it is you actually believe. what you think and what your true values are.

YOu have shown that truth is not one of your values through your numerous lies.

Adultery is something you practiclly have a degree in, even up until a few years ago you were commiting Adultery...you were dateing a married women, maybe you still are I have no idea cause you are so untruthful.

As a child you ruled us through your fist and through fear, not through love and understanding. You threatened , lied and manipulated me throughtout my entire childhood.

You did everything in your power to make me feel sorry for you, to make me feel that you were the vicyim, but the truth is I am and if I allow myself to be I will continue to be your victim.

I have for my entire life craved the attention tha a father would naturally give to thier daughter but for some reason that never came easily to you. You always said the words " I LOVE YOU" but never acted as so. It has come to the point where I have accepted the fact that you will never be the father that I need, want or deserved but yet I still feel manipulated by you, you tease me with your words and empty promises. Words I want to believ, words I need and crave to believe, but I would only believe them if I were a fool, so I feel so foolish because I still continue to believe your false truths.

I see you for who you really are...a man. A man who threatened his children with fists and bricks. A man who didnt love his children enoughto be part of thier lives growing up. A man who committed adultery, more then once let alone it was with the partors daughter but that is besides the point. or maybe that is the point How can you claim to be a man of god when you have yet to ask for forgiveness for all your sins you have commited.maybe God has forgiven you but you have never apoligized to me you have righted no wrongs, you still continue to manipulate my thoughts and believes. But I will no longer play apart in the self destruction that your thoughts and words play upon me. I have been a fool inthe past but now I am standing up for myself...you dont love me you love you. I am okay with that but please dont try to fool me into thinking you are a man of god, perhaps if you said you had repented for all that you have done that you were eternally sorry for what you have done but you havent done taht you have played the mayter. You pretend taht all your life you have acted as a man of god and that my dear father is teh fartherest thing from the truth.

Love, Zena

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Boy lately my posts sure have been a bummer and I fear this one will be no less of a downer. Just finished feeding the little man his oatmeal and the thought ran trough my head " you should be having some too" but Im not Im to anxious to eat and I M and I are fighting which isnt helping matters and he told me to move out and I said no and thats where it was left and I keep thinking well at least I still have my ED.

I miss my old An body and how clean it used to feel now I feel the flesh growing all over me and it completely unnerves me...I keep staring at old AN pics and keep thinking how easy it would be to go back there that s what I want I want my old body back I dont fit in this one very well...I have no clothes that fit just old AN clothes hidden in my drawers and when I think of It (them) my anxiety sky rockets and I can barely breath.

I feel like I am suffacating.

drowning in my own flesh and its really a repulsive feeling, really very repulsive I just wish days could go by without food...I want to slip back into my own little world of nothingness and bones. i am not happy I am very unhappy.

when will I finally be happy??

I cant seem to answer that question.

there is so much going on with the kids in school and I feel so overwhelmed...I am the helping parent on monday for Z mans preschool and I feel like tehy will all be thinking how fat she is..thats the mother what a cow, i felt that way on friday at the field trip, and ofcourse since I have no clothes that fit me I have to wear the same thing and then I will be judged for that...gosh I cant stand it I cant stand having to be in this world like this, i am so miserable...miserable just fucking miserable.

A is sick asd had me up much of the night...she was vomiting and coughing and just felt generally aweful and of course it made me feel aweful and of course I didnt get enough sleep and for that I am miserable . I hope it doesnt rain again today. that was random, but its been raining buckets here for days and frankly its getting a little old...I guess there was a hurricane somewhere and we are ..were getting the remnents.

oh hell

i am so pissed at M I could scream ...he is accusing be of having a boyfriend. ha . like I would ever let another human being look at my body is positivly obsurd..luticrous. simply insane. Hes generally nuts but has been getting nuttier and nuttier I really dont know when he think I would have the time or the desire to be with some one else its really just quite insane.

All of this shit combined is driving me bonkers..I guess maybe Iam going nuts too


Thursday, September 25, 2008

well it happened

wow I had a rough session with S on tuesday and I sobbed my way through, recovery is hard harder then I thought. I recieved an email back from my dad and I will post it later but it was hard and completly invalidating and sadening. he called my mother crazy...sortof in a round about way...he said I just need to get my mind well..implying that I wouldnt have these crazy thoughts if i were well. Its all so sad and I have been crying allot.

i only see S once this week as I am going on a field trip with the Z man and I told S I was glad I wouldnt be seeing her twice as I wasnt sure I could really handle it. Good news is I now have four sessions where we didnt talk about behaviors...just the hard core issues. I am so sad. I am grieving the loss of a father I never had...its really very sad, I am sad and it hurts.

I dont know how to do this how to carry on with this man who is absolutely not what I need nor want from a father, yet this is who I have as my dad and i kind a just need to ajust. It aches in me and It scares me cause I know I am not done dealing with all the crap that there is to deal with, he needs to come to a session with S but I think I will be hard pressed to get him to come although he had agreed to it when I was in Remuda.

Thats another thing thats so ironic In Remuda he was the only one who had all these wrongs that I have done to him that I didnt apoligize for...I apoligized for allot and I thought itwas all covered but he brought up all this stuff like me not CALLING him when I was 15 or 22 or whatever age I was durning the times he NEVER bothered to call me...part of me just wants to give up the whole relationship...its just all so sad maybe though that would be taking the cowards way out

maybe just maybe I really need to start to use my little voice something I kinda did with the emails ( I sent him 2) as I didnt get a response after the first one oh well he sucks and I cant stop the tears

okay okay so you want to know about the food

well its going okay and just okay...a purge here or there nothing major and a missed mea or 2 but I always make up for it but today I feel sick the kinda sick thats just anxiety that leads to restricting and I dont know but I feel like I am going with it, Im just so sad I need a lift, like know ing that Ed is still there




Saturday, September 20, 2008


well geez i dont know where to begin, i feel stuck, frozen in a sense, i feel like I amabout to cry and yet the tears wont come .I amjust on the verge, constantly on the verge of tears

I have stayed busy so far this morning and cleaned my house, and dressed the kiddies and we are takingthem to a fun park this afternoon but alas i am numb and havent showered or eaten anything but coffee yet today and it is after 11 so i have missed breakfast and it feels good. It makes me not want tocry so badly this numbing out without food it feels good. And it shouldnt. It cant or else I will relaspe and that is something I dont want, I cant do it yet I dream about it. About being thin again...i stare at the picture I have of me where i am emacitaed and I like it doest seem scary at all it seems good and therefore I feel like crying cause I am so fat know especially compared to what I used to be...I feel likecrying wherever I have to get dressed...I have been wearing the same pants for the last 2 weeks they are going to wear out and then I will be left with no pants and I will not buy any more cause I am to fat and I am disgusted y my self and it all makes me so sad.

Why cant I just be normal, why does recovery have to hurt so bad??

I can see myself slowly relasping ...slowly as so that no one notices and its what I want...but I dont and I feel so shitty for even thinking it...

It all sucks so much and I just need to cry it out and I cant seem to... and there is the crap with my dad and boy is it crap...he sent me junk email instead of a response to the one I wrote him and it leaves me to wonder did he get it/ Is he ignoring it? what ? what is goiing on? And that fustrates me even more and leads to the feelings of tears that elude me


I really feel like this all may not be worth it


Monday, September 15, 2008

I would like to say FORGET RECOVERY

but i cant things are going to well

But I hate my body

maybe if I just lose a little wieght, just a little.

I cant stand my body did I say I CANT STAND MY BODY!!!!!!!!

I keep trying to figure out how to coexist in a body that isnt mine, this isnt me its way to fat, and this is not a distortion, i have gained well and beyond what was needed to be healthy and it doesnt seem to be stopping, WTF. How does it happen that one goes from being to thin to to fat, like that.WTF again.

okay why do I not want to forego recovery in hopes to achieve the perfect and I say perfect like that cause it never is perfect and everyone knows it.

1) cause my kids are 1st in my life now and I think they like it better that way

2) cause I can eat at a wedding and NOT freak out

3) cause no one stares and says " what does she have cancer"

4) cause me and M arent fighting over food

5) cause I can eat pizza at chuck e cheeses withteh kids

6) cause I can talk about real issues with S instead of just how fat I am

7) cause my team actually wants to see me and I get to tell them good news instead of being told I need to be in hospital

8) cause no one spends thier days worrying if I will die durning it

9) cause I actually remember playing with my kids instead of counting calories while they play

10) cause I actually have a list of why Recovery rocks

why does Ed suck

Cause he steals those other 9 things away from me

okay okay so recovery Rocks and Ed sucks but I am still fat


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Fat Cow

thats what I am a fat fucking cow!!!!!!!

I have a wedding to go to in 1 hour and I am feeling like a big ass fucking cow.

My dress is

trigger alert

a size 6

yep and I can barely zip it

fucking refeeding

fucking food

fucking body the betrayer


I cant go to this wedding

Im going to cry, I can feel it

my new mantra is suppossed to be " A BIGGER SIZE IS WORTH IT IF i DONT LIVE IN CHAOS" Well S I dont think so



Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Motherhood and seasons

Why do I like to be a mom? thats a good question and I have an answer and its not the crying before school or the sick kids or the thousands of dirty diapers I have changed, but its the simple things like playing with a babys belly til they cant laugh anymore, its watching your child learn and grow into a little person...its so many things that I love about being a mom...

watching them learn how to talk...its pretty cool til they learn to say NO! lol...no really though I think being a mom has changed me for the better and now that i am not living withEd as my best friend I am able to be a real mom again. I am enjoying the small things. I am enjoying the nice weather and all the memories it brings back, I mean my childhood didnt suck all the time there were some fun times like trick or treating and breathing in the cool fall air...dressing up as little red riding hood and loving every moment. Cuddeling on the couch with my mom and reading or just being.

Yes its those simple things that make being a mom worth it.

So I am thinking and have been for some time now about what makes a good mom. And I have come to the conclusion that I really need to stick up for my child. A specificlly. I need to write that letter or email or whatever to my dad. I need to protect A. there are times and places for alldifferent relationships in ones life and now is a time for me to focus on being a mom! Not a daughter. especially not a daughter to a man who was never really a father to begin with...perhaps this is not the season to be a daughter, at least not to him.

I am torn though and I am tring to figure out why, like what am I so afraid of, what can the man do to me that he has not already done. He has already abused me, he has already abandoned me, he already has made me feel unconfortable so why am I so afriad to put him in a position that he might have to defend himself, what dont I want him to feel??

And the bigger 4 million dollar question...Is Isnt A worth making this man feel...uncomfortable. well you bet she is. She is worth more then that man could ever be or is.

Motherhood is funny like that ...you have to put your kids needs ahead of all else...so I am goign to send that email.

anyway...the baby is laying on the floor and being so cute watching dora and babbleing ( still not talking yet) but thats okay cause it means he gets to be a baby just a little while longer...awwwww he is so cute.

The kids are in school with thier little back backs just filling thier little brains full of knowledge and all sorts of interesting information, its a great process to watch really it is.

Then thier Is the Z man who apparently despite is wretched behavior at home is an absolute angel in school , go figure we thought he would be a problem child at school but he has once again proved us wrong, kids do that they prove you wrong all the time..and its great.

It smells like fall outside. It s cool and breezy and sunny and its simply beautiful out...I love this time of year...I think I will take the kiddies to teh park this afternoon.

Happy almost fall everyone.

Love, Zena

Friday, September 5, 2008

Dad part 2

I need to talk to my dad

I m scared

I dont know how to do it

its eating me and M apart that he grabbed her butt and tried to kiss her and I dont know how to do it.

I m scared

really fucking scared

sick to my stomach scared

why cant I just open my mouth and use my voice??

its really pissing M off! He wants to be the one to say something, he says its his daughter and it s eating him alive inside he cant sleep at night cause he s afraid that A wont know if something happened to her or not that she wont know what is a good touch and what is a bad touch...That she will suffer the same fate as I, that she she too will be damaged goods.


this is aweful

bloody fucking aweful

I need some balls anyone want to lend me theirs??


I dont know what to do or how to do it..I am thinking of emailing him..of being gentle and kind and just saying the following:

Dear Dad,

I dont know how to go about saying this because I am sure you didnt mean anything by it but we are teaching our daughter that no one is allowed to touch her in her private areas and A mentioned that that she wanted to know why grandpa did. She said that you grabbed her butt and that it made her feel uncomfortable. Now I am sure you had purely innocent intentions but its really not an appropriate way to touch her. She is young and impressionable and we dont want her to think that its okay for anyone to touch her except mommy or daddy and only when we are washing her.

I dont want you to think that I am angry because I am nothing of the sort but A was made unfortable and I know that is something that none of us want. So just try to be more aware of where you touch her, a hug and a kiss on the cheek is more then acceptable and A would know that is a "good" touch.

Love, Z

what do you guys think?? am I being to easy ?? should I be more firm?? I am really afraid of hurting his feelings and him not wanting to speak with me again, ofcousre A is way more important then any relationship I could or would ever have with him but there is this part of me that still feels like a child in his presence... am i taking the cowards way out?

I am i know it

but I dont know what else to do

i just cant confront him in person I will shrivel up and die for that I am sure

Love, Zena

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


I am feeling bad really bad. The kind of sad that hurts in my stomach.I went to a funeral today for my fathers uncle and yes it was sad, but thats not it, seeing my father and watching like an outsider how he touches me is well just plain creepy. He rubs and and fondels me liek I am his girlfriend and I found the whole thing very sad...i started to disconnect from it all and my sister commented on how sad I looked "everyone Notices " she said

we attended a party together on saturday and I guess after I left some people were talking about my eyes, yes shes sick ...you can tell they said in her eyes. and they are all right I feel so sad.

anyway back to the funeral

my dad flaunted us ( mysister and myself) like we were some prize to be won...he continually grabbed my hand and told me how much he loved me and well it was just to much, I feel overwhelmed with distain for myself. I am left to wonder "does he not know how inappropriate he is?" and "did he act like this to me my childhood years??"

know wonder I am left with a feeling of mistrust and fear...he touches me and it makes me feel sick...why cant I remember??

M thinks I am crazy and how could I not remember, but I honestly dont, I dont remember.

then there are my aunts who act as if there hasnt been a disconnect between us for the last 20 years, like they were actually a part of my life and I should feel some love toward them, and it leaves me sad, sad for the relationship (s) that I never had that I lost somewhere along the way, down tha road that isnt traveled or talked about for that matter...when my father left my mother his whole family left me ( and my sisters ) behind, like we didnt matter...I have struggeled my whole life with the concept tha I dont matter, like my needs are to much and now I think I know where I get it from.

i was sent very clear messages as a child and all while I was growing up that I wasnt good enough that I didnt measure up, I was a girl and I was inferior somehow.

it was the silent messages that hurt the most, like getting the xmas present from my grandmother even though we were the only girls we would get 5 dollar dolls while the boys would get huge extravagent gifts, and I was never ungrateful but I realize now how short my end ofthe stick really was and it makes me feel so sad, sad for what I never had, sad for that little girl who feels so alone in that room full of people...people who now thatI am a grown adult think thta I cant remember what it was like when I was growing up how I was never good enough, how I was never special enough and how I had this ache for family even as a young child...I guess I knew then that they would never be my "family"

so now when I see them it makes me feel so aweful inside, its like a stabbing reminder that i am not goood enough and it hurts it hurts in my core, I suppose because I wanted them to love me just for me, and yet they dont even care enough to see my kids, i am the only one to give my grandmother, great grandchildren...but they are treated no better then I, and it again reminds me of how sad they make me.

So why do I only visit at x mas?? they want to know why I dont make more of an effort and the reason plain and simple is it just hurts to much, they remind me that I am not nor was I ever good enough.

Love, Zena