Sunday, September 28, 2008


Boy lately my posts sure have been a bummer and I fear this one will be no less of a downer. Just finished feeding the little man his oatmeal and the thought ran trough my head " you should be having some too" but Im not Im to anxious to eat and I M and I are fighting which isnt helping matters and he told me to move out and I said no and thats where it was left and I keep thinking well at least I still have my ED.

I miss my old An body and how clean it used to feel now I feel the flesh growing all over me and it completely unnerves me...I keep staring at old AN pics and keep thinking how easy it would be to go back there that s what I want I want my old body back I dont fit in this one very well...I have no clothes that fit just old AN clothes hidden in my drawers and when I think of It (them) my anxiety sky rockets and I can barely breath.

I feel like I am suffacating.

drowning in my own flesh and its really a repulsive feeling, really very repulsive I just wish days could go by without food...I want to slip back into my own little world of nothingness and bones. i am not happy I am very unhappy.

when will I finally be happy??

I cant seem to answer that question.

there is so much going on with the kids in school and I feel so overwhelmed...I am the helping parent on monday for Z mans preschool and I feel like tehy will all be thinking how fat she is..thats the mother what a cow, i felt that way on friday at the field trip, and ofcourse since I have no clothes that fit me I have to wear the same thing and then I will be judged for that...gosh I cant stand it I cant stand having to be in this world like this, i am so miserable...miserable just fucking miserable.

A is sick asd had me up much of the night...she was vomiting and coughing and just felt generally aweful and of course it made me feel aweful and of course I didnt get enough sleep and for that I am miserable . I hope it doesnt rain again today. that was random, but its been raining buckets here for days and frankly its getting a little old...I guess there was a hurricane somewhere and we are ..were getting the remnents.

oh hell

i am so pissed at M I could scream ...he is accusing be of having a boyfriend. ha . like I would ever let another human being look at my body is positivly obsurd..luticrous. simply insane. Hes generally nuts but has been getting nuttier and nuttier I really dont know when he think I would have the time or the desire to be with some one else its really just quite insane.

All of this shit combined is driving me bonkers..I guess maybe Iam going nuts too



firefly said...

Zena: Throw away the old clothes. I'm surprised they didn't have you throw them away at Remuda. I really get the body hate, I so get it but you are so o.k. I know you don't feel it but you need to repeat this to yourself everyday. You are a good person and deserve to enjoy the kids. I wish I had the magic words to make everything better. I don't think other people even notice what you are thinking they are thinking about you. As a teacher I'm grateful for the parents that do help out in the classroom. There isn't time to think that deeply and judge them. I'm grateful that you would be there to help out. Did you end up buying some cute outfits?

What are you going to do with M? What makes him so insecure? Have you spoken to S about it all? I can see where alot of anxiety is steming from. Your relationships with m and then your dad stuff. Those are the big issues. I would be anxious too. Can you look at eating like medicine right now, so you can deal with the underlying issues?
I hope A is feeling better and the rest of your day you were able to get some peace. I love you so much and wish you had more supportive people in rt. Hang in there!!!

Sarah said...

I love you, honey. I wish I could swoop in and just give you the biggest hug.