I am feeling bad really bad. The kind of sad that hurts in my stomach.I went to a funeral today for my fathers uncle and yes it was sad, but thats not it, seeing my father and watching like an outsider how he touches me is well just plain creepy. He rubs and and fondels me liek I am his girlfriend and I found the whole thing very sad...i started to disconnect from it all and my sister commented on how sad I looked "everyone Notices " she said
we attended a party together on saturday and I guess after I left some people were talking about my eyes, yes shes sick ...you can tell they said in her eyes. and they are all right I feel so sad.
anyway back to the funeral
my dad flaunted us ( mysister and myself) like we were some prize to be won...he continually grabbed my hand and told me how much he loved me and well it was just to much, I feel overwhelmed with distain for myself. I am left to wonder "does he not know how inappropriate he is?" and "did he act like this to me my childhood years??"
know wonder I am left with a feeling of mistrust and fear...he touches me and it makes me feel sick...why cant I remember??
M thinks I am crazy and how could I not remember, but I honestly dont, I dont remember.
then there are my aunts who act as if there hasnt been a disconnect between us for the last 20 years, like they were actually a part of my life and I should feel some love toward them, and it leaves me sad, sad for the relationship (s) that I never had that I lost somewhere along the way, down tha road that isnt traveled or talked about for that matter...when my father left my mother his whole family left me ( and my sisters ) behind, like we didnt matter...I have struggeled my whole life with the concept tha I dont matter, like my needs are to much and now I think I know where I get it from.
i was sent very clear messages as a child and all while I was growing up that I wasnt good enough that I didnt measure up, I was a girl and I was inferior somehow.
it was the silent messages that hurt the most, like getting the xmas present from my grandmother even though we were the only girls we would get 5 dollar dolls while the boys would get huge extravagent gifts, and I was never ungrateful but I realize now how short my end ofthe stick really was and it makes me feel so sad, sad for what I never had, sad for that little girl who feels so alone in that room full of people...people who now thatI am a grown adult think thta I cant remember what it was like when I was growing up how I was never good enough, how I was never special enough and how I had this ache for family even as a young child...I guess I knew then that they would never be my "family"
so now when I see them it makes me feel so aweful inside, its like a stabbing reminder that i am not goood enough and it hurts it hurts in my core, I suppose because I wanted them to love me just for me, and yet they dont even care enough to see my kids, i am the only one to give my grandmother, great grandchildren...but they are treated no better then I, and it again reminds me of how sad they make me.
So why do I only visit at x mas?? they want to know why I dont make more of an effort and the reason plain and simple is it just hurts to much, they remind me that I am not nor was I ever good enough.