Tuesday, September 2, 2008


I am feeling bad really bad. The kind of sad that hurts in my stomach.I went to a funeral today for my fathers uncle and yes it was sad, but thats not it, seeing my father and watching like an outsider how he touches me is well just plain creepy. He rubs and and fondels me liek I am his girlfriend and I found the whole thing very sad...i started to disconnect from it all and my sister commented on how sad I looked "everyone Notices " she said

we attended a party together on saturday and I guess after I left some people were talking about my eyes, yes shes sick ...you can tell they said in her eyes. and they are all right I feel so sad.

anyway back to the funeral

my dad flaunted us ( mysister and myself) like we were some prize to be won...he continually grabbed my hand and told me how much he loved me and well it was just to much, I feel overwhelmed with distain for myself. I am left to wonder "does he not know how inappropriate he is?" and "did he act like this to me my childhood years??"

know wonder I am left with a feeling of mistrust and fear...he touches me and it makes me feel sick...why cant I remember??

M thinks I am crazy and how could I not remember, but I honestly dont, I dont remember.

then there are my aunts who act as if there hasnt been a disconnect between us for the last 20 years, like they were actually a part of my life and I should feel some love toward them, and it leaves me sad, sad for the relationship (s) that I never had that I lost somewhere along the way, down tha road that isnt traveled or talked about for that matter...when my father left my mother his whole family left me ( and my sisters ) behind, like we didnt matter...I have struggeled my whole life with the concept tha I dont matter, like my needs are to much and now I think I know where I get it from.

i was sent very clear messages as a child and all while I was growing up that I wasnt good enough that I didnt measure up, I was a girl and I was inferior somehow.

it was the silent messages that hurt the most, like getting the xmas present from my grandmother even though we were the only girls we would get 5 dollar dolls while the boys would get huge extravagent gifts, and I was never ungrateful but I realize now how short my end ofthe stick really was and it makes me feel so sad, sad for what I never had, sad for that little girl who feels so alone in that room full of people...people who now thatI am a grown adult think thta I cant remember what it was like when I was growing up how I was never good enough, how I was never special enough and how I had this ache for family even as a young child...I guess I knew then that they would never be my "family"

so now when I see them it makes me feel so aweful inside, its like a stabbing reminder that i am not goood enough and it hurts it hurts in my core, I suppose because I wanted them to love me just for me, and yet they dont even care enough to see my kids, i am the only one to give my grandmother, great grandchildren...but they are treated no better then I, and it again reminds me of how sad they make me.

So why do I only visit at x mas?? they want to know why I dont make more of an effort and the reason plain and simple is it just hurts to much, they remind me that I am not nor was I ever good enough.

Love, Zena


firefly said...

I'M sorry you are feeling sadness. You need to grieve for the little girl and speak up about your dad's inappropriate touches.I'm surprised these things were not addressed during family work. Oh Zena I feel like you got cheated at your Remuda experience or maybe you needed more time. Take it all to your iop experience. Talk about it in groups. These is the deeper stuff. You need support with hugs!
Did the kids start school yet?

Zena said...

the kids started school yesterday..I dont feel I was cheated at remuda I feel like my dad manipulated everyone, something he is very good at, although he did call to see how the kids first day of school was so that is an improvement...he never called on my first days of school....

love, Zena

zubeldia said...

Oh honey. he sounds really very narcissisitc, which means that he would be good at that stuff... you know, making folks think he was a good guy.

How's the program going, hon?

it seems as though you have so many conflicted feelings around your dad. His inappropriateness, and yet the desire and the longing to have him be a father. Oh petal.

Zena said...

hey Z,

the program is going great!!! I am being discharged on monday...4 weeks flew by;) I am doing so well its scary I almost want to pinch myself to see if its just a dream, you know ?? I am trying real hard to be mindful and pay attention to what I am feeling and not just say I cant bear it and give into symptoms..that is no longer an option, I am desperate to recover!!!

Hey dear firefly,

As first day went great she had a blast and I worried for nothing, she going to be taking the bus home on tues and thursdays which she is estacic about...she looked a little scared this morning but she had another great day so hopefully it will stay that way...thanks for asking.

the sadness isnt so intense today I am managing...and I will keep on pluging foward!!

Love, Zena

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

So glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today, dear Zena.

Z is right, and it is such a common occurence in abusers - the ability to appear "perfect" in situations where it benefits them, but being able to split into something totally different otherwise. It's what leads to so much confusion in survivors of abuse, too.

I hope your night is going well.

Take gentle care,