Monday, May 31, 2010


Never forget what you are fighting for...I keep this on my night stand right next to my bed...its the last the I see (hopefully) and the first thing I see when I wake up!!!

Live Angela, LIVE!!!

Love, Tara

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Its NOT a freaking kidney...


This should NOT bring on trauma, right???

So why why oh freaking why do I have butterflies in my tummy ( and no its not the greek yogurt:) )

Im a thinking because the last time I (we) bought a car was almost 6 yrs ago (well 5 yrs and 10 months) and mike was there and he did all the talking/negiotiating and now well this is my first major purchase (much needed) without him....its me and me madre, she did her research....blahhhh

I will be fine...its just a car Im not purchasing some black market kidney, there is nothing to be nervous about...BREATH...DONT FORGET TO BREATH...

I will post pics of my new non soccer mom van when I get back...cause I know you are all dying to see it ;)

love love,


Friday, May 28, 2010

The Story of what should have been...

There was a girl.

The Girl meets a boy and they fall in love.

The boy and girl get married.

They have three beautiful children with the hopes of more to come.

The boy worked very hard to make a life.

The girl worked very hard at creating a home.

The girl did not have an Eating Disorder.

The Boy was not an alcoholic.

They watched their children grow into people.

They watched their children get married and have babies.

They grew to a ripe old age together.

Then their time came and they were ready because their life had been all that they had planned.

But that was not the way the story went....somewhere things went terriablly wrong, and now the girl is left alone.

His story was over way to soon.

The girl has to make a new story.

The girl now has to create a life.

Life is not a story or some fairytale.

Life is hard, and scary and uncertain.

Now this girl must create a new story.

Except this time it can not be a story.

It must be her life.

I am that girl, and now I must create a life not some fairytale.

This is my journey.

My journey of creating my life.

Things can not be perfect,things will never be the same, but there is still a life to live.

So this is the beginning of me creating a life, there is no longer the story I told myself...this is it...this is real...this is the beginning.

The End.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Food Struggles :(

I know what you all are thinking...Its always something with this girl, but..sorry it seems to be that way right now :(

I am writting this to hold me accountable for TODAY!!!

I've been umm skimping on this...mostly my fats and a starch or 2 a day...

Now this is no excuse but with all the stress I am under I have either been completely enveloping myself in projects (ie: I have redecorated three bedroom in the past 3 day yes painting and all) and since I have OCD (yeah another thing) I like cant stop/wont stop til Im done with whatever it is Im doing, so I kinda miss things like snacks or the occational lunch...or I am dealing with my kids who you all know are severely struggling and out of control (behavior wise), or Im hysterical crying in grief, (I sound so fun huh?) so that leaves little time to just "be" which is what I need to do so that I am able to focus on recovery as well as the other things in my life...

anywho, for today I am going to post my food intake so if your triggered by that STOP READING NOW!!!!

okay so far

Breakfast: was late...2 cups coffee w/splenda ( my bestest friend) and a chocolate banana viviano smoothie from yes you guessed Starbucks....and for some reason I told them to make it with non fat milk instead of the usual 2% yeah saved myself 30 cal Im a dumbass....

Its now 1:11 pm...I need to eat lunch, heres the catch...I DONT WANT TO!!! wah wah Im A BRAT!!!

So I will be back later to TELL YOU THAT I ATE LUNCH and I will tell you what it was... so if you cant read that stuff AGAIN STOP READING!!!

okay til Later my loves

Update: 2:04 pm

Lunch: Chobani strawberry Greek yogurt w/14 crushed almonds
1/2 pita w/2 tble hummus
8 oz decaf green tea

If you are wondering "wheres the protien?) Greek yogurt has like 14 grams of protien so it counts as a dairy and a protien (plus the smoothie from breakfast has like a third of my daily protien, protien powder is a wonderful thing :) )....and yes I only had 1/2 the pita but I will make up for the other starch somehow...okay til snack time my darlings...

Snack: 4:45 pm

1 delectable coffee "milkshake"

1 cup 1% milk

3/4 extra strong Iced cofee

1 1/2 cup ice


and this is me after my TREAT

Dam blogger...I can never get the pictures to come after the text...if you can help me that one let me know...anyway top pic is of me after said treat!!!

More to come...

hmmmmm its 8:05 pm and I am just now sitting down to dinner...Zack had a baseball game and well Im a poor planner (when it comes to my food...

Dinner is a 6in turkey and vegtable sub from subway w/1tble lt mayo

I still have to have my snack but if your any good at math ( which I know you Ed people are)m then you will realize even if I have a 300 cal snack say in 2 hours I will still be in a 650 cal deficite....


I need to up the anty...I need to eat more food at each meal or snack...LIKE I WAS DOING!!!

Get it together TARA!!!



Til Later....


10:30pm snack

banana w/1 tble pb

didnt meet mp...but I tried 650 short

tomorows a new day and I see S, so we will talk about it, and how to push through the hard feelings eating brings out.

tomorrows goal: COMPLETE HONESTY

Love you all,


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

There is some joy!!!

Today if only for an hour or 2 I found some joy playing with my boys in this ridiculously hot weather...Alyssa is missing because she is in school (BOO) but here we are, and yes I am actually wearing a bathing suit (not showing you) but Im wearing one for the first in like well cant remember how long...maybe Im getting a little better;) Sorry for the bummer posts as of late, just letting you know today is okay!
enjoy the weather,
as always much love

Monday, May 24, 2010

its 11 pm

I am (or was) laying in bed, in my newly decorated bedroom and panicked, images, thought, questions...I just dont understand...and it hurts/bothers me that I will never get any answers, never...he cant answer my questions.

and I cant let go.

Its really starting to get to me...worse now 9 weeks and 3 days and 3 hours later...I just dont know what to do...

Im seeing S, K, SS (pdoc) Ed doc, Kids T (Dr.B) ands I just feel with all this help/support I should be doing better...better then this...

I keep saying the same things but it hurts so much...I dont know what to do...Im so lost...

I took too many benzos tonight and I still cant sleep, double the does which is already higher then normal, plus over the counter sleeping pills plus all my other meds....and Im still here awake and totured, Im tempted to reach for a drink, ( my sister has wine in room) the s to much (im not in danger of hurting myself) im just in so much pain...

I see him...all the time just hanging there gasping for air, ity doesnt ever go away

I buy things to numb me (distract) for a time but them Im done and its still there

I pray, I plead for god to carry me, I feel so alone...even in a crowed room

everyone says time but its worse instead of better...

and the food, its getting harder again, 2 days not eating and my hunger cues are messed up, Im about 550 cal from my goal and unless I get drunk its not going to happen, I mantained this week ( sorry if TMI but I have my period) so she says its null/void it means nothing, next week will be the test...

I want to be healthy for my kids but it seems so wrong to trying to get healthy AFTER he killed himself...isnt this what drives people into ED's...Im scared all the time and question my every move...I see S and Dr.B tomorrow for a family sesh...

I need to follow my mp and my tx team is so right its such a slippery slope, and didnt i say a while back I was going to free fall, where dids my motivation go??, I feel like its buried with him.

someone/anyone when you when through a tradedy while trying to recover, how did you do it?

right now it feels so hard

Its not about the weight (yes I feel fat) but thats not really a feeling, I feel so much more, and its so overwhelming, I need my friend back, he protected me from these feelings...I know they say they wont kill me, but right now,I feel like Im dieing...

I just want to feel whole, I have never felt that, at least I cant remember...I just wish for one day to feel some peace, and not feel guilty for it.

sorry for another bummer post...

but this is me, my story, and right now, it hurts...

I hope you are all feeling some peace tonight...send me some would you...I am in desperate need.

hopelessly lost,


If it continues like this...I dont think I will make it.

It only gets harder

with every day that passes

The dreams become more real (nightmares)

The images never go away

everything triggers the thoughts (well not everything but allot of things)

This is much to hard

everything hurts

To be awake

to sleep

to breath

to eat

I dont think I can do it much more...

2 more weeks and it will be a year out of a hospital

Im coming apart at the seams, but I wont go back, to hear others talking/having tried to kill themselves ...when I just lost my husband to suicide.

I may jump them, or kill them

so they will have MORE of a reason to keep me there.


the if this shit continues, I just dont think I will make...

I just dont know how :(

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The weekend of shit...

It started Friday with the "DREAM"/ "NIGHTMARE"

I had T on Friday and spent the whole time just venting and crying, about my dream, my lack of sleep, my devastation, how he could have done this to us, my kids, their horrendous pain, the agony of it all...

Somehow it "slipped"my mind to tell her that I was thinking about not eating again, that I wasnt just thinking about it, that I needed it, I needed the emotional numbness that starving brings, That I needed a break, that I couldnt take it anymore...

So around 3 on friday I emailed her, I emailed her all the thoughts I was having, the fact that I just "needed a break" and really I just couldnt do it anymore, I apoligized for dissapointing her and Karen that I really wanted to get better but the whole affrimation "Recovery hurts, but the alternative is so much worse." just wasnt playing out, Listening to the ED voice screaming at me, my kids screaming, hitting, kicking, panicking, and the constant emotional turmoil just wasnt worth the end result (although I still dont know what that end result might be....other then the term "FREEDOM"...which right now means jack to me)

I must tell you I emailed her on friday at 3 because of 2 reasons, I dont lie to my tx team, and 2 because I really didnt think she would get it til sunday night...

I was wrong.

Karen called me at 5...."S called, I heard you might not be texting your food tonight, your having thoughts of restricting, how can I help you?" me..."Im fine" K "Tara, you are not fine, let me help you." me "I cant do this anymore, it hurts to much, I need an emotional break, I need to be numbed out...geez I guess this is what I get for having a tx team who talks..." K "yup" let me help you..." me " I dont want help want help now...I want a break...."I start to cry... K " Tara you are so strong and I know you are in so much pain but not eating will not make you feel less pain, you wont be able to deal with what you HAVE to, if your body is starving...let me help want to meet for a smoothie (ie :starbucks banana chocolate viviano...we are starbucks people:) )
"No, I will be okay" what I wanted to say was "just leave me the fuck alone, I hate lieing to you guys but shit if I knew you would be on me like white on rice I would just fucking lie...dam!!" K "I know its the weekend but Im going to checking in with you all weekend." Me " you dont have to" K "your right, but I want to and I will." Me "okay" K " Tara, I know it hurts, it hurts more then I could ever know, but YOU dont deserve to keep hurting yourself!" me "okay" K "i will call you later..."

and she did...and I didnt lie, I told her afternoon snack skipped, dinner small, evening snack not happening...we talked...more like she talked and I nodded only she couldnt see me nod so she probably thought I wasnt listening...

Saturday....I woke up puking ( go figure) somehow dragged myself to Alyssa's soccer game came home collasped at the end of my bed and stayed there til this morning...( when I said I wanted to not eat I meant by choice not because I couldnt walk down the stairs...) needless to say K's calls and S's emails went unanswered (note to self: call K and return email to S)....I really didnt do much of anything today except Alyss'a homework and now writting this post...which I must either a) be still sick or b) malnourished because I cant remember why I started writting in the first place...anyway...hmmmm

oh so this weekend I didnt eat, well I had a cheese stick and a coke zero but thats like 2% of my mp so Im gonna think that doesnt really count....I guess you could say I fell of the wagon or that I got sick I just had some bandwagon falling off thoughts before hand, either way I feel bad, I need to do "the next right thing"...I just think I will start tomorrow.....its just a laspe....I will fix it...tomorrow...sorry if I let you guys down too...I m gonna go now cause I dont think Im making any sense...blahhhh

Love always,


Friday, May 21, 2010

I had a dream...

That he was alive.

He was mad at me for making plans Fathers Day weekend and not including him.

He told me I should be more considerate of his feelings...I aploligized...he was still angry.

I was confused.

We talked ablout Zacks sleepover tonight and how I should have asked him...I was still very confused.

I asked him where was he he these last 9 weeks, why did he pretend to be dead.

He said he was just "testing" me.

I was angry.

I woke and called his number....the phone was no longer in sank in, He really is dead.

Hes dead., its not some test, at least not one of his....he is Dead.

When I woke up I really thought, that everything that had happened these last nine weeks was the dream, but its not...he really is dead.

Fuck me.

Fuck my stupid ass Dreams.

Fuck this world.

I should have been more considerate...sweeter...forgiving...Fuck, Im such a bitch, Fuck Im sorry, Fuck.

Really I thought it wasnt real, its like i just found out for the first time ALL OVER again..dam this shit, Damit

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

All of the is's have been changed to was...

It has been a very difficult few days...weeks...months... we were fit into an emergency appointment with the children's therapist, they, all of them have been having such a hard time and I say hard time hoping that you will all know that by "hard time" I mean dreadful, with each having their own issues but mainly they (Alyssa and Zack) have been so angry, aggressive, violent, rageful and really just so unmanageable that I just do not know what to do anymore, nothing is working...It will in time I know...but right now I feel like I have no time, that this is urgent, that if things dont change, Zack is going to seriously hurt someone, mainly me, and Alyssa well she will just .... continue to be so cruel and angry that the wall she is building will never be able to be broken down.

Zack's is either so full of violent rage or all consuming fear, I never know what to expect, either way its awful, hes either panicked on my lap, crying because he is so afraid that he is sick or dying, or has cavities that he just sobs on me and begs me to never let him go or leave him or he is throwing things at me, screaming, kicking, hitting, such a rage that I know he scares himself.

Alyssa also has 2 personalities either she hates me, wishes me to be the dead parent, screams at me, and just blatantly defiant or she is crying for me to never leave or to hold her ( and by hold her I mean like a baby...she is not small, she is 7 weighs about 70 pounds and is built like a brick) I cant physically hold her like she wants to be, it hurts me, I do it for as long as I can and when I am forced (by physical pain) to put her down she lashes out at me screaming that I hate her or she hates me, whichever she feels at the moment.

about an hour ago I had one of those "hit by brick" moments where I could feel the weight of the world on me, everyones weight, it took my breath away, and left me gasping for air amidst the flow of tears streaming from my eyes....I was paying our bill at the Therapists office, scheduling appointments way into the future just to be sure...Alyssa tugs at me ....I put my finger up to tell her one minute.... she pushes a piece of paper in front of me, and tells me to read it, I recognized it, it was the story she had written the night before only it was different now, when she read it to me the night before I held back my tears because I knew that what she had written no longer was true, she wrote in the present tense. She wrote as if he were still here still doing all the things in her story....I did not correct could I? But the story was different after her appointment... all of the is's were changed to was....and I realized in that moment that hers, zacks, isaiahs, mine...all of our "is's" have been changed to "was".

Nothing will ever be the same.

There is no good Mike, Loving father, hard worker, husband, son, brother, uncle, grandson....everything that was used to describe him, is now a "WAS" he is no longer any of those things.

Yes I know he was other not so nice things too, but I dont want to talk about it, so please dont remind me...Im not choosing to only remember the good...I know there are both things he will never be again but right now I as are my children are grieving the good. We are are here, he is not and everything that we ever knew has all become a "was"....

I cant even begin to tell you how that feels, or how it is impacting my children....NOTHING is or will ever again be the same.

I am broken as are they.

I can be brave, I can function, I can cry in my room at night and live as I should durning the day, really I have no other option....but I am a grown up and they are Someone please tell me how they will ever be okay again...I am reading this book that says grieving children, their process takes so much longer then adults, because with each year that they gain intelligence and grasp more of what they have lost, they have to grieve all over again, and it is GOING to happen, on their birthdays, his birthdays, proms, graduations, weddings, the birth of their own children, they will grieve. They grieve the very fact that they do not have a father, that they did, but no longer do....

All of their "is's" have been changed to "was", and that will NEVER change !

and I ...well I am so so broken, everything that was once is no more, and now all of my "is's"have been changed to "was". I do not know where to walk, I am afraid to speak for fear it might shatter a I sit here at my computer and write because speaking seems to dangerous...everything is now different, and really i dont know how to do this, really i thought i did, but today i realized i dont, perhaps this is what is meant by the term "the second wave"....I feel it all over again...and what really pains that they do to...

Monday, May 17, 2010


So i have been tagged...YEAH!!

Really I am very excited, touched and ummm a tad nervous, but thats my usual the nervous part I mean.

So I believe I am to tag 4 fellow bloggers whom I feel are beautiful..hmmmm very difficult decision since you ALL are beautiful, then I must tell you 7 secrets ( thats the part im nervous heres we go...

I tag Alex at htpp:// who shares both her struggles and her triumpths who is private so i am very sorry you cant read her but know she is awesome!Belinda at htpp:// is my soul sister, she has struggled and overcome more then any person I know, we share the EXACT same struggles which is very sad for us, but makes all the closer, and yes she too is simply beautiful. Amber at htpp:// , Amber writes exactly whats on her mind, and probably doesnt know I read her as much as I do because my lack of commenting on her blog as well as everyone elses leaves people thinking this girl doesnt even know me, but fyi my friends I read, my commenting has been sparse due to several reasons (lack of computer and inspirational things to and last but certainly not least my dear friend Sarah,at htpp:// whom is also private (sorry guys) at Sarah is one of the most supportive people (blogger/friends) I know, whom I have had the wonderful privilege of knowing in real life not just in Blog world. You are all beautiful, your writings, spirits and of course your bodies, inside as well as out!!!

Okay 7 secrets....ekkkkk (David your lucky I love you!!!)

1)I have only had 2 real boyfriends 1 at age 16 and one at 18 whom I would later marry.

2) I got pregnant before I was married (shame) and planned a wedding in 7 weeks ( although we were already engaged) because i refused to have a baby out of "wedlock"

3) 90210 was/is my FAVORITE show of all time and I sobbed openly when the show went off the air...dont tell me to watch the new one, there is NO comparison and there never will be...

4) Toby Kieth (country singer) is my boyfriend, and although he is unaware we will one day be married and I will have his baby and we will name it "LOVE CHILD" !

5)My mother was born Jewish, and have spent the last 3 days trying to explain to my children why they are Jewish by blood but not by believes ( and I am clearly failing miserably....cause they just dont get it).

6) When I was 22 my step-son and I walked into a gas station, he was giving me a hard time and the man behind the counter told him "to be good to his mother!" He was 11, I was 22 and HORRIFIED!!! and literally yelled "HES NOT MY SON!!!" Poor sean, he probably felt bad, but for him to be my son I would have had to be a child slut ( who by the way at that age was INCAPABLE of having that to much information)

7) I want more babies, like 2 or 3....when Im healthy of course...yep I love babies /kids that much! Im not a FREAK!!! Kids are just soooooo awesome!!!!

okay that wasnt so bad... I hope the links to the bloggers I tagged came out right...cause secret # 8 would be I am computer dumb dumb!!!

Okay my lovelies peace...

Love, Tara

Thursday, May 13, 2010

So did you know..?

My grandmother came up from Florida to visit, (really to see my Sister (Lori)graduate from Law school!!! Yeah Lori!!! (side note I am buying her a new computer for graduation, so I will hopefully soon have mine back full time as she still has a Bar study course, then the Bar at the end of june)

But I digress, Did you know that when your 83 yr old grandmother comes to visit to visit for a week your eating disorder magicly DISAPPEARS. No really its true, oh your doesnt, Im sorry mine does:(

The first few meals were met with the comment "ohhhh Im so glad you are eating", They were prefaced by the comment (this was before we sat down to a meal, "are you sure you are eating you look so "thin", I say "thin" because that is her perception of me not mine but whateves) So for 4 meals and 3 snacks, after every one I heard the words "Ohhhh Im so glad you are eating..." shes been here since tuesday at 3:30, so that means every time I sat down to eat....grrrrr.

Anyway after she saw me come down stairs at 10:30 last night (cause I had "forgotten" to eat my evening snack and was over come with guilt, so I went sown to make it) she said, "Im so glad this is all behind you now, You just cant have an Eating Disorder now, you just cant, Im so glad you are Eating now."

Hmmmmm so did you know that by just eating your meals and snack no matter how stressful it is for you (even though in front of her you hide it fairly well) you NO LONGER HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!!!? Its as simple as that, you eat, its over, I mean why didnt i just do this years ago...what was I thinking?

Grrrrrr Its so frustrating, If an Eating Disorder was just about eating my food I would have Recovered ohhhh so long ago, but if you weren't already aware ( but really I hope you are)(massive sarcasm) Eating Disorders are NOT just about eating the food, there is so much more to it...I know I know It shouldnt matter that she doesnt get it, its just frustrating that she thinks it is, like Im just some really vain girl who only cares about how small she is...anyway so now she thinks "im cured" all is well and there are no more struggles, which would be fine if that were true, yep Im eating my food, but believe me IT IS A STRUGGLE!!!

So apparently for the next 5 more days I do not have an eating disorder!!

So while I am going to be living a different identity ( not that the Eating Disorder is my identity) NON EATING DISORDERED Girl, I am thinking of changing my name while I am at, so what do you think Samantha, or Elizabeth, or maybe a name like Faith, I also liked those names.

So I will introduce you to myself "Hi, my name is Faith, I do not have an Eating Disorder, I am 100% emotional, mentally and physically healthy, and it all happened in a few days, I am a phenomenon, so if you want to know my secret to recovery, here it is, just have your 83 yr old grandmother visit for a week, she will let you know if your Recovered or not, I promise, mine did, and it is pure bliss"

Disclaimer: I love my grandma!! Its just so frustrating when people make assumptions and just dont get it!

Frustratingly yours,

Faith (aka Tara)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Since we are doing Affirmations....

Here are just a few...I have about 365 that were given to be S...

I am in charge of my LIFE.

The question I ask myself is not IF I should recover, but HOW I should recover.

recovery may seem hard, the alternative is WORSE!

I choose Life.

I need never go back again.

I have the Freedom and Power to create the life I desire.

I can forgive.

Self-love is my birthright.

I refuse to let the negative tape of self-pity trap me.

I am not finished growing, changing, evolving.

I am doing better then I think.

Either I find a way. or I will MAKE one.

My size does NOT determine who I am.

I am falling in love with life.

Doing my best is SUCCESS!

I am not at a dead end. I am reaching a new beginning.

I can let g o of shame.

I am rooted in the soil of right action.

Never give up for that is just the time and place the tide will turn.

Many things are possible if I accept that the fastest way is 1 step at a time.

I am free to take a journey of a lifetime.

Failure is NOT trying.

I move beyond old limitations....

There are like 345-350 if you ever need that little something extra let me know :)

These are the ones on the first 3 pages that I found especially true for me....there are 3 more maybe I will bless you all with another day of affirmations in the future!!

peace to you all..."never stop believing" glee

Love, Tara

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


So much to say...not enough time...

Saw K yesterday...and I maintained .... good yes..for recovery...

okay so the good, no mp increase this week...good...

My body is happy...

I ate and followed mp even though I heard the Eating Disorder really loud saying "YOU DO NOT NEED THIS!!!"

I went shopping with Alexis and bought clothes, actually tried them on and now have clothes that actually fit and didnt freak out that I wasnt the smallest size available

ummmm thats all I got...

Bad, Im scared...that if I maintained this week I will gain next...

Eating disorder likes to lose weight even if Tara knows maintaining is what needs to happen

K thinks its water weight as my feet/legs were swollen, and it wont last and next week I will lose which will lead to another increase, scares Tara and ED, but I dont really know because I am confused...

I dont want to eat more but somehow it was okay when I was loseing, I know I said I wanted to be stable but I didnt realize how scared that would make me...

I need some courage...some encouragement...something...

Affirmation: The past has no power over me!!!

Love, Tara

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I need help...

Im to exhausted to write out a complete post, just know that today like every other day is hard.

It is especially hard on our first mothers day without him...

yes its mothers should be about me...but its not, its about the hole he left in me and my children when he left us, when he took his life and my job of being a mother all the harder.

Every day we wake up and it is a first day without out him for something...whether it be the first for a soccer game or the day I wake up and eat breakfast without thinking twice, or its the first time they get a report card for this all hurts, everything hurts...and it hurts all the more because I know he choose this, he choose to leave us, he choose for me to be an only parent...he...he...he made this choice and didnt ask me what I thought...I think he should have at least asked...after all this WAS my life too.

I ache inside.

I ache for my children.

I ache for myself.

I ache for his parents.

I ache for the grandchildren we will have.

I ache for every moment that has a hole in it because of this choice he made.

I cant turn back time, and I dont want to. yes I wish he didnt hang himself. But I dont wish him to be back. He was cleary miserable and saw no way out so I wouldnt want him to be in that much pain, and really i dont wish for the pain that he caused me to be back, but i do wish that somehow...someway...things had been different...

Thanks Mike...thanks for making this my first mothers day as an only parent, thanks for not being here to remind the kids to wish me a "happy mothers day" thanks for being here to tell me Im doing a good job, thanks for making this day which should be special for me, thanks for making it about you, the hole you created, and the hole you will never again be able to fill.

If I sound bitter, its because I am.

I now have the sole responsibility of molding these 3 precious children into productive members of society...thanks thanks allot.

So now I need help, I need help from you guys, I need help from everyone around me...I need help...and I hate it...I hate that now I have to ask...

so please guys help me...encourage me when I feel like it couldnt be any worse...tell me if you think im making a mistake, help fill the void he left...I really dont know where else to turn, no one around me seems to get it...allot of people think I should be doing well...or that I AM doing well.


so please...PLEASE HELP ME..

I know, so pitiful

pitifully yours,


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Reminder to self:

When you feel like throwing in the towel...thats when you MUST do the exact OPPOSITE!!!

quick update:

I saw Doc A, my ED doc,and like everyone else on my tx team she too is worried about my weight loss, she is also very pleased with the fact that I am eating and eating well, my vitals are good, B/P a little low but my pulse was okay, my heart is beating NORMALLY, my lungs are working at full capacity, I have no other then the weight loss thing I am healthy, which is good, she asked about the emotional stuff too, as always. She told me how strong she thinks I am, how hard this must be but to do what I am doing despite these horrific circumstances is so incredible. That to put my Recovery ahead of my grief is so commendable she could'nt even even describe how proud she was of me. She wanted me back in 4 weeks (she also spared me the EKG and labs, Thankyou K) although she did say that regardless whatever may occur between now and then that I have to have labs next time I see her, I said fine and was grateful, she ended by saying that I was just an amazing person, and she hopes that someday when I am Recovered I will use my story to inspire people...because if I can recover with my past and present circumstances anyone could! She held open her arms and hugged me very tightly ( and for slightly longer then I expected)...I ended up leaving in tears...and she didnt want me to leave crying, she was willing to sit in the room with me til I regained my composure. I said no, grabbed a tissue, dabbed my eyes, forced a smile and said I was okay. "no, your not...but you will be" she said. she patted my shoulder as I walked out of the room and said "4 weeks okay...and if things start to" "They wont" I said and I walked out to make my appointment.

The nurse looked at my sheet..I hate that because it says your diagnosis "ANOREXIA NERVOSA" I hate it, it makes me want to shrink into myself, "okay so 4 weeks it says"
"uhuh" I say..."hmmmm looks like the first appt. she has is july 1st" "fine" I say, "well maybe I should check with her...maybe she can fit you in somewhere?" "no, I will fine" I say...I know I should have said yes check, but I just wanted to get out of there...I had reached the point where the tears were about to spill...she handed me my apt card and I left fast.

I barely made it to my car before I starting sobbing, why do I lie, why do I say Im okay when clearly I am not, My body is using calories at an alarming rate and its starting to piss me off...and really I am so NOT fine, I ache inside, it hurts everything just hurts, why cant I just tell them that, why do I need to seem so strong. I act fine, so you cant see it, but I need you to know "I AM NOT FINE" I want so badly to show them I am not fine with my body ... words seem so hard, they get stuck in my throat...but I cant use my body I need to use my voice I am practicing here and tomorrow when I see S I will tell her "NO, I AM NOT FINE" My voice are going to have to be enough, my body cant and shouldnt speak for me, I dont want to be sick, I just...I just...I feel like my outside should match my inside and it cant, not now not ever again, and really I pretend to be brave but Im not, Im scared as hell and every step I take feels wobbly like I could fall at any moment...but I need to remind myself, I havent fallen yet, so if I start to crumble and say Im done and am just going to let it go could you guys remind me too, remind me I havent fallen, that I cant, that this is something I must do...its not just an option any more...its my only option.




Today I must remember the to breath, AT ALL TIMES!t!!

No matter i what is happening or how I feel.

Despite any and all of what the day may possibly bring I must follow my MP%, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger ...none of those are reasons/emotions to not eat. (dont worry I am still 100% on track).

Yesterday was one of those days where i would have given anything to feel that hunger that would have numbed to the days occurrences.

My children are in so much pain and turmoil and each is acting out in different ways, its so hard to stay on top of what each one needs, The baby cries all the time unless I am holding him or doing exactly as he wants, and I know they are not just I want to be a brat tears but tears of pain fear and sorrow, he will occasionally through out the day say "My daddy died." or "please to ever leave me." I know he is fearful and he is only just three and cant properly verbalize his pain, but I know its there and I have to someone try to comfort and console him.

Zack is struggling so much right now with fear anxiety and yes bouts of extreme rage, where he seems to have the strength of ten men, he throws things, arches his back, grits his teeth, screams these horrific screams, and yes yesterday even flipped over a couch, and there is nothing i can do except to get the other children out of his way and do whatever I can to prevent him from hurting himself, and then as quickly as it comes, he is still and quiet and i hold him and tell him i love him and it WILL be okay...he is so remorseful as he rest his head on my chest saying how sorry he is and repeating over and over how much he loves me, I repeat that its going to be okay, That I love him more then he could ever imagine and I will never leave, and then of course there is the wretched anxiety he feels, he wakes in the middle of the night in a terror that he has developed lumps on him body that will kill him, he begs me to check his body for these lumps and when i do and assure him there are none he still feels no comfort so he lays on me and we pray, pray for the spirit of peace and calmness and that god will take away his fear and bless us with his mercy and grace, I pray to falls asleep again.

Then their is my princess who has become this girl I dont even know, angry, rude, defiant, sad, and yes broken hearted, she will tell you she is broken hearted, ask you if you know why and when you tell her "yes, because your daddy died." she just nods and starts to sob. She hurts her baby brother for the smallest thing, she is so attention seeking that she doesnt care of its negative attention, she wants it anyway...she will do ANYTHING for that attention. Then she will scream and cry That I dont love , and I assure her I love her more then words could say, and she replies "not as much as I love you" I correct her and promise never to leave her, that I will always be here and there is nothing she could do or say to me, that would make me not love her.

Then there is me, sad, grieving, afraid, so unsure,and now yes somewhat angry at what this act that he committed, that can never be taken back has done to my precious, innocent children. They deserve so much more then this torture, and it is up to me ... I am the sole person who can provide this comfort and security to them and I am angry he put this burden on me...I too am afraid that if I were to die suddenly, what would happen to my children, what if a car crashes into me, what if some crazy act of nature snuffs out my life, what if the sky falls down and hits me on the head, what then? who will do what I have to do for them then?

The only positive thing that has come from this horrible tragedy is that I have thrown myself full force into Recovery, and it started out because I had to and has become because I want to. I find myself every day surprised at the strength that lies within me, the strength that was always there, i just wouldnt see it because i was to busy be sick or the victim...

This is the most horrible thing that we will all ever endure ( I pray)one day we will all be okay, but that day is not now, so to anyone who may be reading and you feel that taking your life would be best for everyone around you, if you feel that you cant go on one more moment, I implore to think about those you love and what it would do to them if you did actually take your own life, call someone anyone, a hotline, a doctor, a friend, hell just dial a number and see who answers the phone, sometimes god works in ways we cant understand, maybe that person on the other end will give you just the slightest glimmer of hope that there is human compassion out there. That although the world may seem cruel and unfair, our lives were meant to be, YOU WERE MEANT TO BE!!

Think of the Repercussions of your actions and remember you are loved, and even if you feel you have no one in the world who would care or even miss you, there is a God who loves you more then you could even imagine, and when we hurt he hurts, you are not alone, he will carry you through this storm, all you have to do is ask...I know this to be true for a fact because as I type, as I breath, as i walk everyday he is carrying me.

Love and peace to all.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

What I was...What I am ....What I will be...

I was:

The girl/women who would run 10 miles in the morning before anyone was up.

The girl/women who would eat 300-400 calories a day.

The girl/women who would weigh herself at least 10 times a day.

The girl/women who would feel that the 10 miles was not enough by 2pm and anxiously await the arrival of her husband whom she would lie to and say she hadnt run yet and need to run to have a break for the kids and to "run off the anxiety".

The girl/women who was the wife of an alcoholic husband.

The/girl/women who went in and out of tx centers NEVER wanting to really recover.

The girl/women of three beautiful children who were put 2nd to her Eating disorder.

The girl/women who would hide at night and eat a half dozen donuts and then proceed to vomit in the bathroom so no one would no my dirty little secret.

The girl/women who lied to everyone to keep her Eating Disorder.

The girl/women who was in complete and utter DENIAL.

Who I am now:

The mother of Three beautiful children who come first 100% of the time.

The widow of an alcoholic husband.

The Women who is completely honest about EVERYTHING!!! Because she has learned that secrets keep you sick.

The Women who has an anxiety disorder, and fully acknowledges it!

The women who is in Recovery from her Eating disorder because she chooses to be so not because she was forced into tx.

The women who wants to live.

The women who knows the right thing to do and actually does it.

What I will be:

The mother of three beautiful children.

The widow of an abusive alcoholic husband who has forgiven him for what he had done and for choosing to end his own life.

The women who is RECOVERED from her Eating disorder.

The women who may feel anxious at times but knows and USES the skills to prevent her from feeling out of control.

The women who fights for what she believes in...and wins!!!

The women who uses her story of pain and her journey into and through Recovery to inspire others.

The women who fought against all odds and WON!!

The women who smiles at the small things.

The women her appreciates all that she has gone through because she knows it made her stronger and gave her the ability to become who she is today.

The women who writes her book and sees it published.

The women who finds love, isn't afraid of it, embraces it, and loves back.

The women who I was always meant to be!!!!

yes I know there have been 2 posts in one day...(my sisters taking an exam so I have access to my computer) I have had allot of thoughts lately...I could really write like 5 posts today but I wont because soon my boy will be home from school, and he needs me to be the good mom that I already am. Please read both posts as the first one is a struggle (i'm doing it though) and this one...well I just think I needed to "say" it. You know so I don't somehow forget!!

Love to all,


My Body: Is it mad at me or Does it want to be my Friend???

I walked into K's office last night hands shaking, legs twitching, heart racing...oh yeah I was SCARED!!! You see I get weighed usually EVERY OTHER WEEK!! I see her one week in the am (9) and one week in the pm (5). She weighs me on the am session because I have this ENORMOUS fear of the scale ( yes that is part of the irrationality of Ed's) On the am session she weighs me then if I am willing which I have been the last few times we have breakfast together ( always a non fat latte from starbucks and sometimes REAL FOOD) but because of the situation ( the continuous losing of said body weight she and I felt it was necessary to weigh in even on the evening appointment, she felt she needed to know and I needed to now if the increased mp made me I took some deep breaths, took off my shoes and stepped on the machine that tells me how "good pf a person I am. I looked at her and she knew I was very scared, I was almost hyper ventilating, I think she had a moment and felt bad for me and said are you okay? are you ready? No I said but I need to k now if my body if mad at me or wants to be my friend? (now my body has every right in the world to be mad at me as I have treated it like shit for the last 15 years..) So I stepped on, okay she said ( she is very fast shes good at what she does and her scale is a very good machine, he does his job well!) I stood there she sat and smiled and said "so okay what do you what to talk about?" grinning all the while, I looked at her and said ummm "Hello!!"

"sit" she said

I did

"you lost again 2.5 Lbs"

I looked at her and was it is 5pm I had eaten 2 meals 1 snack 4 glasses of H2O, 2 cups of coffee and a coke zero and it was still down, I was really in shock!

"you know" she said, "it's really most likely more then that seeing how its so late and what you have already eaten and water fluctuations and stuff"

I was EXTREMELY confused

"what are you thinking?" she asked

"I dont know" I said and really I didnt, because I knew what was coming next...and increase, now I have followed my mp increases and all for 2 weeks exactly, and for one week prior I had followed it about 88% of the time...

I couldnt figure it out, Does my body want to be my friend? Is it telling me "see you wont gain any weight by feeding me, dont worry I wont betray you, or is it saying ha ha ha, You dont like to eat so now I am going to torture you by continuously losing no matter what you put into me."

Needless to say I am left confused with and increase, and I am still confused this morning...I know all about the refeeding thing and hypermetabolic syndrom, but its never happened before when I needed to gain I would simply just have to eat a slightly elevated mp I would gain, my body would do this funky eat more-lose thing and well I just dont get it, I'm going to follow the new increased mp and get weighed again on monday...and I would just like to say "Dear body, I dont know what you are doing or what s happening to you, but if you are trying to be my friend, I thank you and if you are mad at me, then I am sorry and I ask for your forgiveness..lets make peace with each other, I will agree to feel you what you need, and not pull a fast one and you agree to stay where you are and not keep having to make me eat more...Deal?"

The thing is my ED like the fact I am losing, but I dont like the fact I have to eat more...oh Im so confused...

anyway I see Doc A. on thursday and K is emailing her to tell her even though there has been a pretty significant loss, I am eating very well ( cause she wont believe me) and I am having not having any physical symptoms so unless there is something wrong with my B/P or pulse an EKG really shouldnt be necessary. So lets pray Thursday morning I am not laying on a Table with my boobies exposed with electrodes hooked all over me while the nurse makes small talk...its not fun , I dont like am really dont want to do it.

okay I have more things I want to write about but they are on different subjects and Im late getting the kids ready so til we meet again..all my love,