Monday, May 24, 2010

its 11 pm

I am (or was) laying in bed, in my newly decorated bedroom and panicked, images, thought, questions...I just dont understand...and it hurts/bothers me that I will never get any answers, never...he cant answer my questions.

and I cant let go.

Its really starting to get to me...worse now 9 weeks and 3 days and 3 hours later...I just dont know what to do...

Im seeing S, K, SS (pdoc) Ed doc, Kids T (Dr.B) ands I just feel with all this help/support I should be doing better...better then this...

I keep saying the same things but it hurts so much...I dont know what to do...Im so lost...

I took too many benzos tonight and I still cant sleep, double the does which is already higher then normal, plus over the counter sleeping pills plus all my other meds....and Im still here awake and totured, Im tempted to reach for a drink, ( my sister has wine in room) the s to much (im not in danger of hurting myself) im just in so much pain...

I see him...all the time just hanging there gasping for air, ity doesnt ever go away

I buy things to numb me (distract) for a time but them Im done and its still there

I pray, I plead for god to carry me, I feel so alone...even in a crowed room

everyone says time but its worse instead of better...

and the food, its getting harder again, 2 days not eating and my hunger cues are messed up, Im about 550 cal from my goal and unless I get drunk its not going to happen, I mantained this week ( sorry if TMI but I have my period) so she says its null/void it means nothing, next week will be the test...

I want to be healthy for my kids but it seems so wrong to trying to get healthy AFTER he killed himself...isnt this what drives people into ED's...Im scared all the time and question my every move...I see S and Dr.B tomorrow for a family sesh...

I need to follow my mp and my tx team is so right its such a slippery slope, and didnt i say a while back I was going to free fall, where dids my motivation go??, I feel like its buried with him.

someone/anyone when you when through a tradedy while trying to recover, how did you do it?

right now it feels so hard

Its not about the weight (yes I feel fat) but thats not really a feeling, I feel so much more, and its so overwhelming, I need my friend back, he protected me from these feelings...I know they say they wont kill me, but right now,I feel like Im dieing...

I just want to feel whole, I have never felt that, at least I cant remember...I just wish for one day to feel some peace, and not feel guilty for it.

sorry for another bummer post...

but this is me, my story, and right now, it hurts...

I hope you are all feeling some peace tonight...send me some would you...I am in desperate need.

hopelessly lost,



jadedchalice said...

Hi, You dont know me, i recently followed your blog and read through your old blogs. My heart is with you and so are my thoughts.

I cannot tell you how to make the pain stop, and will not be so nieve as to say I understand because i couldn't put myself completely in your shoes however, I can tell you i had a trauma during my recovery which I felt set me back in my recovery.

My marriage almost ended while I was on disability due to several factors, but one of them was that i had gotten pregnant and we didn't feel ready to have the child so i had to let it go even though it wasn't what my heart wanted.

Though i felt no one understood, i felt that i had lost my child and that i didn't have any choice but to let it go.

I was living in a dream unable to sleep, unable to eat, and certainly felt that it set me back.

The only thing that worked for me, was to decide for me alone that I wanted to recover. I decided that I had been through enough trauma in my life already and didn't want to punish myself anymore. I decided for me that i needed to focus on recovery so that I could give myself a fair chance at life.

How you feel now is completely real, and i cannot imagine the pain, i just wish i could hold you while you try to fall asleep and help you relax but i cant but i can tell you that it is possible that part of how intense everything is feeling is due to the imbalance of chemicals from not eating.

As im sure you know, not eating changes the seratonin levels in your brain as well as throws off lots of chemicals in your brain not to mention causes you to be less cognitive and aware. I bet thats probably part of why you dont want to eat, but it isn't going to help, its just going to make things harder for you once you decide that you want to focus and recover again.

Its natural that you feel all these things that you are feeling, and you have no reason to be hard on yourself. No one can imagine the pain you are going through and no one has a right to put expectations on you especially right now.

The only expectation that anyone should have of you, is that you need support and understanding and compassion.
As you are are going up and down in this roller coaster of unbearable emotions, please remember that there is a way back up....

And though looking at the top of the mountain from the rocky bottoms below, you may think "how can I ever climb back up" Dont forget that you can do it, that you have support, and people happy to help pull you back up to the top of that mountain.

Your babies are young and i know you feel alot of responsibility for what they are feeling right now, but you can only do your best. You have to keep taking care of you, so that you can be there for them too.

Your children like you said may not understand the situation, but as you also said, they need you, they love you, they just want re affirmation that you will be there for them. I have no right to tell you what to do, and dont mean to, but i do care, and hope that you will keep holding on and never forget that you are dearly loved and deserving of recovery, and more over...peace and happiness, and i do believe in time though you may not be able to see it as a possibility right now, that you will have peace and joy. Maybe that is the last thing you believe or want to hear right now...

but I know in your heart you wouldn't be fighting so hard if you didn't still believe in happiness.

What happened to your husband/friend was a tragedy. It not your fault. I know you know it wasn't your fault, but maybe its something you needed to hear anyway.

If I have been out of line in any way im so sorry.
I just wanted to offer my support and love


Eating Alone said...

Just sending another hug.

Zena said...


Wow!!! Its all I can say, you said what I have been needing to hear,I finally collasped about an hour after writting this post, I was going to get up and delete because I wasnt sure i made sense in my writting (due to the benzos) but Im going to keep here and reread what you wrote when I feel like I cant take another step. I am so sorry for your loss, that is a pain I cant imagine ( well I kinda can I had a miscarriage at age 19, but its not the same thing) I know I can do this, I just hurts, my world is upside down, and I dont know when it will be righted again, and that uncertainity is what is the most scary...thankyou.

thankyou my love, I know its hard to respond to my deperate posts but you always offer something, and if I couold take a hug in RT I would definately take it from YOU!!

Love, Tara

battleinmind said...

I have nothing helpful to say, but I guess I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, my prayers are with you and your family. Although you don't feel strong, I can see strength in you.


firefly said...

Hello My beautiful: How I so wish I could be right there with you. To lighten the heavy load you are carrying. I pray for peace for you and the kids every day. If it's just to get you through the day/moment. You are always with me. In my mind and thoughts just wish I could be there physically because I know you have phone pobia. Keep fighting ! You are worth it and in his time all will be revieled.

jadedchalice said...

Hi again, im so glad i was able to reach out to you. If you want to talk outside of blogger you can email me at and i will give you my real email though i will admit that sometimes my correspondence is faulty, if i see that you need me I will respond.


belinda said...

how did i not relapse (ed wise) thru tragedy? i knew it would make my grief worse for one and two, it wouldn't take my pain away nor bring my boy back to me (which is all i wanted).

i often say that my foundation for getting thru the grief was my anorexia as it showed me that i do have to learn to cope and sit with the most hideous of feelings.

be careful with those benzos honey! i know they are more-ish but accidents can happen and i cannot lose you too.

the images, they are horrendous but they do lessen. i promise you ok! it is hard, really fucking hard but i know you have the strength babe, you do.