Thursday, May 6, 2010

Reminder to self:

When you feel like throwing in the towel...thats when you MUST do the exact OPPOSITE!!!

quick update:

I saw Doc A, my ED doc,and like everyone else on my tx team she too is worried about my weight loss, she is also very pleased with the fact that I am eating and eating well, my vitals are good, B/P a little low but my pulse was okay, my heart is beating NORMALLY, my lungs are working at full capacity, I have no other then the weight loss thing I am healthy, which is good, she asked about the emotional stuff too, as always. She told me how strong she thinks I am, how hard this must be but to do what I am doing despite these horrific circumstances is so incredible. That to put my Recovery ahead of my grief is so commendable she could'nt even even describe how proud she was of me. She wanted me back in 4 weeks (she also spared me the EKG and labs, Thankyou K) although she did say that regardless whatever may occur between now and then that I have to have labs next time I see her, I said fine and was grateful, she ended by saying that I was just an amazing person, and she hopes that someday when I am Recovered I will use my story to inspire people...because if I can recover with my past and present circumstances anyone could! She held open her arms and hugged me very tightly ( and for slightly longer then I expected)...I ended up leaving in tears...and she didnt want me to leave crying, she was willing to sit in the room with me til I regained my composure. I said no, grabbed a tissue, dabbed my eyes, forced a smile and said I was okay. "no, your not...but you will be" she said. she patted my shoulder as I walked out of the room and said "4 weeks okay...and if things start to" "They wont" I said and I walked out to make my appointment.

The nurse looked at my sheet..I hate that because it says your diagnosis "ANOREXIA NERVOSA" I hate it, it makes me want to shrink into myself, "okay so 4 weeks it says"
"uhuh" I say..."hmmmm looks like the first appt. she has is july 1st" "fine" I say, "well maybe I should check with her...maybe she can fit you in somewhere?" "no, I will fine" I say...I know I should have said yes check, but I just wanted to get out of there...I had reached the point where the tears were about to spill...she handed me my apt card and I left fast.

I barely made it to my car before I starting sobbing, why do I lie, why do I say Im okay when clearly I am not, My body is using calories at an alarming rate and its starting to piss me off...and really I am so NOT fine, I ache inside, it hurts everything just hurts, why cant I just tell them that, why do I need to seem so strong. I act fine, so you cant see it, but I need you to know "I AM NOT FINE" I want so badly to show them I am not fine with my body ... words seem so hard, they get stuck in my throat...but I cant use my body I need to use my voice I am practicing here and tomorrow when I see S I will tell her "NO, I AM NOT FINE" My voice are going to have to be enough, my body cant and shouldnt speak for me, I dont want to be sick, I just...I just...I feel like my outside should match my inside and it cant, not now not ever again, and really I pretend to be brave but Im not, Im scared as hell and every step I take feels wobbly like I could fall at any moment...but I need to remind myself, I havent fallen yet, so if I start to crumble and say Im done and am just going to let it go could you guys remind me too, remind me I havent fallen, that I cant, that this is something I must do...its not just an option any more...its my only option.




Anonymous said...

good~ keep sharing with us, please....I will waiting your up date everyday!! Have a nice day........................................

Anonymous said...

i love your writing. so open/honest/raw.

no edema!? That is awesome. Edema is the bane of my exisence!!!

firefly said...

So I hope you are feeling better today. Each day is a struggle but worth it. I have faith in you!

belinda said...

you know your truth honey <3

your courage thru all of this is amazing. i know you can do it because i believe in you.. and me, and together we are doing this under the most hideous of circumstances.

miss you loads my lovely one.

firefly said...

So I'm crying for you and your kids right now. I keep thinking of Alyssa and how her heart is broken. It makes me so sad. I found this book called, My Little Book of Dear God Letters, We're Depending On You. I'll be sending it to you. Here's the page that made me think of Alyssa. Dear God, I think I've got a broken heart..... Can you fix it? The answer well its says Life isn't always going to be good but you can talk to God anytime and he always listens. Think its important for us all to remember this. Put your burdens on him. Happy Mother's Day!!!