Thursday, May 6, 2010


Today I must remember the to breath, AT ALL TIMES!t!!

No matter i what is happening or how I feel.

Despite any and all of what the day may possibly bring I must follow my MP%, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger ...none of those are reasons/emotions to not eat. (dont worry I am still 100% on track).

Yesterday was one of those days where i would have given anything to feel that hunger that would have numbed to the days occurrences.

My children are in so much pain and turmoil and each is acting out in different ways, its so hard to stay on top of what each one needs, The baby cries all the time unless I am holding him or doing exactly as he wants, and I know they are not just I want to be a brat tears but tears of pain fear and sorrow, he will occasionally through out the day say "My daddy died." or "please to ever leave me." I know he is fearful and he is only just three and cant properly verbalize his pain, but I know its there and I have to someone try to comfort and console him.

Zack is struggling so much right now with fear anxiety and yes bouts of extreme rage, where he seems to have the strength of ten men, he throws things, arches his back, grits his teeth, screams these horrific screams, and yes yesterday even flipped over a couch, and there is nothing i can do except to get the other children out of his way and do whatever I can to prevent him from hurting himself, and then as quickly as it comes, he is still and quiet and i hold him and tell him i love him and it WILL be okay...he is so remorseful as he rest his head on my chest saying how sorry he is and repeating over and over how much he loves me, I repeat that its going to be okay, That I love him more then he could ever imagine and I will never leave, and then of course there is the wretched anxiety he feels, he wakes in the middle of the night in a terror that he has developed lumps on him body that will kill him, he begs me to check his body for these lumps and when i do and assure him there are none he still feels no comfort so he lays on me and we pray, pray for the spirit of peace and calmness and that god will take away his fear and bless us with his mercy and grace, I pray to falls asleep again.

Then their is my princess who has become this girl I dont even know, angry, rude, defiant, sad, and yes broken hearted, she will tell you she is broken hearted, ask you if you know why and when you tell her "yes, because your daddy died." she just nods and starts to sob. She hurts her baby brother for the smallest thing, she is so attention seeking that she doesnt care of its negative attention, she wants it anyway...she will do ANYTHING for that attention. Then she will scream and cry That I dont love , and I assure her I love her more then words could say, and she replies "not as much as I love you" I correct her and promise never to leave her, that I will always be here and there is nothing she could do or say to me, that would make me not love her.

Then there is me, sad, grieving, afraid, so unsure,and now yes somewhat angry at what this act that he committed, that can never be taken back has done to my precious, innocent children. They deserve so much more then this torture, and it is up to me ... I am the sole person who can provide this comfort and security to them and I am angry he put this burden on me...I too am afraid that if I were to die suddenly, what would happen to my children, what if a car crashes into me, what if some crazy act of nature snuffs out my life, what if the sky falls down and hits me on the head, what then? who will do what I have to do for them then?

The only positive thing that has come from this horrible tragedy is that I have thrown myself full force into Recovery, and it started out because I had to and has become because I want to. I find myself every day surprised at the strength that lies within me, the strength that was always there, i just wouldnt see it because i was to busy be sick or the victim...

This is the most horrible thing that we will all ever endure ( I pray)one day we will all be okay, but that day is not now, so to anyone who may be reading and you feel that taking your life would be best for everyone around you, if you feel that you cant go on one more moment, I implore to think about those you love and what it would do to them if you did actually take your own life, call someone anyone, a hotline, a doctor, a friend, hell just dial a number and see who answers the phone, sometimes god works in ways we cant understand, maybe that person on the other end will give you just the slightest glimmer of hope that there is human compassion out there. That although the world may seem cruel and unfair, our lives were meant to be, YOU WERE MEANT TO BE!!

Think of the Repercussions of your actions and remember you are loved, and even if you feel you have no one in the world who would care or even miss you, there is a God who loves you more then you could even imagine, and when we hurt he hurts, you are not alone, he will carry you through this storm, all you have to do is ask...I know this to be true for a fact because as I type, as I breath, as i walk everyday he is carrying me.

Love and peace to all.



Eating Alone said...

So sorry for what you and your kids are going threw right now. Wish I could help, but I'll be praying for you and your children.

Stay strong and healthy for your kids. said...

Tara, you're doing a good job taking care of yourself and of your children. I'm so sorry for what you and your kids have to feel. You are all in my thoughts.

sarahlynn said...

All I know is that this will be v. difficult for all of you. *tighthug* Is it possible to bring your kids to a grief/children's therapist to help them work through a little of their pain. Children have so much trouble expressing their thoughts and emotions - and that can carry into damaging ways as they get older. And they may just want to talk to someone besides their Mom. Maybe they blame you. (NOT YOUR FAULT!) Maybe they're afraid of losing you. Maybe they're mad at their Dad and can't understand why.

Still - I am SO glad that this has pushed you towards recovery. I feel the same way about my Mom's death. It feels, sometimes, Wrong - that it wasn't until she died that I seriously thought about getting better - but that is the way things have gone.

You will recover. Just keep trying.

*more hugs*

Zena said...

real brief kids are in therapy that was the first thing I did...get them help...I DO NOT want this following them or haunting them all the days of their life. its just everything is so crazy, one minute all is well the next sheer chaos, they witnessed allot of violence (from their father toward me) so that may be one of the reasons my son is acting out so violently, after his sunday episode my mother talked with him saying "I know you are sad, and angry and maybe even a little relieved that daddy died, and I know those are scary feelings"...he just looked her and must be so confused to feel relief that his dad is gone...he feels exactly the way I hurts very much...okay on my way to soccer per usual...sigh

firefly said...

Hey Soccer Mom(lol)
I'm just happy that you are getting the kids help. Yes, that isn't going to resolve everything at once. It takes time. Be patient and remember you are loved!

Alexandra Rising said...

Thinking of you, Tara <3