Im to exhausted to write out a complete post, just know that today like every other day is hard.
It is especially hard on firsts...like our first mothers day without him...
yes its mothers day...it should be about me...but its not, its about the hole he left in me and my children when he left us, when he took his life and my job of being a mother all the harder.
Every day we wake up and it is a first day without out him for something...whether it be the first for a soccer game or the day I wake up and eat breakfast without thinking twice, or its the first time they get a report card for this quarter...it all hurts, everything hurts...and it hurts all the more because I know he choose this, he choose to leave us, he choose for me to be an only parent...he...he...he made this choice and didnt ask me what I thought...I think he should have at least asked...after all this WAS my life too.
I ache inside.
I ache for my children.
I ache for myself.
I ache for his parents.
I ache for the grandchildren we will have.
I ache for every moment that has a hole in it because of this choice he made.
I cant turn back time, and I dont want to. yes I wish he didnt hang himself. But I dont wish him to be back. He was cleary miserable and saw no way out so I wouldnt want him to be in that much pain, and really i dont wish for the pain that he caused me to be back, but i do wish that somehow...someway...things had been different...
Thanks Mike...thanks for making this my first mothers day as an only parent, thanks for not being here to remind the kids to wish me a "happy mothers day" thanks for being here to tell me Im doing a good job, thanks for making this day which should be special for me, thanks for making it about you, the hole you created, and the hole you will never again be able to fill.
If I sound bitter, its because I am.
I now have the sole responsibility of molding these 3 precious children into productive members of society...thanks thanks allot.
So now I need help, I need help from you guys, I need help from everyone around me...I need help...and I hate it...I hate that now I have to ask...
so please guys help me...encourage me when I feel like it couldnt be any worse...tell me if you think im making a mistake, help fill the void he left...I really dont know where else to turn, no one around me seems to get it...allot of people think I should be doing well...or that I AM doing well.
Newsflash: I AM NOT WELL... and JUST BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE IT TOGETHER.... I DONT!!!!
so please...PLEASE HELP ME..
I know, so pitiful