Sunday, May 9, 2010

I need help...

Im to exhausted to write out a complete post, just know that today like every other day is hard.

It is especially hard on firsts...like our first mothers day without him...

yes its mothers day...it should be about me...but its not, its about the hole he left in me and my children when he left us, when he took his life and my job of being a mother all the harder.

Every day we wake up and it is a first day without out him for something...whether it be the first for a soccer game or the day I wake up and eat breakfast without thinking twice, or its the first time they get a report card for this quarter...it all hurts, everything hurts...and it hurts all the more because I know he choose this, he choose to leave us, he choose for me to be an only parent...he...he...he made this choice and didnt ask me what I thought...I think he should have at least asked...after all this WAS my life too.

I ache inside.

I ache for my children.

I ache for myself.

I ache for his parents.

I ache for the grandchildren we will have.

I ache for every moment that has a hole in it because of this choice he made.

I cant turn back time, and I dont want to. yes I wish he didnt hang himself. But I dont wish him to be back. He was cleary miserable and saw no way out so I wouldnt want him to be in that much pain, and really i dont wish for the pain that he caused me to be back, but i do wish that somehow...someway...things had been different...

Thanks Mike...thanks for making this my first mothers day as an only parent, thanks for not being here to remind the kids to wish me a "happy mothers day" thanks for being here to tell me Im doing a good job, thanks for making this day which should be special for me, thanks for making it about you, the hole you created, and the hole you will never again be able to fill.

If I sound bitter, its because I am.

I now have the sole responsibility of molding these 3 precious children into productive members of society...thanks thanks allot.

So now I need help, I need help from you guys, I need help from everyone around me...I need help...and I hate it...I hate that now I have to ask...

so please guys help me...encourage me when I feel like it couldnt be any worse...tell me if you think im making a mistake, help fill the void he left...I really dont know where else to turn, no one around me seems to get it...allot of people think I should be doing well...or that I AM doing well.

Newsflash: I AM NOT WELL... and JUST BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE IT TOGETHER.... I DONT!!!!

so please...PLEASE HELP ME..

I know, so pitiful

pitifully yours,

Tara

6 comments:

firefly said...

Today is about you! Give yourself some credit. I'm glad you are able to admit that you need help. If you just say that though it doesn't tell people how they can help. Specifics are good. Do you need someone to take the kids for a few hours? Need someone to eat with you? Want ideas with the kids? I'm sure if you said I need two hours to be by myself people would help. People want to help they just don't know what to do or say. I think some people may be afraid of upsetting you too. Does your team really know how you are doing? Remember honesty is the only way out of ed. I love you!

lisalisa said...

you are a good mom! You are the one who is not giving up! You didn't ask for the hand that was dealt you, and you are playing it bravely. Remember, it hasn't been that long since he died. Days will pass. years will pass. Life will get normal again.

((hug))

battleinmind said...

You are doing such a good job considering the horrific circumstances. You are totally justified in feeling so angry. But time will pass. And with time comes healing. You are ea GOOD person who has had bad things happen to you, don't blame yourself, you are doing really well in such a hard situation.
xxxx

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Tara,
I'm sorry you are going through this. Just remember to ask for help when you need it (I mean professional help) and realize your recovery not only affects you, but your three children.

It will get behind, but there's no set timetable of when it will get better. You are going to continue experience highs and lows, and you will heal at your own pace.

{{{Hugs}}}
Angela

Zena said...

Thankyou so much for all the wonderfully supportive comments!!! ((hugs to you all)) Im not quite sure WHAT it is that I need but I know i need it...thanks for hearing me, for being there, for understanding..when I figure out what i need I will be sure to let you all know, right now I just think I need everyone (in RT) to know I am not okay, that I am very good at masking and putting up a front but inside...I feel like a very old cave just waiting for the slightest movement to make me crumple, but I havent crumbled yet..Im still here, still standing...so I will continue doing just what I am doing in hopes that one day I will not feel so bad...

I see K today...(aka: weigh day) I woke up anxious (very) wasnt sure why til I realized it was monday...in 2.5 hours I will know how well my body wants to work with me, dont know what I want, to lose to be stable..I feel damed if I do and damed if I dont...so hey Eating Disorder, back the hell off, let Tara control her thoughts...she knows whats right, let her believe it!!!

I will be posting pictures of "my rational mind" box...Im even going to show you whats in it..its really has been helping me make it through the times where I just feel so overwhelmed I cant breath...okay bus time.

Love to you my sweet friends

Alexandra Rising said...

Happy Mother's Day: You ARE a good mom and you are doing the best that you can during a very tough time. I admire you for that.