Tuesday, May 18, 2010

All of the is's have been changed to was...

It has been a very difficult few days...weeks...months... we were fit into an emergency appointment with the children's therapist, they, all of them have been having such a hard time and I say hard time hoping that you will all know that by "hard time" I mean dreadful, with each having their own issues but mainly they (Alyssa and Zack) have been so angry, aggressive, violent, rageful and really just so unmanageable that I just do not know what to do anymore, nothing is working...It will in time I know...but right now I feel like I have no time, that this is urgent, that if things dont change, Zack is going to seriously hurt someone, mainly me, and Alyssa well she will just .... continue to be so cruel and angry that the wall she is building will never be able to be broken down.

Zack's is either so full of violent rage or all consuming fear, I never know what to expect, either way its awful, hes either panicked on my lap, crying because he is so afraid that he is sick or dying, or has cavities that he just sobs on me and begs me to never let him go or leave him or he is throwing things at me, screaming, kicking, hitting, biting.....in such a rage that I know he scares himself.

Alyssa also has 2 personalities either she hates me, wishes me to be the dead parent, screams at me, and just blatantly defiant or she is crying for me to never leave or to hold her ( and by hold her I mean like a baby...she is not small, she is 7 weighs about 70 pounds and is built like a brick) I cant physically hold her like she wants to be, it hurts me, I do it for as long as I can and when I am forced (by physical pain) to put her down she lashes out at me screaming that I hate her or she hates me, whichever she feels at the moment.

about an hour ago I had one of those "hit by brick" moments where I could feel the weight of the world on me, everyones weight, it took my breath away, and left me gasping for air amidst the flow of tears streaming from my eyes....I was paying our bill at the Therapists office, scheduling appointments way into the future just to be sure...Alyssa tugs at me ....I put my finger up to tell her one minute.... she pushes a piece of paper in front of me, and tells me to read it, I recognized it, it was the story she had written the night before only it was different now, when she read it to me the night before I held back my tears because I knew that what she had written no longer was true, she wrote in the present tense. She wrote as if he were still here still doing all the things in her story....I did not correct her...how could I? But the story was different after her appointment... all of the is's were changed to was....and I realized in that moment that hers, zacks, isaiahs, mine...all of our "is's" have been changed to "was".

Nothing will ever be the same.

There is no good Mike, Loving father, hard worker, husband, son, brother, uncle, grandson....everything that was used to describe him, is now a "WAS" he is no longer any of those things.

Yes I know he was other not so nice things too, but I dont want to talk about it, so please dont remind me...Im not choosing to only remember the good...I know there are both things he will never be again but right now I as are my children are grieving the good. We are are here, he is not and everything that we ever knew has all become a "was"....

I cant even begin to tell you how that feels, or how it is impacting my children....NOTHING is or will ever again be the same.

I am broken as are they.

I can be brave, I can function, I can cry in my room at night and live as I should durning the day, really I have no other option....but I am a grown up and they are children...how? Someone please tell me how they will ever be okay again...I am reading this book that says grieving children, their process takes so much longer then adults, because with each year that they gain intelligence and grasp more of what they have lost, they have to grieve all over again, and it is GOING to happen, on their birthdays, his birthdays, proms, graduations, weddings, the birth of their own children, they will grieve. They grieve the very fact that they do not have a father, that they did, but no longer do....

All of their "is's" have been changed to "was", and that will NEVER change !

and I ...well I am so so broken, everything that was once is no more, and now all of my "is's"have been changed to "was". I do not know where to walk, I am afraid to speak for fear it might shatter a memory...so I sit here at my computer and write because speaking seems to dangerous...everything is now different, and really i dont know how to do this, really i thought i did, but today i realized i dont, perhaps this is what is meant by the term "the second wave"....I feel it all over again...and what really pains me...is that they do to...

3 comments:

firefly said...

Tara: Ive read lots of stuff about the grieving process for children too. It is going to be a long process and yes those children may never get over their dad's death. You are doing a good job trying to get them the help they need. You guys will have lots of was but hopefully you and the kids will come to a place of is and be able to look back on was and think I'm missing it but I'm living a happy now and it is ok. Zach seems to do good when he knows what to expect. You said he does well in school. Is it because he can count on that same structure everyday? The rules at school is the same for all and he is craving more of a routine at home. Does the school have a summer program? What did their t say about big brothers and big sisters?I know it is really hard right now. Hang in there and may God give you peace to get through these days.

Eating Alone said...

Hug. Can't give any adive just a hug.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I wish I could over more than that, but know I am thinking of you and your family and you are in my prayers. {{{Hugs}}}

Angela