Tuesday, May 4, 2010

What I was...What I am ....What I will be...

I was:

The girl/women who would run 10 miles in the morning before anyone was up.

The girl/women who would eat 300-400 calories a day.

The girl/women who would weigh herself at least 10 times a day.

The girl/women who would feel that the 10 miles was not enough by 2pm and anxiously await the arrival of her husband whom she would lie to and say she hadnt run yet and need to run to have a break for the kids and to "run off the anxiety".

The girl/women who was the wife of an alcoholic husband.

The/girl/women who went in and out of tx centers NEVER wanting to really recover.

The girl/women of three beautiful children who were put 2nd to her Eating disorder.

The girl/women who would hide at night and eat a half dozen donuts and then proceed to vomit in the bathroom so no one would no my dirty little secret.

The girl/women who lied to everyone to keep her Eating Disorder.

The girl/women who was in complete and utter DENIAL.

Who I am now:

The mother of Three beautiful children who come first 100% of the time.

The widow of an alcoholic husband.

The Women who is completely honest about EVERYTHING!!! Because she has learned that secrets keep you sick.

The Women who has an anxiety disorder, and fully acknowledges it!

The women who is in Recovery from her Eating disorder because she chooses to be so not because she was forced into tx.

The women who wants to live.

The women who knows the right thing to do and actually does it.

What I will be:

The mother of three beautiful children.

The widow of an abusive alcoholic husband who has forgiven him for what he had done and for choosing to end his own life.

The women who is RECOVERED from her Eating disorder.

The women who may feel anxious at times but knows and USES the skills to prevent her from feeling out of control.

The women who fights for what she believes in...and wins!!!

The women who uses her story of pain and her journey into and through Recovery to inspire others.

The women who fought against all odds and WON!!

The women who smiles at the small things.

The women her appreciates all that she has gone through because she knows it made her stronger and gave her the ability to become who she is today.

The women who writes her book and sees it published.

The women who finds love, isn't afraid of it, embraces it, and loves back.

The women who I was always meant to be!!!!

yes I know there have been 2 posts in one day...(my sisters taking an exam so I have access to my computer) I have had allot of thoughts lately...I could really write like 5 posts today but I wont because soon my boy will be home from school, and he needs me to be the good mom that I already am. Please read both posts as the first one is a struggle (i'm doing it though) and this one...well I just think I needed to "say" it. You know so I don't somehow forget!!

Love to all,



Blu said...

i don't really have words for how this post made me feel. joy. there's a word. i'm so honored to know you. i read this and all i could think is, peace is every step. i tell myself that so many times a day, when i'm doing well and wanting to recover. i haven't been trying so hard lately, and was just sitting here procrastinating calling a nutritionist to make an appointment. it's been a year in deciding to take that step, she's already talked to my therapist, just waiting for my call. and i felt paralyzed and didn't want to do it. then i read this. and now i'm going to take a deep breath and pick up the phone. then i'm going to make a list similar to this, who i was, what i am, and what i will be... hmm...

lisalisa said...

I really, really liked this post. Made me think about what i would write about who I want to be.

battleinmind said...

You've come so so far. You should be very proud of yourself. Keep going lovely, you're doing so well.

Alexandra Rising said...

Beautiful, beautiful entry.

neurogeek said...


I follow your blog and I just wanted to tell you that this blog post was truly inspiring to me. It makes me have hope that I can overcome my eating disorder and, as others have said, makes me think about the person I will be in the future. Thank you for sharing this!!

firefly said...

Go Tara! Keep reading this and creating it as afirmation. The times you don't want to do it read this and know you can do it!

Zena said...

Thank you Guys, thank you very much, thank you for believing in me, that you for always supporting me through the good and the bad (mostly bad) thank you for telling me that it gave you some courage, or strength or just small tid bit of hope, we will ALL recover!!! one day we will ALL be the people we were meant to be.

Our eating Disorders will be a thing we had in the past, they yes will be a part of what made you were will become but it will make us all the stronger for it.

There are days I think its not fair and why me? But I am in a way grateful for my eating disorder because when I do recover and truly live my MY LIFE. I will savor every moment all the more. It will make my victory all the sweeter, it will do the same for all of you.

I am not going to lie, this is most definatly a struggle a struggle within myself, but I have finally somehow found the courage, strength, motivation to do this, but I am not alone in my struggle, I have my tx team (who I will be writing posts about and truly "introducing" you to them), I have my family and of course my friends yes my Real time friends who I see in person, but I include you guys in that group because even though I dont see you I "know" you through you writing your thoughts, joys, struggles and pains, I probably "know" you all better then i "know the people who see me on a daily/weekly basis.

I know I still have miles ahead of me, but there are also miles behind me, im not turning around, i am walking foward, I know that I have a destination, WE ALL DO!! One day we will all arrive there and will be all the stronger for having traveled this road...together.

All my love,


zubeldia said...

go go Tara!

Liv said...

Beautiful - thanks for such inspiration!