Saturday, January 31, 2009

So I hear you want to quit...

REcovery is hard, like you all didnt know that. Thsi is the point after I leave IP where I deciede its to hard and I want to give up. yep that seems about right 2 weeks after IP and Iam ready to throw in the towel...what a sucker I am...listening to that voice that actually uses my thoughts against me...

ME: This is to hard

ED: IT is I can help you

ME: BUT ED your way never worked before

ED: I have the power I will help you this time...I promise

ME: I cant I have to stay strong, please leave me alone

ED: I hear you want to quit, let me help you, follow me you will be strong and powerful once again

ME: I cant, I want to but I just cant PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

ED: I will always be here

ME: but I am putting my ear plugs in ...leave me alone

this is what I am hearing all fucking day, its never ending really and I know I cant go back and i am really trying but god its so hard. I havent eaten breakfast yet and I know I must its after 10 am.

My symptom usage is startingto grow i purged again last night thats two times this week...fuck, I know I need to plant off and push as K would say but for heavans sake it s hard.

I made the decision to keep seeing K while I am at program...I see her once a week and as long as insurance covers it I need the support, I feel like I am a fish floundering in the shallow water with out a clue how to make it back to deep waters...ugh

In other news yestersay was pajama day at the Z mans preschool...they got to watcha movie and eat popcorn and play in thier PJs all day...what fun, then he had a play date with Alex, while I was at program they played for 5 hours and I think it was really good for him to get some boy time, they played transformers all day and he didnt want to leave..that was great, no really I was glad he had such a good time, and it gave me a chance to talk to a non ED personat least for a little was nice.

A and I spent the day with my richy sister and they went out to luch and out to a cafe for desert...she has an outi, however you spell that kind of car..let me tell you not a kid car...had to put the top down to get the car seats in, it was quite a site, in the dead of winter me with her top down and still struggeling to wrangle the seats in..oh boy that was fun. well the kids had a good time and thats whats important.

I miss S ( S is my T for all you new readers) I miss her terriably...we emailed back and fortth a little the other day and she said she was proud of all the progress I am making...but man I cant wait til I can see her again...

okay I guess I really need to eat something...


i hate Eds


Thursday, January 29, 2009

Plant off and PUSH!!

so those are the words dear K said to me yesterday. she means get your feet ready and push off the bottom cause the only way from here is up. Wise words. I feel like my feet are stuck, like someone, dont know who glued them to the floor and I cant push off.

fuckerdy fuck...this got really hard, like I knew it would, I am staving off the purging demon with every meal I take. Im fustrated cause my body image sucks!!! my IP T said I might be one of those people who NEVER get the body image piece...whoa...bummer for me, not the news I wanted to hear....SO folks here I am trying to push off the bottom with my supports just falling by the wayside. what do I mean you ask well its bad enough I cant see S while in PHP but they brought it up in team, as to why I still see K when I have a N up in program..they want me to NOT see her while I am in thier program...WTF, Im not allowed Xtra support.

yeah yeah I get why they dont want me to see her...conflicting MP s and all but she sticks to the same plan as them the same 2000 calories...the same no holds bar foods she is just UBBER suportive of me, calls me to give extra support when needed, allows me to call her for MT support or when I feel like I am going to purge, she just so delectably wonderful that I cried when I called her yesterday to tell her and to seek her oppinion. SHe said it should be my choice and that she no way wants to infringe on my tx in php but she also said she wouldnt take the decision out of my hands...she would leave it up to me and let me make up my own mind.

For fucks sake I NEED her support!!!

I am so bumming right here I am tring to plant off and push and damit someone glued my feet to the who would go and do a thing like that...oh I can tell you who is name is ED and hes a pisser I tell you, he pisses on me, pisses me off, gets my dame feet wet, after hes glued them to the floor and let me tell you that can put a girl in a real foul mood!!!

SO whats a pissed on , pissed off, wet footed, super glued to the floor girl supposed to do?? well I guess I need to take off my shoes.. (novel Idea) and jump... out the ED wagon...dry off and plant and push off.

now if I could just figure out how to get the knot out of my laces...

Love, Z

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tuesday night meltdown

fuck why is tuesday such a trigger??

I know why cause M sees is T on tuesday night and I think the dude is trying to sabatoge our relationship...he knows nothing about EDs so he doesnt get the body image/I dont want to have sex thing. I mean geez if I cant look at myself in the mirror how am going to let anyone else. ANd yes I am working on this in T and yes it is hard but I am working on it I swear!!

Anyway this dude tells him things like I am crazy and that I must not really love him and such, like my Ed is some kind of rouse...damit it pisses me off, but I want M to keep seeing someone I m just not sure this is the right guy for him, ya know?? M is also going to see about maybe getting someone for to the world...all the boys and girls...come on sing it with me now...

anyway back to my tuesday night freakout ( by the way I had one monday night too but I called K and she talked me through it) I was so triggered maybe by the appointment M had maybe cause I was manic all day, maybe cause I just need to be busy or ED creeps in, who knows but I was a little iffy on my MP throughout the day skipping part of a snack here and there, and my kids were all having there evening snack (GLAZED DONUTS) yes I know they are yummy but to me they are still a "bad" food yes I know DONT LABEL FOODS, but I still do but I digress, I tasted a bit of one and then another and before I knew I had hovered 1 and half of the delectable little devils, well as you can imagine I freaked, ran to the bathroom and purged.shit.

I was so pissed at myself after, like geez after all I have learned I know a donut or 2 wont make me fat, but still that black and white thinking got me and I was like the day is ruined might as well get rid of it. so there you have it folks my tuesday night meltdown, in short form...I journaled about it after and came to the conclusion that I expended way to much energy yesterday and didnt take in enough sugar so of course my body was craving sugar..I gave it to it but not the right kind.

Well ladies I am back on the wagon today...breakfast in a half hour...and PHP at 11,

oh and to top things off last night I had two puking kids I was waiting for the third to join in but he remained safe!! thankgod I coulnt handle 4 pukers in one day...the baby projected vomited all over me...thank god A made it to the bathroom, so that s it folks another fun day in the land of Zena.



and manic cleaning

yep fun stuff

Love, Z

Monday, January 26, 2009

REcovery is yummy

I never thought that I would enjoy recovery at least a part of it..but you know what I just had some oatmeal with apple and it was delicious!!!I was a little scared as I have a fear of starches but it was good and it made me feel good that I over came that fear, the baby and I both had oatmeal only his was a bluberry mix.

The part of Recovery I hate is the ( couldnt be all positve cause then I just would nt be in and I have that this morning, I so wanted to restrict my breakfast so my wieght wouldnt be as high but you know what it doesnt matter I need to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE that I might be one of those people who never get over the body image issue and I just need to do what is right despite the feelings of disgust.

I have followed my MP since my discharge with just one slip the day I was discharged,and I had to fill out a BCA for it I narrowed down the triggers and figurede out what caused the slip. S emailed me and we talked about doing this not just for my body but for my mind as well. That all parts of me deserve to be respected.

meaning not taking an of my dads manipulitve crap. I was suppossed to go to his work to pick up some stuff he bought for me while I was IP and he was told (by me...I know way to use my voice) that he wasnt allowed to visit. They said if I didnt do it they would and I thought the blow would be easier to take from me. Any way I "forgot" to stop by. Whether conciously or subconciously I didnt want to expose my self to his abuse. Its now a very passive aggressive way of manipulating me...he keeps talking about forgiving and forgetting the past but I am not ready to do that...I havent worked through the trauma yet, and I am not so sure as being a baby in Recovery that I am ready too.

So Recovery is yummy back to the reason I started to write this post, I am enjoying food. most of the time. Dont worry I still have my fears, like wenesday is pizza day at PHP. eeeekkkkk, but a group of us girls are going to do it together and that should make the whole thing allot more easy to deal with.

SO guys I have another question..How do you work throught teh food fears, I have this real thing with combination foods, like I could eat dough...sauce and cheese seperatly but together I am a wreck..I know I just need to get past the fear but geez its so hard.

Mike (M) is being so great, he hasnt had a drink in 2 weeks and I am so proud of him!!!. We are goign to start marriage counceling as soon as I am done doing PHP and he has his 2nd apt with Dr. F tomorrow, I hope it goes well...he thinking about maybe going on meds to help with his anxiety and rage, which I think will be a great thing. Guys I am struggeling but at the same time I am so happy. will this last?? I dont know but I am going to take it one step at a time, use all the support I can and make teh most of my time at PHP...Iam going to do it this time guys really I am. Oh and the best part is M said if I start to fall again he will get me to the hospital sooner instead of fighting to keep me home...thankgod his mind has...thankgod my mind has changed!!!

Love, Z

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I am really doing it

today is the fifth day since leaving IP that I have followed my MP 100% I am so freaking proud of myself and I owe it partly to you all have been so encourging...I thank all of you.


I was watching this program on the food network called, well shit I cant remember what is was called but anyway it talked about the "calorie Rastriction diet", that it will help you to live Resembles Anorexia, Is it just to control ones food ...well duh..yes she is so controling her food. She wieghs every thing down to the .01 ounce. She had a birthday cantaloupe, no cake, just a big old fruit with candles in it...Now I am an admitted Anorexic/Bulimic and well I could use it as an a excuse that it will help me live longer to restrict, except I know it will kill me...where is the logic?? what do you guys think??

Love, Z

Friday, January 23, 2009

Dad shit...continued

SO the trauma of my childhood is comeing back to haunt me, both my IP and OP providers want me to spend at least 6 months away from him. How do I do that?? He made a suprize visit with my sister while I was IP and I was really thrown for a loop I had a mini panic attack and the DRs up there put him on a do not contact list, that in itself was pretty scary.

okay so I am going to say I was traumatized by my father as a child he ruled with an iron fist, emotionally and physicaly. when I was 11 he stuck his toungue down my throat...and I cant seem to get over it. I dont know if anything else happened as I have blocks of memories missing. But what ever happened I have always been a 11 year old when it comes to my father. I have never been able to use my voice with him as he makes me feel like a child, and I am afraid of him.

He keeps talking about forgetting the past and forgiving and moving on ( he became a preacher a year ago) I dont know what to think or what to believe...why does he keep saying forget the past...why?? Part of me wants to know teh whole truth and part of me just wants to keep it hidden...why hurt myself even more, but all the therapists say that unless I deal with the PTSD I will never get better..well shit thats a hell of a prognosis. SO folks I am at a cross roads I want to get better but I dont want to confront my father...any advice??

In other news I am doing really well with my program and I am being honest with everyone as to where I was, which is really big for me as ED s thrive in secrecy...I have learned so much about myself and my diseases. I not only have an ED but BPD, and Bipolar type 2, plus the PTSD stuff, whew I am allot to

I found out that Ms new T wanted to see him 2xs a week but will settle for once right now so he goes back next tuesday I think it will be a really good thing for him, actually for us!

and last but not least I went to see TOBY KIETH biggest and baddest tour and might I just say it was AMAZING!!!! I love TOBY KIETH ...hes my boyfriend for those of you who didnt know...hahaha. Mike knows and hes okay with I am taking today off from PHP to have a stay and play date at the Z mans preschool and I am pretty excited...I have missed allot of time with the kiddies and Iam just glad to be home...okay off to change a diaper and clean the bathroom...then snack time!!!

Love, Z

Thursday, January 22, 2009

an update

ugh..the weighing every day is driving me bananas....but aside from that I am doing pretty well. yesterday was my first full day in php, it went well, I have lunch and a snack there and it was okay, scary but okay!, I had dinner with the mum, and that too went well. They want to work on trauma stuff which I am not quite sure how to deal with that its scary to think about the stuff with my dad, they put him on a "not allowed to visit:" list after him and my sister made a suprize visit and I freaked out before and after they left...big time after, they almost had to sedate me...but the prn worked and i calmed down...

SO whats going on :

Lets bullet:

* The Z man is acting out in anger, he keeps saying he hates me one minute and he loves me the next, he has taken to hitting himself and thats scary...he hasnt been listening in school and I think we are thinking about taking him to see someone...he needs some one to talk too even though hes only 4 he has got a llot of anger issues!

* M went to see a therapist for the first time on tuesday night and I think it went really well, he seems to like the guy and they talked for an hour and a half,so that os good. They are going to work on his anger and insecurity issues, and of coursethe drinking.

* WE have decieded to go see a marriage therapist...YEAH YEAH HIP HIP HORRAY!!!!! I want our marriage to work and teh only way that will happen is if we get some mediation and soem serious therapy but on the upside i do love my husband and I want to work out I really do.

* I have been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, borderline personality disorder, and Bulimia suptype purging, it feel wierd be diagnosed without AN since I do restrict so much but I also purge ALLOT so that s what they dianosed me with and I am okay with that I mean an ED is An ED its NOT WHO I AM!!!! its just a problem I fight with.

* A is doing really well in school, she is learning how to read and it s so exciting watching her sound out words, she may need glasses but thats okay we will deal with it, she says no one will be her friend if she wears glasses but the truth is she is very popular, she gets invited to all the partys...but her binge eating is getting out of control I had to go buy her a bunch of knew clothes last night cause none of her new jeans from X-mas fit her...its hard for me to deal with but I am not saying anything I am just trying to divert her attention to other things and ask her what she is feeling, I dont want to deny for fear it will have her grow up thinking certain food s are bad, my mother did that to me and I dont want to repeat the cycle.

* Baby I still isnt talking much and I think he is starting to get into his terriable 2s a little early I think but of the fustration comes from not being able to talk...he understands every thing you say and the doc says thats what matters...he says NO real well and its getting a little old.

* I like my T up at php..I have worked with her, three times before and she is the one who wants to do the trauma work that I dont think I am ready for, they took me out of the trauma group and said we will work on boundry issues. The good news Is I dont want to die anymore which in my opinnion is a very good thing.

* I already had breakfast in fact I had it at 7:30 so I am right on schedule...I am doing this folks really this will be the last time, have faith in me ...I need all the back up I can!!!

Love, Z

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I2 days

its a wonder what 12 days of nutrition will do...I had some great groups ate some really scary food and gained three pounds and a llot of knowledge. I feel really good physically, mentally still not that great but I am more clear headed and aware of what is going on...I start php tomorrow so I am doing the step down program, I havent purged in nearly 2 weeks and I am really proud of that...I will up date more later just wanted to let you all know I am alive and doing well

Love, Z

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I might be going in the hospital

Today S said either 4 winds or Amc ( albany medical center) I was like niether...she said call DR. A and see if you can get in I go in thursday for an EKG and labs, that will decied where I go ...I cantbelieve its come to this again...I am so sick of this ed. It makes me want to cry i really have to work these programs this time...Im so scared..who will take care of my kids what will they do who will get them to school???

I have so many questions...

I am so frightened and I purged everything I ate today and yesterday...I never made it through yesterdays dinner...I made it a half an hour last night.

S asked me why its so hard this time and I explained its casue I feel so worthless like I dont deserve to feel good...but what about your kids she said ...they deserve a mom...I started to cry cause they do .they deserve better then I can give them right now.

I amso dizzy.


I need to go lay down i will let veryone what happens with the H as soon as I knwo but if I thursday I dont post again youll know where I am...the big H
Im tired now I think I need to lie down.

Love, Z

Monday, January 5, 2009

Todays goals

per Zubys suggestion I amgoing to write outmy pro anna thought sand then challange...

here goes nothing

I am fat and need to starve til wenesday....that will only get me in the hospital and that would mean more time away from my kids

laxitives make you feel light and free....they cause you pain and make you sick

I want to be thin...I am a healthy wieght for my body and I need to stay here

Thin is everything...NO my family is everything!!!!********

I want to die.... NO I have to much to live for...M,A,Z,I

okay those are the thought running through my brain as i sit here and type...

goals for today include to hydrate, not purge and drink 2 boosts

to clean my house and do laundry and the dishes

to spend time with my kids

read some of the book I got " the shack"

thats it folks wish me luck!!!
LOve, Z

Saturday, January 3, 2009


I had a major meltdown last night..Im talking major. I emailed S and she called me and she talked to me for like a a half an hour I feel so bad her haveing to bother with me on her vacation but she sat and talked with me and had me drink a boost while I was talking to her, I got about half of it down and I felt a little better. she talked to Mike for a little while I dont know what they talked about...but it seemed to help him a little...I sobbed to S that he said if I go into the hospital again he will kick me out of the house and make me stay at my mothers. Today he is being all nice and I just dont know what to do I feel like a lost puppy. I emailed S this morning my agenda for the day I have accomplished most of it , I still need to clean the bathroom..oh joy!!

but back to the meltdown...He was talking about me leaving in front of A and finally after being bagered long enough I agreed to leave...but here I am still...A was a basket case...I slept in her bed with her last night as I was afriad to leave her like I may never see her again...I was so sad. Z man and the baby all fell asleep in A's room so there we were a meltdown mother a basket case daughter and two boys all crled up in one was peaceful there with my babies...I wish I could find that peace durning the day So I wouldnt feel so alone.

I have plans to go out with a friend tonight...I dont want to go I want to isolate but I know that would be bad thats what keep me stuck in this visious cycle of restrict...B/P...restrict...and so on. SHe is the childrens pastor at our church and I have known her since I was 2...I told her I was struggleing so she said we could just talk...I need to talk this out, I hope she is understanding...what am I saying I know she will be, she is an awesome person whom I love dearly.

M took my pills last night my meds...well actually I gave them to him so I wouldnt do any thing stupid with them...he hid them in the broken dishwasher...funny huh?? I couldnt find them this morning and I laughed when he told me where he had put them...oh well S told me to be real and to stop being ridiculous..taht this ed is keeping me in a revolving door of choas and I am inclined to agree...I threw away my laxitives last least its a step in the right direction.

and I am going to eat something soon...its almost 2 so I really need to...maybe a boost...

Love, Z

Friday, January 2, 2009

Viable options

when you feel like umm your world could collapse at any second what do you do??

A) stay in bed all day ( did that yesterday, plus I didnt feel good)

B) sit down and have a good cry

c) take too many prescription meds

d) wish you were dead

e) clean

I will go with E cause why?? well cause I have kids and my house is a mess and cause I have kids and they need a mom and cause I have kids and it would put them in T if I killed myself...notice a theme here...those darn kids keep me here...

I am so anxious I could cry or scream I dont know which??

I ran out of creamer for my coffee and had to use milk fucker...extra unneeded calories...we are so broke casue christmas sucks and I keep hearing that song cow girls dont cry and I think why??? why do they teach us not to cry...what is so wrong with crying...I wish I could sleep forever...I am no longer sad...just fucking depressed and anxious...sad is better at least you can feel SOMETHING its just blahhhh...

yeah well happy new year folks its already a doozy here in the land of Zena.

Love Z