wowser did we have a great session!!!! SO lets see if I can remember all we talked about...hmmmm she started off saying three things to me: first she said catch me up on symptom use, which I did....some purging, some restricting, no exercise and of course she was thrilled because my reduction in symptom use is phenomal, i went from purging 5-6 xs a day to 2-3 timee a week she was thrilled about that. Of corse she said the ultimate goal is to make teh behavior nil as in gone completely, becasue we know what a slippery slope it can be for me...like one slip and down I start to tumble, kinda like jack and jill if you will.
So her second question was what did you learn a seemily obvious question as she hasnt seen me in 5 weeks. BOy did I have allot to say, I mean I could nt stop talking about all I learned, all about DBT skills, and Radical acceptance, and doing tons of BCAs, learning all about my triggers, like I KNOW 4 pm is a very vulnerable time for, we decieded ( and ofcourse to consult K) it might be a blood sugar thing and maybe I need to eat a snack around that time like a planned snack not one that I would feel guilty about, cause I guess a drop in blood sugar can feel allot like a panic attack and because my hunger cues arent yet where they need to be I might not be able to tell the difference..hmmm something to ponder a little more.
So then her third question was what needs to change and she was like you have changed so much but lets go there anyway so we did and to my suprize she is all for following the DBT moduale that I have coem to knwo and work with very well. We continue to do daily diary cards and I must bring them into each session and of course any time I engage in a behavior such as restricting, purging or body checking ( my form of weighing) I will need to fill out a BCA (behavior chain analysis) and bring it into our session. I am also to check in at least once a week by email even though I see her every tues and friday, she really wants me to check in friday night and give her my weekend plan as to keep me focused on my goals!
We also talked about having daily (albiet small) goals I can achieve every day, todays goals were to clean kitchen, bathroom and playroom, SO far I have all done but the playroom, go me. and to add to the agenda I am suppossed to do soemthing every day (excluding computer time) that has to do with living my "REAL" life, today will be watching the kids paly in the pool and the yard after the baby lays down for a nap...whew...we talked about allot and she is wicked proud of how I have been able to articulate my needs and wants and desires...for not only RECOVERY but for life in general.
I know this was a semi boreing post but I wanted to express how well I am actually doing compared to yesterday whiner of a post.
Okay much love my peeps
Z
Showing posts with label ED recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ED recovery. Show all posts
Friday, July 10, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
"I wish she loved me more...
then she hated herself..."
said by the daughter of a women who died from her ED.
I have tryed all dday to think of my kids..thats why i ate my breakfast...lunch and soon to be dinner...I just thought these were very powerful words...
I want so badly to change
I need so badly to change
I need to want to change more then I want to stay stuck...god help me...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, the ability to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference"
Love, Z
said by the daughter of a women who died from her ED.
I have tryed all dday to think of my kids..thats why i ate my breakfast...lunch and soon to be dinner...I just thought these were very powerful words...
I want so badly to change
I need so badly to change
I need to want to change more then I want to stay stuck...god help me...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, the ability to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference"
Love, Z
the path to Recovery BLOWS
thats where I am at folks finding this road bumpy and hard and trying not to self sabotage...however the fuck you spell that. I over ate last night..blahhhh...want to restrict today..know thats not the answer but its what feels "right" you know.
I had one of A's friend spend the night yesterday...which leads to stress..of course cause the 4 of them being so close in age FIGHT like demon children...I tell you like little monsters of course they were up bright and early 6:45 am blahhh and so that's was good for my MP but alas here we are 2 hours later and I have not had breakfast yet..WTF..I need to get my ass on track!!!
I was reading Karasblog and she was talking about sitting with feelings and I was thinking that is exactly what I need to do..sit with it..whatever it is.
i need a bunch of support guys cause yesterday sucked ass and I really need to get back on track today....SUPPORT ME PLEASE!!!
yesterday S and I were talking about grief and loss, How I am grieving the loss of my ED and how sad it makes me, like there is this huge hole in my life and I dont know how to fix it...blahhhh I am so sad guys I miss the comfort my ED brought me..i dont know how to deal...i am so sad...sad I tell you...I amsitting here in my pajamas feeling like a big lump of shit and I dont know how to get out of this rut.Fuck I will not go back I will not!!!
ookay guys SUPPORT ME!! tell me how great I am, and that I can do this cause right now my faith is really wavering.
Love, Z
I had one of A's friend spend the night yesterday...which leads to stress..of course cause the 4 of them being so close in age FIGHT like demon children...I tell you like little monsters of course they were up bright and early 6:45 am blahhh and so that's was good for my MP but alas here we are 2 hours later and I have not had breakfast yet..WTF..I need to get my ass on track!!!
I was reading Karasblog and she was talking about sitting with feelings and I was thinking that is exactly what I need to do..sit with it..whatever it is.
i need a bunch of support guys cause yesterday sucked ass and I really need to get back on track today....SUPPORT ME PLEASE!!!
yesterday S and I were talking about grief and loss, How I am grieving the loss of my ED and how sad it makes me, like there is this huge hole in my life and I dont know how to fix it...blahhhh I am so sad guys I miss the comfort my ED brought me..i dont know how to deal...i am so sad...sad I tell you...I amsitting here in my pajamas feeling like a big lump of shit and I dont know how to get out of this rut.Fuck I will not go back I will not!!!
ookay guys SUPPORT ME!! tell me how great I am, and that I can do this cause right now my faith is really wavering.
Love, Z
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Doing it but shit...
ugh this is day 4!!! yep I said it day 4!!!!
its hard stuff this eating and not purging, what am I feeling...scared as hell. K said she is goignto increase my MP NEXT week...ekkkk, slightly freaking.
why is it so hard for me to want to take care of my body?? I just called my Doc and was like PLEASE call me back I need to know if my potassium is normal cause I do NOT want to keep taking my supplement...blahhhh
I speak with K everyday, and she keeps encouraging me to stay well, and practice self care...which i am trying to do, but...
The voices are screaming and I just want to cry and scream and roll around on the floor like ummm a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. yeah that sounds like a good a idea, a nice tantrum.
I dont know what else to write except this is hard as hell but I am doing it...blahhhh
love, Z
its hard stuff this eating and not purging, what am I feeling...scared as hell. K said she is goignto increase my MP NEXT week...ekkkk, slightly freaking.
why is it so hard for me to want to take care of my body?? I just called my Doc and was like PLEASE call me back I need to know if my potassium is normal cause I do NOT want to keep taking my supplement...blahhhh
I speak with K everyday, and she keeps encouraging me to stay well, and practice self care...which i am trying to do, but...
The voices are screaming and I just want to cry and scream and roll around on the floor like ummm a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. yeah that sounds like a good a idea, a nice tantrum.
I dont know what else to write except this is hard as hell but I am doing it...blahhhh
love, Z
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
SO far SO good
well today is my second purge free day, following my MP 100%. I havent had a "streak" of purge free days in I cant remeber how long. M is being reall great and supportive. We went to see S this morning TOGETHER...and we are doing this..we are taking some of the maudsley approach and mixing in some of our own stuff. Like I am to be made more respobsible for making my own decisions. When I dont want to eat we are to talk it out but in essence i have 2 choices eat or hospital, I am choosing to eat. We are to look to our faith for guidence...we are to go see our pastor well our old pastor for guidence, I think that will really help.
We talked allot about what will be expected from me and what will be expected from M. How he is to start off making the meals but as time goes on I am to start to help and then slowly take over the job. He is to basiclly sit back and watch as I go about my routine as to help me adjust to doing this REcovery in my home enviroment. Once M goes back to work I am to have my morning snack with S and my breakfast with him befoere he leaves for work, Lunch will be with the kiddies and and dinner will either be with M or my mom... but for know I am not to be alone we are like glued at the hip...its actually kind of nice to feel this close to someone, I havent felt this way in a long time.
I see K 2xs this week yesterday ...and tomorrow. SHe made me up a new 1500 cal MP and said to start with that and in a week or 2 we will start to bump it up...I am already freaking about the bump up but I wont think about it now, I have NO need to get ahead of myslef. I am not going to tell you this is going to be all roses but I have a really positive feeling about this.
I am willing to be a willing not willful participant in my REcovery. I see my Pdoc tomorrow and will update her on the situation...of all the weeks events and how poorly I handeled myslef and how I feel now...optomistic... I wonder if some of my bad judgements were because I was slightly manic, I was making rash, impulsive decisions and not thinking clearly, of course it could have all been due to malnutrition as well so we shall see what she has to say.
S was great about evrything and I think she was really suprized about my sudden change of heart. I went from miss doom and gloom to miss...well miss I can!!!I appreciate ALL the support and suggestions everyone has given me, I think this time I am really going to make it...I know I have said this before but I have some faith back and that is a real kicker for me.
Much love to you all,
Z
We talked allot about what will be expected from me and what will be expected from M. How he is to start off making the meals but as time goes on I am to start to help and then slowly take over the job. He is to basiclly sit back and watch as I go about my routine as to help me adjust to doing this REcovery in my home enviroment. Once M goes back to work I am to have my morning snack with S and my breakfast with him befoere he leaves for work, Lunch will be with the kiddies and and dinner will either be with M or my mom... but for know I am not to be alone we are like glued at the hip...its actually kind of nice to feel this close to someone, I havent felt this way in a long time.
I see K 2xs this week yesterday ...and tomorrow. SHe made me up a new 1500 cal MP and said to start with that and in a week or 2 we will start to bump it up...I am already freaking about the bump up but I wont think about it now, I have NO need to get ahead of myslef. I am not going to tell you this is going to be all roses but I have a really positive feeling about this.
I am willing to be a willing not willful participant in my REcovery. I see my Pdoc tomorrow and will update her on the situation...of all the weeks events and how poorly I handeled myslef and how I feel now...optomistic... I wonder if some of my bad judgements were because I was slightly manic, I was making rash, impulsive decisions and not thinking clearly, of course it could have all been due to malnutrition as well so we shall see what she has to say.
S was great about evrything and I think she was really suprized about my sudden change of heart. I went from miss doom and gloom to miss...well miss I can!!!I appreciate ALL the support and suggestions everyone has given me, I think this time I am really going to make it...I know I have said this before but I have some faith back and that is a real kicker for me.
Much love to you all,
Z
Thursday, March 5, 2009
tomorrow is the day
can I say a big whopping flying fuck a doodle!!
tomorrow is the apt. with my dad!!!!
Iam a freaking out...
I had one good day behavior free and then you know te story the rest have sucked, I bout and took a bunch of laxatives again yesterday and of course M found out and searched til he found my stash...Its not like you can hide running to the bathroom every 15 minutes...anyway I feel like shit again today ( dehydrated) and I have so much to do...I need to make bullet points of what I am going to say tomorrow, I need to clean my disastrous as A is having a sleepover tomorrow...why clean the house before kids trash it well guess its just the OCD in me...lol...
I saw K last night and she was great although she made me sign a contract listing all the things I would and wouldnt do...one being burying the laxatives in a grave in my back yard as a symbolic thing...but cause M found them first I couldnt do that..sigh...
M keeps talking about me going back into the hospital I am flat out going to say NO on that one my kids have had enough upheaval in their life they dont need me disappearing again...no sir ree bob!!!
I was thinking bout how when I was in jr high and I was this plump Little girl with glasses and trying to make it in the world and I was thinking back as to when my Ed started ...freshman year and how that movie for the love of Nancy came out and this kid Brett said to me thats not how you got so thin is it?? and I of course answered NO!!! very emphatically knowing full well, starving was the way I lost all my weight and thus begun the cycle of restricting/binging/purging/exercising...if I could have been honest back then what would that have ment for my future??
well I dont know but thats what I have been thinking allot about lately..where could I have been had I gotten rid of this ED back then.
oh well
Z
tomorrow is the apt. with my dad!!!!
Iam a freaking out...
I had one good day behavior free and then you know te story the rest have sucked, I bout and took a bunch of laxatives again yesterday and of course M found out and searched til he found my stash...Its not like you can hide running to the bathroom every 15 minutes...anyway I feel like shit again today ( dehydrated) and I have so much to do...I need to make bullet points of what I am going to say tomorrow, I need to clean my disastrous as A is having a sleepover tomorrow...why clean the house before kids trash it well guess its just the OCD in me...lol...
I saw K last night and she was great although she made me sign a contract listing all the things I would and wouldnt do...one being burying the laxatives in a grave in my back yard as a symbolic thing...but cause M found them first I couldnt do that..sigh...
M keeps talking about me going back into the hospital I am flat out going to say NO on that one my kids have had enough upheaval in their life they dont need me disappearing again...no sir ree bob!!!
I was thinking bout how when I was in jr high and I was this plump Little girl with glasses and trying to make it in the world and I was thinking back as to when my Ed started ...freshman year and how that movie for the love of Nancy came out and this kid Brett said to me thats not how you got so thin is it?? and I of course answered NO!!! very emphatically knowing full well, starving was the way I lost all my weight and thus begun the cycle of restricting/binging/purging/exercising...if I could have been honest back then what would that have ment for my future??
well I dont know but thats what I have been thinking allot about lately..where could I have been had I gotten rid of this ED back then.
oh well
Z
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Recovery tool box
I am building one out of a shoe box..I am collaging all over it but need some ideas as to what to put in it. Distractions...positive affrimations..what?? any ideas??
love, Z
love, Z
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Recovery hurts and so do I
I saw my Pdoc today and she is only prescibing me one week worths of meds at a time..Iam do depressed and not to be trusted with such strong meds with to much of them, things feel hellish. How do I go from being so excited about S to wanting to swallow all my pills and end it all...tell me how does that happen.
things are hard this Recovery thing is hard, feeling full is hard, harder then I ever thought it would be, I purged 2xs in the last 1 day...dinner last night and lunch today, now today I get I was alone and full and feeling low and depressed but what about yesterday...I stayed at my madre's for an hour after dinner and I still went home and purged I just couldnt take teh "extra" I ate.
I need something, some kind of motivation. i need to think of the positives!!
some positives are well I went to dinner with my mom (out) and stepfather on valentines day...and not only did I order my safe little salad but I added a baked potatoe to that..even stole a couple of babys fries...ohhhhh scary stuff. I am really stressing over this shit with my dad, positive though is I have managed to avoid him sice the last time I was IP and he made a suprize visit.
I will have to see him in about a monthfor As birthday party..and his birthday is comeing up soon, ack i just dont want to deal.
I want to be thinner
thats all that has been wieghing on me today, yesterday I was "okay" with my body today I want to slice parts of it off..how does that happen in one day...I miss S already...I think I will email her and tell her how much I am struggeling, her sons in florida, and A leaves for florida with my sister on friday, did I tell you all about that?? maybe thats why I feel fat...Im going to miss my baby girl...could that be it??
How does one know what the real issue is when you have been feeling like such shit for so long 14 yrs now, nearly half my life.
I want to be thinner
thats not the real issue that I know but what to do when thats all you can think about...
blahhhhhh
friends I need some love
Z
things are hard this Recovery thing is hard, feeling full is hard, harder then I ever thought it would be, I purged 2xs in the last 1 day...dinner last night and lunch today, now today I get I was alone and full and feeling low and depressed but what about yesterday...I stayed at my madre's for an hour after dinner and I still went home and purged I just couldnt take teh "extra" I ate.
I need something, some kind of motivation. i need to think of the positives!!
some positives are well I went to dinner with my mom (out) and stepfather on valentines day...and not only did I order my safe little salad but I added a baked potatoe to that..even stole a couple of babys fries...ohhhhh scary stuff. I am really stressing over this shit with my dad, positive though is I have managed to avoid him sice the last time I was IP and he made a suprize visit.
I will have to see him in about a monthfor As birthday party..and his birthday is comeing up soon, ack i just dont want to deal.
I want to be thinner
thats all that has been wieghing on me today, yesterday I was "okay" with my body today I want to slice parts of it off..how does that happen in one day...I miss S already...I think I will email her and tell her how much I am struggeling, her sons in florida, and A leaves for florida with my sister on friday, did I tell you all about that?? maybe thats why I feel fat...Im going to miss my baby girl...could that be it??
How does one know what the real issue is when you have been feeling like such shit for so long 14 yrs now, nearly half my life.
I want to be thinner
thats not the real issue that I know but what to do when thats all you can think about...
blahhhhhh
friends I need some love
Z
Saturday, January 31, 2009
So I hear you want to quit...
REcovery is hard, like you all didnt know that. Thsi is the point after I leave IP where I deciede its to hard and I want to give up. yep that seems about right 2 weeks after IP and Iam ready to throw in the towel...what a sucker I am...listening to that voice that actually uses my thoughts against me...
ME: This is to hard
ED: IT is I can help you
ME: BUT ED your way never worked before
ED: I have the power I will help you this time...I promise
ME: I cant I have to stay strong, please leave me alone
ED: I hear you want to quit, let me help you, follow me you will be strong and powerful once again
ME: I cant, I want to but I just cant PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
ED: I will always be here
ME: but I am putting my ear plugs in ...leave me alone
this is what I am hearing all fucking day, its never ending really and I know I cant go back and i am really trying but god its so hard. I havent eaten breakfast yet and I know I must its after 10 am.
My symptom usage is startingto grow i purged again last night thats two times this week...fuck, I know I need to plant off and push as K would say but for heavans sake it s hard.
I made the decision to keep seeing K while I am at program...I see her once a week and as long as insurance covers it I need the support, I feel like I am a fish floundering in the shallow water with out a clue how to make it back to deep waters...ugh
In other news yestersay was pajama day at the Z mans preschool...they got to watcha movie and eat popcorn and play in thier PJs all day...what fun, then he had a play date with Alex, while I was at program they played for 5 hours and I think it was really good for him to get some boy time, they played transformers all day and he didnt want to leave..that was great, no really I was glad he had such a good time, and it gave me a chance to talk to a non ED personat least for a little while...it was nice.
A and I spent the day with my richy sister and they went out to luch and out to a cafe for desert...she has an outi, however you spell that kind of car..let me tell you not a kid car...had to put the top down to get the car seats in, it was quite a site, in the dead of winter me with her top down and still struggeling to wrangle the seats in..oh boy that was fun. well the kids had a good time and thats whats important.
I miss S ( S is my T for all you new readers) I miss her terriably...we emailed back and fortth a little the other day and she said she was proud of all the progress I am making...but man I cant wait til I can see her again...
okay I guess I really need to eat something...
blahhhh
i hate Eds
Z
ME: This is to hard
ED: IT is I can help you
ME: BUT ED your way never worked before
ED: I have the power I will help you this time...I promise
ME: I cant I have to stay strong, please leave me alone
ED: I hear you want to quit, let me help you, follow me you will be strong and powerful once again
ME: I cant, I want to but I just cant PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
ED: I will always be here
ME: but I am putting my ear plugs in ...leave me alone
this is what I am hearing all fucking day, its never ending really and I know I cant go back and i am really trying but god its so hard. I havent eaten breakfast yet and I know I must its after 10 am.
My symptom usage is startingto grow i purged again last night thats two times this week...fuck, I know I need to plant off and push as K would say but for heavans sake it s hard.
I made the decision to keep seeing K while I am at program...I see her once a week and as long as insurance covers it I need the support, I feel like I am a fish floundering in the shallow water with out a clue how to make it back to deep waters...ugh
In other news yestersay was pajama day at the Z mans preschool...they got to watcha movie and eat popcorn and play in thier PJs all day...what fun, then he had a play date with Alex, while I was at program they played for 5 hours and I think it was really good for him to get some boy time, they played transformers all day and he didnt want to leave..that was great, no really I was glad he had such a good time, and it gave me a chance to talk to a non ED personat least for a little while...it was nice.
A and I spent the day with my richy sister and they went out to luch and out to a cafe for desert...she has an outi, however you spell that kind of car..let me tell you not a kid car...had to put the top down to get the car seats in, it was quite a site, in the dead of winter me with her top down and still struggeling to wrangle the seats in..oh boy that was fun. well the kids had a good time and thats whats important.
I miss S ( S is my T for all you new readers) I miss her terriably...we emailed back and fortth a little the other day and she said she was proud of all the progress I am making...but man I cant wait til I can see her again...
okay I guess I really need to eat something...
blahhhh
i hate Eds
Z
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