can I say a big whopping flying fuck a doodle!!
tomorrow is the apt. with my dad!!!!
Iam a freaking out...
I had one good day behavior free and then you know te story the rest have sucked, I bout and took a bunch of laxatives again yesterday and of course M found out and searched til he found my stash...Its not like you can hide running to the bathroom every 15 minutes...anyway I feel like shit again today ( dehydrated) and I have so much to do...I need to make bullet points of what I am going to say tomorrow, I need to clean my disastrous as A is having a sleepover tomorrow...why clean the house before kids trash it well guess its just the OCD in me...lol...
I saw K last night and she was great although she made me sign a contract listing all the things I would and wouldnt do...one being burying the laxatives in a grave in my back yard as a symbolic thing...but cause M found them first I couldnt do that..sigh...
M keeps talking about me going back into the hospital I am flat out going to say NO on that one my kids have had enough upheaval in their life they dont need me disappearing again...no sir ree bob!!!
I was thinking bout how when I was in jr high and I was this plump Little girl with glasses and trying to make it in the world and I was thinking back as to when my Ed started ...freshman year and how that movie for the love of Nancy came out and this kid Brett said to me thats not how you got so thin is it?? and I of course answered NO!!! very emphatically knowing full well, starving was the way I lost all my weight and thus begun the cycle of restricting/binging/purging/exercising...if I could have been honest back then what would that have ment for my future??
well I dont know but thats what I have been thinking allot about lately..where could I have been had I gotten rid of this ED back then.