Thursday, March 5, 2009

tomorrow is the day

can I say a big whopping flying fuck a doodle!!

tomorrow is the apt. with my dad!!!!

Iam a freaking out...

I had one good day behavior free and then you know te story the rest have sucked, I bout and took a bunch of laxatives again yesterday and of course M found out and searched til he found my stash...Its not like you can hide running to the bathroom every 15 minutes...anyway I feel like shit again today ( dehydrated) and I have so much to do...I need to make bullet points of what I am going to say tomorrow, I need to clean my disastrous as A is having a sleepover tomorrow...why clean the house before kids trash it well guess its just the OCD in

I saw K last night and she was great although she made me sign a contract listing all the things I would and wouldnt being burying the laxatives in a grave in my back yard as a symbolic thing...but cause M found them first I couldnt do that..sigh...

M keeps talking about me going back into the hospital I am flat out going to say NO on that one my kids have had enough upheaval in their life they dont need me disappearing sir ree bob!!!

I was thinking bout how when I was in jr high and I was this plump Little girl with glasses and trying to make it in the world and I was thinking back as to when my Ed started ...freshman year and how that movie for the love of Nancy came out and this kid Brett said to me thats not how you got so thin is it?? and I of course answered NO!!! very emphatically knowing full well, starving was the way I lost all my weight and thus begun the cycle of restricting/binging/purging/exercising...if I could have been honest back then what would that have ment for my future??

well I dont know but thats what I have been thinking allot about lately..where could I have been had I gotten rid of this ED back then.

oh well



Anonymous said...

Hi Z:

I don't know your story at all but it sounds like you have an anxiety producing event tomorrow. I know you say "tomorrow is the day" but try also to focus in on today. Use today wisely and remember we can start again in any moment.

Sounds like you are doing a lot of hard work and I sense a willingness to get better in spite of the self doubt you may feel.

One day at a time.

Oh. And I love "whopping flying fuck a doodle". :)


Zena said...

you can read some some of previous dad stuff its uder dad shit as a label but basically he was emotionally, physically and possiably ....sexually abusive and tomorrow will be a tell all session with him and my T...ugh...thanks for all your support you are amazing and it makes my day to read your comments...thankyou

love, Z

firefly said...

Z: Ugh I hate anxiety. Remember to breath. No matter what ed behavior you use or don't use today isn't going to effect how the meeting goes tomorrow but will get you one more step closer or far away from being in the hospital. You can do this girl. Keep heading down the recovery path. It may be rough right now but getting through it and over it will lead to a much longer life.
I have often wondered the same thing as you about fixing it back when it first started. I see girls so young in treatment with me now and I'm like would it have changed if I got the help sooner? I would hope so but then I would be in a completely different developemental spot. Hang in there Z. Hope it goes well tomorrow. Have you decided where to start with your dad?

Jena said...

It was interesting to me to hear about your early memory about being confronted about your weight loss like that. Sometimes I wish we could all have the capacity to look ahead past those years of our lives to what kinds of consequences lay behind our actions down the road. Even when we're just struggling to get by and fit in, or just trying to figure out who we really are. I often think- man, if I knew then what I know now, maybe things would have been different. Actually, yes they WOULD. I was a ticking time bomb. Enough time passing on by and suddenly the pressure hits and I go off. Warning signs along the way? Of course! Others notice anything? Of course! Did they say anything? Of course not! My mom "didn't want to upset me."

You will keep having better tomorrows. We're grown up now and we can look back at yesterdays and plan for our tomorrows. We can forgive ourselves and allow ourselves to use our own resources for help. We have insight to the better life ahead. You have all that too, sweetie. You are going to hit bumps but you're still on the right track doing the best you can. I have always had, and will continue to have, total faith in you.

Love you! Jena xoxo

PS- Your comments have been so heart-melting to me. You have no idea. Thank you so much for being there they way you are and the way you also support me too. :)

PTC said...

I LOVE that movie. I hope that it goes well tomorrow. I know it will be hard, but my hope is that this will help you to really start recovery. And, don't totally rid yourself of the idea of going back into the hospital. You say it would hurt your kids, but what you're doing now is hurting them.

Zena said...

I love you and yes I have decieded where I am going to start tomorrow, I need to call and give my dad directions and I have been putting it off all week...I need to call...ekkkk.

I am heartmelting...aweee...your story is inspiring!! yes I have been thinking allot about the past lately and while it is true I might have been able to have stopped this thing along time ago but who would I have been, what path would I have taken, would I have had my kids, theyare not something I would ever be willing to sacrifice so I guess youa re right, the past is the past and tommorrow is tommorrow...right now we have the present!!

I know you love that movie your post about it the other day got me thinking about jr. High...can you believe that movie is that old...can you believe we are that old;)

love, Z

Zena said...

I just spoke to my dad to give him directions...I feel like pukeing


Zena said...

My EKG just came back doc sent me a letter in the mail, I have to get labs done every week now...fuck and I just purged...great, guys I am probally going to die soon...this sucks


Jena said...

(((((Zena))))) My darling, you are a precious soul. You are truly enduring a difficult time and you're putting your best foot forward, but I can so hear the pain you're in. I wish I could do something to help. Do you know what you can do to help your heart get healthier? Don't be thinking you're going to die. That doesn't have to be the case and you know it. Hang in there, my friend. Stay strong.

firefly said...

Darling: I hope you didn't puke. You are worth more then to do that on account of your dad. I'm really concerned because despite abnormal ekg you still want to go puke. Join the club on the weekly labs. errr... I love you so much girl but you are killing me. I know it's a day to day struggle but keep pushing forward. Hang in there!

Just Eat It! said...

I hope all goes well with your appointment! Please try to stay hydrated.

I often wonder about how my life could have been different if I had told someone about my eating disordered earlier. I was completely in denial for a few years, though.


PTC said...

I was in high school!!

Good luck tomorrow.