Thursday, March 26, 2009

Doing it but shit...

ugh this is day 4!!! yep I said it day 4!!!!

its hard stuff this eating and not purging, what am I feeling...scared as hell. K said she is goignto increase my MP NEXT week...ekkkk, slightly freaking.

why is it so hard for me to want to take care of my body?? I just called my Doc and was like PLEASE call me back I need to know if my potassium is normal cause I do NOT want to keep taking my supplement...blahhhh

I speak with K everyday, and she keeps encouraging me to stay well, and practice self care...which i am trying to do, but...

The voices are screaming and I just want to cry and scream and roll around on the floor like ummm a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. yeah that sounds like a good a idea, a nice tantrum.

I dont know what else to write except this is hard as hell but I am doing it...blahhhh

love, Z

16 comments:

Just Eat It! said...

I'll reiterate: I'm SO proud of you! I'm right here with you. I've been three weeks (!) without purging. Sometimes it makes me roll on the floor in agony. It's so hard trying to go without behaviors. I hate the constant berating inside my head.

And you commented on a recent post of mine about Maudsley. I'll admit, it is hella difficult to give up my control over my food. That is probably what I struggle with the most daily. I still have no control over my food, but I like to think of what would happen if I was in control of my food. I know my eating disorder would manipulate it. When I think of it in my long-term recovery plan, it's not so bad. If I give up the control over my food, I have a better chance of getting better.

Zena said...

yeah, thats the way I look it...ED would definately take over my food if I didnt give up control to my husband...its scary but we are doing it. Thanks for your input and your support...it means the world to me.

((((HUGS)))

Love, Z

PTC said...

Keep on trucking, you're doing great!!

Kristina said...

Zena,

I'm not a faithful follower, but I so happy to see that you ARE working and sticking with it. It's hard, and I think it takes time and more time and more time.
In terms of self-care... You deserve health and happines.

Telstaar said...

*huggles*

I think you're doing amazingly well. There will be plenty of hiccups, but you keep trying and getting up each day even when you don't want to.

Love you hunni!!! You can do it!

xoxo

Zena said...

Okay guys day 5!!!
can you freaking believe it..I cant I am in complete awe of myself..thats right I have some faith...faith in me faith in god just some faith that I am going to win this war agaist the demon that I call ED!!

i see S in an hour and she is so proud of me...I havent had this kind of proudness factor in so long, K left me a long message saying how proud she was of me and that now the ED voice is really going to kick in and its now that i have to be on hyper alert to fight the voices...

I dont know what S and I will talk about, I am doing so well...well i guess we have allot to talk about cause I have to have mouth surgery in a few weeks and they are afraid its going to set me back, but I wont let it..I am re-reading LIFE WITH OUT ED and I am remembering how I cryed the first time I read it cause jennie lived my life. I will Recover too, I can just feel it!!!

Thanks you guys for ALL your unrelenting support, it means the world to me!!!!

Love, Z

JD said...

Z- This is the hard part...staying sick is the easy part believe it or not, and S is competely right, the voices are going to get louder and louder and ED is going to get outraged that you are fighting against him/it whatever...
But you are proving YOU are stronger and day by day, minute by minute you are winning!
Every time you eat, every time you do not purge and don't take laxatives...these voices and urges WILL eventually get softer and quieter.
Trust me! They will! I have done this and as long as you keep on keeping on...this will eventually get easier, but you have to keep moving forward.
You can do it, I know it!

firefly said...

Hey Tara: I'm so proud of you! Keep working hard and sticking with recovery. Yeah it's messy and it may not be linear but you can make the progress you want. I have faith in you. What type of mouth surgery are you doing? I know that is hard. I'll be thinking of you. Call me back sometime. I miss you!

PTC said...

Hey Z,

Hope your day went well. Keep up the good work, okay!

Hey, I totally understand if you have to stop reading my blog, if it's hard for you or something.

xoxo

Zena said...

ptc,
I dont need to stop reading your blog...i love you...

love, Z

joann said...

you're so so strong and lovely

xxx

PTC said...

I just don't want it to be bad for you in anyway, in case I write bad things.

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Nice to see you're doing well! Scary about the mouth surgery. Maybe firefly can help you with that one, since she's going through the same thing.

S.

Zena said...

only got a minute...thanks for the support guys...i got 4 sick people in my house and I got up on my own and made myself breakfast..Took some responsibility for my own REcovery, and you know what it feels pretty good!!!

Love, Z

belinda said...

YOU!!!!
yes YOU my sweet girl, fucking ROCK. can you hear me singing?
"Zena flipping rocks!!"

i am proud of you honey. i know, too, that you can beat this monster. it is a day by day process. and i think thats pretty good because it isn't overwhelming (although on some days it sure feels that way), it's just a moment by moment step forward. and then before you know it... it's a string of accomplishments and successes! 5 days is awesome!!

x

joann said...

you're so brave, Hunny, i'm proud, take care of yourself and your family too, be good for yourself, I wish you the best

you're great doing sth to improve your and their living, keep that way, even though it's not always so easy xxx