Wednesday, March 18, 2009

where to begin

The ER is never fun...point blank it sucks when they tell you, you are going to die if you dont seek tx. they gave me the speech you know this is killing you, go home eat some ice cream and dont puke. well thanks, if it were only so easy. I started to cry and they were like are you going to be okay, well sure I am going to be okay I always am. I have this huge and growing bruise on my hand cause they couldnt find a vain in my arm, and the nurse chicky busted my vain ( it blew she said) well ouch can we say pain...at least it will take your mind off the chest pain...its called diversion she said..hahaha. SO there I sat watching teh biggest loser with IVs in me and things flowing into me and crying and watching the monitors...M picked me up and I broke down in sobs...I cant do this I cryed...he was good, he held me and said yes you can we can do this together. FUCK girls I dont know if I can do this, I am scared, I cant. the desire to purge has dissapiated and while in walmart this morning picking up my ohhh so lovely horse pills ( potassium) I resisted the urge to buy laxitives...so go me on that one!! But ohhh after a day of NO food the urge to restrict is so very high.

I just want to be thin thinner then I am . I feel so fat and large and gross I just cant stand it... I feel like they didnt take me seriously cause Im not thin enough. I know in my head EDs have nothing to do with wieght but geez I dont think the docs know that. I just ate my oatmeal and ED is screaming at me what a fat loser I am, I just want to cry and curl up under the covers and never leave. you know what I mean.

I see K today. SHe is so worried for me, I hate to worry her, I hate being such a burden on others, my poor mother is sick and all she can do is worry about me ..it sucks the nut cracker. I am such a loser.

I wonder why ED is coming on with such full force? what was the catalyst? is it the rapid cycling, is it the racing thoughts, the crazy impulsivity, or is it my dad? I wonder what is making me relaspe so badly...I need to figure it out, although S says the house is on fire I just need to get out and then once the fire is put out then go back and look and see what started it...but I cant seem to do it..its like I am stuck in this cycle and I want to know WHY!!! SO mean while my health is going in the shitter and I am in the burning house.

I did take a step this morning, I mean I ate the fucking oatmeal...I feel SOOOOOOO guilty. But I will not purge, I promise!! S would be proud for that...Im so cold. I need to take my potassium and I cant will myself to do, I am supposed to take it 2xs a day but maybe if I take it with K tonight it will get me started... I dont know.

Well M is being really supportive, he swears he is done drinking, he blames himself for my craziness..I dont know I am sure when he gets drunk and abusive and calls me name s it has something to do with it but I dont know I shouldnt let him have that much power over me I mean after all...he drunk when he says it...how much can it mean? He says he needs to woe me back.

Ever see the movie fire proof...its about a man and a women on the verge of divorce and the man does this 40 day program to win back the love of his wife...he says that s what he is going to do for me...win me back. Get to know me, who I am and what makes me tick, I dont know how he going to do it if "I" dont even know who i am..blahhh.

9 comments:

PTC said...

It's hard to read this, because it seems like you're just giving up. I just feel like I'm going to look at your blog one day and you won't be there and someone will inform us all that you're dead. We can't fight for you, YOU have to do it.

JD said...

I feel confused reading your posts-to be competely honest. One second you are saying that the doctors in the ER are telling you, you are going to die- the next you are saying they aren't taking you seriously...well which was it?
Was it not what you hoped for? What reaction DO you want from people when you are declining medically?
Do you somehow hope that someone will swoop in and rescue you?
The truth is- no one is going to and the reason is- You are an adult with children and no one can fight for you, YOU have to...just like PTC said above me.
I too have bipolar- and never once has it "made" me relapse. If I began to cycle and was spinning with racing thoughts, paranoia etc., then I saught help from my doc to sort out medication issues and fixed it immediately. It isn't helpful to steadlily decline - knowingly- and do nothing.
You CAN do this- and if you continously tell yourself you can't- then you won't.
You have to take your supplements- it isn't an option right? It is medication that has been prescribed to you, you wouldn't not take antiobiotics if you had an infection would you?

Jena said...

Girl, you're going through the ringer. You have so much going on inside that head of yours. You don't know what's up and you don't know what's down. You want to live but you're solid in the grips of ED. You want to stay there but you want to stay there as a Survivor. You are in denial that you could DIE very, very soon. This can't be about you. It can't be about your self image anymore. It has to be about your kids. It has to be about your future and your fight to get well so that one day, you can help others who are in the same boat as you. I know you feel fat. I know you are addicted to restricting and purging. But honey, you have to LET IT GO. Because if you don't, they it will let YOU go.
Sweetie I've come to love you and I can't stand to see you in such pain. I'm sorry about this "tough love" kinda thing, but I am so serious, this is life or death. Choose life.
Love, Jena *hugs*

Zena said...

okay guys I had an "aha moment" I think. Last night I freaked out...I snuck off an went and bought laxatives...M found out and I was at my moms house and he insisted that I give them to her, well as I continued to refuse, he called her house, I jumped up and answered and tehn he called her cell phone. Well I screamed not to answer it, ran out of the house and grabbed my pills threw them at her and sped off in my car to my N apt. Well I was hysterically in tears, partly cause my Ed was pissed off and partly cause I was embarressed...humilated. Well I ran out of the house so fast I left my cell phone in the meantime as I am driving to Ks office I am hysterical in tears, my mom calls her and tells her what happened..my mom was in tears too...le sigh...I got to K s office and she was like I know things are bad. I got a call from your mom. SO there I sat in tears, from despair and humilation cause I am 29 and my mommy had to call my N. well we talked K and I, about allot, not food stuff but Ed stuff and how I am so malnourished I cant think straight, that I am being irrational and I am tight in the grips of ED. " just a week of good nutrition" and she thinks my brain would be at a much more fuctional level, I could and would be willing to do Tx. SO heres the "aha moment", I am NO longer 15, my mommy cant care for me, I need to care for myself!!!... now I need to make a plan as to how to do it.

I need to start by taking in 3 small meals that dont seem overwhelming, as the urge to purge is very high.

I need to use my REcovery tool box all the time ( any positive qoutes anyone might nave would be appreciated).

I need to fight and fight hard...this is my family I am fighting for..this is not a joke...this is our LIFE.

PTC, you said it best I do feel like giving up but I wont I can promise you I will fight I will fight for this cause my life depends on it.

I am going to choose life you guys and I need to use ALL my resources...no more games folks...this is my last chance. I must REcover. I know this will be a long road but I am willing to suffer the anxiety for my family... I will just need some major support!!!

Love, Z

Sarah said...

I was scared to look at your blog this morning because I was afraid I would somehow hear that you were dead.

I'm glad to hear you want to get out of the burning house. I don't know why it has to be so hard, I don't know. But you can't figure out why the fire started while it's all around you. Give up that idea. It isn't working. Save your life first and the rest will work out. I love you honey.

Zena said...

Sarah,
thanks for checking in with me...I not dead yet but in my heart I know if I continue to live this way I will be...did you see my kids they are why I need to fight!!! I am getting out of teh burning building...I ll figure out what started the fire later, right now I need to survive it!!!

love, Z

PTC said...

Want the number for the place I know that is free?? Email me.

belinda said...

Zena honey,
i read this post yesterday and i couldn't reply because it made me so sad & i was scared you were giving up. coming back today and seeing your fighting spirit gave me hope that you too, can fight and beat this. it is going to take some really f'ing hard work but you can do it! how do i know? because i am doing it! and we've been through some really hard times Zena, over the years i've seen such a strong & determined fighter in you.

you MUST take all your meds, this includes your supplements. this is not about choice, you just do it. ED will kick and scream like the drama queen it is, that will ease up with each day that you succeed in not giving in to it.

keep up the good fight!!
xo

Telstaar said...

*huggles* I just read what has been going on. I'm glad you're still with us. I care about you greatly. I will be praying... I have nothing useful to say but I DO care! Keep holding on!