The ER is never fun...point blank it sucks when they tell you, you are going to die if you dont seek tx. they gave me the speech you know this is killing you, go home eat some ice cream and dont puke. well thanks, if it were only so easy. I started to cry and they were like are you going to be okay, well sure I am going to be okay I always am. I have this huge and growing bruise on my hand cause they couldnt find a vain in my arm, and the nurse chicky busted my vain ( it blew she said) well ouch can we say pain...at least it will take your mind off the chest pain...its called diversion she said..hahaha. SO there I sat watching teh biggest loser with IVs in me and things flowing into me and crying and watching the monitors...M picked me up and I broke down in sobs...I cant do this I cryed...he was good, he held me and said yes you can we can do this together. FUCK girls I dont know if I can do this, I am scared, I cant. the desire to purge has dissapiated and while in walmart this morning picking up my ohhh so lovely horse pills ( potassium) I resisted the urge to buy laxitives...so go me on that one!! But ohhh after a day of NO food the urge to restrict is so very high.
I just want to be thin thinner then I am . I feel so fat and large and gross I just cant stand it... I feel like they didnt take me seriously cause Im not thin enough. I know in my head EDs have nothing to do with wieght but geez I dont think the docs know that. I just ate my oatmeal and ED is screaming at me what a fat loser I am, I just want to cry and curl up under the covers and never leave. you know what I mean.
I see K today. SHe is so worried for me, I hate to worry her, I hate being such a burden on others, my poor mother is sick and all she can do is worry about me ..it sucks the nut cracker. I am such a loser.
I wonder why ED is coming on with such full force? what was the catalyst? is it the rapid cycling, is it the racing thoughts, the crazy impulsivity, or is it my dad? I wonder what is making me relaspe so badly...I need to figure it out, although S says the house is on fire I just need to get out and then once the fire is put out then go back and look and see what started it...but I cant seem to do it..its like I am stuck in this cycle and I want to know WHY!!! SO mean while my health is going in the shitter and I am in the burning house.
I did take a step this morning, I mean I ate the fucking oatmeal...I feel SOOOOOOO guilty. But I will not purge, I promise!! S would be proud for that...Im so cold. I need to take my potassium and I cant will myself to do, I am supposed to take it 2xs a day but maybe if I take it with K tonight it will get me started... I dont know.
Well M is being really supportive, he swears he is done drinking, he blames himself for my craziness..I dont know I am sure when he gets drunk and abusive and calls me name s it has something to do with it but I dont know I shouldnt let him have that much power over me I mean after all...he drunk when he says it...how much can it mean? He says he needs to woe me back.
Ever see the movie fire proof...its about a man and a women on the verge of divorce and the man does this 40 day program to win back the love of his wife...he says that s what he is going to do for me...win me back. Get to know me, who I am and what makes me tick, I dont know how he going to do it if "I" dont even know who i am..blahhh.