Saturday, March 21, 2009

finding meaning

I am trying to figure out where I belong, what would bring me joy and why I have the intense need to harm myself. why do I feel I deserve pain?? I was talking to S yesterday and I broke down, I was just so tired of everything and she asked what I wanted and I said to "disappear"...well she said "you will" meaning I would die if I dont get a grip on this ED. I knwo I have used the burning house analogy before so I wont bore you with it again but I keep comeing back to it and trying to find meaning in my ED.

WHat is the hold it has over me? Why do I hang onto it for dear life or death which ever the case may be. Its so strong, the pull I mean to just follow its lead and let it take me down.

Yes yes I know I have children, but I am still able to take care of them, if it werent for the potassium thing I would be okay. I know I am ignoring the fact that half the time I am emotionally checked out and thats no way to raise children. I want to want to get better but I cant find the where with all to do it. I am searching for some answer that I cant find here. S keeps saying how selfish this disease is and how I am hurting everyone around me but all I can see is MY pain until teh time comes when I have to leave cause of my ED...then I see it in all thier faces..the anguish, the tears, the pain...I need to see it NOW, not then. Lord open my eyes to the pain I am causing my loved ones, let me stop this before it goes to far...before I reach the point of no return.

2 posts in one day but the first one was just me feeling sorry for myslef this one I hope has some meaning...something to make me think, as much as I can..with how shit I feel...why did I just purge my lunch? what was in it for me? these are the things I need to know, I cant get out of the house...I am dying from smoke inhallation, but now I cant see to get out.

Z

20 comments:

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Yes, Zena, you do need to see their pain now - not when you go to the hospital. Unfortunately their pain won't be visible like you're making yours to be until they are older. Having an emotionally absent mother is NOT okay. They are going to know the difference someday, and they are going to suffer for it.

You need to make changes NOW. These babies don't have a choice but to depend on you for their physical and EMOTIONAL well-being, and you need to step up to the plate and find it somewhere inside of you to do what you need to do in order to not engage in your ED behaviors to the point where you need to be in a hospital.

S.

joann said...

i can't imagine how hard it must be to have children and ed at once...

god, I hope you'll carry on well...

hugs... be strong, you're not alone and don't be angry with yourself, just keep fighting, YOU are worth it, YOUR LIFE is worth it..

xoxo

Zena said...

hey guys I am fighting...I dont know which is worse, to go to the hospital before hand or wait til I pass out cause nothing I do seems to be working..I just ate half a sandwhich ( didnt purge ) and I feel deathly...light headed, nausous and scared...and with all the lax I took today I know I am dehydrated...Im to tired to write..S I know you are right...tell me how you fought against ED, are you recovered?? what motivated you. My T says doing it for my kids will never make a lasting Recovery...I need to feel I am WORTH it..they are I know but what about finding it within me, where does that come from...

love, Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Z,

Am I recovered? No, I'm not recovered. I struggle. I struggle a lot - and I'm not referring solely to my eating disorder here. My issues are numerous, my history is long - but wake up every morning and do not allow self-destruction to be an option.

How do I do it? You find something bigger than yourself to focus on. You make a commitment to living. You decide that you are no longer a child and you do not have to suffer - you tell yourself over and over and over again that you can now, right now, give yourself the life you always wished you had when you were growing up. You leave the victim role behind. You utilize your resources, every single one of them. You sit through the agony of wanting to self-destruct because it's not worth it. It's just not.

Honestly, Z, only you can decide when you're done with this. No treatment center or therapist or doctor can convince you to start a new life. You can keep hoping that one day you'll wake up and want to treat yourself well, or you can start faking it and acting "as if" until it becomes a reality.

It's hard work being well. I don't sugar-coat things - staying sick is taking the easy way out. This journey of recovery has been the most excruciating process of my life, which is saying a lot because my life has been pretty excruciating. But I wouldn't want to be where you are for a single second ever again.

And you don't have to stay there either.

S.

PTC said...

Geez z, I don't know what to say. You're on your death bed. You may very well have a heart attack before tomorrow or Tuesday. Like I said, one week in the hospital isn't going to do anything for you. You either have to commit to treatment or die.

Zena said...

I am committing to tx guys my H is thinking of taking a leave of absence from his work to stay with me after the hospital...so I can get used to life at home with a "body gaurd' of sorts. S thankyou for sharing your story it means allot to me...to know that you struggle but you are doing it.

PTC, thanks for your support...I just had a little breakfast and a potassium pill....I fought M every step of the way but I did it...kicking and screaming...

love, Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

You are commiting to tx - what does that mean to you?

S.

Zena said...

To committing to tx means following what my team and loved ones have to say rather then listening to the destructive voices in my head. To FIGHT!!! to not give in to the behaviors when the urges strike..to cry my way through the issues to need cry when I feel the need to try enjoy the small things in life, to be there for my children EMOTIONALLY, as well as physically. To know that I am not the best judge of what is right for me..That ED lies to me and I need to realize that. That it may take lots of time and lots of hard work but know I can make it through this with the support of my time, It means NO residentional...just medical stabilization..and then off to work on the hard issues( dad stuff)...I see thier pain...and its hurting me but hurting me is not what will make it better I need to take care off me...

love, Z

Zena said...

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joann said...

Zena, god, please, try and never ever give up.

I started to cry when I read the second S's comment. That's so lovely and powerful and true.

I wish I was strong enough or mature enough to see it all, but since i'm only 15 and I want to lose myself again and again everyday I simply don't thing of recovery. That's abstraction for me.

Zena, HUGS. Be strong, please.

Jena said...

Zena, I already gave you my comment on your previous post, but you need a hug.

((((((Zena))))))

Zena said...

((((joanne))) please seek help before its to late...

((((jena))))

thankyou I wish you were here in RT

love, Z

PTC said...

I hope you go through with this, Z. You need to go to tx for months if you have any chance of kicking this thing.

belinda said...

zena,
honey. i miss you.
you know, when we used to chat all the time. i really miss it. and while i don't always blog, i think of you often, i hope you know that.

recovery can be a bitch sometimes. shit, i am struggling so badly right now, right alongside you. you know that? that i am always next to you?!

babe, i don't know what to say, but i want you to know that i love you.

x

Zena said...

They admitted me overnight last night to give me fluids and potassium...M and I are thinking of doing the maudsley approach...what do you guys think???

love, Z

PTC said...

I've heard of it, but know nothing about it. So, I'm not help with that question.

firefly said...

Hey Z; Sorry I've been checked out lately. It really sounds like you aren't in a good place at all. I saw your kids faces and know they deserve a present mom in every sense of the word. You can fight T.I have faith in you. You need to make the calls when you are struggling and really work things. This isn't the life you want. Fight ! Fight! Fight! Do you have your boxing gloves on? Have you had a conversation with God lately? I know for me it seems like when my ed is worse my relationship with God seems distant.
The maudsely approach is usually used for teens and younger children. Not sure it has been proven effective for adults. What does S and K say?

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

I think the Maudsley approach is not a good idea. I think you need to be dependent on yourself, and M has his own issues to deal with - he doesn't need to be responsible for your treatment as well.

S.

Zena said...

well so far it s working...I had breakfast...No purging, took my potassium and zinc and other meds, we drove the kids to school and in a few minutes we are going to see S, My doctors think that this is a pretty good idea....and if it doesnt work then I will go residential...

S,
I am unable to do this on my own at the moment, our hope is that this will helpme to learn how to live in the REAL world and follow my tx plan, the first step in fighting a disorder is admitting that one is power less over it, this has become an addiction for me and AA teaches to surrender your control, so thats what I am doing, I m sorry you dont think its a good idea but if it works and helps me to get better then I am willing to it.

(((Sarah)))

arent my kids cute??? I know things have been rough for you I will check your blog and see if you updated...we will be in contact soon...

love you

Love all of you

love, Z

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Hey, whatever works for you, I guess. I just gave my opinion as you asked for them. Hope it works for your husband, too.

S.