I am trying to figure out where I belong, what would bring me joy and why I have the intense need to harm myself. why do I feel I deserve pain?? I was talking to S yesterday and I broke down, I was just so tired of everything and she asked what I wanted and I said to "disappear"...well she said "you will" meaning I would die if I dont get a grip on this ED. I knwo I have used the burning house analogy before so I wont bore you with it again but I keep comeing back to it and trying to find meaning in my ED.
WHat is the hold it has over me? Why do I hang onto it for dear life or death which ever the case may be. Its so strong, the pull I mean to just follow its lead and let it take me down.
Yes yes I know I have children, but I am still able to take care of them, if it werent for the potassium thing I would be okay. I know I am ignoring the fact that half the time I am emotionally checked out and thats no way to raise children. I want to want to get better but I cant find the where with all to do it. I am searching for some answer that I cant find here. S keeps saying how selfish this disease is and how I am hurting everyone around me but all I can see is MY pain until teh time comes when I have to leave cause of my ED...then I see it in all thier faces..the anguish, the tears, the pain...I need to see it NOW, not then. Lord open my eyes to the pain I am causing my loved ones, let me stop this before it goes to far...before I reach the point of no return.
2 posts in one day but the first one was just me feeling sorry for myslef this one I hope has some meaning...something to make me think, as much as I can..with how shit I feel...why did I just purge my lunch? what was in it for me? these are the things I need to know, I cant get out of the house...I am dying from smoke inhallation, but now I cant see to get out.