Tuesday, March 31, 2009

So your afraid of being healthy

Thats what S said to me last night in an email so i am guessing thats what we will talk about in session today.

I am afraid of being healthy and fucking FAT!!! okay we can all get the fat part no one wants to be fat well if you ahve an ED you dont, but what about the healthy part...hmmmm. When Doc A said your doing great!!! big hugs High 5s part of me wanted to crumble on the floor and just die, does this mean my ED is over. They dont think so but fuck I do I mean Iam eating again on my own and well isnt that some type of freedom. All I can think about since following this food plan is losing wieght and if I dont start to lose some wieght FAST I am going to FREAK out!! Im talking roll on the floor cry til Im purple FREAK OUT!

anyway why am I afraid of being healthy is it cause Iam afraid my Tx team will leave me, I mean I know I am far from out of the woods I mean my chance for relaspe is very high and its only been 9 days but Iam not happy about it like I was the first 7. WHat the fuck changed?? its liek a switch flipped in my brain and all I can think about is how this food is sticking to my ribs and making me fat...FAT FAT FAT!!!!

I hate it, M says you are perfect, you are at your goal wieght...well I dont want to be at my gaol my wieght I want to UNDER...under do you hear me...okay okay so I am off the subject...why am afraid to be healthy??? what does it mean?? I cant figure it out . hopefully we will discect this in T this morning cause I cant stand feeling so fat..healthy thoughts

I am coherant..:)

I am alive

I am FUCKING healthy

I am smart

I am ....artistic

I dont know this sucks, I am fat thats for sure

Love, Z


PTC said...

That totally makes sense, but I hope that feeling goes away for you.

Jena said...

I know we're in totally separate situations and conditions but I feel like your post is echoing my cries. It's such a horrible and helpless place to be in. I want to turn this all around right now too, get back to being "under." But Zena, I think of you and I think of everything you've been through and I think, "no, Zena, you need to get through this, you need to stay on it." Then I think of myself. Would I say this to myself? No! So I am looking to you as an example right now. I need to get through the same pain as you, the same thoughts... don't unravel your road to recovery. Let me join you too. And don't leave me behind.

Telstaar said...

Oh hun, how you're feeling is pretty normal. I think this is one major reason why I am afraid to connect with professionals because, what if they leave? However hunni, simply because the ed is getting a tiny bit better doesn't mean you are fixed! You have so much other emotional and psychological work to do hunni. It's a battle one day at a time.

You will have good days AND bad days and that's normal. Its a part of life. Simply because you have a good period doesn't mean you're ready to end treatment.


Love ya girl

Zena said...

Okay guys (((jena)) (((telstar)))), (((ptc))), thankyou so much for your support, jena you made me cry, i wont leave you behind girlie, i will take your hand and drag you with me if I have too, we may have different struggles but i think they are more simialar then you think...I love you girlie and thankyou from the bottom of my heart.


S assured me yesterday there is still much work to be done once I am healthy, which will take ALLOT of time why I thought after nine days I was cured was beyond me, and yesterday was definately a bad day...but heres hopeing to a better one.

Day 10

behavior free

love, Z

Just Be Real said...

Zena, I hear ya! I am struggling with that too. Fear of being set free! Thanks for sharing dear one.