Thats what S said to me last night in an email so i am guessing thats what we will talk about in session today.
I am afraid of being healthy and fucking FAT!!! okay we can all get the fat part no one wants to be fat well if you ahve an ED you dont, but what about the healthy part...hmmmm. When Doc A said your doing great!!! big hugs High 5s part of me wanted to crumble on the floor and just die, does this mean my ED is over. They dont think so but fuck I do I mean Iam eating again on my own and well isnt that some type of freedom. All I can think about since following this food plan is losing wieght and if I dont start to lose some wieght FAST I am going to FREAK out!! Im talking roll on the floor cry til Im purple FREAK OUT!
anyway why am I afraid of being healthy is it cause Iam afraid my Tx team will leave me, I mean I know I am far from out of the woods I mean my chance for relaspe is very high and its only been 9 days but Iam not happy about it like I was the first 7. WHat the fuck changed?? its liek a switch flipped in my brain and all I can think about is how this food is sticking to my ribs and making me fat...FAT FAT FAT!!!!
I hate it, M says you are perfect, you are at your goal wieght...well I dont want to be at my gaol my wieght I want to UNDER...under do you hear me...okay okay so I am off the subject...why am afraid to be healthy??? what does it mean?? I cant figure it out . hopefully we will discect this in T this morning cause I cant stand feeling so fat..healthy thoughts
I am coherant..:)
I am alive
I am FUCKING healthy
I am smart
I am ....artistic
I dont know this sucks, I am fat thats for sure