well today is my second purge free day, following my MP 100%. I havent had a "streak" of purge free days in I cant remeber how long. M is being reall great and supportive. We went to see S this morning TOGETHER...and we are doing this..we are taking some of the maudsley approach and mixing in some of our own stuff. Like I am to be made more respobsible for making my own decisions. When I dont want to eat we are to talk it out but in essence i have 2 choices eat or hospital, I am choosing to eat. We are to look to our faith for guidence...we are to go see our pastor well our old pastor for guidence, I think that will really help.
We talked allot about what will be expected from me and what will be expected from M. How he is to start off making the meals but as time goes on I am to start to help and then slowly take over the job. He is to basiclly sit back and watch as I go about my routine as to help me adjust to doing this REcovery in my home enviroment. Once M goes back to work I am to have my morning snack with S and my breakfast with him befoere he leaves for work, Lunch will be with the kiddies and and dinner will either be with M or my mom... but for know I am not to be alone we are like glued at the hip...its actually kind of nice to feel this close to someone, I havent felt this way in a long time.
I see K 2xs this week yesterday ...and tomorrow. SHe made me up a new 1500 cal MP and said to start with that and in a week or 2 we will start to bump it up...I am already freaking about the bump up but I wont think about it now, I have NO need to get ahead of myslef. I am not going to tell you this is going to be all roses but I have a really positive feeling about this.
I am willing to be a willing not willful participant in my REcovery. I see my Pdoc tomorrow and will update her on the situation...of all the weeks events and how poorly I handeled myslef and how I feel now...optomistic... I wonder if some of my bad judgements were because I was slightly manic, I was making rash, impulsive decisions and not thinking clearly, of course it could have all been due to malnutrition as well so we shall see what she has to say.
S was great about evrything and I think she was really suprized about my sudden change of heart. I went from miss doom and gloom to miss...well miss I can!!!I appreciate ALL the support and suggestions everyone has given me, I think this time I am really going to make it...I know I have said this before but I have some faith back and that is a real kicker for me.
Much love to you all,
Z
9 comments:
I'm SO proud of you. You've been doing great so far. You're a BOSS, Hunny <3
I don't want to complain or make you read my endless lamentations but I've tried therapists, I've visted many psychiatrists' cabinets and I think that it's all in me. And I'm the one who can meet this disease half-way and fight against it.
Because it's this thing about the theraphy that I hate to tell sb about my problems cause I feel so unworthy of anybody's attention and interest, it's fucked, I'm fucked. Nevermind xxx
By the way, I immediately became so attached to you, your post and issues. I really support you in this recovery thing...
((((joann))))
Thankyou my sweets..Im a boss huh??lol. That so cute...I like to read what you write, cause I have been there, I have been 15 with a terriable ED, and you are right you have to find it within yourself to fight this disease and least in part...but I am going to keep encouraging you and letting you know I am here.
Love, Z
by the way guys 2 days symptom free!!!
Go ME!!!
Cause I feel that in this ED aspect there are two opposite voices in me but somehow dependant on one another.
On the one hand I'm responsible and protective and I want to provide myself with proper education, with right self-esteem, come to terms with my mental diseases and suddenly all falls apart. My 'second nature' dominates and I'm behaving like I don't really want it all, like I don't want to get better but to get stuck in one point with no perspectives. It's tangled.
Hahah, I dunno what I meant with the boss, gosh, no, I know that what was on my mind but I didn't manage to express it in right words, sorry :] try to turn a blind eye on my numerous mistakes, I'm Polish ;)
like those brackets meaning a hug, haven't seen them before
((((Zena))))
I hope this positive attitude continues. I just get nervous because i'm afraid tomorrow I'll read a completely different story. I hope you can do this and if you want to you can. Best of luck!! We're here for the ride.
Just wanted to let you guys no I still have my resolve...we already had breakfast (7 am) M is being great....this approach is really working..I wont lie and say its easy ...its hard very hard but I want..I NEED to be healthy for my family as well as myself...I just need you guys to believe in me.
love, Z
I am so so so proud of you! I'm so glad to hear you motivated. :)
First time commenter here - so happy to read that you are feeling positive about recovery. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
-Jackie
I don't have much energy but *hugs* well done hunni... day at a time xoxo
Thanks for all your support guys ...today is day 4!!! and I am doing pretty well, the thoughts are still there but I am ignoring them.
Jackie,
welcome to my blog thanks for commenting!!:)
tels...whats going on babe??
Love Z
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