6 years ago today

I woke up to a wet feeling between my legs, I was more then ready to go, I had spent the last nine months in a whirlwind of emotions. Going from very anorexic to healthy and carrying a full term and what seemed to be enormous baby, as it turned out it was me that was enormous but thats besides the point;)

So we hop in the car and drive to the hospital to find out indeed my water had broken and it finally dawned on me that we were going to have a baby...like where had I been the last 9 months. you know tehy say its 9 months but really I think its 10 or shit a million, anyway I was about to explode from all angles and we get to the hospital and you know what ...nothing...nothing happened, so there I sat for 9 hours waiting for this life to come into the world and then I started to get scared, what if she never came out...crap what a thought, only to realize that a couple of hours and several drips of petocin later I would be screaming for her to stay in forever.

now to understand what it was like and what I am like know that I have panic attacks on a regular basis at least I used to and I dont like forgein things in my bod, you know like meds and drugs and epidurals...so there I sat with the death drip in my arm and contractions every 2 minutes and insurmountable pain for 8 hours...I did everything, I sat buck naked in all my glory in a hot shower, I rocked in a rocking chair but mostly I just screamed ...allot. Now one would think with all that pain I would be like you know closer to having a kid...I was sure it was going to happen at any moment...but you know what after all that time with no food, horrible contractions and the death drip in my arm...I was no closer to having a baby then when we started....so

I finally with much hesitation agreed to the epidural...ahhhhh the life altering wonder drug. what was I thinking...going natural, what a crock..who would want that when one could have a pain free labor, shit I actually fell asleep, yes the epidural was the way to go.

But I must have a small crotch or something cause when it came time to actually getting the kid out of me well that was a trip. I pushed her little body out of mine for 2 and a half hours...and let me tell you I was exhausted...I thought she would never come out. and then she finally did and...she looked like a cone head, I cried cause she was so...cone headed I thought thats it I have deformed my child, forgetting that babies heads are soft and it fixes itself...(her head is nice and round now)...so yes I cried when she was born but not cause I was happy but cause I thought that the little person I created was ugly. turns out I was way wrong, shes a beauty, with long curly blond hair, blue eyes and a perfect smile, but how was I supposed to know at the time.

anyway we put a hat on her and I was good and I remember holding that precious little baby in my arms and so cradling her and talking to her and saying what a miracle...yes that little girl was my miracle child, born to a women who earlier in the year they said I was going to die from her Ed...and here I was with this little life in my hands. I thank god every day for that little girl, all the pain, heart ache and tears are worth the joy that this child brings me, so on this day 6 years ago my first was born, 6 years ago today I became a mom, my life changed and I owe it all to one little miracle little girl.

Happy Birthday Alyssa

and thank you

love, Z