Wednesday, June 30, 2010

real quick

I have like no time and wont be home all day but I just wanted to say that the report did not tell me what I wanted to know...he was very drunk .21 alcohol level....which well leads me to allot of assumptions because there was no physical way he could have strung a rope with a knot strong enough to hold his 230 pound body while that drunk, really i dont know how he stood fact if he hadnt hung himself he would have ended up in the ER with his stomach being pumped, I know him, he most likely drank a liter of 99 bananas and then hung himself making the plan all day...there were so many steps he took that day while sober...including paying numerous bills...

I left S pretty numb...

we talked about some other stuff including a sandwhich which I will elaborate on later...

I really just dont know what to make of it...I looked at allot of pictures last night...I have had anorexia since before I knew him so in so many of the pictures (up to 2 yrs ago) I was very underweight...I have this strange notion that to somehow connect with our former life I need to emaciate myself again...I dont know why really, so I can look like the pictures and pretend its still "us" again...not really sure and I know its illogical...but well its how I feel...doesnt mean I will act on it but...


okay I have to go I will update much better tonight

have a good day my lovelies


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I saw K

she suprized me with dinner as it was dinner time...

starbucks Viviano smoothie (chocolate banana and 2 oatmeal cookies)

I was pissed.

but I really hate to dissapoint my tx team especially because they are so good to me.

I ate it...

I ruminated allot...


she also gave me a magic wand, she has given it to me before about a yr ago when I was purging NUMEROUS times a day, I was to look at it, hold it, play with it whenever I felt like puking, and it worked..its got blue goo in it that slides back and forth in the water with beautiful sparkels, it reminds me of hope...I gave it back to her about a month before Mike died because I didnt think I needed it anymore I had it for like 8 I have it now I have some slight hope...that I will heal...

She is a beautiful person, I am so grateful for her.

I pick up the coroner report today...

I must bring it to S, then go back at 4:45 and I get to ask questions about it...I know it wont have the answers I will have some concrete answers like EXACT TIME OF DEATH, which might help me some...but I am under no delusions that he most likely did not have some brain tumur undetected for years making him irrational and eventually leading to his suicide...logically I know that, will it still be difficult to hear the truth, ofcourse, but i will have S with me, and she will comfort me and guide me through, and she will keep the report so I cant obsess and ruminate over it...

okay thats it...

I have to start my day...allot to do

the cleaning lady is comeing to clean my house today so I need to go let her in and get all the supplies...

then the report

and I suppose a shower

not in that order.

Im anxious as all hell today.

well off

love, Tara

Sunday, June 27, 2010

yeah so...

after a long talk with a good friend tonight where we kinda joked about our Eds, I realized..FUCK...Im so slipping...first thought


that was also my 2nd 3rd and 4th thought

but K called to comfirm our apt tomorrow and to tell me she was pulling out all the stops because when I cancel 2xs in 2 days somethings up

so I am sat here


do I really not care..

or am I just desperate for some help

really I dont know

but i will go

and I will see how it couldnt make it any worse right??

I guess..its just talking about food...when so much else is happening seems...useless??

but really when I am honost...its not

I just wish it was


dont really know what Im saying ...


Im struggeling

more then I would like to admitt...

because well...

its just food right??

only with me...its not

I suppose I should just accept that so I could recover already...

just dont know if I am actually ready

I mean I AM...


it shouldnt hurt this much...

only thats not true...

i know better

recovery hurts..

i just need to remember the alternative is soooo much worse...

okay so an ED post...despite "my" better judgement

its out there

I need help

not sure I want it

but...will I ever??

so it cant ask??

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Lessons in "Grace" should be mandatory for life...

I am not a rude person, Im not just saying that to toot my horn Im just not, I dont find pleasure in hurting someones feelings, someone close or a perfect stranger, I just dont find it necessary to make someone else hurt in order to make myself feel better, and I really can not understand how people can go about thier lives concerned only with themselves and what makes them feel good in the moment...

It is beyond my comprehension as to why a man finds it necessary to honk and flip off an older gentlemen driving down the highway because he doesnt seem to be driving "fast" enough...Im mean we have all done it gotten frustrated at the little old lady driving 50 in the fast lane, I personally just go around her and continue on my way but there are those people, the people who clearly were not shown any grace in thier life so they dont know how to extend it to others, so they become angry and bang on thier horn (probably scaring the crap out of the poor old man) and flip him off all while flying down the highway as if tehy were in a high speed chase...yes man in your big red truck YOU need a lesson in grace.

I wonder about the man tapping is foot in anger and muttering under his breath profanitys at the lady in front of him at the checkout line who maybe has 14 items instead of 10 in the 10 items or less line....maybe she didnt count her items and just assumed she had 10 or maybe it was something worse maybe her child was sick at home and she needed to get back as fast as possiable and just didnt have time to wait behind all the people with cartloads of food, surely that women deserved some grace, surely she didnt need to feel berated and embarressed for being in a checkout line with 4 extra items....Yes you, that man with the tatoo and the beard YOU need a lesson in grace.

And ofcourse there is my starbucks barista ( I have many but I will speak about the one I saw today) I am talking to you, the women wearing high heels that were waaaayyyyy to high and a skirt that was way to short and a bag about is big as you, when you reamed out that barista for making your light frappachino wrong, dont you think you were just a little to harsh, it is busy in there and she IS making hundereds of frappachinos, lattes and other coffee concoctions and hour, perhaps she did make a mistake, perhaps she wasnt paying close enough attention, but maybe she had something bigger on her mind, maybe she was thinking how her rent was going to be late or maybe she found out she failed a course or maybe worse yet maybe she found out that someone she loves is sick and she couldnt concentrate perfectly to make sure your frappachino had that extra shot of expresso in it. Perhaps you should give yourself more then 3 minutes when you plan for your starbucks run, accidents happen, mistakes are made, maybe well not maybe YOU need a lesson in grace, because normal people dont berate other members of the human when there coffee gets screwed up.

And there is YOU, The Phamacist, no not the regular one who is sweet and caring but YOU the one who sat chopping on a brownie and soda for 20 minutes while I waited to hand in my sons prescription, you sat there and watched me stand there and not say a word til I shifted my foot position and sighed and then you promptly came over to me giving me a lesson in how YOU should not have to work through your break and that YOU dont have enough help and that I shouldnt sigh so loudly....well you mister mean pharmacist YOU need a lesson in grace, because you never know how you are talking to and what there story is, you didnt know I had just moved all my belonging from my home into a strorage unit because my husband killed himself, you didnt know that my heart has been broken and that I myelf have been ill for days, you didnt know my story behind my exhausted sigh, I think dear pharmacist you need a lesson in grace, in compassion and not just for me but for the human race...

for anyone out there who might sigh just a little to loud or drive just a little to slow or has a few to many items in line or perhaps just makes a mistake....well for all you people out there I think you (I) deserve some grace and really I truely feel it should be mandatory before one enters society that if they werent taught grace by thier parents...They should be made to take lessons in GRACE!!

For we dont know what burdens others bare....

Next time when your patients have run thin, think about how you would want to be treated, show a stranger some grace, I think really it would make this world a much better place.

Love, Tara

(the ryhme in the last sentence was not intentional but cute anyway :) )

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The report is ready...

The coroner report is ready...I have to call tomorrow at 8 am and speak to a women named susan so that I can have it sent to me...I have waited nearly 14 weeks for this report, secretly hoping it will say he was very drunkor heavily medicated and just so out of his mind he didnt know what he was doing...

I fear though it wont say that, in fact Im pretty sure, if he was so intoxicated {to the extent I am hopeing for) he wouldnt have been able to fasten the rope, he was not a small man (220 pounds) it would have had to do it "right" for it to have held him there all that time...

I really dont know what I should do...maybe get it and open it with S, maybe I shouldnt get it...I just feel like I need it, I need to know, ofcourse the answers very well could deeply hurt me....what if he was stone cold soberr and just did it anyway, what if he left us and he was sober, that it wasnt an accident that the phone that I called on the whole while he commited this act is missing ( although I am almost positive he threw down the basement stairs as I was interupting his plans)

I suppose I will call in the morning, maybe I will just get it and keep...til Im ready to knoe the truth...

I dont know

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

a weekend away.... and a note of hurt

first I would like to say I had a pretty good weekend, the kids and I went away to an indoor water park and they had a great time. I cant find my connector to download the pictures to show you how happy they were, when I find it I will post the pictures but I suppose right now it doesnt matter I did what I set out to do, to protect them from knowing that it was fathers day weekend, they didnt know, that was my goal, they had a wonderful, sliding and slashing in the water, sleeping in a hotel and just being away from our life, I think for a couple of days they forgot about the crap of what has happened these last months and for that I am grateful because that was my goal. It was difficult for me as I knew it was fathers day and it hurt to know that my kids dont have one anymore but they forgot and that I am so grateful for...I never noticed before how many loving fathers there are in this world and it made me very very sad...but well thats the end of that.

part 2

I dont really know how to say this, and really I dont know how many people will read this but I need to say it because it has really been bothering me. Mike used to tell me all the time that I spent to much time blogging and commenting on others blogs, offering support, advice and encouragement, he used to tell me that "these people dont really care about you the way you care about them, you are wasting your time." and I am begining to think he was right. I know I rarely comment on anyones blog anymore, I dont have the energy, I cant think of inspiring things to say and really I am just hurt that the people who I spent so much time over the last couple years supporting have seemed to abandoned me in my time of greatest need. It really hurts to think that the people whom I so deeply cared about dont seem to care that my life has been dramaticly altered these last 3 months, that not even a note of "im still thinking or praying for you" cant be left.

maybe because I am to depressing or I say some of the same things over again, I dont know, but last week when I wrote about my house being broken into, mine and mikes house, the house that he built no one seemed to care, there are those of you who do comment and im not talking about you, and the thing is the people who do comment are my friends outside of this blog, they tell me regularly how much they care about me, we talk and I know they care, but it really never occured to me that although we all live in different parts of the country that we werent really friends, I always thought that we were even if we didnt speak in real time, I always thought we had a connection and that during times of great stress and hurt we (I) would be supported.

Maybe I am being super sensitive, and this is not some post to beg for comments cause really if you dont care then I dont want you to comment anyway, this is for me, to get out my feelings...yes my blog was started as a way to help me journal my feelings and to get out my thoughts but it had turned into a way for me to connect with others who struggled with the same things and not just our eating disorders but the struggles of life. This blog has become a documentation of my life and maybe one day it will help me write my book, but I have to say I valued others imput, words of love and encouragement used to help me get through my day, helped me to know I wasnt alone out there...maybe I was stupid to believe that I was actually cared about, That I wasnt just someone that you commented on or read to kill time, I acyually believed we were friends.

This is not meant to come across as a woe is me, pity me post, because really I am strong and I know that somehow my children and I will survive this...survive everything, that one day I wont have an eating disorder that one day we will somehow heal from the loss of Mike, I guess I just thought that allot of you would be a part of that healing, that you would stick by me even though I dont have much positive to say these days.

I want you all to know that, and it really is sad to say that people dissapoint you, and its not just you guys its my "friends" in real life, who dont call anymore, who just assumed that I would be fine 2 weeks after my husband killed himself..Im sorry if Im not fine, that Im not more uplifting or that because I have been unable to comment and leave inspiring comments on your blog, that you seem to have abandoned me. I am hurt. I suppose I should just get over it and realize that this is how the world works, people dont just give, that its conditional, that they only give if you are able to give back...It hurts to think that I thought everyone here was so differnet, that the people I "met" here were different. and I suppose it shouldnt matter, that maybe I shouldnt be so sensitive, but unfortunately I am, I ( even though in the last months I have shown it, I was invested in you all) I actually would spend my time praying and thinking about your lives, hopeing and wishing that things would get easier for you, that you wouldnt hurt so much...I feel abandoned in my time of greatest need and really it just hurts.

I will get over it, just like I must do in my life with the things that have happened, but i needed it said that the place where I thought I could turn, to the people I thought I could turn to for advice or just a word of encouragement arent there anymore...its just one more loss.

and really if this is even read I dont want a bunch of comments saying that I either shouldnt be so sensitive or that you feel sorry for me, I just needed to express my hurt and this is where I do it, on my blog, a place where my thougts are recorded, and I suppose it is still a place where i will do it, I guess I just shouldnt expect that others really care, when its clear that they really dont.

Thats it, just wanted to get it out so Im not festering on it anymore, I guess I have "purged" my feelings and that was the whole point of me starting this blog anyway.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

enough is enough

I will write a better more detailed post later but seriously enough is enough, like for reals.

I got a phone call from my neighbor (neighbor from our house)around 3:30 yesterday afternoon,

"Tara, its X, ummm I dont know how to tell you this but you need to come to the house the state troopers are here, they just caught 3 kids trying to break into your house"

"Oh my god, Im comeing..."

The whole 10 minutes it takes me to drive to my house I am in like fits of panic, like seriously PEOPLE SUCK!!!

When I get about 1 min from my house panic really sets in as I realize there are going to be police at my house, fucking lights and shit, and I cant stand lights and sirens and whatnot since his suicide, they give me panic attacks and to see them at my house Im gonna freak...

Get to house, Freak out..., 2 of my neighbors come to my car and help me out...seriously 4 freaking cop cars, lights a rolling me ready to gurl on the street, 3 kids in on my knees trying to not wretch on the come on already, TURN OFF THE FREAKING LIGHTS!!!

"mam...mam.." The officer is trying to talk to me

The town is not that big, its right out side of a city but its a town so the state troopers take care of everything, the same state troopers who were there that night, they new about everything, they were nice but i was a mess..."can you come to the barracks and make a statement??"

"ummmmm I guess"

The neighbor saw them trying to break in and called the police so the fuckers were caught red handed, but like I said its a small town ( oh did I mention the little deviants live up the street, so like they knew...about it all) so Im in the state trooper barracks sitting next to one of the shitheads mothers and shes all calm and stuff saying to the officer its a mistake...blahhh blahhh blahhhh

she didnt apologize, you know that her fucking 16 yr old deviant daughter was trying to rob me, even though the police CAUGHT THEM!!!

I made my statement as did my neighbor...and I got to leave...and totally meltdown in my car...fuckers like I dont have enough crap in my life now I have to deal with this...grrrrr

It just so happened that I had an appointment with S, so I drove there shaking and crying and just like lost my crap in her office..then I kinda detached...I couldnt focus on anything, my eyes kept darting around the room she kept trying to bring me back and help me ground myself but I was quickly loseing it...I stopped crying and just went numb, she was talking and I nodded and said a few things, about me having a right to be angry and I need to let myself feel angry, that I have so much to be angry about, anger wont hurt me its okay its an emotion, let myself feel it, it wont hurt me, not feeling it will hurt me ( or cause me to hurt myself)...I just went numb, I hadnt eaten all day and it was 6pm, it made me numb and i was cool with that..She says that I am relying way to much on meds and starving to manage my feelings and that it is NOT helping me, I need to learn to me she says, at least feel with me and K and pdoc, if you cant be real anywhere else practice with us, you are safe with us, its okay to feel...

sure yeah okay..

I drive to kids T sessions...

I drive them all sean (mikes oldest)...I eat my (small) dinner its 8 pm...Sean calls back and he is flipping pissed, wants to kill the fuckers...and I flashed back to Mike and his rage...I got off the phone with Sean and had a freaking panic attack..I wasnt numb anymore ( I ate) and I was scared shitless ( I guess Sean triggered it with his anger) I felt completely arm went numb, I could feel it..I was hyperventalating...IT SUCKED!!

I had to keep telling myself I was safe, Im okay, I will be okay, I will not die, I am safe...and I was...I was able to come back to reality my arm regained feeling, I was left super freaking anxious and drained...and I sat there thinking "Seriously, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, how much can a girl take"

and I am left to wonder...what the hell is going to happen next???

I am sitting here thinking that my life reads like some crazy trashy novel...which reminds of the cute comment S made as I left her office..."if your going to blog about this you better do some kinda copyright thing, someones going to steal your story, your life is going to make one hell of a book someday."

Yeah a book..will I end up being the Hero, or will I be defeated...right now I feel so freaking defeated...

oh yeah this isnt a story or some shitty novel..its my life...the end isnt written yet... and I am not picking the chactacters. I am suppossed to be living it or creating it or something like that but crap...LIFE STOP THROWING ME CURVEBALLS...I DO NOT PLAY BASEBALL, IM ON MY LAST STRIKE, IF YOU DONT THROW ME SOME BALLS I WILL BE OUT ...JUST WALK ME JUST THIS ONCE, CAUSE REALLY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

okay as always Love, Tara

Sunday, June 13, 2010

not much to say

but I am safe...

the new meds seem to be helping some...

I AM TAKING THEM AS DIRECTED...except for the food part :(

I cancelled my appointment with K, I dont want to talk about the food I am/not eating....i will just get back on track and see her next week...fingers crossed.

Tomorrow I will shower, and I will do something other then lay in my bed and cry...I actually have to meet another one of my sisters bridesmaids and discuss the shower we are planning...2 hours of bridal shower planning should be fun NOT!

but I will try to not let in trigger me into an extreme grief episode thats what they are calling it now...

Oh on a positive note I called a place called "Haven House" they offer services regaurding grief and loss of all kinds including suicide support groups, and classes...I really think it will help, to see how other people are getting through this...anyway...I made the call...which is the first step.

Hope you all had a good weekend and that I can bring you some good news at somepoint this week, if not Ill just fake it :)

Love, Tara

Friday, June 11, 2010

I didnt fall in...

I jumped...

My eyes were opened...

I knew where I was going...

I am now sitting at the bottom of a deep,dark hole...

I will sit here until I waste/rott away...

dont give me a ladder...

dont throw me a rope...

Life is to hard...

I cant do it...

So here I will sit...until the end...

Im sorry...

I tried...

I just dont have any fight left...

Its buried in the ground...along with my soul...

He stole it all, so I will sit here and wait for my fate to come...

I did try...its just to hard.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Things I meant to show you but forgot...

Since you all know me and the pic thing dont do well...heres the run down:

first pic: NEW NON MINI VAN CAR!!!!

second pic: MY "RATIONAL MIND" box!!!!

Third pic: some of the contents of said box!!!

fourth pic: new photos I had taken of my children dressed like they were from the depression era...

Love, Tara

and yes Im posting twice in like 2 hours cause too many meds..not enough food leaves me well wierd ;)

Stupid is... Stupid does...

first I want to apologize to all whom I may have worried because of my ingenious idea, that indeed failed miserably...How 6oz of voodka 8 klonipin, numerous other meds and 3 over the counter sleeping pills did not knock me out, well Im really not sure, but it didnt, it just made me stupid and cry even more, I cried from grief I cried from still being awake, I cried because in my stupid state I emailed S and well ofcourse she freaked out...but since I was still able to coherently write (not sure how) she asked me questions...The questions are as follows and will be talked about in depth tomorrow (note I didnt respond to her email but i read it)

"Tara, I know you are in deep pain, and I wish I could could ease some of it for you, your answer to todays grief is not the correct one it will only prolong you dealing with what it is that needs to be dealt with, tell me something, what exactly is it that you are greiving, is it Mikes death, and the traumatic way in which he died, is it the life you now know that can never come to fruition or is it the life that you had wanted so despertly with him, that he could never give you. Im not going to sugar coat this for you, Im not going to let you selectivly remember the "Good MIKE". Mike was not a good husband, he abused you, he tormented you and hurt you, and yes in his own slightly diranged way he loved you, but he could never love you the way you deserved to be loved, he was obsessed with you, you know that, you know his feelings about/toward you were unhealthy for both of you, he was hurting you and hurting himself by not admitting his own very deep sickness....I want you to think about the truth, what it is that is hurting so much, we will talk about it on friday morning and all I can say about tonights actions is DO NOT DO IT AGAIN!! its not safe, its very dangerous and its going to force me to "contract" you, and neither of us wants me in the morning, and you know where the only comfort you will truely recieve remains...your lord, so next time you feel you have no other option look to your faith, fall to your knees and pray, as I will be praying for you tonight as well...YOU WILL BE OKAY, I promise."

Sooooo....Im a dumbass...I do stupid things, get myself in hot water and possiably a contract and all for what another night of sobbing into my time I tell you I have this great Idea to release some of my pain, just remimd me "STUPID IS....STUPID DOES"

plus it leaves you sick to your tummy the next day which ED enjoys but your tx team HATES...SO TARA, STOP BEING A DUMBASS, PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS, AND BUCK UP!

hahahahaha my big girl pants dont fit, they are to big, dam cant do anything right...

okay more drama at least not for today.

ps, havent sobbed in an hour and a far its a new record (BLAHHHHHH)

as always love love


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Self medication...

If you are easily triggered by someone elses stupidity dont read this.

I have been sobbing for nearly 36 hours straight, I saw my pdoc this morning and barely made it there, due to the tears that wouldnt stop...I looked like shit, swaet pant and a T-shirt and it was cold I forgot my jacket cause I couldnt think, I suppose sitting in a chair with my arms wrapped around my legs crying into my knees lets soemone know you are not in a good place, she lightly touched my arm and guided me to her office just a few steps away..I collasped into "my Chair" resumed my position and continued to sob, Isaiah was with me and I knew it was bad but i couldnt stop I just couldnt, she brough Isaiah out to Krista the receptionist and said you need to take care of him for a bit ( she was thrilled she loves Isaiah, and calls him her little boyfriend so I didnt feel like i was imposeing to much)

she talked, i sobbed, she asked me what I was feeling, I couldnt talk, she started nameing feelings and I just nodded as she said the ones that applied to me...did I miss anything she asked Me" "complete devastation" sobbing once again, trying to swallow to remove the lump that wouldnt leave my throat...I literlly tried pulling it down with my hands grabbing at my neck...she said some wonderful things, told me this is all normal well slightly extreme grief but somehow because I am so strong she just knows I will find the light even if I cant see it now... and I cant...

I was going to email my therapist my ingenious idea of how to end my pain just for today but im afraid she will like call someone to come and take me away so you guys get the joy of reading about my stupidity....

my mom gets home in 2 hours she taking the three hoodlems out to dinner and to the bounce whats my plan...a few shots of good old fashioned voodka straight just to wash down the extra klonipin I will be taking to hopefully induce a wonderful self medicated coma...just for tonight...I need it...I cant keep feeling like this, I just wont survive...I need a reprieve....I need a break...I need some tonight Im self medicating...I dont care at 5 (hopefully I will be out cold)

yep sometimes I m stupid but with my plan I feel slightly less desperate...dont scold me, I deserve this.

sorry no one ever said I was a smart one


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Autobiography in Five sections by Portia Nelson

You may have or may not have heard this before, I have by my T, but if you havent its just a few short paragraphs but it speaks volums> and even if you have heard it, I think it bares repeating!

I walk down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It is'nt my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I dont see it.
I fall in again.
I cant believe I'm in the same place.
But it isnt my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall is a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It IS my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk AROUND it.

I walk down a different street.

What paragraph are you at?

I believe I am at #3...need to work on walking around the hole and finding a different street!

Happy Tuesday

Love, Tara

Monday, June 7, 2010

Inspired by my 3 yr old...

he said it all so perfectly...

"I dont want to play anymore..."

and I dont...

Im tired of...everything...

it all seems like this has been some sick game the world is playing on me, and you know what? I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE!!!

(im safe)

but damit I do not want to do this anymore...





Sister (aka Ed therapist to law school grad who cant deal with shit so she starves and exercises and no one thinks she has a problem cause she is overweight...FYI if you lose like 35 lbs in 2 months even if you were "fat" to start with its a PROBLEM)

Im Tired...

I dont want to be a patient anymore, (like I want to quit S and K, they just are to invested in me and WONT let me, which I guess is a good thing but when you dont want to talk it BLOWS)

EVERYTHING IS SOOOOOO HARD....and the shitty thing that makes me not want to play that....THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT.

I see no light at the end of the tunnel, not even a glimmer of a candle....deep sigh...

oh whoa is me, pity me blah blah blah...

yeah thats another thing Im tired of being the girl everyone pities,

sorry if this seems all pity me pity me its just how I feel,

So if you read this and think...poor girl...just ...well tell me to just do it, get on with it and try...just be gentle cause man im so so tired.

exhaustingly yours,


Saturday, June 5, 2010

Zack...he wants a new DADDY...

Seriously, as we sat outside the roller rink today, they were eating their icecream (well Zack frozen yogurt cause hes still afraid of sugar)

This is what he said:

" Do you see all these kids with thier daddys, i want one, when are you going to get married again so I can have a daddy?'

Me:"Oh...If I ever get married again, he wont be your daddy he'll be your step father but you could call him your daddy if you want to"

Alyssa pipes in " I will always hate him"

Zack: "why? dont you want a daddy to do "daddy" things with you? I want a new daddy! Mommy who can you marry now?"

Me: "it would nt be for a long time Zack, but if you wanted to call him dad you could but you wouldnt have to.

Alyssa: "I will always hate him."

Zack: " I will call him dad, I want one, one that loves me and will never leave."

Isaiah : "my daddy took me took me to chuck e cheese yesterday."

Alyssa : "no, hes dead, I dont want a new daddy!"

Me: "Alyssa, He wouldnt have to be your "new" daddy, but he would have to love you like a father loves his daughter, he would always be therefore you, you would never want that?"

Alyssa: " I dont know, he could do things with me but I wont like him."

Zack: " well if he loves me then I will love him, and he will be my daddy!"

Me: "its a long way into the future, lets just worry about US being a family, when and if there comes a time to worry about having another man in our home we will, right now lets just be okay with being us."

Zack: "okay but can you look for a daddy for us"
Me: not right now...Im not ready"

Zack: "when you are, can you tell me, so I can look"

Me: "I will let you know...

Alyssa: " I will hate him, but he can be my friend"

Me: "okay, so when we are ready we will talk again"

Isaiah: " I loved my daddy, but he died"

Me : " I know but hes watching over us"

Zack: " okay just tell me okay"

Me: "okay I will...."

Did I do it right? what was i supposed to say? He wants a daddy, Im thinking "BIG BROTHER" right now...God , Im so sad...

My babies...they are so lost...

what would have said?

Love, Tara

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

House cleaning

Back ground:For those that know me more outside of my blog you may be more aware then others that I LOVE TO CLEAN. I might have put it in posts here and there about my "obessional" cleaning, but the truth is while sometimes I take it to far I also throughly enjoy it, I love to see something that was once dirty and in disarray clean and orderly, Im good at it and it gives me a sense a pride to see what my hands have Ill just say it, Hi my mame is tara and I LOVE TO CLEAN!! maybe it makes me wierd, but it also makes me a good house wife...but thats another story...:(

This weekend I had to start to the process of cleaning my house, mine and mikes house, the house that he built with his 2 hands from the ground up, the house was built in 1920 and in 2002 Mike and his father gutted the entire house and rebuilt from the ground up....we moved into the house in 2003 with our new daughter,and besides the birth of our children, I know that the completion of that house was his proudest accomplishment. HE LOVED THAT HOUSE, why he choose to end his life there I dont know, maybe because it was where he felt that was where his (our) life truley began so that was where it should end too...I dont know, I never will, so I suppose I should stop guessing as to why he did what he did where he did it.

anyway, I am selling our house, I could never live there again, its filled with memories some good, allot of bad and now it is filled with the horror of being his place of death, so if there was any question in anyones mind as to why I cant live there know that is the resaon. So I am forced to clean it, to pack what I want and to sell/donate the rest...I spent 3 hours in our home on sunday...(it was the 3rd time I had been there since his death, niether of the other times went well, I had complete meltdowns...I knew this time wouldnt be any different, but it has to be done) Its not something someone can do for me at least not this part, I needed things, our pictures, letters, cards, personal things no one can get for me ( plus some of it is no ones buisness to read) I had to be the one to do it...Sean, Mikes oldest son (hes 19) met me at the house on sunday so he could see what he wanted, hes 19, never on time and I just assumed this time would be no different but I gave myself some extra time to have my "meltdown" before he got there...I slowly unlocked the door, I plugged in my radio, blasted some christian radio, opened all the windows, and collapsed onto the floor in heaps and globs of tears and wailing sounds, the grief and emotion was over taking me and I was starting to lose control, somehow I pulled myself to my feet and stumbled ingto the kitchen where his medication was I gripped the counter and flung the pills and all the containers on the counter onto the floor, I threw a half drunk wine bottle into the sink and heard the glass shatter...I grapped a basket of pictures, and cards from the cabinet walked into the dining room and with tears streaming down my face, I began to look/sort through the pictures and cards...I started to convulse again, and then I heard the music turned down, I looked up slightly and saw my step-son and his girlfriend walk him he walked over to me and grabbed me and hugged me and whispered it was okay, he held me for a while as we cried together...finally I pulled myself together, and stood up, I held him and said that he shouldnt have to be the one to comfort me...I looked at him and saw the 7 yr old boy that we used to take dirt bike riding...I looked again and saw the man he had become, I was awestruck, he is much taller then mike, over 6 feet, and strong, very fit, but his face, his face looks just like mike when mike was young...Mike didnt age well but when he was young he was very handsom (never fit mind you but attractive in the face, and he had the biggest brown eyes, the eyes that Zack and Sean have...)I saw Mike in Sean that day and it hurt...

Finally the 2 of us pulled ourself together and we talked, he going to buy a house with the money I gave him so he wanted some of our furniture, he took Mikes leather jacket, the one I bought him 11 yrs ago, I wanted sean to have it...he looked around, asked for a few things of which I gave him...we walked outside and remembered the good about mike, and then we hugged and he left...and I was left alone with our home.

Id like to say I had gotten out all my emotion earlier and went in to pack but I guess I hadnt, I flung a few more items across the floor, smashed a couple toys and collasped again...when I finally pulled myself together, I was able to start the process...I packed several boxes with our books, pictures, dvds....I started to clean up the kitchen a bit...The police, EMTs, and coroner were all in the house and left thing as they were, I imagine they took lots of pictures, because even though it was suicide, its still considered a crime scene til the autopocy is completed, things were in disarray, it looked like he made himself "his last meal" before he did it....there was a pan in the sink along with a plate and silverware...ofcourse it could have been from the day before, I will never know...

I went upstairs to the kids room collected there newer toys ( the ones they had gotten for christmas ( he did this just 13 weeks after christmas, so yes it june now, but there were still things there really never played with,) I took down there awards and our wedding plaques (yes we had 2) I put them all in boxes, I took a few of his shirts ( they still smelled like him)...I looked in the washer and dryer, there were still clothes in both...I started to sob again and with tears streaming down my face I carried the boxes, pictures and toys to the car...I didnt finish cleaning...I didnt complete the job...most likely it was the first time I started something and didnt finish it, but I couldnt.

I took my radio.

I closed and locked the windows.

I turned off the lights and locked the door.

I sat down on the front steps and leaned against the post.

I lit a cigerette and smoked just like I always had, right where I had always sat...

I looked up and saw a bird.

I walked back to the front door...kissed my hand and touched it to the door.

I said my home.

I walked to my car...turned the key, looked over, looked foward again and drove away.

Im not done cleaning and fixing my house, but I will hire people to clean and paint, and to take care of the yard...I have what I need, I have what I wanted...I said goodbye and while the work was left unfinished, when I closed the door I closed a chapter on my life.... so in a way I did finish the job, I just didnt know it....when I got there I had one intention ( a mission to clean) but when I left I saw the bigger picture...Im sad to be selling our home, but really its not the house Im sad about, its that I lost my best friend, its that the hole in my heart that may never be filled...

I can say one thing though...the house isnt clean but I did my job.