Back ground:For those that know me more outside of my blog you may be more aware then others that I LOVE TO CLEAN. I might have put it in posts here and there about my "obessional" cleaning, but the truth is while sometimes I take it to far I also throughly enjoy it, I love to see something that was once dirty and in disarray clean and orderly, Im good at it and it gives me a sense a pride to see what my hands have done...so Ill just say it, Hi my mame is tara and I LOVE TO CLEAN!! maybe it makes me wierd, but it also makes me a good house wife...but thats another story...:(
This weekend I had to start to the process of cleaning my house, mine and mikes house, the house that he built with his 2 hands from the ground up, the house was built in 1920 and in 2002 Mike and his father gutted the entire house and rebuilt from the ground up....we moved into the house in 2003 with our new daughter,and besides the birth of our children, I know that the completion of that house was his proudest accomplishment. HE LOVED THAT HOUSE, why he choose to end his life there I dont know, maybe because it was where he felt that was where his (our) life truley began so that was where it should end too...I dont know, I never will, so I suppose I should stop guessing as to why he did what he did where he did it.
anyway, I am selling our house, I could never live there again, its filled with memories some good, allot of bad and now it is filled with the horror of being his place of death, so if there was any question in anyones mind as to why I cant live there know that is the resaon. So I am forced to clean it, to pack what I want and to sell/donate the rest...I spent 3 hours in our home on sunday...(it was the 3rd time I had been there since his death, niether of the other times went well, I had complete meltdowns...I knew this time wouldnt be any different, but it has to be done) Its not something someone can do for me at least not this part, I needed things, our pictures, letters, cards, personal things no one can get for me ( plus some of it is no ones buisness to read) I had to be the one to do it...Sean, Mikes oldest son (hes 19) met me at the house on sunday so he could see what he wanted, hes 19, never on time and I just assumed this time would be no different but I gave myself some extra time to have my "meltdown" before he got there...I slowly unlocked the door, I plugged in my radio, blasted some christian radio, opened all the windows, and collapsed onto the floor in heaps and globs of tears and wailing sounds, the grief and emotion was over taking me and I was starting to lose control, somehow I pulled myself to my feet and stumbled ingto the kitchen where his medication was I gripped the counter and flung the pills and all the containers on the counter onto the floor, I threw a half drunk wine bottle into the sink and heard the glass shatter...I grapped a basket of pictures, and cards from the cabinet walked into the dining room and with tears streaming down my face, I began to look/sort through the pictures and cards...I started to convulse again, and then I heard the music turned down, I looked up slightly and saw my step-son and his girlfriend walk him he walked over to me and grabbed me and hugged me and whispered it was okay, he held me for a while as we cried together...finally I pulled myself together, and stood up, I held him and said that he shouldnt have to be the one to comfort me...I looked at him and saw the 7 yr old boy that we used to take dirt bike riding...I looked again and saw the man he had become, I was awestruck, he is much taller then mike, over 6 feet, and strong, very fit, but his face, his face looks just like mike when mike was young...Mike didnt age well but when he was young he was very handsom (never fit mind you but attractive in the face, and he had the biggest brown eyes, the eyes that Zack and Sean have...)I saw Mike in Sean that day and it hurt...
Finally the 2 of us pulled ourself together and we talked, he going to buy a house with the money I gave him so he wanted some of our furniture, he took Mikes leather jacket, the one I bought him 11 yrs ago, I wanted sean to have it...he looked around, asked for a few things of which I gave him...we walked outside and remembered the good about mike, and then we hugged and he left...and I was left alone with our home.
Id like to say I had gotten out all my emotion earlier and went in to pack but I guess I hadnt, I flung a few more items across the floor, smashed a couple toys and collasped again...when I finally pulled myself together, I was able to start the process...I packed several boxes with our books, pictures, dvds....I started to clean up the kitchen a bit...The police, EMTs, and coroner were all in the house and left thing as they were, I imagine they took lots of pictures, because even though it was suicide, its still considered a crime scene til the autopocy is completed, things were in disarray, it looked like he made himself "his last meal" before he did it....there was a pan in the sink along with a plate and silverware...ofcourse it could have been from the day before, I will never know...
I went upstairs to the kids room collected there newer toys ( the ones they had gotten for christmas ( he did this just 13 weeks after christmas, so yes it june now, but there were still things there really never played with,) I took down there awards and our wedding plaques (yes we had 2) I put them all in boxes, I took a few of his shirts ( they still smelled like him)...I looked in the washer and dryer, there were still clothes in both...I started to sob again and with tears streaming down my face I carried the boxes, pictures and toys to the car...I didnt finish cleaning...I didnt complete the job...most likely it was the first time I started something and didnt finish it, but I couldnt.
I took my radio.
I closed and locked the windows.
I turned off the lights and locked the door.
I sat down on the front steps and leaned against the post.
I lit a cigerette and smoked just like I always had, right where I had always sat...
I looked up and saw a bird.
I walked back to the front door...kissed my hand and touched it to the door.
I said goodbye...to my home.
I walked to my car...turned the key, looked over, looked foward again and drove away.
Im not done cleaning and fixing my house, but I will hire people to clean and paint, and to take care of the yard...I have what I need, I have what I wanted...I said goodbye and while the work was left unfinished, when I closed the door I closed a chapter on my life.... so in a way I did finish the job, I just didnt know it....when I got there I had one intention ( a mission to clean) but when I left I saw the bigger picture...Im sad to be selling our home, but really its not the house Im sad about, its that I lost my best friend, its that the hole in my heart that may never be filled...
I can say one thing though...the house isnt clean but I did my job.