Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Self medication...

If you are easily triggered by someone elses stupidity dont read this.








I have been sobbing for nearly 36 hours straight, I saw my pdoc this morning and barely made it there, due to the tears that wouldnt stop...I looked like shit, swaet pant and a T-shirt and it was cold I forgot my jacket cause I couldnt think, I suppose sitting in a chair with my arms wrapped around my legs crying into my knees lets soemone know you are not in a good place, she lightly touched my arm and guided me to her office just a few steps away..I collasped into "my Chair" resumed my position and continued to sob, Isaiah was with me and I knew it was bad but i couldnt stop I just couldnt, she brough Isaiah out to Krista the receptionist and said you need to take care of him for a bit ( she was thrilled she loves Isaiah, and calls him her little boyfriend so I didnt feel like i was imposeing to much)

she talked, i sobbed, she asked me what I was feeling, I couldnt talk, she started nameing feelings and I just nodded as she said the ones that applied to me...did I miss anything she asked Me" "complete devastation" sobbing once again, trying to swallow to remove the lump that wouldnt leave my throat...I literlly tried pulling it down with my hands grabbing at my neck...she said some wonderful things, told me this is all normal well slightly extreme grief but somehow because I am so strong she just knows I will find the light even if I cant see it now... and I cant...

I was going to email my therapist my ingenious idea of how to end my pain just for today but im afraid she will like call someone to come and take me away so you guys get the joy of reading about my stupidity....

my mom gets home in 2 hours she taking the three hoodlems out to dinner and to the bounce house...me whats my plan...a few shots of good old fashioned voodka straight just to wash down the extra klonipin I will be taking to hopefully induce a wonderful self medicated coma...just for tonight...I need it...I cant keep feeling like this, I just wont survive...I need a reprieve....I need a break...I need some rest...so tonight Im self medicating...I dont care at 5 (hopefully I will be out cold)

yep sometimes I m stupid but with my plan I feel slightly less desperate...dont scold me, I deserve this.

sorry no one ever said I was a smart one

Tara

10 comments:

battleinmind said...

I don't have any good advice or helpful sayings, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking and praying for you. You are a really good person.

xxxx

Lindsey said...

This post makes me really sad. I hope that you are able to deal with these feelings soon. (The longer you put off dealing with them, the longer you'll wait to deal with them).

Maybe you could go with the boys tonight, too? If you do end up staying home, just be careful. Take it easy.

-Lindsey

Eating Alone said...

Well it's after 5 so I don't think your listening but, remember that what your talking about doing could be very dangerous. I don't want to see you hurt. I would rather you called your Pdoc and left a VM for them, even if we are deprived for a short while, short we can deal with, forever is too long.

Zena said...

still awake..still hurting...I researched how many benzos I can take before things not so great happen...got 3 left..taking them now...god please KNOCK ME OUT!!! I cant take this much more..

dont worry about me...its not a death wish just some pain relief :(

Eating Alone said...

Sorry about the pain. I can only equate it to the physical stuff after the surgery. I know I was hitting the percs hard to sleep. For years I did the self medicate with eating so much food I almost exploded. I'm still not ready to face it. I just see how hard your struggling and wish I could make it better.

Oreo sends her love.

sarahlynn said...

Lovely... GOD, I know how bad that level of grief hurts. I've been hit by it too many times the last few months. NOTHING hurts more than that grief, and it takes everything you've got not to die from the pain. I do understand, as best I can.

I can't promise it goes away, but in the morning or tomorrow or the next day... it won't hurt at this level anymore.

Please be safe. I'm pretty sure your weight plus metabolic level and digestion might make taking extra drugs/alcohol more dangerous than the normal person. But what can I say? When I reach that point I take a bunch of benadryls and cry myself to sleep.

Take care of yourself, birdy-girl. Tomorrow will come.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Oh, Tara - I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I can understand wanting to escape, but this could be dangerous. Please let us know in the morning that you are okay.

{{{Hugs}}}

Angela

firefly said...

curses on both of us. I didn't think I was going to make it either. Top it off lost bracelet. Hang in there!

Zena said...

Im okay...slightly stupid and not thinking quite right...but I slept some, sorry for worrying you all, its just such a deep wound and I need something to fill the void...I will talk to S about this tomorrow, this really is no way to cope, it will lead me down a bad path, again Im sorry, but thankyou for my concern, and yes I still cried myself to sleep...

belinda said...

just be careful honey.
accidents can happen.
i do worry for you but i'm glad you can see this isn't a "good" way to deal. x