If you are easily triggered by someone elses stupidity dont read this.
I have been sobbing for nearly 36 hours straight, I saw my pdoc this morning and barely made it there, due to the tears that wouldnt stop...I looked like shit, swaet pant and a T-shirt and it was cold I forgot my jacket cause I couldnt think, I suppose sitting in a chair with my arms wrapped around my legs crying into my knees lets soemone know you are not in a good place, she lightly touched my arm and guided me to her office just a few steps away..I collasped into "my Chair" resumed my position and continued to sob, Isaiah was with me and I knew it was bad but i couldnt stop I just couldnt, she brough Isaiah out to Krista the receptionist and said you need to take care of him for a bit ( she was thrilled she loves Isaiah, and calls him her little boyfriend so I didnt feel like i was imposeing to much)
she talked, i sobbed, she asked me what I was feeling, I couldnt talk, she started nameing feelings and I just nodded as she said the ones that applied to me...did I miss anything she asked Me" "complete devastation" sobbing once again, trying to swallow to remove the lump that wouldnt leave my throat...I literlly tried pulling it down with my hands grabbing at my neck...she said some wonderful things, told me this is all normal well slightly extreme grief but somehow because I am so strong she just knows I will find the light even if I cant see it now... and I cant...
I was going to email my therapist my ingenious idea of how to end my pain just for today but im afraid she will like call someone to come and take me away so you guys get the joy of reading about my stupidity....
my mom gets home in 2 hours she taking the three hoodlems out to dinner and to the bounce house...me whats my plan...a few shots of good old fashioned voodka straight just to wash down the extra klonipin I will be taking to hopefully induce a wonderful self medicated coma...just for tonight...I need it...I cant keep feeling like this, I just wont survive...I need a reprieve....I need a break...I need some rest...so tonight Im self medicating...I dont care at 5 (hopefully I will be out cold)
yep sometimes I m stupid but with my plan I feel slightly less desperate...dont scold me, I deserve this.
sorry no one ever said I was a smart one