Monday, June 7, 2010

Inspired by my 3 yr old...

he said it all so perfectly...

"I dont want to play anymore..."

and I dont...

Im tired of...everything...

it all seems like this has been some sick game the world is playing on me, and you know what? I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE!!!

(im safe)

but damit I do not want to do this anymore...

Recovery..

Grief...

Referee...

Daughter...

Sister (aka Ed therapist to law school grad who cant deal with shit so she starves and exercises and no one thinks she has a problem cause she is overweight...FYI if you lose like 35 lbs in 2 months even if you were "fat" to start with its a PROBLEM)

Im Tired...

I dont want to be a patient anymore, (like I want to quit S and K, they just are to invested in me and WONT let me, which I guess is a good thing but when you dont want to talk it BLOWS)

EVERYTHING IS SOOOOOO HARD....and the shitty thing that makes me not want to play anymore...is that....THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT.

I see no light at the end of the tunnel, not even a glimmer of a candle....deep sigh...

oh whoa is me, pity me blah blah blah...

yeah thats another thing Im tired of being the girl everyone pities,

sorry if this seems all pity me pity me its just how I feel,

So if you read this and think...poor girl...just ...well tell me to just do it, get on with it and try...just be gentle cause man im so so tired.

exhaustingly yours,

Tara

6 comments:

jadedchalice said...

Im not going to tell you anything, and i dont pity you. I feel compassion for you and I care for you as do many people on here.

All I want for you is to see you be a little easier on yourself, and accept that all of these emotions are natural. I would ask that you try to let them flow through you understand them as they occur, and them make an attempt to let go of those emotions once you have experienced them for a short time. Then allow yourself the well deserved luxury of moving into the next emotion, distraction, anything to let yourself feel good for a bit, for a second, long enough to listen to a song you love, and see if it doesn't chance how your feeling in that moment.

Thats the best i can say is that though i know you have every right to every emotion you feel, i believe you DESERVE to be happy.

flaweddesign said...

whoa I feel you completely. I don't want to play anymore either. I don't think that was a pitiful post I think you said it how it is. I'm tired of being the patient and the sick one too...

You can be happy! You don't have to play by ED's rules...the power is within. That's not meant to minimize or even suggest that this battle is easy in ANYWAY...but conquering is possible.

PS: found you through a friend on here. I'm new to the blogging scene. If you don't want me following just let me know, s'all good. :

Zena said...

Thankyou both for your lovely comments...it means allot to know Im not alone....To feel feelings, such intense ones, when Im not used to feeling any at all is simply well just feels impossiable, I logiclly know its not, people survive, people recover, people live through such enormous losses, can/will I be that person. Right now I dont know, I know I need to, but needing and wanting are 2 entirely different things, Im trying, its just not getting easier...Im going to soon write a post about when I first tried ( and failed miserabley) to Recover, its going to stir up allot off emotions, hopefully some that will lead me back to what I am still fighting for...my life, or at least something that resembles one...and flaweddesign, I love new followers, new perspectives, I welcome all the comments and advice I can get, I soak them in and pray that they stick...right now I am feeling like I need some super glue...off to petsmart for some new fish to add to our collection and a new hamster cage(the one we have is a bitch to clean) ...hmmmm wonder if they sell super glue there...

love love, Tara

Nicole said...

Keep trying. I understand how hard and exhausting all of this is, and you are incredibly strong to have come so far. Don't give up on yourself. It's okay if you can't see the light all the way at the other the end of tunnel. You only need to see as far as your very next step. Take good care of yourself and keep hanging in there, you can do this.

*hugs*
Nicole

Eating Alone said...

Compassion isn't pity. And I think you are doing a great job moving on with your life. Guess what, it's going to take a long time. What you had to deal with before was major add to it what happened and how it affects your whole family and it's more than a lot of people could deal with.

Please be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. You are trying so hard to take care of your kids and you are doing it. It doesn't mean that it's going make them perfect right away but it will help them in the long run.

Hugs, David

Tia said...

we have so much in common! ED, 3-yr olds, my son is named Zach...

I hope to follow you along your struggle for recovery. I foundu through Julia's blog.

Tia @ Dietcolagirl