Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The report is ready...

The coroner report is ready...I have to call tomorrow at 8 am and speak to a women named susan so that I can have it sent to me...I have waited nearly 14 weeks for this report, secretly hoping it will say he was very drunkor heavily medicated and just so out of his mind he didnt know what he was doing...

I fear though it wont say that, in fact Im pretty sure, if he was so intoxicated {to the extent I am hopeing for) he wouldnt have been able to fasten the rope, he was not a small man (220 pounds) it would have had to do it "right" for it to have held him there all that time...

I really dont know what I should do...maybe get it and open it with S, maybe I shouldnt get it...I just feel like I need it, I need to know, ofcourse the answers very well could deeply hurt me....what if he was stone cold soberr and just did it anyway, what if he left us and he was sober, that it wasnt an accident that the phone that I called on the whole while he commited this act is missing ( although I am almost positive he threw down the basement stairs as I was interupting his plans)

I suppose I will call in the morning, maybe I will just get it and keep...til Im ready to knoe the truth...

I dont know

9 comments:

jadedchalice said...

wow sweetie I cannot imagine what this must be like for you. I seriously dont know how I would handle it but I do recommend you make sure someone is there with you when you read it, and also that you possibly have a support at home with you for the day after you read it, or even the next few days. I hope you will do that.

I know my first reaction would be to want to be alone in reading it so that I could be safe to express my emotions, but at the same time, I would also know that it wouldn't really be safe because without someone there I might choose to react in a way detrimental to me, and with someone there, perhaps they would stop me, or perhaps their very presence would ease the tension or help me to shift my thinking.

I hope you are ok, and when you read it, I hope you are safe and ok. Much love

Deanna

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I have to agree - please have someone with you when you read it. I feel you will need the support and you have been through so much already. Don't feel you have to do this alone. It also might be a good idea to have an appt. with your therapist soon after reading it to deal with the emotions it triggers in you.

Please take care.
Angela

firefly said...

O.k if you must get this report which I know you want reason but you may not find it there. Have it sent to S's office and have decide if you should read it. What questions will it really answer? It may seem cold just the facts left to make inferences from. It will just be pysical facts and not his thinking and we both know his thinking was off whether alcohol was involved it will tell you this but not other factors like depression etc. States of mind. I fear you will be disappointed because they do their best to get a picture of what happened but not the whole story. Have you ever watched Dr. G? Anyways if you are going to call have itsent to S's office. Does his parent's get a copy too? Hang in there!

i love bows:) said...

please know that im here for you and thinking of you.

i think in the end you will know what is right for you to do.

email me anytime you need to

lots of love
vics xx

Zena said...

Thankyou for all your kind support, I spoke with S (my T) last night , she is going to open it, I am going to ask questions and she will answer them based on what she thinks would be in my best interest to know, she will most likely keep the report so I dont in moments of grief go back and search for answers from it, I cant have it sent to her as only immediate family ( i think) are allowed to request the information. His parent dont even know its ready..I really only have a few questions...I need to know what drugs/alcohol was in his system and what time he died, and perhaps if he had somehow found out he had some deadly disease and couldnt handle it...I only think that because he has had a precaner pollops for 8 yrs...so maybe it turned into cancer...its a long shot i know but the question is still there...maybe he had a brain tumor that made him act irrational, i have heard of that before...i do realize i am grasping ar some short staws here but one never knows...it could explain his bizair behavior the last few years ( I saw that on Dr G once)
okay time to start the day...we Are of to six flags today...hopefully my tear ducts will stop working today

love, Tara

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Eating Alone said...

Please just leave it sealed and give it to her. Heck as soon as you get it drive it over to her and give it to her, even if you don't have an appointment. You don't need that in your life, house or mind right now.

Keep yourself and kids safe.

belinda said...

i agree with your decision to let S keep the report and you can ask questions but as firefly said.. the report can't give you insight into his state of mind that day. i understand you want answers, you want clarity in this confusing time, something to hold onto that makes sense. i get it.

what will you think if you find out that:
no cancer
no drugs
no alcohol
does it really change his state? he was sick honey and while these factors make it "easier" for us to understand their decision, it doesn't take away from the fact that M was struggling with withdrawals from alcohol, which you told me can leave one with terrible hallucinations and thoughts.

i'm not trying to tell you what to think or how to feel but just keep your mind open honey. this is one of the many keys to that day.

i love you and am here for you.
Xx

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Please let us know how you are. I have been praying for you, and hope you will be able to find peace at some point but know it will take much time.

Just one more thing - as the daughter of an alcoholic, I know my father often wasn't in his right mind even when he wasn't drinking. The alcohol abuse impacted his thinking and behavior at all times. I just hope you keep this in mind if you find out your husband did not have alcohol and/or drugs in his system when he committed suicide - he still was very, very sick.

Angela