Wednesday, June 30, 2010

real quick

I have like no time and wont be home all day but I just wanted to say that the report did not tell me what I wanted to know...he was very drunk .21 alcohol level....which well leads me to allot of assumptions because there was no physical way he could have strung a rope with a knot strong enough to hold his 230 pound body while that drunk, really i dont know how he stood up...in fact if he hadnt hung himself he would have ended up in the ER with his stomach being pumped, I know him, he most likely drank a liter of 99 bananas and then hung himself making the plan all day...there were so many steps he took that day while sober...including paying numerous bills...

I left S pretty numb...

we talked about some other stuff including a sandwhich which I will elaborate on later...

I really just dont know what to make of it...I looked at allot of pictures last night...I have had anorexia since before I knew him so in so many of the pictures (up to 2 yrs ago) I was very underweight...I have this strange notion that to somehow connect with our former life I need to emaciate myself again...I dont know why really, so I can look like the pictures and pretend its still "us" again...not really sure and I know its illogical...but well its how I feel...doesnt mean I will act on it but...

idk

okay I have to go I will update much better tonight

have a good day my lovelies

Tara

7 comments:

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I hope you are okay. Hugs and thoughts for you.

Know this will take some time to process and you might never have all the answers. But please don't go back down that road - I know you know it's dangerous and trying to climb out of being emaciated (which I am trying to do right now) is so very hard on you physically and mentally. Please tell you therapist about these thoughts if you have already.

Love, Angela

lisalisa said...

I'm sorry you didn't get the answers you were looking for. Like Angie said you may never get them. Are you going to any suicide survivor support groups? Maybe someone there can give you some insights on rebuilding a life without him.
(hugs)

firefly said...

I'm not sure what to say about the report. It doesn't answer all your questions and you may never have those answers. Umm why did you even keep pictures of being under weight? Anyways you need to remember that you weren't happy then either. Skinny didn't equal being happily married with Mike. I believe it may have caused some of the financial hardship you had. It may also have made your children worry about you and later lead to some of what you are dealing with them now. These children need stability and predictability. They do so well in school because they know the rules and know they can count on things at school being the same from day to day. At home they can tell when you aren't doing well. Kids just know these things. Please don't even think about going back to the ed. You can't afford to go back to the ed. Focus on Life. You have alot of support right now and you should be using it. NO Quitting!!!I've held back on the kid thing but that was and is your reality. I care for you and also your kids. I wouldn't say it if I didn't care. Maybe you need to hand over the pictures to S. Why would you go look at skinny pictures when you were already in a bad spot? Look behind those pictures. Was it all really that wonderful? I think refocusing on building a life now is what you should do. Ed doesn't equal happiness. Take care and eat your sandwich!!!!

belinda said...

i think rather than looking at the old pictures to see the "skinny", maybe you were just trying to reconnect? in general?

so much has changed, and maybe it's time for change? i'm not saying what happened is fair but it is what it is, we cannot change it. but what you can change is your present and consequently the future.

what would going back to emaciation really bring you? i understand the connection.

x

belinda said...

oh...
and i know you know the right answers hon ;)

X

Zena said...

I didnt look at the pictures to see the old skinny me...its just I was that was for 10 years of our life together...it was me, its what I looked like, i was just looking at our pictures...no its not what I look like anymore but somehow, in my IRRATIONAL mind I feel/felt...still kinda do ...that if I became what I was, I could keep what we had...I miss him so much...my heart aches..I know he was abusive, and hard to take...but I loved him because in his moments...he had a heart of gold, he would have died for me...and really I believe he did, and that...well that is what breaks me the most.

I will write more about what the report means to me and what assumptions I am making (true or not) from it...

really i just want a time machine...i want to go back 10 yrs, I want to have recovered in my first stint in tx...so I could have saved him...

I am so broken

and NO I will not emaciate myself...

it would do us no good

but at least it would take me back to when my baby was here

belinda said...

oh honey,
i really do hear you. i wish we could step back 10yrs and change things but we can't. it sux, pure and simple, it isn't fair. i'm sorry you are hurting so much.

sorry i missed you today, hopefully i'll catch you tomorrow.

x