Monday, August 25, 2008


I hate to say it but truth be told my dad is well.... was abusive. In lots of different ways...verbally, emotionally and at his worst and from what I fear the most to be true, sexually.

thats not to say that he does not have good qaulitys and for the most part I cant quite remember what happened but I know he crossed some serious boundries and is perhaps the reason behind my eating disorder. I dont say things like this in gest and take it quite seriously and really I hate to even talk about it but for my daughters sake I feel that I must.

Something happened this weekend when I went to visit my dad. something I would rather pretend didnt, but for As sake I must bring this up.

He tried to kiss her.

In a way that made her uncomfortable, you could was obvious and when she would go along with the kiss he grabbed her brought back memories, not good memories and struck me in such a way that I know something is wrong something is or was very wrong with my childhood.

there are blocks of time that are missing from my memory...time I wish I knew what happened and then there are times I wish I could forget.

Like the time he kissed me.

I remember how scared I was.

I remember running from the room.

I remember feeeling dirty.

and I wont let that happen to A.

How dod I do this girls?? How do I tell this man I have feared my whole life not to touch my daughter like that? what do I say?

Dont do that to A!!!!

DO what? he would say

your making her uncomfortable....and it FUCKING scares me!!!

could I say that to him...leave out the fucking part...

I need to protect A and at the same time I am so afraid of my dad, afraid that he might leave me again but maybe it would give me some control the kind of control that I never had growing up, maybe it might be the start of healing a healing that has needed to happen for a long time...sigh....

i need to talk to my dad

god I am just so scared

maybe I am scared of the truth, who said " the truth shall set you free"?? and will it really or will I just live in fear forever?

Love, Z

Thursday, August 21, 2008


didnt mean to worry anyone I have been just super busy with the day program...working the program doing the best I can to kick this Ed in the rear!!!

We had a joint session with the T up there today ( at the day program ) ( M and I ) it went great ..we talked about how he could better support me and how I need to stop shutting him out...ouch! I didnt even realize I did that, its amazing to what therapy does for you. I exchanged emails with S on tuesday and it went great. we discussed me working the program and her continuing her work with me when I am discharged...whew....let me back up...

SS the T up at the day program had made a comment to me about "Wondering if S would still see me cause sometimes Ts terminate with non-compliant patients" well ofcourse I freaked out...but I did it silently this time and kept it all to myself...I looked at her strangely but didnt say a word while I panicked inside..I was terrified and the thought that S might terminate me was ruminating in my mind..yep I was full bore on the verge of a panic attack!!!!

So I emailed S calmly and rationally and told her what SS had said and was there any truth to it or did she come up this of her own turns out she did, I mean S never said she would terminate her in fact she never even spoke with SS but now tha she knew who to contact she would surely be doing Wheeeeewwwwweeeee!!!!

S is not going to terminate me!

on to better things

A starts kindergarden in less then two weeks and I am freaking out, I am so worried shes not ready I mean with having a mom who has been in tx 2 summers in a row doing day programs and trying to get well I havent exactly been the most present mother in the world....So I am worried for her, they say its natural no parent thinks there child is ready to start school but I am just so nervous for her...ekkk i have mini panic atttacks whenever I think about it.

I really want to drink tonight

but I am resisting the urge I am useing allot of DBT skills, buts its freaking hard, man alive its hard.

I am back to taking my meds regularly which is good and I am working on the healing process.

I had a flat tire tuseday night...completely shattered flat, when its time for some new tires flat...another seems its been one thing after another lately ...

I ll be around more...but less if you know what I mean, I am cutting back on my computer use ( it became another complusion )

okay folks thats all she wrote...

Love, Zena

Sunday, August 17, 2008


I am fighting to win this battle with addictions, I caved last night and gave into the alcohol...I ate to much but didnt purge which is good...I also did allot of moving and somehow hurt my left foot..ohhhh it hurts, I went for a short run yesterday morning and then walked around an amusment park for 4 hours because .... we had Zacks 4th birthday party. He had a blast, the weather stayed nice so we stayed extra long and I am paying for all the extra exercise...

Anyway my stay in the hospital went well they were very strict on the food front and I think maybe I might make it, I am trying really trying this go around and I start the day program tomorrow so that will be good, and I they are going to call me for an alcohol evaluation I will be getting tx for that as well.

I miss S

I am tired and a little cranky about the foot situation...

I guess I dont have much to say these days Ill update when something of importance occures

Love, Zena

Friday, August 15, 2008

life on the inside

well ladies ...I m back and feeling well sort of out of it...not so sure what I will be posting about in the coming days, but know that I am safe, back on the road to recovery and feeling well

Love, Zena