Thursday, August 21, 2008


didnt mean to worry anyone I have been just super busy with the day program...working the program doing the best I can to kick this Ed in the rear!!!

We had a joint session with the T up there today ( at the day program ) ( M and I ) it went great ..we talked about how he could better support me and how I need to stop shutting him out...ouch! I didnt even realize I did that, its amazing to what therapy does for you. I exchanged emails with S on tuesday and it went great. we discussed me working the program and her continuing her work with me when I am discharged...whew....let me back up...

SS the T up at the day program had made a comment to me about "Wondering if S would still see me cause sometimes Ts terminate with non-compliant patients" well ofcourse I freaked out...but I did it silently this time and kept it all to myself...I looked at her strangely but didnt say a word while I panicked inside..I was terrified and the thought that S might terminate me was ruminating in my mind..yep I was full bore on the verge of a panic attack!!!!

So I emailed S calmly and rationally and told her what SS had said and was there any truth to it or did she come up this of her own turns out she did, I mean S never said she would terminate her in fact she never even spoke with SS but now tha she knew who to contact she would surely be doing Wheeeeewwwwweeeee!!!!

S is not going to terminate me!

on to better things

A starts kindergarden in less then two weeks and I am freaking out, I am so worried shes not ready I mean with having a mom who has been in tx 2 summers in a row doing day programs and trying to get well I havent exactly been the most present mother in the world....So I am worried for her, they say its natural no parent thinks there child is ready to start school but I am just so nervous for her...ekkk i have mini panic atttacks whenever I think about it.

I really want to drink tonight

but I am resisting the urge I am useing allot of DBT skills, buts its freaking hard, man alive its hard.

I am back to taking my meds regularly which is good and I am working on the healing process.

I had a flat tire tuseday night...completely shattered flat, when its time for some new tires flat...another seems its been one thing after another lately ...

I ll be around more...but less if you know what I mean, I am cutting back on my computer use ( it became another complusion )

okay folks thats all she wrote...

Love, Zena


firefly said...

I'm glad you are doing the program and are in it full force. Could you voice your concern to your therapist there about losing S. It would give you practice using your voice. It sounds like it was a scare tactic. inappropriate.
It's funny my mom's new job is testing all the new students(mostly the kinders) and helping placing them. Tomorrow is her first day. She had a list of site words etc and I was like that's for advance kinders. Most of mine learned letters and sounds in the beginning of the year. Get Dr. Jean music. She's awesome! Really helps the kids learn and it is music etc. I'm sure A will be fine but I could work something out to test her.(Give you the materials, things to look for etc)
Doesn't your Dr. have a group tonight???? Just wondering. Glad you are ok.Keep in touch!

belinda said...

hey zena!
i've missed you honey.
glad to hear the day program is working out for you :)

i'm soooo tired, so this is short
love you,

zubeldia said...

hi love, you're being so brave, sweety. What can we do to help support you?

love, Z

Sarah said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are working so hard. I'm really proud of you and I'm here for you, honey.


Zena said...

you guys are all the greatest support I could ever have really your great...Im kinda struggeling right now so I think it best to go to bed then to take the low road...but today was a pretty good day...a little less anxious (maybe the meds are finally working)!!!:)

a little better everyday except for the bodyloathing, but that suppossed to go away...RIGHT?

Love, Zena

belinda said...

Don't be too hard on yourself honey! Trish was explaining to me today that the mind sometimes can take a little while to catch up to a healthier weight. Like your behaviours change & that is fantastic but your mind takes a little longer to trust that you aren't going to return to the abuse. You know what I'm saying right?

I'm here with you to help you confront that anxiety. With each exposure you will have less fear :)

Love you,

firefly said...

I love you when I'm not drunk! Don't worry about A. She really will be fine. I left you a message.