Friday, July 30, 2010

The Earth is off its Axis

The Gulf turned black with oil that spewed from pipelines under the sea. Earth quakes are shaking all over the world killing thousands and thousands of people and leaving millions of more with out homes, food or water. Floods are consuming city's and towns, eradicating wildlife and plants that at one time flourished. Fires consume the earth destroying it, killing the soil and trees that once grew. People are dieing by thier own hands, jumping off bridges, throwing themselves in front of trains, swallowing lethal doses of medications, hanging themselves. Every 16 minutes someone attempts suicide and 30% of those people will succeed. Something is very very wrong in this world, Our earth is trying to tell us something, I will not stand on my soap box and preach to you what I think is wrong and what I feel is happening but i will say this to each one of us who are killing ourselves through our eating disorder .... That is not what was intended for us (you).

While it is entirely true we can not do anything about the Earth shaking, or floods, or fires, we can and we should be hyper aware that people are dying. From cancer and Heart disease, and too many things to mention. All of those things are beyond our control ( well maybe not heart disease...but you get my point). Death by suicide, whether it be from a gun or starvation IS within our control. Mental illness is kills..people who need help arent getting it, and some who are receiving help arent willing to participate in their own healing...This has to stop! We need to do something to stop this senseless phenomenon of people ending their own lives...I dont know the answer but I do know awareness is the key...

If someone you know is depressed, suicidal, sick with any type of mental illness, reach out to them, give them a number to call, tell them they are not alone, hold them, tell them their lives have meaning.

And for those of you who are reading this RIGHT NOW, who feel like you have NO ONE, I am here to tell you, you do have someone,GOD is with you, reach out, you are NOT alone, your life has GREAT value, this planet would miss you if you were not here...YOUR LIFE HAS GREAT PURPOSE!!!

Please everyone be safe, love yourself today, know you are of great value and are loved whether you feel it or not.

Much love, Tara


Im very sorry as I rushed to type and post this morning I posted some inacurate facts, not because I didnt know them but because I, well was in a hurry...the correct statistics are as follows...EVERY 16 MINUTES someone is successful in committing suicide across the U.S, I dont know of the facts for other countries, that 30%of all attemped suicides are successful and suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death of all men in the U.S. also women are 6 times more likely to attempt suicide but men are 3 times more likely to be successful...also...most men dont leave notes, their actions are much more dramatic and leave little to no room for, they use guns and hanging themselves, women tend to over dose and cut, either way they are desperate actions by desperate people...So if someone you know is hurting or if you are hurting...REACH OUT! LIFE IS ALREADY TO SHORT, we do not need anymore senseless deaths.

again Love Love, Tara

Monday, July 19, 2010

I am my own HERO!

28 days before my 9th birthday my father left our family, I was devastated, my life shattered, my hero....GONE.

I suppose its not normal for a nine yr old girl to read books like "Go ask Alice" and dream/wish I was Alice, that I could numb out like she did and suffer the way she suffered, I was 9 and wanted to hurt, hurt on the outside so that someone, anyone would know that my insides ached.

So I did what i could tolet those around me know that I was in pain...I screamed and yelled, I would hit my sisters and myself, I would threaten to jump out of windows, lock myself in the bathroom with the razor and tell my mother I was going to slash my wrists...I was literaly screaming for help, but no one came and my mother fell very ill with extreme anxiety and dehibilitating depression, she didnt get out of bed...for almost a year, at around the 6 month mark my grandmother came to live with us for what turned out to be 6 months, someone needed totake care of us, and apparently my attempts as a 9 yr old werent panning out as I thought they should be....I was 9, my middle sister (s) was 7 and (L) the youngest was 4, I thought I had it all under control, I fed my sisters ( so what it was mostly frosted mini wheats and Total cereal) I got my middle sister and I up for school and got us on the bus, I guess somehow my mother managed to bring my youngest sister to pre-school but when we returned from school she was either back in bed or cruled up on the couch in a ball...crying and shaking..

So my grandmother came to take care of her...oh and us I suppose...Life was very scary, I was afraid my mother would die or kill herself and that I would be left to take care of my sisters...( I didnt realize that they didnt let 9 yr olds have custody of thier I went on believeing I had to make sure everything stayed "okay" cause afterall it was my job)

I suppose it was then that I decieded that I needed someone to save us... but I dont think I realized that til I was about 13...until then it was me, I was the girl who would save her family...and I tried, I really did...and eventually my mother got better and started to retake over her role as the "mother" but by then I was bitter, who did she think she was taking over my job and telling me what to my 9 yr old self came back and I needed to hurt so that people would know that I was in pain...

I beleive that was the onset of my eating would come and go...I wouldnt eat for a day or 2 and then I would eat was fleeting, it wasnt serious and definately in my head was not a problem because if it was SOMEONE would have noticed, someone/anyone would have tried to save me from myself...but no one did...

my mother remarried ( well she became engaged when I was 14 freshmen yr highschool) and that was when Anorexia came to my rescue, Anorexia became my hero, it stopped the ache in my heart and made me feel strong, a few months after my mom remarried she noticed I had lost allot of weight, (she saw me changing in my room) she freaked out, and immediately called our pastor and her friend who was a nurse...they staged an dinner/intervention...when I refused to eat ( I was so relieved...they cared) it turned ugly...but as the night drug on I finally reached for the pretzels and began to eat...and as soon as I ate that first bite, I was cured, at least to my mother...and so highschool went on like that...I would eat/starve/exercise...gain/lose...over and over

and no one knew how much I hurt...all I wanted was someone to save me...

I graduated...

and became so depressed I couldnt get out of bed...I wanted to die, no one was coming to save me, there was no point...I needed this pain the pain of the last 9 yrs to end, but I was to afraid to do, so I turned back to my old hero..Anorexia...and this time, I jumped in deep...

I met Mike when I was 18 ( I graduated young 17) and I thought I had found my hero, it was him, surely he could rescue from my pain and my misery, surely he could love me enough so that the hate I had for myself would disapear...but he couldnt, he was sick too, he was 10 yrs older then I and a chronic severe alcoholic, he could be loving and sweet and wonderful and like dr.jeckell and mr.hyde he would change into what I look back on must have been some kind of incarnate of satan...beatings and tongue lashings of telling me how useless and worthless I was, that I was lucky he loved me because no one could ever love someone like me...followed by profuse apoligies, that it would never happen again, things would be better, that he loved me, to forgive him...and I ofcourse I did, in the mornings I would think my hero had returned and at night...he was gone.

sidenote: I was officially diagnosed with AN when I was 19 but I refused tx, denied I was sick and went on to live some half ass life.

The fallout came when I was 21, I hadnt seen my mom in sometime, I avoided her, I knew I didnt look well I didnt care and I had this great fear she wouldnt either so I just starved myself into nothingness...when I was 21 I collasped at work, my b/p was so low it was unreadable and my pulse was so high they couldnt count it...I couldnt see, or move, or talk, but I could hear...its kinda silly because as I look back on it my greatest fear was not that I was dying but that they were going to lift me from the floor and see how "fat"I was...( I worked in an alhiemers home) so when one of the custodians who worked there lifted me from the floor and layed me on the bed...and I heard his words and the fear in his voice "oh my...shes just bones..." see I wore scrubs to work, with many a layer underneath, yes they all knew I was thin and didnt eat but when they can see you because the emt's have ripped off your cloths to put moniters on you and possiable shock your heart back, they all saw the bones...I couldnt see but I could hear the gasps, and I was humilated.

As I layed in that hospital bed, surrounded by doctors my mother rushed in ( my supervisor called her) and she too was horrified by my appearance, I wasnt quite sure what they all saw, but my only thought was "NOW, someone will save me, Someone will be my hero"

The doctors informed my mother of my illness, that she needed to get me immediate help or I would die, she readily agreed, she insisted I come home to live and do a PHP program, that I gain weight, that I stop this abuse on myself...

Although the thought of going into a program and gaining weight terrified me, I was all for my mom taking over and saving me from myself...Finally, I thought hero.

But after 12 weeks in the program and minimal weight gain she was fustrated,as was I ....I was pretty naive to think that all I needed to be cured was for my mom to love me and take care of me...Ed was far to strong by that point, and I far to unwilling to participate in my own healing, after all it wasnt me that needed to change anything it was EVERYONE around me...couldnt they see I COULDNT help myself, I needed someone to save me, I needed a HERO.

I was Discharged from the program into the care of S, who was/is nuturing, and kind and loving, and strict and stern and understanding...and everything I wanted my mother to be...I moved back in with Mike because I was so angry at my mother for not saving me, and besides I had finally found her, my hero, yes S would save me, she would cure me and I wouldnt have to hurt myself anymore...

but yrs went by, I was still very sick...I had babies and stayed sick, I couldnt figure out why after so much therapy, so much tx, so much verbalization of how much I hurt inside NO ONE would save, I just didnt understand where my hero was.

So I stayed with Mike, we had 3 babies, the abuse/apology cycle continued and I stayed sick...I prayed that Mike would get better so he could save me...but after so long, I no longer wanted to be saved...death seemed like a nice option, I half assed attempted a few times but really I just wanted (again) someone to save me...

Last november the final straw was pulled when my tx team told me that if I didnt leave M, they would be forced to call child services as the violence in the home was just to much and they could get caught in the cross fire...that was all it took, them telling me that I could lose my kids, I left the next day, I was determined that even if I couldnt save myself I could save them.

But even though I left him, my hope for him to Recover and be my husband and thier father was not gone, I held onto that hope that all would be well until march 19 2010...that was when all my hope for my future and for someone to save was smashed...he was dead, I was alone...who was going to save me now.

I have spent the last 4 months in hell, afraid to move, to breath, to live ( all of those things are still true) but as I talked to S last friday, she asked me "Tara, what is it you want?...What are you waiting for?" I looked away from her and sat there in silence for about 2 minutes...and when I looked back, this was my response " I have been waiting for 20 yrs for someone to come and save me, I have been waiting for my knight on that white horse to ride me off into the sunset since I was a child. I am so scared. My Hero is not going to come, there is not going to be anyone comeing to save me, I have to save myself." as tears streamed down my face I continued..."Its time, I need to save myself, I NEED TO BE MY OWN HERO...its time."

She smiled, she came and put her arm around me and said "Yes...Yes its time, but you dont have to do it alone, I will help you learn how to be your hero, Im so proud of you...its time."

So I am sitting here writting, letting you all know, Im not waiting anymore...I will save myself, I will be my own HERO, my journey will not be a straight line, but it doesnt really matter because I am in charge of my destination...I am charting my course, I am not 9 anymore, I dont need someone else to save me, I can and will save myself...and when someone asks me who my hero is, I am will look them right in the eye and say ME!!

Be your own heros guys, its taken my 20 years to realize this, only we can save ourselves...but the good news its not to late...FINALLY I figured it out...I AM MY OWN HERO!!!

Love, Tara

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I have so much to say..

but things are all jumbleded in my brain...I cant make the words make sense right now, but I am here, still trying and moving foward...tomorrow a real post of what I really want to say..its good, some really good revalations...glad I didnt bail out on S like I planned...

okay til tomorrow when my head will be clearer ( fingers crossed)

Love, Tara

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Please Listen...I am choosing life...TODAY!!!

Love, Tara

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Earth...

Its just after 9 pm, I just spent a few moments laying outside in the grass, feeling the ground and the earth and just being still, trying to feel something other then pain...and momentarily I felt a sense of calm, as I ripped pieces of grass from the earth and placed them on my stomach I imagined myself becoming one with the earth, finding peace there. Trying not to breath in the pain of my existence but to breath in the life the earth gives us... I imagined myself as a stem of grass, growing up from the soil of the earth, pushing threw the soil, and breathing in the fresh air of life...and for a moment I felt it, I felt some life, peace...some relief...I wanted to become the earth, I wanted to just be the have only concerns of growing, producing oxygen, and showing others my beauty...and then as the grass piled onto my body my thoughts strayed away from beauty and turned to thoughts of the earth consuming me, swallowing me into it, bringing me into its core and leaving me there to rot, to deterioate and waste away into nothing...from dust we were born and to dust we will return.

I layed there and swelled with tears wondering in horror as to what my husbands body has become, is he just bones now...what is left of him...and why has this happened..

Is he dust yet?

Has he found peace??

Will I ever be able to accept this reality?

I can not wait another 50 odd years to know if he is okay, if he is happy, if he is heaven, Is his pain over??

I am unable to feel peace, no matter how my moment starts ... it ends in terror...I can not continue this way, my life has become a nightmare...

My anorexia was my illness, yes its an illness but at least I had some say in how I would/not recover...this...

This I have/had no way to fix it...

and so I wait..

from dust we were made and to dust we shall return...

Dear lord...I dont even know what to pray...

should I pray for dust??

I dont know really...

because really even this earth cant help me now

Sunday, July 11, 2010

le sigh..

i am sitting outside at our table on the deck watching 4 children swin in the pool, (alyssa has a friend over)...i was in the pool playing with them but my headache got so bad i needed to get having lots of them (headaches) lately, really the only explanation is stress, and there really isnt much end to that in sight so i guess i will just pop advil and deal with it... it crazy that everything I (we) do makes me so sad, i am consumed with the fact that hes dead, the thoughts/images surrounding his death never go away, no matter what i am doing they seep in, I feel like they are sufficating me, like i am emmersed in them like a pool and they are just everywhere....i want to get out of the pool but I cant seem to do it, there is no latter and the ledge is to slippery and I keep falling back in so I just stop trying and then I am engulfed in the horror and pain.

I keep saying I am just really sad, like if I just say sad then I cant be depressed, but i dont know I think I am only fooling myself...if i really look at how i feel, I think i am depressed....if it were up to me I would sleep all day everyday, i would just medicate myself to sleep...because once i fall asleep i cant get out of bed ( I mean I do but its soooo hard) i hit the alarm like 5-6 times, making me rush to get where i need to be because i couldnt get up...I recognize this as a problem because this is what leads me to start missing just becomes to hard to get much work and i cancel, usually from my bed.

and missing appointments leads to full on depression and relaspe...

and that CAN NOT happen, as there is no one but me to take care of the kids, I cant get so depressed that S says Im unsafe and need to go to hospital, cause well Mikes not here to take care of just me.

But what if I keep feeling like this and it just keeps getting harder and harder..I mean I have already had to stop typing 3 times because I either a) lost my train of thought or b)started to cry.

My heart is broken.

My dear friend and I spoke about dying from a broken heart, how it happens with animals and couples who have been together for a really long time, at the time I told her we were to young for that but I dont know anymore, i feel like i lost this huge part of me and without it i am slowly dieing...

and the funny thing is, right now my eating is okay, and i feel sooooo much worse emotional and physically then I did 2-3 months ago...(dont shoot me for saying this) but it makes me think maybe AN was somehow keeping me alive, that all these feelings all at once when you have been used to not feeling any for so long is just to much for my body and mind to handle.

it will be exactly 4 months next sunday....115 days ago today...and that is how i count my life now..its not the day of the week or the date...its by how long ago it was that he committed suicide...

im fucking sobbing right now...honostly this pain, i just dont know how much more i can take.


oh and I will have the pictures posted soon...just cant do it right now

Friday, July 9, 2010

so ...

I am leaving wildwood today, the kids had a great time and I will post pics ( like in a couple posts to show you there coolness) and dont get me wrong I DID have a good time, but I would be lieing if I said there wasnt this enormous hole in my heart the entire time, I felt it the first night we were here about 9 pm watching the sun set on the beach, the kids were slpashing in the water, running and jumping and digging in the sand, and I sat there half in the water and began to openly sob, I looked to the sky as the tears ran down my face and just could not believe he was gone, and the incrediable aloneness just didnt go the waterpark, the boardwalk, the amusement park, at breakfast, lunch, dinner, the beach the pool, there was the huge hole that just wouldnt go away...I think I hid it pretty well, the kids didnt know how sad I was and thats not to say I didnt have fun, but well that huge hole was there and it just wouldnt go away...

I suppose that it didnt help that there were so many famlies there and by families I mean "complete" families, mom, dad, kids...etc... and its really amazing at how many people just ask you ( not out of meanness or anything, maybe becasue I still wear my rings) where daddy? or say... what?? your husband should be helping with you with them. or, are they all yours, you need some help, tell there dad to get over here and help you! mostly I would just nod and smile, but it just made the hole bigger...we were in one store on the boardwalk, it was getting late, and they were over tired, looking for boogie boards, one would go one way and the other the other way, and one of the owners said to them "you better listen to your dont want her to have to tell your daddy..." Zack just looked at him and was like "hes dead, but she cn tell him if she wants..." sigh

its been almost 4 pretty sure i will be alone forever because i will never be able to give my hole self to someone else...and so the aloneness just gets bigger...i miss him so much, i can not describe to you the ache in my heart, the fustration in my being, that it is true, i am alone, I am an only parent which really seems so much different then a single parent...

If only I could turn back time...

sorry....just had to get it out...

a happy post to come soon...hope you all had a GREAT week!!

Love, Tara

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Wildwood here we come!!

The kids and I will be leaving for our Trip to wildwood tomorrow..its like a 6 to 7 hour drive ( with 3 kids 7 and under and just me) BUT I cant wait, to get outa here, to just hang out and be with my kids, to chill by the beach, head to ALL the amusement parks ( you can buy one ticket at a special price for each person and go to all the amusement/water parks on Motrie peir) So thats what we are doing, YEAH!!!!The resort we are staying at is called The port Royal Hotel, if you want to check out where we will be chilling :) and The Boardwalk, Yeah, I have never been so I pretty excited...This trip also has special meaning, I mean we could went anywhere, flown somewhere exotic, but Mike and I had always planned on taking the kids there, its where he spent many a summers as a child and he wanted them to experiance what he did...The kids know Daddy went there allot when he was kids , but they dont know about how we had made plans to take them there when Isaiah turned 3, well now hes 3 so I m taking them, it will in part be bittet sweet...I think I will take some time out for a couple hours one day and go to the beach myself ( they have activites that you can enroll the kids in for a few hours so you can have some adult time, so they will have fun and I can well just reflect some)

It was the same with The indoor water park, we had always planned to take them...everything when Isaiah turned 3 so they could all enjoy it...Hes missing allot, but I think he would be happy knowing I am carrying out our plans...

Not to be a downer but I think its super hard right now because I am so conflicted by so many things, he hurt me allot, but I loved him and always had hope he would change, he worked so hard but we never had any money, he spent allot on alcohol, and I had so many medical bills...allot of money "diappeared" but thats a whole different story with allot of assuptions so I wont go there...and NOW, my hope has been shattered, he will never be back, and now I have money ( Not like Im a millionare but enough, a hell of allot more then I ever had when he was here) Allot of the time it feels like blood money, but I know he did what he did ( before he died) to provide for us, I dont spend the money on me, I spend it on doing things with/for the kids ( with the exception of the car, but we all needed that cause mine was getting dangerous and sucking heaps of money from me)...anyway I suppose this should all be in a different post...

I am so looking foward to getting away, fun, sun, my kids what more could a girl ask for...and you know what Im actually looking foward to the food, I hear they have GREAT seafood, as its right by the water and I love seafood especially fresh, cooked the way I like, plus as wierd as it is I usually eat better when Im not at home, I dont know what it is, different atmoshere...I feel less pressure, and Im not labeled by anyone who doesnt know as the sick chic!!!

So we wil be back Friday night late, and even though I rarely comment anymore I read ALL your blogs regularly so even if you dont know it I will miss you all greatly.

So my computer does things backwards and even though I wrote this all first Im sure the pics will come up first, then the post, anyway I am putting up somem pics...FINALLY of our trip to Lake george...

Love always Tara

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I am frozen

I cant breath

I cant move

my sister will be here in 7 minutes to pick me up to go for her fittings and one of mine...

I need to brush my teeth

Im going to try to wiggle out of my dress fitting for a few more weeks...

I have the dress got it last week

its to big

I just want it to fit PERFECTLY, I dont want to make any changes because I chose not to eat for a month and am still trying to get back to where I was

Its her day

not mine

if my dress is to big she will worry, I dont want her to worry

and its a wedding

my boy is dead and she is beginning her life

I dont begrudge her

Im just so broken

She wants just her and I to go, so we can just get some time alone together

she wants to get dinner will be about 8pm, kinda late for dinner...but I have been "saving" for it all day so...

she will want some drinks too

That I am okay with, at least the food will go down easier.

Please Lord dont let me lose it when I see her in her gown, dont dear lord let me have a flash back to my wedding leaving me in heaps on the floor..

Let this be ALL about her..

okay, GET UP TARA AND GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, its okay just go do it

Brush your hair

put on your shoes...

You will be okay, meds are in the bag

okay breath Tara, you are okay

get unstuck

The dinner will be good, if you werent going you wouldnt eat because its 6 now and you know you would just go to bed hungry so this is good you need the food, its going to be okay...

come on tara...shes here...GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!

Breath...she s yelling my name...

Go, do this for her...go on...go...



okay I m getting up RIGHT NOW!!

pray for me im in like high panic mode, and I dont want her to know..

shit here she comes

gotta go

do not want this seen

love you all