Monday, July 12, 2010

The Earth...

Its just after 9 pm, I just spent a few moments laying outside in the grass, feeling the ground and the earth and just being still, trying to feel something other then pain...and momentarily I felt a sense of calm, as I ripped pieces of grass from the earth and placed them on my stomach I imagined myself becoming one with the earth, finding peace there. Trying not to breath in the pain of my existence but to breath in the life the earth gives us... I imagined myself as a stem of grass, growing up from the soil of the earth, pushing threw the soil, and breathing in the fresh air of life...and for a moment I felt it, I felt some life, peace...some relief...I wanted to become the earth, I wanted to just be the earth...to have only concerns of growing, producing oxygen, and showing others my beauty...and then as the grass piled onto my body my thoughts strayed away from beauty and turned to thoughts of the earth consuming me, swallowing me into it, bringing me into its core and leaving me there to rot, to deterioate and waste away into nothing...from dust we were born and to dust we will return.

I layed there and swelled with tears wondering in horror as to what my husbands body has become, is he just bones now...what is left of him...and why has this happened..

Is he dust yet?

Has he found peace??

Will I ever be able to accept this reality?

I can not wait another 50 odd years to know if he is okay, if he is happy, if he is heaven, Is his pain over??

I am unable to feel peace, no matter how my moment starts ... it ends in terror...I can not continue this way, my life has become a nightmare...

My anorexia was my illness, yes its an illness but at least I had some say in how I would/not recover...this...

This I have/had no control...no say...no way to fix it...

and so I wait..

from dust we were made and to dust we shall return...

Dear lord...I dont even know what to pray...

should I pray for dust??

I dont know really...

because really even this earth cant help me now

3 comments:

Emmy said...

this is beautiful. I went through a very similar experience today, feeling nature and remembering. You are beautiful.

佩璇佩璇 said...

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Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I have often felt similar experiences and often want to become one with the earth, the sky and the silvers and reds and deep blues lining the clouds ... I believe your husband is at peace; I truly believe that. I believe someday all of us will be at peace, and I sometimes long for it so badly I can barely stand it ... but I know I must wait; it's not yet my time.

He is not just dust. He is with the angels now, and he is at peace and perhaps, maybe he can sometimes see you and is sorry for all the hurt he has caused you. You too will find peace someday, first here on earth and then ultimately in heaven. Right now we need you here. :)