Sunday, July 11, 2010

le sigh..

i am sitting outside at our table on the deck watching 4 children swin in the pool, (alyssa has a friend over)...i was in the pool playing with them but my headache got so bad i needed to get having lots of them (headaches) lately, really the only explanation is stress, and there really isnt much end to that in sight so i guess i will just pop advil and deal with it... it crazy that everything I (we) do makes me so sad, i am consumed with the fact that hes dead, the thoughts/images surrounding his death never go away, no matter what i am doing they seep in, I feel like they are sufficating me, like i am emmersed in them like a pool and they are just everywhere....i want to get out of the pool but I cant seem to do it, there is no latter and the ledge is to slippery and I keep falling back in so I just stop trying and then I am engulfed in the horror and pain.

I keep saying I am just really sad, like if I just say sad then I cant be depressed, but i dont know I think I am only fooling myself...if i really look at how i feel, I think i am depressed....if it were up to me I would sleep all day everyday, i would just medicate myself to sleep...because once i fall asleep i cant get out of bed ( I mean I do but its soooo hard) i hit the alarm like 5-6 times, making me rush to get where i need to be because i couldnt get up...I recognize this as a problem because this is what leads me to start missing just becomes to hard to get much work and i cancel, usually from my bed.

and missing appointments leads to full on depression and relaspe...

and that CAN NOT happen, as there is no one but me to take care of the kids, I cant get so depressed that S says Im unsafe and need to go to hospital, cause well Mikes not here to take care of just me.

But what if I keep feeling like this and it just keeps getting harder and harder..I mean I have already had to stop typing 3 times because I either a) lost my train of thought or b)started to cry.

My heart is broken.

My dear friend and I spoke about dying from a broken heart, how it happens with animals and couples who have been together for a really long time, at the time I told her we were to young for that but I dont know anymore, i feel like i lost this huge part of me and without it i am slowly dieing...

and the funny thing is, right now my eating is okay, and i feel sooooo much worse emotional and physically then I did 2-3 months ago...(dont shoot me for saying this) but it makes me think maybe AN was somehow keeping me alive, that all these feelings all at once when you have been used to not feeling any for so long is just to much for my body and mind to handle.

it will be exactly 4 months next sunday....115 days ago today...and that is how i count my life now..its not the day of the week or the date...its by how long ago it was that he committed suicide...

im fucking sobbing right now...honostly this pain, i just dont know how much more i can take.


oh and I will have the pictures posted soon...just cant do it right now


lisalisa said...

I'm so sorry...I dont know what to say...just know I am thinking of you.

I did have a thought about the AN. Maybe when you were more engaged in your ED it was keeping you from feeling the emotions and the loss because you were focused on the food and weight. Now that you are eating and you dont have the distraction of the ED the feelings are all rushing in. That is just my theory.
Take the time you need to deal with the grief and pain. I know it is tempting to hide in ED land, but you will only end up having to face the feelings further down the road.


firefly said...

HUGS HUGS HUGS!!! Hmmm we need to be counting days some other way. ummm days til school starts? Days to your sister's wedding(that one isn't going to be easy I know). Days living behavior free. Days that you are spending with your children. I know its not easy but maybe trying to twist the focus to looking forward to life it may be a bit better. I LOVE YOU!!! P.s I don't remember a pool. Where you at your house? P.s. P.s Zach texted me again!

Eating Alone said...

I'm sorry to say but it's sounding like you've passed that point. You seem, from what you are writing, to be very clinically depressed. You need to - and that's where I stop. I have no idea how you get past that point. Just know that I'm praying for you and your kids.

Caroline said...

oh my goodness... i want so much to write something here that will make your pain go away. i wish i knew what to say. so many hugs to you.

i agree with what lisalisa said about the AN distracting you from your pain, thus being a kind of lifeline for you. i totally get that.

every tear you cry now will help it get better over time. i know how that sounds... but it's totally true.