Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A good sesh

as to qoute PTC..."I had a good sesh with S tonight" M and I went together and whew let me tell you it was good , intense but good. He showed allot of concern over the exercise and S kept saying we need Zena to take ownership of her illness, if she cant follow the guidelines then her privalges will be yanked...which means i some how must consume another 500 calories plus the dinner I JUST had..ugh...FUCK me!! SO that also means iam takinga rest day tomorrow...yep that means no running folks..blaahhhh again...

I saw the good DOC A today and she rambeled on about my body eating itself and i listened intently and nodded at the right places and then she said well your down from last time so i want to see you in 6 weeks with a 3 week check in with DR.S..oh joy.

So anyway we talked allot about exercise tonight...fun stuff...M compared it to like say shes not eating right, so we let her run...thats like saying hey M you cant drink but you can smoke pot even though they both make you nuts...S laughed and said yes M but she need s to own this we cant tell her what to so...so you know what folks I will prove them all wrong..i will follow my MP and I will run 5 days a week and I will not purge and I will win this war!!! hell yeah sista speak it!!!

Its still so hot here i cant stand it, its suppossed to cool down but hell this summer weather well rocks and sucks at the same time..you know I love the heat but shorts suck...

so anyway today was a good day except i got lost dropping the kids off to the moms work..drove around for like an hour...got lost trying to make my way from moms said work to Doc As and lost on my way back in total spent 3.5 hours in the car and missed lunch hence the massive snack i have to have tonight...ugh..well folks thats about it..I will prove them all wrong...i will persevere and i will win this war!!!!

Have faith in me folks i can do this. hope everyones day rocked out like mine did..off to h ave my super snack!!

Love, Z

Monday, April 27, 2009

the Sun is shinning

and it going to be another beautiful day here in the great state of NY. I followed my MP yesterday...GO me... GO me...said singing.

We watched the Z man play T ball and he did so well he got the game ball....thats a big deal here in these parts.

Alyssa slammed a ball on Saturday nearly out of the park at her game..it rocked ..yes can I say my kids ROCK!!!!!! I got so sunburned on Saturday at her opening day that I can even put hot water from a shower on my back you know how much it sucks to take a luke warm shower, yes it blows balls.

Little man is being so cute ( Isaiah) all he keeps saying is WHY?? why ??? why??? everything you tell him to do is why...its so freaking cute.

anyway the sun is shinning once again and its going to be near 90 again...I feel good today..I already ran, felt good even though I losta contact half way through...blahhhh....I only went for a half a n hour my allowed time....so i feel good about it, I had a nice cup o coffee and that was good and now I got get the kids to school...see I can write a post not all about ED...i just did it!!!!

I see K tonight, well I talked to her yesterday for about 10 min and we talked about the running and upping the MP...but I dont want to takl about that now ...well discuss teh crap later...

Hope you all have a sunshinny day...i know I will...((( see how much better of a mood I am in when I run))) I feel like singing...lol.:)

Love, Z

Friday, April 24, 2009

Fucking up

tThat about sums up what i am doing with my life...I can barely eat..i am exercising...and just generally fucking up...S has full faith in me that i can pull out of this mess but I am not so sure, I see the ED doc on tues perhaps she can scare me straight...

After this week of utter choas I am a set of raw nerves...I just dont know how to handle my anxiety...fuck...I know what I need to do I just need to do it...i need to rebutt all theses negative thoughts...so you guys get to hear it..lol...

I am a fat pig......I am a normal wieght for my hieght

I am a loser.......I still do allot for my kids and I love them

I deserve to suffer.....even criminals dont deserve to be starved, its cruel and unusual punishment

I am a shit ass mom....my kids love me and that counts for something

I am a nut job.....I have a mental illness that i am seeking tx for

I am a shit daughter.....NO, my dad abused me hence I dont have to talk to him if I dont want to!!!

I deserve to die...NO, I deserve a life free from ED confines

there is no life beyond ED....yes there is people RECOVER..jennie shafer is a perfect example

I have no talents except childbirth.....that in itself is a great accomplishment...but I am an artist and an athelete when ED doesnt get in the way!!!

whew that was a pain right in the ass but what do you guys think did I do it right??

Love, Z

Thursday, April 23, 2009

an update of sorts

ohhhh what a week...M and I got into a huge fight sunday night which carried into well what seems like forever. i spent the night at my moms last night and have finally convinced M to go to AA meetings, he starts tonight...yeah!!!! He is also going back to see his T and is in the process of making plans to go to rehab...yeah again!!!

I saw S on tuesday and was so scared and sad, all i could so was sob, and she kept telling me how unsafe I was both because of M and because of the restricting...she is very worried and has been calling me every day...we talked last night around 8 and she was very glad to hear that I was at my moms house...Now I want to put things in prespective...M is a good guy...he just has allot of problems...and they need to be dealt with...Its to teh point that its making me sick I have been sick to my stomach for days and have barely eaten...hence why my whole tx team is up in arms...

I saw K last night and she kept pointing out how I was in a deep forest and I couldnt see how lost I was til I got out and looked back...its scary ...letting go of the AN, which over the last 2 weeks has taken a mighty grip on me...The bulmia seems to be behind me now and now I am fighting teh other demon..will I ever be free..i dont know I guess i will just have to keep fighting...things are so hard.

My phone broke due to getting wet...just one more thing to send me over the edge, so i ahve had ms phone all week and its hard cause none of my numbers are in this phone and although its really not a big deal its driving me nutso...

I have become obessed with the scale again, and the number dropping...when it does its great but when it stays the same it sends me over the edge like big time...I wieghed myself like 4 times this morning, which really sucked cause I see it becoming obsessive and its liek I dont know how to get a hold on it...food has become unmanagable.

I am over exercising again too...balls

onthe good news front A and Z are loving tee ball practice and thier games, A and Z are both really good like tehy dont even need the T good...its awesome to watch and it makes me have such a good time...teh little man got his hair cut this morning and now he really looks like a little man...for a while he was starting to look like a girl...not cool...

My mom has been uber supportive and Ms parents came to the house last night and he tols them everything which is good so there are no more secrets...I hate secrets...i am coming home tonight ..which is good but a little scary I mean what if he flips out again?? I guess i will just leave...he know s this is his last chance, i am done with these games..i am putting up boundries and I will no longer play the victim role...i swear folks this is it if he doesnt ( we dont...meanning my ED) get our acts together they we are done...we cant have our kids in this chaos...so thats whats been going on in teh land of Z...crazy stuff...but I have some hope today its going to get better...

oh yeah Z man and A both have thier first real games this weekend and A is in a parade...yeah so some things are going good and well others just suck.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Very sad

Like...i am so sad it hurts i know I need to write a real post but i cant...depression hits hard...I could use some hugs just to know you are there.If i could i would sleep forever...but alas i have a life...unfortunately

love, Z

Saturday, April 18, 2009

what it does for me??

funny JD that you shouls ask those questions cause my T and I were just discussing what AN does for me... and what bulmia does not do...

Here gos my list AN makes me :

feel strong

in control

like I am worth something

like I can do what others cant

it makes me feel pretty

In my T assignment..I am to rebutt these statements with the "truth"

so it here it goes

It makes me weak

it It takes away all my power

It makes me different cause I have a mental illness

It makes me gaunt and sickly looking

I know, well at least I think I I know that when you all keep challanging with saying "what about your family" you are doing it because you care but in reality it only hurts my Recovery and I will tell you why...

My T says I cant do this for anyone else it has to be for me or it wont stick...I have tried doing it for my family, for tx centers...for everyone but me there is a missing piece thhat I have yet to figure out...anyway but I digress...my whole life I have been taking care of other pepole, my mom, my sisters, my dad, my H and then my kids...I love my kids but i do not love myself and until I figure out how to do that then i figure Recovery will be futile... None of you guys have kids...you dont know what its like to have someone depend on you for EVERYTHING, the stress of it the thought s that all I am is a baby maker..another caretaker...I love my kids they make my life worth living but there is also this deep hole that can not be filled by being the nuturer...

I am trying guys i have good days and bad days yesterday was good I completed my Mp and had a good T session...yes I exercised...but I havent purged in nearly a week and I havent taken laxitives in over 3...so i am making some progress...i have decieded that the drinking is bad and will only deture me from making true Recovery...I am trying I just want youy guys to see that and support me..yes i slip up...sometimes i catastraphize which is maybe what I did yesterday..If i did thenIam sorry once again

love, Z

Friday, April 17, 2009


I see S in a few hours....but first I would like to say a huge thankyou for you all who supported me through my last post...it was a very sad and embarressing time for me butI am glad I came clean...so thankyou!!<3

i am obsessed with losing wieght I stepped on the scale wenesday (three times) and the number was 7 pounds less then what I wieghed last week, very triggering, I layed in bed til 2 in the moring obessing on how much wieght i could lose and how fast I could do it...i cant seem to stop the thoughts in my head they are getting stronger and stronger...like i cant wait to be AN again...sick i know but it still feels like my goal..i know i am going to get lots of challanges on that one but its okay I need them.

Im drinking again. Bad news for a coule of reasons: I am on alot of pretty heavy duty meds and drinking either negates the purposes of taking them or makes me pretty screwed up or both. I am getting depressed again and the only thought that keeps me going is knowing that at least I am getting thinner...

I am going to my moms for what might be my last run...or at least according to S my last run, but I dont know if i can give it up so easily, its additive you know and it swhat I think is helping me lose all this wieght.

I know folks I am screwing up left and right but I also am in comlpete denial, its that old additive that AN is okay but bulimia is not ...on that front I havent purged since sunday which is a really good thing and that will make S happy.

oh and one last thing as I know this is a pretty boreing post but i got a new coffee mug and its 14oz's and it yummy its 2 its 2 cups of joe in one...yeah for the small things.

Oh and one more thing Z man had tee ball practice last night and A did on tuesday and let me just say my kids are natural stars...they can already whale the ball...its great!!only thing Z man ran to 2nd instead of 1st after he nailed t and then had to go back to first but he still made it with out getting out. My kids a rock star!! and A, well shes got one hell of an arm on her...she can throw father then me ( not that that says allot:) but she too is incrediable..my kids rock the boat dudes!!!

much love to you all, Z

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Liar Liar pants on fire!@!!

I am a piece of shit liar who does nothing but lie to further her ed and i cant for the life of me figure out why, I mean i WAS doing so good...I just cant be trusted to do this on my own...WHy lord why do I do this??

So I emailed S last night a rather vague email on how i might not be doing as well As I would have her believe...she sent me back an email an asked what it was that i was trying to tell her cause she had I feeling I couldnt really be doing as well as i played it off. Not that I couldnt be casue she didnt have faith in me but because it is so early in recovery and brain couldnt have switched so fast...so i told...short sweet and to the point " I have been running and purging" end email.

Gosh I feel like the biggest piece of dog shit!! I mean lieing to your tx team might be a regular occurance for some people but like I never do it, I always let them know how badly i am sucking...but this time was different EVERYONE was so proud of me and it was nice. Nice that people actually had some faith in me...like yeah maybe i could really do this, and I think I was in complete denial.

In fact I still am cause physically I feel fine I am think clearly or so "I" think. I am well feeling good about being able to still run nearly a year after my last excursion...i caneven do 3 miles already without walking which those of you who run know that when you take time off ( like a year) its slow going getting back into the swing of things.

anyway i am sorry for lying to you guys too, you trusted me to tell you hwta is going on so that you can help me and give me advice and you werent getting the whole story...Im sorry guys please forgive me.

Love, Z

Monday, April 13, 2009


I want to start by saying I have my period and it really sucks, A year ago i never got it and that made me happy..why i dont know maybe cause I hate being a women...hmmmm something to think about for a future post.


I have to confess i am totally abusing my walking privildge.ugh. I have walked allot...(speed walking to the point I could be running slower tehn i am walking, I come back all sweaty and you know what it feels SOOOOOOOO good...i will admitt I knwo S would be very dissapointed to know that I am not sticking to teh 2xs a week deal...and I know I must confess to her but gees i am so scared...scared she take it away completely and man i just dont know if i can deal with that right now...

Saturday, April 11, 2009



or ummmm...happy eater...which ever stikes your fancy...


I love jesus

love, Z

Friday, April 10, 2009

Well I tryed....

I saw S today and went in hopeful and walked out ummmm PISSED OFF!!!! why pre tell you ask, well I will tell you why and I am sure you are all going to say this is your ED talking but I beg to differ I mean I have a real brain and sometimes I even ":)

I asked a purely legitmate queation and prayed I would get a fair answer I mean really I want it so bad...what do I want???I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats...well I want to RUN!!!!! now i will tell you why...and its not cause I am fat ( although that is part of it ) but really i want to feel free...i want to feel my lungs burn again...I want my muscels to be sore i want to feel like my body has a purpose a real purpose.

I will give you a little background exercise was officially taken away from a year ago april 30th..i was very sick and almost died, my heart rate was in the low thirtys and my EKGS were off the charts bad. I was on a feeding tube and like I said almost died..tehn I went to remuda and they saved my life...i came home still on exercise restriction. We tryed it for a week last November and I was immediatly banned due to abuse...whatever. I have changed...my mind has changed...I thinks. I want Recovery!!! I do I swears it!!

So anyway i left pissed off cause my suggestion of a month symptom free and S says to me//" Oh so you want to play symptom swap" WTF man...No I dont want to symptom swap I want to run.. I want to be free...I want to feel freedom...the wind in my hair. Ugh I just wantto run and I have lots of reasons none of which seem to matter cause every one thinks I will abuse the privledge. I am so sick of never controlling anything.

Damit I want to run and noone will let me...so folks I tryed..and I failed

Mission aborted

Life sucks and apparently so do I....

Love, Z

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Anorexia vs Bulimia

I am wanting so bad to go back to AN...its more acccepted then bulimia..why??

I know I know i am in Recovery but the thoughts are still there...

I talked to K last night and she was like have you ever heard of BDD (body dismorphic disorder)...yeah but thats not me i really am fat...NO she said you are distorted!!

I have fallen back into a restrictive pattern...maybe its cause my lack of prozac...reminder to self GET FILLED!!!

I have such an urge to restrict its sickening...I not by the way but the urge is so strong...i dont know how much longer I can hold out.Sigh..:(

I am back to counting everything and staying just under my MP...which we all know where that leads and I am so sick of throwing up..Im done with it...so done.

which brings me back to my orginal question why is AN considered by society and most Ed'ed people acceptable and bulmia is considered gross..I mean its all disordered, I guess I just feel AN is about having control and Bulmia is about a lack of control...ugh

Someone challange these thoughts cause they are driving me batty

Love, Z

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Everybodys doing it...

I havent been tagged but it seems like since everybodys doing it so... I am 29 and here are 29 things I want to do this year...

1) take an art class this summer

2) attend church EVERY week

3) figure out the Dad crap

4) Go out with the hubby at least once a month

5) Reduce time spent in TX

6) Keep my house clean all the time

7) Have a better realationship with my in laws

8) remember to call my grandmother every week

9) take the kids camping more then 2xs

10) save some money

11) get out of debt

12) NOT have to sell my house

13) teach my youngest how to freaking talk

14) teach my oldest how to read WELL

15) spend less time time on the computer and more time in a book

16) Recover

17) Seriously consider what I want to do with the rest of my life besides being a mommy ( which I love by the way )

18) try to keep up the fashion trends

19) not read trash magizines

20) Finish "the shack"

21) call my mom every day

22) call my sister 3 days before I need her to babysit instead of the night before...that would me call her today:)

23) figure out everyones obsession with Britney Spears

24) Not yell at my kids so much

25) Figure out what kind of diciplyn works best for each kid

26) learn to love myself a little

27) find three good books and actually read them

28) not stress over turning thirty

29) actually make it to my sisters B-day party this year

whew that was a bitch and a tad overwhelming but oh well those are my goals...sigh...

Love, Z

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A prayer...

"eat, that you may have strength when you go on your way" 1 sam 28:22

"Mighty father, thankyou for the gift of food. I pray for help in learning how to overcome this Eating Disorder. I know that is not your will for me to suffer this way. I love you and know you love me. Help me to follow your adomition to eat properly so that I will have strngth to follow you and serve you at all times.

Teach me to eat my bread with joy, because I know you are always faithful in supplying my daily bread and meeting all my needs. thankyou for your promise to supply all my needsd according to your riches in glory, through Christ Jesus. i claim this Promise as I ask youo to meet my need for healing for my Bulimia and or anorexia.

Help me to rememeber its not what I consume that defiles me. Instead it is what I speak that does so. Give me clear insights, and let your discreation preserve me. Father, I ask for your healing, your direction, your understanding and your keeping power. Let the power and deception of all eating Disorders be removed from my life. let their strongholds be pulled down now.

In christ I have been set free. Help me to stand fast in teh liberty you have provided for me from this eating disorder, So that I will never again be entangled with teh yoke of bondage to any kind of eating disorder. Thankyou for helping and healing me, dear GOD.

You are my refuge, father and underneath me are your everlasting arms. Thrust out the ememy and from before me at all times. Keep me from evil. thankyou for your healing power that is at work in me now. In the glorious name of Jesus I pray."

S gave this to me and I think we should all say it for ourselfs...we deserve it!!!

love, Z


My butt is to big for my body..thats it

the End

Im kinda ummm manic...blahhh

umm I want to run

See S in ahhh 45 min...freak out

If she says I cant walk anymore then I am fireing her...not really but...

ohhhh crap


Monday, April 6, 2009

S-O-S....sinking ship


I am drowning!!!

I engaged( doesn't that look like en (gag) ed) ...get it gag ED, in behaviors 2xs in the last well 2 days..no biggie you say, well maybe you don't say it but fuck I do..what is wrong with me I had all those day s purge free and then creep ...creep creep, The Bulimia demon comes crawling back it in, Like it never left. Crap. I want to cry, scream and yelp cause i am freaking out.

K called, around 3 we talked for about 12 min...that's a long N check in you know, anyway, shes worried ( AGAIN). She was like don't beat yourself up but you can NOT let this become a pattern again and NO pills..I swore I wouldn't be taking any pills and I wont be i mean the purging is bad enough... ugh...


Help me girls I am... needing an act of GOD...seriously...pray for me if you pray and if you dont well could you start cause things are not cheery in the land of Z.

Love, Z

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Despertly seeking Susan....

which is very ironic considering my Ts name is susan. But really its despertly seeking Ed..I want my ED back..i want it I want it I WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to exercise!!!

I want to starve!!!

I want to purge!!!!

I want to be thin!!!

but I cant ...i must push on...

fucking ED...dont suck me back in....

Love, Z

Saturday, April 4, 2009

"I wish she loved me more...

then she hated herself..."

said by the daughter of a women who died from her ED.

I have tryed all dday to think of my kids..thats why i ate my breakfast...lunch and soon to be dinner...I just thought these were very powerful words...

I want so badly to change

I need so badly to change

I need to want to change more then I want to stay stuck...god help me...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, the ability to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference"

Love, Z

the path to Recovery BLOWS

thats where I am at folks finding this road bumpy and hard and trying not to self sabotage...however the fuck you spell that. I over ate last night..blahhhh...want to restrict today..know thats not the answer but its what feels "right" you know.

I had one of A's friend spend the night yesterday...which leads to stress..of course cause the 4 of them being so close in age FIGHT like demon children...I tell you like little monsters of course they were up bright and early 6:45 am blahhh and so that's was good for my MP but alas here we are 2 hours later and I have not had breakfast yet..WTF..I need to get my ass on track!!!

I was reading Karasblog and she was talking about sitting with feelings and I was thinking that is exactly what I need to do..sit with it..whatever it is.

i need a bunch of support guys cause yesterday sucked ass and I really need to get back on track today....SUPPORT ME PLEASE!!!

yesterday S and I were talking about grief and loss, How I am grieving the loss of my ED and how sad it makes me, like there is this huge hole in my life and I dont know how to fix it...blahhhh I am so sad guys I miss the comfort my ED brought me..i dont know how to deal...i am so sad...sad I tell you...I amsitting here in my pajamas feeling like a big lump of shit and I dont know how to get out of this rut.Fuck I will not go back I will not!!!

ookay guys SUPPORT ME!! tell me how great I am, and that I can do this cause right now my faith is really wavering.

Love, Z

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


what are you so afraid of..what do NORMAL people do when they are not involved in an ED?? got me . but you know what I have all this free time now that I am consumed with my Ed..I mean it still play s a large role in my thinking but now that I am not restricting or purging i have allot of free time...so what do I do?? I might take a art class over the summer if I can afford it...well see.

what do you guys to??

I am so Bored

love, Z