Friday, April 24, 2009

Fucking up

tThat about sums up what i am doing with my life...I can barely eat..i am exercising...and just generally fucking up...S has full faith in me that i can pull out of this mess but I am not so sure, I see the ED doc on tues perhaps she can scare me straight...

After this week of utter choas I am a set of raw nerves...I just dont know how to handle my anxiety...fuck...I know what I need to do I just need to do it...i need to rebutt all theses negative thoughts...so you guys get to hear it..lol...

I am a fat pig......I am a normal wieght for my hieght


I am a loser.......I still do allot for my kids and I love them


I deserve to suffer.....even criminals dont deserve to be starved, its cruel and unusual punishment


I am a shit ass mom....my kids love me and that counts for something


I am a nut job.....I have a mental illness that i am seeking tx for


I am a shit daughter.....NO, my dad abused me hence I dont have to talk to him if I dont want to!!!


I deserve to die...NO, I deserve a life free from ED confines



there is no life beyond ED....yes there is people RECOVER..jennie shafer is a perfect example


I have no talents except childbirth.....that in itself is a great accomplishment...but I am an artist and an athelete when ED doesnt get in the way!!!


whew that was a pain right in the ass but what do you guys think did I do it right??


Love, Z

19 comments:

PTC said...

I think regardless of all of that, you need to get your ass into a fucking treatment center or you're going to die.

The honest truth, harsh as it may be, thrown right at ya.

lisalisa said...

Z- i think you did a great job but please, please believe your own words! You ARE a great mother! You ARE NOT a fat pig! And NOBODY deserves to starve! I know it is hard; I have every single one of those thoughts, too, on a daily basis. Why is it so easy for us to see worth in others, but not in ourselves?

Zena said...

you are so blunt....I love it...but S thinks i can do this OP...lately i am not so sure though...oh fuck me

Z

Zena said...

lisa,

why do we think such shitty thoughts about ourselves..we wouldnt think them about anyone else why does ED do this to us...

and PTC...Im to fat for tx...I swears...I am at my goal wieght...fuckers

Z

belinda said...

ok ok...
first things first..
goal weight IS NOT FAT!!
rich coming from me, i know but it isn't... it just feels that way because ED says so.

you are facing major things and you need to keep strong. keeping strong is to continue the good fight not relapse into your weakness (the AN). i know that number game all to well but is it REALLY making you happy? making your current situation better? easier? i bet it isn't.. it's just a distraction from the big stuff right? but you cant avoid the big stuff. it's there.

i have been catching up on your blog and i was happy to see you standing up for you and your kids by removing yourself from bad situations. this may be something to need to do for you and for them. it may be permanent or it may be for a period while you both stabilize.

keep rebutting those ED thoughts, do it here if it helps because they are just thoughts. we don't need to act on them. i still have them daily but i just continue on. some days it fucking hurts but it's what we need to do to live.. so we just do it.

i've missed you zena
xo

Telstaar said...

Well done on rebutting your thoughts hun! Keep doing that any time you need to :). It's great work.

Treatment isn't always about weight restoration and thus there are other people doing IP that are also "normal" weight. So hunni, if you feel you need to do it, even to get yourself on track, even if it's a few weeks (although I would suspect you'd need much longer), then do it hun! Don't let fear or ed stop you getting what you need to get better.

Keep fighting! You're one tough cookie and you can do this, but you DO need help and support because you're human and at breaking point.

Love and huggles xoxox

sarah said...

i just went through feeling the exact same way ... falling back into old ED behaviors and getting lost in the crazy thought process of all of it. it sucks (and that is an understatement).

i got to process a lot of it with my T today, and that was helpful. She helped me to see the reasons that I am doing it ... what led me to fall into it and why I was choosing to stay stuck and not find a way out ... it was somehow serving me - and it was hard to even admit that i was getting something out of it. but i was.
for me, there was safety and comfort in my old ED behaviors, and in a stressful and fearful time that is what i was seeking. too bad that the safety and comfort is very short-lived.

i am slowly pulling myself back out of the grips of ED, and it is hard ... but it is do-able. if i can do it, you can too.
keep rebutting those thoughts, and keep talking about it ... ED only wants us to run and isolate and keep all of it a secret.

chin up.
you can do this ... one step at a time.

firefly said...

People do recover from eds but it takes alot of work and sometimes we must do things we don't want to. Taking your kids was a good thing for your recovery. If you need treatment get it. Only you know what you need. Speak what you need! I know the stress and anxiety is hard and it kicks stuff up. You are a wonderful mother, friend. Fyi I have a feeling that Jenni still struggles. My old t said something to me once about that one. You are deserving because you are you! I love you and want you to get what you need.

Zena said...

Thankyou all so much i dont know how you all got so wise...I will take all advice to heart...

much Love, Z

PTC said...

I need to be blunt with you. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. You need to go IP.

Zena said...

PTC,
I know I need IP but I cant right now...its more pressing that M seeks help, for reasons i cant go into, he is desperate...and I can hold on, I ate a pretty substancial dinner last night with Ms help and I think I can do this OP, i emailed my T a list of things I will do today...starting with only one workout ...yes I have been running but only for a half hour at a time...its like a little over 3 miles...no biggie...today will be a good day, we have opening day at Alyssa softball league and doing house and yard work...no time for ED thoughts I hope...oh and I havent purged in well over a week...we'll see what the ED doc ( doc A) has to say on tuesday, I know you want me IP, but I will not go this fat, I just wont...besides my TX team things I can do this OP, IP has never worked for me in the past...i always fall 2 weeks after I get out I need to learn to do this on my own...have some faith in me ...please...

Love, Z

PTC said...

If you think you're going to fail, you will.

I'm not even going to comment on your "fat" comment because everyone knows that that's ridiculous. Even if you are not "underweight" your body is severely damaged. Many people die after their weight has been restored, so there!

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

How honest are you being with you OP tx team, Z?

S.

Zena said...

I am 100% completely honest with my tx team, they know how little I eat and how much I am exercising...baby steps is wgat they say right now...i have to keep digging out of the hole i just have a small shovel...le sigh

Love, Z

Michele said...

Zena, I am a firstcomer to your site by way of Jena. You are a beautiful woman with more than your share of challenges. I am bipolar I, rapid cycling, ADHD, and the mother of 5 grown children and an alcoholic husband (since divorced). I have battled the alcohol addiction and other addictions as well. I think you should try making a list of all the good things....like you did in your rebut...but don't repeat those negative messages or even write them down. They are one of the prizes we get with our disorders. Also, as a seasoned mom of his, mine and ours, taking care of children and being a good mom is a major accomplishment...there are a lot of not so good moms out there. It is also a major source of stress which will affect all your disorders. You seem to mood swing from day to day...that's tough. I sense your struggle and applaud you for trying so hard. Hang tough. Life gets easier with age. Come visit me at Micello's Musings. I'd like to be here to support you as I had plenty of it when I needed it. Michele

Zena said...

belinda my sweets...I love you so much and I know i cant give in to the AN voices but its so hard...M is home now and has quit drinking. He is attending AA meetings and seeing a T. I think it was the right thing to do to stay at my moms for a night, it showed him i wasnt kidding...As for the AN piece, well its got its grip at me and like you i am at the wieght where An first took over...its hard when iam losing and know "its working" for me...sigh...I will keep plugging away. i had 3 meals sort of yesterday...well at least I ate 3 times and only one run so that was good...I have missed you dearly and look out for an email soon.

Telly,
I know wieght restoration isnt only part of tx ...the easy part if you ask me and that the real work starts after you have been wieght restored I just think well i feel to fat for tx you know Ed says I am just not sick enough yet.

Firefly,

thankyou for your unrelelnting support..and thanks for lending me your ear last night I really needed to talk...love you lots!!!

Sarah,
thanks for stopping by my blog I love new readers. I will keep rebutting those thoughts and tell Ed to go fuck himself its just so hard when the voice is so strong...what did you and your t deciede was your trigger to you relasping if you dont mind me asking...was a specific event or just a culmination of things...you can be very vague in your answer, i am not prying I just like to see where everyone is at and how people keep relasping this is my 5the time in 3 yrs...blahhhh

Michelle,

wow you hit the nail on the head about saying the statements without saying the negative ones first thats a great idea and I might try it ina future post...I think the BPD is playing a role cause I am so fearful of losing my tx team i think I sometimes stay sick so that they wont leave me..which I know is ridiculous cause they call my ED severe and that it will take yrs to get over...Ill visit you soon when I can get my bearings...thanks so much for the comment.

anyway guys yesterday was afairly okay day...and I am hopeing today will be as well...heres to hopeing!!!

Love, Z

firefly said...

Hey Precious: Hope you are having a good day. Only you know what is going to work for you! You can do this! I love you!Enjoy A's game today! Want to do snack together tonight? I'll see dr.n tomorrow night and try to set her straight. It would be much easier If I felt I had a team here. My mom got after me because the house wasn't cleaned to her standards. ugh I've let things go because I would need everybody out of the house to clean my way. lol

Dee said...

Zena: Ok...this is the first I'm at your site too...I'm going to "follow" your site.

You remind me to much of me. Scary, ha?! I know.

Number 1- I would like to refer you to a Treatment program that is in Hollywood Florida. If and when you should go this is what they will tell you and help "re-program" your abusive thinking.

Everything you have said is considered "Abuser Values" another words, you are repeating things that people (perhaps parents, spouse, other abusers) have said to you over n'over so you now believe it. Sort of like "brainwashing thinking" trust me...I've been there...done that...and still often have issues with it. Only because I was stupid enough (ok there it is there...abuser values) to still be loyal to my abuser.

Would you at least consider going? These folks saved my life! From alot of my own shit! They are wonderful and they know what they are doing.

You can go to their site and contact them. www.wiit.com

alot of others here who responded has given you some good suggestions and mostly support. I know at this moment you may not always accept or agree with what people tell you, but if they didn't care they would had not responded.

Try to say positive affirmations. Change your way of thinking. I have to do this alot too. I know it is easier said then done. Trust me...dr.bill had me do it 100x's a day because my abuser values were so strong and overwhelming.

If u like, you are more then welcome to email me.

I hope by now...you are at least feeling better from all the support you are getting here. Hard to beleive, but things do get better even if it never seems too. But it does!

Safe hugz, Dee
A Mom's Journey

firefly said...

Zena: I'm thinking about you! How was the game today?Did you get the e-mail I sent you. So sad but so on if you know what I mean. All my undying support. You can beat this thing. Nobody deserves ed in their lives!