Thursday, April 23, 2009

an update of sorts

ohhhh what a week...M and I got into a huge fight sunday night which carried into well what seems like forever. i spent the night at my moms last night and have finally convinced M to go to AA meetings, he starts tonight...yeah!!!! He is also going back to see his T and is in the process of making plans to go to rehab...yeah again!!!

I saw S on tuesday and was so scared and sad, all i could so was sob, and she kept telling me how unsafe I was both because of M and because of the restricting...she is very worried and has been calling me every day...we talked last night around 8 and she was very glad to hear that I was at my moms house...Now I want to put things in prespective...M is a good guy...he just has allot of problems...and they need to be dealt with...Its to teh point that its making me sick I have been sick to my stomach for days and have barely eaten...hence why my whole tx team is up in arms...

I saw K last night and she kept pointing out how I was in a deep forest and I couldnt see how lost I was til I got out and looked back...its scary ...letting go of the AN, which over the last 2 weeks has taken a mighty grip on me...The bulmia seems to be behind me now and now I am fighting teh other demon..will I ever be free..i dont know I guess i will just have to keep fighting...things are so hard.

My phone broke due to getting wet...just one more thing to send me over the edge, so i ahve had ms phone all week and its hard cause none of my numbers are in this phone and although its really not a big deal its driving me nutso...

I have become obessed with the scale again, and the number dropping...when it does its great but when it stays the same it sends me over the edge like big time...I wieghed myself like 4 times this morning, which really sucked cause I see it becoming obsessive and its liek I dont know how to get a hold on it...food has become unmanagable.

I am over exercising again too...balls

onthe good news front A and Z are loving tee ball practice and thier games, A and Z are both really good like tehy dont even need the T good...its awesome to watch and it makes me have such a good time...teh little man got his hair cut this morning and now he really looks like a little man...for a while he was starting to look like a girl...not cool...

My mom has been uber supportive and Ms parents came to the house last night and he tols them everything which is good so there are no more secrets...I hate secrets...i am coming home tonight ..which is good but a little scary I mean what if he flips out again?? I guess i will just leave...he know s this is his last chance, i am done with these games..i am putting up boundries and I will no longer play the victim role...i swear folks this is it if he doesnt ( we dont...meanning my ED) get our acts together they we are done...we cant have our kids in this chaos...so thats whats been going on in teh land of Z...crazy stuff...but I have some hope today its going to get better...

oh yeah Z man and A both have thier first real games this weekend and A is in a parade...yeah so some things are going good and well others just suck.

LOVE, Z

6 comments:

PTC said...

One question, why is it okay for M to go to rehab but not you?? Think about it. Sounds like you need it more.

lisalisa said...

keep fighting, Z! Please, please take care of yourself. If food doeesn't seem possible, maybe try some boost? The Boost smoothies are pretty good! I'm worried about you! ((hugs))

firefly said...

I have to say I'm jelous of the weight loss. I'm not jelous of the chaos you are living in right now. What about a time out for both parents? It sounds like family systems work going on here. You can go to mp too. I'll be there hmmm June. My therapist is on my blog now. I have to figure out if she accepted my invite. I love you girl. My dr e-mail me saying she agrees with the team. I'm holding out because 118 is too fat. ugh! Why go when they would force you to eat?>

Telstaar said...

Hunni, what a week you've had! Full on! I've glad you've put some boundaries in place. Keep working on sticking to them cause I know that will be the hardest for everyone involved.

I'm glad you've got some people looking out for you hunni. You're a pretty cool person and I want you to be safe and healthy and be able to raise your kids in a safe and healthy environment too!! You all deserve it :).

Keep on placing one foot in front of the other in life (not in exercise :p) love you hunni! xoxo

Just Eat It! said...

It makes me sad to read how chaotic it has been for you. I am glad that M is getting some help. Please don't wait until you hit rock bottom before trying to get more help for yourself.

I'd also suggest throwing the scale away. Although it seems like a cliche response in the eating disorder world, the scale simply sets things up for failure.

I know you can keep fighting. Internet hug! <3

Jena said...

Hi Zena! You have an award awaiting you on my blog!