Monday, April 6, 2009

S-O-S....sinking ship

Help!!!

I am drowning!!!

I engaged( doesn't that look like en (gag) ed) ...get it gag ED, in behaviors 2xs in the last well 2 days..no biggie you say, well maybe you don't say it but fuck I do..what is wrong with me I had all those day s purge free and then creep ...creep creep, The Bulimia demon comes crawling back it in, Like it never left. Crap. I want to cry, scream and yelp cause i am freaking out.

K called, around 3 we talked for about 12 min...that's a long N check in you know, anyway, shes worried ( AGAIN). She was like don't beat yourself up but you can NOT let this become a pattern again and NO pills..I swore I wouldn't be taking any pills and I wont be i mean the purging is bad enough... ugh...

I HATE ME

Help me girls I am... needing an act of GOD...seriously...pray for me if you pray and if you dont well could you start cause things are not cheery in the land of Z.

Love, Z

5 comments:

lisalisa said...

i just started reading your blog and i really liked the quote that you put on there sat "i wish she loved me more than she hated herself"- very profpund and touching! I can relate to what you are going through- it is TERRIFYING when ED raises its ugly head. Keep fighting, you seem like a very strong person! I will pray for you, too!

Telstaar said...

Hunni, try not to beat yourself up too much but see it as a slip up and keep going. Like don't even start counting days again but go, Day 8 with 2 slip ups...that is a lot easier to manage then going back to day 1!!!

You managed all that time purge free, so you CAN do it and you can keep doing it. But don't make it harder for yourself. If you increase your stress you're more likely to engage in the behaviours, so try and keep yr stress levels down and try and see it for what it is, a few hurdles rather than feeling like its the end of the world.

*hugs* You are still you and you are still strong enough to keep going!!

Love Telly xo

Just Eat It! said...

First, do this one thing: breathe. It's okay. It happens. Recovery is a process and always comes with slip-ups. Tomorrow is a blank slate for you to get back on the saddle again. I know you can keep fighting, I have faith in you.

More internet hugs sent your way!

PTC said...

I wish I knew what to say, Z...

Zena said...

(((hugs))) to all of you ..thankyou so much your encourageing words mean so much to me...OkayI see S today I am getting back in the saddle and I am going to ride this horse again...ugh...time to get inthe shower... wish I could hang out in blog land all day..its safe here.

Love, Z