Sunday, December 18, 2011
Im not sure I can do this anymore. Its all to much. To much pressure. Im not used to being responsible financialy, to be going to school so that I can get a real job, I couldnt get out of bed, not til after 12, sure I got up to get the kids breakfast but it was hell then I layed back down, I called my pdoc at 11:30 last night feeling very manic, she told me to take extra risperdol, and hence I was snowed this morning I was also up til 2:30 in the morning, I have laundry to do, and drug cards, and a final on thursday and clinical tomorrow and tuesday, and I dont know when I will get to wrap presents, and I wish I could go run, I feel weak and I keep having dizzy spells, I havent purged since tuesday, K scared me, and it takes me white knuckeling most days, I bought a yoga video, havent done it yet, but I will try to, Im very depressed, with boughts of brief mania thrown in for fun, I hate that I have such disordered food issues, I hate food and its power over me, I hate that I have dug my own hole again, I hate that I am 500 pounds at least it feels that way, I hate that my kids do nothing but fight and zack blames everything on me, he rages at me all the time and most days I just want to run away, I hate that he killed himself, I hate that I am single parent and really hate that I hate my life, because its no way to live, Im not sure how I will make it through the week, Im actually not sure how I will make it through the day, im just so completely overwhelmed and just well sad, and the hard part is I cant curl into a ball, I actually have things that need to get done, and somehow I have to muster the strength to actually them., sorry so pathetic but I needed to write and be honost with myself causes im dying inside
Friday, December 16, 2011
every night before I go to bed I tell myself I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow I will follow my mp. Tomorrow I wont purge. Tomorrow I wont run to much. Tomorrow I wont Binge and then vomit...its always tomorrow, today was pretty bad Ed wise and I didnt realize how bad it was til I nearly passed out in the bathroom at the restaurant we took my kids so that they could get ice cream after thier christmas musical (which was awesome by the way, Isaiah was in it for the first time and he was just sooooo cute)., I had coffee this morning, school all day, ran 8 miles, target shopped, took some laxitives, showered and went to thier play for 7, around 9 my face felt hot, I had floaters in my eyes and felt unsteady, I literaly felt my face go from hot to drain into a cold, clamy state. Im exhausted. I will be up all night because the laxitives will kick in around 2 in the morning, so TOMORROW I will feel even worse, I hate the tomorrows, the what will be's. Will I be ED good or normal people good, can I recover for good, or will the next 18 years of tomorrows be like the last 18, will I even make it that long...Im filled with such hatered for myself, The only reason I took the laxitives was to cause myself physical pain, I promised K I wouldnt purge until I see her Wed, she laid into me and gave me a really graphic description of what could happen to my kids if they were to find me passed out in a pile of vomit, I never think it will be me, but it could be, it could be me, so I found a new way to hurt myself. Im trying to make a life for the kids, but killing myself in the process, my girl Bella suggested "that I might be afraid if things go right" and she might be right, cause really my life has been a train wreck for the last 15 years, abusive relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, ED, abusive marraige, husbands suicide, its always been something, and now Im taking some control over the direction, but Im also sabatoging it, I dont know whats going to happen, I really dont, but I do know that Tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not, and its up to me what Im going to do about it.