tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67093755261557939062024-02-02T10:43:42.591-05:00the struggle withinZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.comBlogger377125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-17736183021773257542012-09-30T17:21:00.001-04:002012-09-30T17:21:11.251-04:00Its Official! I passed my boards!!! Im a NURSE!!!!!!Zenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-45540554582181168202012-08-20T15:20:00.001-04:002012-08-20T15:20:29.608-04:00not sure where to go from here Its late august and I am sat here not sure where or what to do, I haven't taken my boards yet cause well I haven't even applied for them yet. the application is sitting on my table filled out and ready to go but i havent sent it in, not sure...maybe fear of failure is holding me back. I need to apply it takes 4 weeks to get a test date and I need a job by October. I'm sad. I'm lonely. my kids are tortured by their minds. Alyssa threatened to kill herself 2 weeks back so now shes on meds again. Zacks bipolar is rearing its ugly head so he may be back to more meds soon and me well I'm just lost.I drink to much. I starve all day and binge at night, I look like a pig and dream dreams of my anorexic days. I just want my family to be happy again. Since Mike died the kids are just in pain, different, never happy, lost and broken, he took a part of them that day he died a part <i> </i>I don't know how to get back...he stole my peace of mind, their peace of mind, they believe that I will die soon too. and sadly if they weren't here I would wish it too. I know I'm depressed cause thoughts of leaving this world come all to frequently. Its hard to breath sometimes. I need to cry but I just get angry instead and then hate myself for yelling at the kids although believe they deserve it. They hurt each other and I am at a lose at how to stop them....from spiraling even further down the path of destruction they are already on. We have no peace, not even in sleep, cause they don't unless they are all piled into bed with me and then of course i don't sleep, I'm not really sure where to turn from here, I feel so lost and empty and sad and I cant stand whom I have become, school gave me purpose and now I just float through the day waiting for the darkness to fall so we can go to bed. I know I need to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together but its like I cant find them all so there is always that missing slot. I pray things will get better but I really see no hope of that happening. I just want to feel happy again, and it was stolen two and a half years ago...will we ever be whole again? I pray we will but I fear it may never happen. I know circumstances are what they are and its up to me to make the best of what we have but I feel just so powerless to do it, this cant be all there is in life right? Its just right now it feels that it is...I guess I just need to buck up...I'm just to tired to try.<br />
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Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-86075057782764093472012-07-02T18:29:00.000-04:002012-07-02T18:29:38.338-04:00If you had asked me 15 months ago, while I sat locked in the hospital on suicide watch if I could possiably be even remotely close to where I am in life right now I would have laughed at you, or maybe even have gotten angry at the thought that you or anyone would expect anything from me but dysfunction, disease and addiction.<br />
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Late last June I was slightly manic and on a whim called my mother and told her I was going to go to Nursing school. I took the entrance exam, passed, went for my interview and BAM I was a Nursing student!! It was a grueling 10 month, 32.5 hr a week program, and at times I didnt think I would make it. BUT I did and I did it well, I graduated with honors last Tuesday evening. When they called my name for academic honors I was floored. I mean how could I an Eating Disordered Alcoholic Graduate with honors. I have been in tx for 11 years, with relapse after relapse. I was a frequent flyer at our local physciatric unit. But I did it. I slipped up here and there and nearly completely relapsed in January, but I dug my heals in and looked at what my hopes and dreams were, what I needed to do for my family and I stuck with it.<br />
I (insert sly grin) excelled in the mental health course and when the topic turned to suicide I was asked by instructor to speak to each of the 3 classes on my experiance and I did and yes I cried but I also shed light on such a taboo topic. With the help of the student advisory we (as a class) got involved in an "Out of the darkness" walk at a local university, to raise funds to raise awareness on suicide prevention. we raised nearly 2000 dollars and maybe saved a life.<br />
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I feel like my life has come full circle. while I still have an ED and struggle with addiction I also know now Im a fighter. Im not a lifer. Im not sentenced to die by my own hands..... I will persevere!!!<br />
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I still have to study and pass my boards then I will officially be a LPN, but Im already looking forward to taking some classes part time to work toward my RN in January. "Never stop learning". My only regret is that Mike isnt here to see me succeed. I pray he is watching and that he is proud....because for the first time in my life I can say I am proud of ME!!!!<br />
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Never stop fighting!!! Never stop believing!!! Never lose hope!!<br />
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Love, Tara<br />
<br />Zenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-88821976236677546192012-01-02T14:29:00.000-05:002012-01-02T14:29:20.653-05:00I'm not making any resolutions...Its pointless to say Im going to live totally ED free, and do X, Y, Z for this year and forever, so what I am going to do is say that Im going to do what I can, minute by minute, meal by meal, Im making small steps, I can make it 2 days in row without purging, and I have lessened the exercise, most likely because I feel like royal shit, I'm sure its partly related to my ED, and also because I have picked up a virus. Its positive though to be able to not go for a run when Im sick, I would have normally just heavily medicated myself and went anyway and most likely got even sicker, I do need to go tomorrow after clinical but hopefully I will be feeling better.<br />
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Its hard a bit though, I was extremely triggered by a girl on FB that I was in tx with, she literally stated the amount of weight she lost, and its allot, she is in medical hospital right now and is allowed to have her phone and computer, I'm not sure if she realizes how triggering it is to hear that someone has lost such a large amount of weight. I didnt comment, but she showed pics and it was just not needed, by myself and im sure others,.<br />
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I want this to be a year that I make long lasting changes, not go to tx get all gung ho and then crash, small steps is what I need, in my own enviroment, as long as im moving forward, it shouldnt matter the pace. I know if I dont move forward I will die, my body cant take what it used to, Im already have some heart and GI issues so I just need to keep going, eat the food, not throw it up, and exercise what feels good for my body not what ED demands, the world wont crumble if I run 4 miles instead of 8, in fact Im sure that 4 miles is a perfectly nice amount of miles to run, very healthy I bet, so tomorrow, thats what Im going to run, and im not going to eat less because of it, Im just going to except it and know my body will thank me for it.<br />
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I m not feeling well so I have about 30 min so I can rest t hen I have work for school to do, so you know what, Im going to lay down, and my body will thank me for it, Im sure.<br />
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Happy New Year everyone, and remember its not a sprint, its a marathon, the finish line is the goal and its going to take time to make sure it lasts but oh its going to feel so good when I finally reach that red tape, anything worth having is worth fighting for!!!<br />
<br />
Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-75124099526911942632011-12-18T14:40:00.000-05:002011-12-18T14:40:22.222-05:00untitledIm not sure I can do this anymore. Its all to much. To much pressure. Im not used to being responsible financialy, to be going to school so that I can get a real job, I couldnt get out of bed, not til after 12, sure I got up to get the kids breakfast but it was hell then I layed back down, I called my pdoc at 11:30 last night feeling very manic, she told me to take extra risperdol, and hence I was snowed this morning I was also up til 2:30 in the morning, I have laundry to do, and drug cards, and a final on thursday and clinical tomorrow and tuesday, and I dont know when I will get to wrap presents, and I wish I could go run, I feel weak and I keep having dizzy spells, I havent purged since tuesday, K scared me, and it takes me white knuckeling most days, I bought a yoga video, havent done it yet, but I will try to, Im very depressed, with boughts of brief mania thrown in for fun, I hate that I have such disordered food issues, I hate food and its power over me, I hate that I have dug my own hole again, I hate that I am 500 pounds at least it feels that way, I hate that my kids do nothing but fight and zack blames everything on me, he rages at me all the time and most days I just want to run away, I hate that he killed himself, I hate that I am single parent and really hate that I hate my life, because its no way to live, Im not sure how I will make it through the week, Im actually not sure how I will make it through the day, im just so completely overwhelmed and just well sad, and the hard part is I cant curl into a ball, I actually have things that need to get done, and somehow I have to muster the strength to actually them., sorry so pathetic but I needed to write and be honost with myself causes im dying insideZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-15003251416837116202011-12-16T22:58:00.000-05:002011-12-16T22:58:44.867-05:00Tomorrow never comesevery night before I go to bed I tell myself I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow I will follow my mp. Tomorrow I wont purge. Tomorrow I wont run to much. Tomorrow I wont Binge and then vomit...its always tomorrow, today was pretty bad Ed wise and I didnt realize how bad it was til I nearly passed out in the bathroom at the restaurant we took my kids so that they could get ice cream after thier christmas musical (which was awesome by the way, Isaiah was in it for the first time and he was just sooooo cute)., I had coffee this morning, school all day, ran 8 miles, target shopped, took some laxitives, showered and went to thier play for 7, around 9 my face felt hot, I had floaters in my eyes and felt unsteady, I literaly felt my face go from hot to drain into a cold, clamy state. Im exhausted. I will be up all night because the laxitives will kick in around 2 in the morning, so TOMORROW I will feel even worse, I hate the tomorrows, the what will be's. Will I be ED good or normal people good, can I recover for good, or will the next 18 years of tomorrows be like the last 18, will I even make it that long...Im filled with such hatered for myself, The only reason I took the laxitives was to cause myself physical pain, I promised K I wouldnt purge until I see her Wed, she laid into me and gave me a really graphic description of what could happen to my kids if they were to find me passed out in a pile of vomit, I never think it will be me, but it could be, it could be me, so I found a new way to hurt myself. Im trying to make a life for the kids, but killing myself in the process, my girl Bella suggested "that I might be afraid if things go right" and she might be right, cause really my life has been a train wreck for the last 15 years, abusive relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, ED, abusive marraige, husbands suicide, its always been something, and now Im taking some control over the direction, but Im also sabatoging it, I dont know whats going to happen, I really dont, but I do know that Tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not, and its up to me what Im going to do about it.Zenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-57738529169268311682011-11-21T20:47:00.000-05:002011-11-21T20:47:29.469-05:00shamedoing something that you are completely ashamed of....and having an eating disorder dont mix because the two "feed" off each other, I found out today that I did something (which I dont care to mention) incrediably horriable while being extremely drunk the other night and ED has loved every minute of it, I have yet to eat today, and seeing thats its nearly 9 I most likely wont, well I had milk in my coffee...I started clinical rotation today then ran for an hour and as soon as I stopped running like the second I stopped I was flooded with the shame all over again...im humilated, I want to hide, but I cant, I have to face these people ( who by the way think what happened is rather comical, I however do NOT) so being somewhere unfamilar mixed with shame and a little guilt thrown in for fun, my ED is having a field day and it has just right now dawned on me that the 4 day holiday I get this week comes along with thanksgiving, you know the big holiday that revolves completely around FOOD!!! for hells sake I cant catch a break, I would really like to go to bed wed and not wake up til mon. but that wont happen, thankgod I see S tomorrow, she will be thrilled with my behavior after nearly 2 weeks of doing well, im such a fuck up.Zenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-48122650725025325592011-11-12T18:00:00.000-05:002011-11-12T18:00:17.640-05:00I can post again...I think I can say that at least for right this minute I am going to be okay. I have followed my mp since wed. It was really tough to hear what my team had to say, S was very worried and upset, where she couldnt really keep it hidden ( I have been seeing her for 10 yrs) she said she thought by christmas I would be in the hospital (medical) and she was afraid that since I refuse to make an apt with the Ed doc that I might not get the help in time, considering what happened 3.5 yrs ago with my heart and it pretty much failing to the point that I was admitted for 12 days at the age of 28 on the cardiac floor, well that says allot, then after seeing K on wed. she was getting kinda snippy and I point blank asked if she was mad at me and since i have been seeing her for 5 yrs she was like "No, I am just so fustrated that I cant help you, nothing I say or do helps, you dont text me when I ask you to, you dont call, you dont bring in the food to eat with me and S, its like you just want this to happen." and the thing is I dont, I feel completely overtaken by my ocd, stuck, frozen. But my kids and school and OUR FUTURES depend solely on me, and I will not let them suffer because thier mother cant get a hold of her own mental illness, I have a good hold on the bipolar, the meds are finally working anxiety is supper high but Im not manic or depressed, but that will only last so long without eating, the meds need protien to work, anyway, I feel a bit more confident, im still very ritualistic, and everything must be just so, but I am eating, my dinner is actually cooking right now, I was meant to have some Wang bowl from chipolties but I walked in and couldnt I didnt know how anything was made so I am making the pretty much same thing here, rice, black beans, chicken, salsa all on a salad, kinda nervous as its a ton of food, but she says I need it, I already talked with her today and if I run the 6 miles I need to eat for it, so I m gonna.<br />
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okay lovers, wish me luck and that I stay this strong<br />
<br />
Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-188494120408452842011-11-07T17:28:00.000-05:002011-11-07T17:28:25.670-05:00Maslow's theory and the idiot girl who knows nothing.Friday Nov. 4th was a pretty horriable day. Last class of the day and we were discussing Maslow's theory. The pyrimid of the hierarchy of human needs, the bottom tier being basic needs such as oxygen, food, water ect. The top tier being self actualization. Pretty much feeling complete in life, socially, finacially, emotionaly...you feel like you will continue to evolve, but are content in your life, you have high self esteem, you are not worried about things like what people will think of your oppinions, you are comfortable. YOU ARE HAPPY WITH LIFE.<br />
<br />
Well this twit of a girl ( who happens to know about mike and his suicide) took it apon herself to state that she read a "study" that people who have reached the self actualization stage feel that they have completed everything there is in life so they KILL THEMSELVES. Which if she even had bothered to read the lecture she would have seen that in that stage we still CONTINUE to evolve. Well as you can imagine I became very upset and tried to state my case that suicide is something that occurs when someone who has a mental illness reaches thier breaking point, you never hear of someone killing themselves because they are just so dam happy right? Yes, this girl was a fuck wit and I was highly upset by her "theory" but even more upset that she refused to listen to any other statements regaurding her not only ignorant but highly WRONG statements. I all of the sudden burst into tears, and ran from the room. I couldnt stop crying. I was unbelieveably triggered and nearly had a panic attack in the bathroom, I cried for a full on 30 mins at school, thankfully I had some wonderful classmates who helped me through a very difficult time. Unfortunately I have been having flashbacks and panic attacks all weekend, I can not stop the thoughts, Im not sure why this triggered such a reaction, I have talked about Mikes suicide at lenth and am able to talk about it and able to educate others on mental illness but this, this statement took away everything that I believe to be true, people suicide because they seen life has nothing to offer, that thier pain will never end and they can not see a way out, NOT because the were so freaking happy. <br />
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I think maybe part of it was that she was giving such misinformation, so skewed from the truth I couldnt handle hearing one more word and add that to the fact that she KNEW my story and how sick Mike was and still proceded to carry on with this nonsense, with no regaurd for my feelings and no problem argueing with me just to make herself seem more knowledgable. It was a combination of rage and grief swirled into one horriable moment, and I felt completely out of control. I hate that this girl had so much power over me and that her false statements impacted me so much but they did and they still are.<br />
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I shook while driving to school this morning with the thought of having to face this girl who knew how much she was hurting me and continued to do so, I want my head to stop spinning, I want the rumination to stop, I have been trying to ground myself all weekend but havent done so well, my one and only consoulation is that she is now hated by the entire class as now EVERYONE knows about mike, but also what a complete ass she is.<br />
<br />
so thats the story of Maslow and the idiot girl<br />
<br />
The EndZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-59200625359354071812011-10-22T10:05:00.001-04:002011-10-25T15:50:32.281-04:00Thankyou but I will be taking a break.until I am doing better, I will be taking a break, Im embarassed to say how Disordered I have become, I dont want to trigger anyone, and really Im just quite ashamed, I will be back however when I am able to pull myself out of this.<br />
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Love and best wishes to all, I will continue to fight!!<br />
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Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-7854983643502514262011-10-19T21:03:00.000-04:002011-10-19T21:03:08.354-04:00It takes a tollnearly 17 years of disordered eating totally makes your body weak and unable to "bounce back" quickly, it also has the same effect mentally, my compulsions old and new have been consuming me, compulsively drinking numerous quarts of water a day to be "clean", certain numbers for certain meals (cal) miles run, mashing the 4 food choices I have into mush so it doesnt even resemble food (S pointed that out to me last night when she asked what and how I was eating my food)...I spent half of second class thinking about what I will weigh December 22, why that date I dont know but thats where my mind for a good hour today. Physically Im just a bit tired but my mind is exhausted, I know this is all anxiety related, its got to be, my grades are still good I am averaged a 95 in all three of my courses, but I am slacking, its not showing yet but it will, im just tired, I will be studying a solid 3 hr block tomorrow evening for a large exam on friday, I have barely even looked at the material. K wants to weigh me but I refused, usually I get upset but eventually comply, but not today or last week, i wouldnt do it, I see no need, I know I dont eat even to enough but Im to afraid to deviate from what feel sorta okay, and yes I have lost quite a bit of weight Im still not underweight so I see no point, tells you have fucking fat I got :( anyway I just feel really lost emotionally not sure how Im going to muster the courage to fight harder, Its like Im so afraid of doing poorly in school I become paralized and focus on numbers all numbers, Im probably not making any sense but can any students or former students tell me how they managed to preform well in school and not let it drive their perfectionistic obsession with numbers over take your mind, because numbers are constantly bombarding me, and not just the drip rate factors and medication doses and grades but all the other ones too im sure you know what I mean.<br />
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much love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-38376955656599606032011-10-14T06:48:00.000-04:002011-10-14T06:48:04.739-04:00The stress of school and maintaining a "good enough" average is wearing on me, I make mostly high 90's but when that 86 or 84 comes around I beat myself into the ground. I feel like a circus clown, juggling the kids, housework, classes, studying, bills, the sale of my house, running, Recovery and if I drop a ball(one of those things) everything will crumble, well I did, I dropped a very important ball, I have let my Recovery become the last thing I bother with, I stopped following my MP cause I was to "busy" to plan, and because I became manic, then crashed...I became and am obsessed with numbers, all numbers not just calories, grades, my pulse, my blood pressure, time, where there is a number I am obsessed, strange compulsions have come about like drinking excessive amounts of water ( very knew to mean I used to restrict fluids as well) I was always dehydrated, now I am over hydrated, hypotonic to be exact. my K level dropped ( I didnt go to DR, just had excruciating leg cramps, so I forced myself to drink Gatorade, like the real stuff not the G2, and dt pepsi, cause well there is sodium in that....anyway...I have tried unsuccessful this week to stop with the negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, compulsion's and the like, I will only drink 64 oz of O2 today, and a gatorade, and I will eat 3xs, something, even if they are spaced really far apart and I will not purge, I seem to manage 2 small meals but somehow the third raises my anxiety to new level...I will practice the three Ds Delay.. Decieding ... Distract....Delay by decieding what I need and distracting by doing what it is my body or mind really need, it may just be something as simple as resting as I dont do that much anymore.on a positive note cause this post sure needs one the kids and I went shopping and the house is now all Decorated for halloween, it look soooo cute and Im so glad we did it, its normalcy, they arent used to me being around so little and its something we always did, and it made them happy and I dont think the candy hurt either..."just one more piece ma??" I heard that line all night...it was okay though, any who, off to start my day, pray it goes well and I shall pray for your.<br />
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oh ps I havent had a drink in lets see...since Aug 27th and I feel pretty dam good about it !!<br />
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Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-46362445841335178292011-10-08T13:13:00.001-04:002011-10-08T13:15:17.761-04:00Its badI am not ready to talk about it yet...I will but not yet, I just needed to put it out there that I will cause if i dont fix this, I WILL FUCK EVERYTHING UP!!!!!<br />
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crap<br />
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Im okay dont worry I have just got tangled in this web and need to untangle myself and when I do I will not be humiliated ... because right now I am hanging my head, not quite sure what to do<br />
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super crapZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-83708881986018162182011-10-04T19:35:00.000-04:002011-10-04T19:35:36.360-04:00Bad dayI must tell myself it is just one day, that one bad day does not mean it will spiral into many strung together...I saw S today, but I dont feel much better which is odd, I cried, I think she wants to support me in this school thing but doesnt want me to feel like I "have" to do this, that I could always change studies, or go part time instead of the 32.5 hrs a week I go, plus studying plus being an only parent, but thing is if I DONT do this I will feel like an epic failure and most likely will nose dive...all this crying and self doubt, being so critical of myself, feeling like a complete retard, all of it stemmed from getting an 84 on an exam, its a far cry from the high 90's and 100's I had been getting, I have 2 big tests tomorrow and my confidence has been jarred...Im scared, weepy and feel at a loss...and<strike> ed is having a field day </strike> and that I am sure is playing a role, as I did study tonight but really wished I could have gone to the gym...sigh...I promised S I would eat dinner, so I am off to do that now...before I just say screw it.<br />
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TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-72490409985835837312011-09-29T20:25:00.000-04:002011-09-29T20:25:10.360-04:00Stability?? and some other musingsSince removing the Lexapro on saturday my mood since monday has been well relatively stable...I feel okay, I think, I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out...I have been very between the kids and school, keeping the house up, the gym, homework, appointments for ALL of us.....just general life. I didnt have school today and my day went like this up at 6 (thats sleeping in) get kids ready, make them breakfast, calm zack down from a panic attack, gym, shower, 4 yes 4 loads of laundry washed dried and put away, cleaned my car, grocery shopped, put everything away, cleaned the floors, studied, picked up kids, back to target to pick up scripts and do a little shopping (rain boots for the kids and a sweatshirt for me) make the kids dinner, help them with thier homework, give baths, make their lunches, watch tv with kids for half hour.....an hour ago I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but I must have gotten a second wind, blahhhh, I need to get up at 4 to study as I have several tests tomorrow and got to wrapped up in daily living things to study enough today....<br />
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Mike has been weighing heavily on me, I am grappling with the "how could he possiably be dead?" question, it seems unreal, some days it feel like a life time ago he was here, and some days it feel like hours, it all still haunts me and the more I am going through school and knowing I will actually have a career the more it piles on me that he is not here,and would I have actually done this if he were still here...would I have had the motivation?? I mean it was something I always wanted to do but never did...why did I wait??? I bet hes angry with me, for just having been such a lazy bitch while he was alive, only caring about my disease, and the kids, I wasnt nice enough to him, I sure as hell didnt save him, I was a lousy wife, he wasnt a great husband but maybe if I had been better he would have tried harder to quit drinking...and I still come back to almost three and a half yrs ago I just about died, so how in this world am I the one who is still here, my heart nearly quit, I was laid in a bed with a tube shoved down my nose cause even with my heart rate at 22 and my QTC line so prolonged that I could have went into cardiac arrest at any minute I still refused food....and yet I am the one still here, doing fairly well considering it all...It all just drags at me, I still cry allot, well some weeks allot and some not at all....is this the healing process...I dont know some days it just feels like hell and some days I actually think I will make it...ofcourse, I have great guilt in actually thinking that I WILL make it....I suppose though I need to get over it because at shit as it makes me feel I am the only one left to raise our babies and that needs to be done, so I guess Im here at least another 14 yrs, most likely longer as it would still be traumatic for an 18 yr old boy to lose his mom....<br />
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dont know, Im not suicidal, I just think about death allot...and the fact that it WILL all end at some point, it could be tomorrow, but it could also be 50 or 60 years from now, I suppose I should gear up for the latter no matter how daunting that seems...I just noticed something...Im actually thinking and preparing for the future....I havent thought about anything but making it through the day...minutes....until just recently....maybe there is hope for me yet???<br />
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just maybe...<br />
<br />
Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-12375049364790178502011-09-26T21:54:00.000-04:002011-09-26T21:54:35.056-04:00its officialI have been dx Bipolar type 1 and I am devastated...I saw pdoc tonight and she wasnt shocked at my feeling about the dx, shes relieved and hopes that with removing the anti depressent and keeping the two mood stabilizers and anti anxiety on board I will stabilize....I have this heightened awareness, and a curiosity for so many things...we were talking and i was reading this HUGE book she has on herbal medication (there are thousands and thousands) she let me take it home and said i could read it til my heart was content and bring it back when i felt I had read or learned enough from it, I took it and im excited to start looking through it maybe i can find some herbal medicines that could replace the pharmacological ones i am on...not likely but i could research....hopefully i will have some time this weekend....I made a diagram of a cell tonight...out of cake, its red velvet cake and blue frosting and numerous molded candies to represent the different parts, it was extra credit so I did it...it didnt have to be cake, it could have been playdoh i just have a draw to food products :)<br />
anyway, I have been up since 4:30 am and really should get some rest...and try not to think that I have been labeled with a disease that makes others think you are insane....sigh...im really very upset about this.<br />
<br />
love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-54888757505985934772011-09-24T11:40:00.000-04:002011-09-24T11:40:32.439-04:00Bipolarevery time Pdoc says it I cringe, I hate it, and after not drinking for quite somte time the episodes have gotten pretty bad...when I used to get manic I would drink so I could sleep and it would depress me so for a long time I was able to skate under the radar with a Bipolar 2 dx. I prefer that much more, but my pdoc could never understand that when in hospital they would up my lexapro and I would get manic so much so they(hospital)they would constantly be giving things to do, art work and their paper work and taking me on walks and more art and I would get home and resume to my drinking and the mania would disipate but I have drank only a handful of times since march and the episodes have become obvious, to the point that when I crash its horriable and I am ashamed at the things I have said, although being able to work for hours on end is pretty nice...to bad you always crash....anyway I dont know, Im pretty upset about this dx I know I shouldnt be but I am, my ED is popping up and eating has become difficult, more because when I am up I have no hunger and when I crash Im so low I dont want to eat, I have saw K last night and am going really hard to follow the mp, its just hard when your hunger cues dont seem to be there...anyway, I did get my paper done last night I was very energentic, took my pills around midnight, woke up a few times and today am just feeling blahhh, although I did clean my house from top to bottom, the bleach still smells on my hands, guess i should have worn gloves...okay guess I should shower now.<br />
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love you all<br />
<br />
TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-56947942993001585262011-09-21T06:42:00.000-04:002011-09-21T06:42:26.054-04:00EncouragementThis whole playing with my meds is just sucking the life right out of me, I I feel like a walking zombie, Im sooooooooooo Tired, Im going to go get some no doze because my eyes are burning and I need to stay up in class, I got a 98 on my micro final but was pissed it wasnt a hundered, last night S said to me "its a marathon Tara, not a sprint" I need to remember that and perfection really isnt the goal, its to graduate, a patient isnt going to ask did you get a 98 or an 85, as long as I do my job right, anyway, Im completely exhausted and really really depressed, S thought that I would be in the fetal position by today, but Im pushing through it took every oz of strength I had NOT to leave class early, but that would have been giving in, and I wont. Its not a sprint its a marathon...I just need to remember that and pray this depression passes...BIPOLAR SUCKS! But I am strong and will manage, I just need some encouragement cause right now Im feeling really shitty.<br />
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Love TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-87339259779873279422011-09-19T19:35:00.000-04:002011-09-19T19:35:36.088-04:00Where there is mania...There is always a horriable crash...<br />
<br />
I have crashed<br />
<br />
I feel absolutely horriable, I left lecture 2 xs today to cry, I called my pdoc on lunch, you knew this would happen, and added MORE risperdol ( I HATE RISPERDOL) but it works, In my tears I said maybe I should just taking them (my meds) so I could be manic again , because that sure beats this, she assured me you always eventually crash and that it would just be even worse, she asked me if I needed the hospital, I adamently said, appartently her and S spoke and because I was soooo manic last week they anticipated this crash, she asked if I was suicidal, ofcourse I said no, but honostly at the time I was, I had my mom come stay with me this afternoon, I just didnt feel safe...I cried mysrlf last night, deep long sobs...somehow I managed a 98% on my micro final, which is good cause if i wrecked my average it would have sent me off the deep end, ofcourse I wanted a 100 but thats just my perfectionism...pray this med works and that things go well with S tomorrow, I really just feel so low, I cant even manage a fake smile, and with all these mood swings, my eating has been nil, I need to fix this all school is to important to me, I despertly want to do well, I need to, I started reading "intuitive Eating" I have had it forever but never read it....im not sure how to really apply it as my hunger and fullness cues are just messed up, and I have no real foods I crave, even when I would B/P it would just be whatever was on hand, i never bought binge food, it never tasted good, it was more about the purge, anyway Im depressed and just want to feel better...please dear god just let me stabilize.Zenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-50552148718241662142011-09-17T06:11:00.002-04:002011-09-17T06:12:03.187-04:00Cant comment...GRRRRIm sorry guys I have been trying for days to comment on peoples blogs but it just wont let me, it keeps saying my account is not authorized to comment..I cant imagine why, its getting super fustrating, because I see so many people struggeling and I want to reach out , I write realitivly long comments and then they wont publish, Im supper fustrated, if anyone knows how to remedy this please let me know because I am getting so annoyed, know its not that I dt care but rather blogger being a twit!<br />
<br />
<br />
Love TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-44698290987917547582011-09-16T06:59:00.000-04:002011-09-16T06:59:37.825-04:00Crazy couple of weeks...So this is the end of week three for school, its going well I have so far had 5 tests, ending two courses, these are intensive courses, as we complete the LPN program in 10 months, 6.5 hrs school per day and about 2 hr study time every day, among all my other responsibilities, My appointments, the kids, laundry cleaning kids homework, cooking etc...I wake up at 4:30 every morning and most days dont return home til 6 or 7, several nights it been 9, alyssa has started hip hop and ballet which doesnt end til 8:30 on tuesdays, so we get home late that day because we all also have therapy that day, with it all though I have recieved a 94 in my nursing theory course and 95 in my A and P course and a 88 in micro, but the last one could change as we have a massive NYS state today which if not passed by the second time kicks you out of the course....<br />
<br />
Anyway until this week I was getting pretty much nil sleep like maybe 2 hours a night, that combined with massive loads of studying, kids, responsibilities, gym etc, I turned massively manic, to the point where my Pdoc was like if we dont get this under control we are going to have a problem, so my meds were changed, and within a couple days I leveled out I am now getting about 5.5 hrs to 6 hrs a night i ma still struggeling to take my pm meds as I have some wierd, not so much fear but feeling that "Im going to miss something"...very odd but I am trying....with the mania came some definate food struggels , the need to eat felt nil, hunger wasnt really there, so I am struggeling to get that back on track...working on it.<br />
<br />
Mikes Birthday was tuesday that was a very stressful day but, an offer came in on my house that day and we did some negotiaing and we setteled so in 4 days my house will be sold pending no issues are found with the house ...yeah!!! didnt get what I wanted but I so needed to get from under it!<br />
<br />
and lastly I am moving into my new place tomorrow so I need to do a bunch of packing tonight and moving stuff around,I am slightly still manic...maybe you can...okay I gotta go get to school.<br />
<br />
will write soon<br />
<br />
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love you all<br />
<br />
Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-50080581527649843482011-09-07T06:59:00.000-04:002011-09-07T06:59:11.590-04:00No sleepthat about sums it it up, I am averaging about 3 hrs of broken sleep a night, fall sleep about 11...11:30 and wake an hour later ...wake for an hour sleep for an hour ...wake ...sleep, this morning I was so sick of it I just got up at 4 and studied til 6...while I have never had very good sleep hygiene I am trying and its just getting worse, clearly my meds arent working and I know if this continues I will crash and burn, the lack of sleep make me hypomanic, evening are the worst because although my body is tired I feel like I must keep moving, I started exercising about a week ago and you would think that would help but nope, I study and my ocd doesnt allow me stop except for at certain points, thank god I see pdoc tomorrow, I can not afford to burn out this early, I cant even look foward to the wekend because no matter what I cant sleep, and it doesnt help matters that my kids seem to wake up durning the night so if per chance I am sleeping they wake me up...IM SOOOO FUSTRATED!!!!!<br />
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Does anyone have any ideas to aide in sleep, Im going to buy melatonin today, I hope its okay to take with my reg meds, oh and intrusive thoughts of M are back, this is all proving to me most difficult.<br />
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Love TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-50527780402420256672011-09-05T10:57:00.001-04:002011-09-05T10:59:34.618-04:00Suicide Prevention week<a href="http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/"></a>It started yesterday but better late then never, September 4th through the 10th.<br />
<br />
As you know this hits very close to home as haveing had M actually succede in his suicide and me haveing on horriable drunken occations overdosed the most recent haveing been in march.<br />
<br />
Please Take a moment to reach out to those you love and even those who just seem lost, you never know if your kind word or gentle smile will give someone just a bit of hope.<br />
<br />
Feeling suicidal is probablly one of the worst feelings in the world, its not so much about wanting to die but wanting to end your suffering, it is not a sign of weakness, just of a very hurting soul. Everyones tolerance for how much suffering they can endure is different and haveing other mental illness plays a huge role in being suicidal and actually attempting and succedeing at suicide...Please if you are feeling suicidal, desperate and alone reach out, I implore you...Your pain seems so much more then you can bare, BUT it can get better with talking and treatment, and possiably medication, please before you take that final and permanent action...<br />
<br />
If you live in the U.S. you can call 1-800-273-8255 thats 1-800-273-HELP<br />
or<br />
<a href="http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/">www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/</a><br />
<br />
If you live in Australia the help line is LifelineAUSTRALIA 13 11 14<br />
or<br />
<a href="http://www.helplines.org.au/">www.helplines.org.au/</a><br />
<br />
<br />
Please reach out..YOU ARE VALUABLE...and WORTH THE FIGHT!!<br />
<br />
Love, TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-42025058720537113512011-09-02T05:59:00.000-04:002011-09-02T05:59:43.386-04:00burning eyes...I didnt go to bed til after midnight and i was up at 5 am yesterday, Alyssa was scared and felt the need to wake me up at 4:30 am. Im going to be exhausted later, school starts at 8 i need to be there by 7:45...to fingerprint scan in, how wierd is that they take attendance by scanning your thumb, guess i really have been out of school a long time :). Its an excellerated LPN program so over the next 10 months I will be taking 14 courses re:32.5 hours of classes per week, I am purchasing my books today and it has been suggested by my A and P teacher to read the first 10 chapters by wendsday...really 10 chapters?? im going to have quite the work load, they said its not possiable to do well without doing at least 2 hours of studying per night.<br />
im a little overwhelmed the kids start school on thursday which means they too will have homework and reading and dinner and baths, then my studies. my mom plans on helping I just hope it all works out, its going to be an intense 10 months, but I know it will be worth it, clinical starts Nov.21, our first rotation is in a nursing home there are 4, but my second rotation is in 2 of the 3 major hospitals here in the good old capitol of NY, Im soooo excited, I cant wait to work at Albany med center, you get to do your rotations on 2 out 5 units, Obstectrics, med surge (like I could be in a OR...surgery really??) Pediatrics, Trauma or ED (emergency Department), I would LOVE to help a women give birth, pediactrics seems like it would be hard, it would be really heart wrentching to see children suffering, but ED, that would be exciting I think, there are children there too ofcourse, but still it would be cool. <br />
After I graduate, sit for my boards and get a job I plan on eventually continueing my Education, I know this is going to be hard but Im actually pretty excited about learning and being around other adults.<br />
I have been a little manic lately due to the lack of sleep so I will need to keep an eye on that, Lunch was difficult yesterday soooo many people, I went to my car and drove to rite aide and found a marathon bar and dt mountain dew and ate in my car...not sure what i will do today, thats going to be a challange i will have to overcome, there is a Mr.sub next door, where i could get a 6 in turkey and veg sub, im sure i eventually will its just going to take some time. I have started walking again, i need to watch that too to make sure i dont get obsessive, but its also important to get in some exercise for my health and sanity:).<br />
I had to fill out an emergency contact and medication list...that was embarrassing, the meds I take are pretty classic for bipolar, so its going to be obvious, need to make sure my mood stays stable, I dont to give them any reason to think Im not capable.<br />
we have two courses Im really excited about mental health (lol) I will ace that:)and nutrition and wellness ( I could probablly teach the class on nutrition)...<br />
<br />
hmmmm what else??<br />
<br />
I think thats about it for now, my eyes are still burning so I think its time for one more cup of coffee...oh yeah last night I re read all my blog posts from 2010 to march of this year...I have come soooo far, I cant believe 6 months ago I overdosed, thats the furtherest thing from my mind now, im actually excited...lets see how I feel while Im reading those 10 chapters :)<br />
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Love to all, <br />
TaraZenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709375526155793906.post-5180295531456126092011-08-31T20:55:00.001-04:002011-08-31T21:24:23.601-04:00first day of schoolIts been 11 yrs since I have had a first day of school, 11 yrs...at the moment I am seemingly calm. I am hoping that I sleep tonight and dont wake up at 3 in anticipation of the day, I always wake up numerous times a night but usually I take an extra sleep med and am able to fall back to sleep but I wont do that if I wake tonight out of fear I wont wake up on time. I dont have to be there til 8 but I am waking at 6, and leaving at 7:15, its only 15 min away but I want to stop at Starbucks get my grande non fat latte and be early, I have this horrendous fear of being late.<br />
<br />
So anyway, on my last post...I want to explain where all the ED thoughts came from and why they are unfortunately still here...my childrens T Dr.B has been doing allot of research on how to help children with mood disorders who have not had much success with medication...Zack has been officially dx with "mood disorder w/bipolar traits" he has been on numerous medications, many he was allergic too, a few that there were no benefits from, and one that worked but caused him to gain 20 pounds in 4 months so he had to come off it, that was at the end of april...so here we are of another new med with seemingly no benefits :( so she suggested a "mood" diet minimal sugar, no processes foods, no artificial sweeteners, hormone free, organic produce, no red or yellow dye, no fast food...just allot of NO'S, and that is just the tip of the iceberg she hasnt even got into ratio's yet, needless to say I have been hyper sensitive and completely anal about everyones food intake, what it is, whats in it, where its from, what nutrients are in it, I have been spending quite a bit of time grocery shopping, planning and preparing food, ...in addition to the diet changes, she also suggested more structered exercise times, while she thinks that thier active play is wonderful and extremely beneficial to their health Zenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03857291235181694200noreply@blogger.com4