Saturday, October 22, 2011

Thankyou but I will be taking a break.

until I am doing better, I will be taking a break, Im embarassed to say how Disordered I have become, I dont want to trigger anyone, and really Im just quite ashamed, I will be back however when I am able to pull myself out of this.

Love and best wishes to all, I will continue to fight!!

Love, Tara

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It takes a toll

nearly 17 years of disordered eating totally makes your body weak and unable to "bounce back" quickly, it also has the same effect mentally, my compulsions old and new have been consuming me, compulsively drinking numerous quarts of water a day to be "clean", certain numbers for certain meals (cal) miles run, mashing the 4 food choices I have into mush so it doesnt even resemble food (S pointed that out to me last night when she asked what and how I was eating my food)...I spent half of second class thinking about what I will weigh December 22, why that date I dont know but thats where my mind for a good hour today. Physically Im just a bit tired but my mind is exhausted, I know this is all anxiety related, its got to be, my grades are still good I am averaged a 95 in all three of my courses, but I am slacking, its not showing yet but it will, im just tired, I will be studying a solid 3 hr block tomorrow evening for a large exam on friday, I have barely even looked at  the material.  K wants to weigh me but  I refused, usually I get upset but eventually comply, but not today or last week, i wouldnt do it, I see no need, I know I dont eat even to enough but Im to afraid to deviate from what feel sorta okay, and yes I have lost quite a bit of weight Im still not underweight so I see no point, tells you have fucking fat I got :( anyway I just feel really lost emotionally not sure how Im going to muster the courage to fight harder, Its like Im so afraid of doing poorly in school I become paralized  and focus on numbers all numbers, Im probably not making any sense but can any students or former students tell me how they managed to preform well in school and not let it drive their perfectionistic obsession with numbers over take your mind, because numbers are constantly bombarding me, and not just the drip rate factors and medication doses and grades but all the other ones too im sure you know what I mean.

much love, Tara

Friday, October 14, 2011

The stress of school and maintaining a "good enough" average is wearing on me, I make mostly high 90's but when that 86 or 84 comes around I beat myself into the ground.  I feel like a circus clown, juggling the kids, housework, classes, studying, bills, the sale of my house, running, Recovery and if I drop a ball(one of those things) everything will crumble, well I did, I dropped a very important ball, I have let my  Recovery become the last thing I bother with, I stopped following my MP cause I was to "busy" to plan, and because I became manic, then crashed...I became and am obsessed with numbers, all numbers not just calories, grades, my pulse, my blood pressure, time, where there is a number I am obsessed, strange compulsions have come about like drinking excessive amounts of water ( very knew to mean I used to restrict fluids as well) I was always dehydrated, now I am over hydrated, hypotonic to be exact.  my K level dropped ( I didnt go to DR, just had excruciating leg cramps, so I forced myself to drink Gatorade, like the real stuff not the G2, and dt pepsi, cause well there is sodium in that....anyway...I have tried unsuccessful this week to stop with the negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, compulsion's and the like, I will only drink 64 oz of O2 today, and a gatorade, and I will eat 3xs, something, even if they are spaced really far apart and I will not purge, I seem to manage 2 small meals but somehow the third raises my anxiety to new level...I will practice the three Ds Delay.. Decieding ... Distract....Delay by decieding what I need and distracting by doing what it is my body or mind really need, it may just be something as simple as resting as I dont do that much anymore.on a positive note cause this post sure needs one the kids and I went shopping and the house is now all Decorated for halloween, it look soooo cute and Im so glad we did it, its normalcy, they arent used to me being around so little and its something we always did, and it made them happy and I dont think the candy hurt either..."just one more piece ma??" I heard that line all was okay though, any who, off to start my day, pray it goes well and I shall pray for your.

oh ps I havent had a drink in lets see...since Aug 27th and I feel pretty dam good about it !!

Love, Tara

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Its bad

I am not ready to talk about it yet...I will but not yet, I just needed to put it out there that I will  cause if i dont fix this, I WILL FUCK EVERYTHING UP!!!!!


Im okay dont worry I have just got tangled in this web and need to untangle myself and when I do I will not be humiliated ... because right now I am hanging my head, not quite sure what to do

super crap

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Bad day

I must tell myself it is just one day, that one bad day does not mean it will spiral into many strung together...I saw S today, but I dont feel much better which is odd, I cried, I think she wants to support me in this school thing but doesnt want me to feel like I "have" to do this, that I could always change studies, or go part time instead of the 32.5 hrs a week I go, plus studying plus being an only parent, but thing is if I DONT do this I will feel like an epic failure and most likely will nose dive...all this crying and self doubt, being so critical of myself, feeling like a complete retard, all of it stemmed from getting an 84 on an exam, its a far cry from the high 90's and 100's I had been getting, I have 2 big tests tomorrow and my confidence has been jarred...Im scared, weepy and feel at a loss...and ed is having a field day  and that I am sure is playing a role, as I did study tonight but really wished I could have gone to the gym...sigh...I promised S I would eat dinner, so I am off to do that now...before I just say screw it.