Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It takes a toll

nearly 17 years of disordered eating totally makes your body weak and unable to "bounce back" quickly, it also has the same effect mentally, my compulsions old and new have been consuming me, compulsively drinking numerous quarts of water a day to be "clean", certain numbers for certain meals (cal) miles run, mashing the 4 food choices I have into mush so it doesnt even resemble food (S pointed that out to me last night when she asked what and how I was eating my food)...I spent half of second class thinking about what I will weigh December 22, why that date I dont know but thats where my mind for a good hour today. Physically Im just a bit tired but my mind is exhausted, I know this is all anxiety related, its got to be, my grades are still good I am averaged a 95 in all three of my courses, but I am slacking, its not showing yet but it will, im just tired, I will be studying a solid 3 hr block tomorrow evening for a large exam on friday, I have barely even looked at  the material.  K wants to weigh me but  I refused, usually I get upset but eventually comply, but not today or last week, i wouldnt do it, I see no need, I know I dont eat even to enough but Im to afraid to deviate from what feel sorta okay, and yes I have lost quite a bit of weight Im still not underweight so I see no point, tells you have fucking fat I got :( anyway I just feel really lost emotionally not sure how Im going to muster the courage to fight harder, Its like Im so afraid of doing poorly in school I become paralized  and focus on numbers all numbers, Im probably not making any sense but can any students or former students tell me how they managed to preform well in school and not let it drive their perfectionistic obsession with numbers over take your mind, because numbers are constantly bombarding me, and not just the drip rate factors and medication doses and grades but all the other ones too im sure you know what I mean.

much love, Tara


Angela E. Gambrel said...

Tara, I have spent the last year of graduate school either really sick with AN and looking like walking death, or blacking out and crashing into walls, or trying to pull myself together and start recovery. I finally did it this year, starting Dec. 28, the day after my husband left even though I was still passing out...but that's another story...and if I had known it was going to be this hard, I would have never went back to school. But I did and I will be done in May, and part of me is so proud I stuck with it even though I have had professors tell me that I am so stubborn and any other student would have quit by now, but I'm not a quitter and neither are you. You can still turn this around and go back to recovery. It is stress driving all this; I know from experience. But you have to eat and remain healthy to do your best in school and I think you will be a great nurse some day, so please chose to keep working on getting better. What was so great about being thin, anyway? All it brought me was having my heart broken...I am still struggling, too, and with the other thing, but I am determined to make it and I know you can too!

Angela E. Gambrel said...

P.S. How did I do it? I turned it all over to God and my ED psychiatrist. When I try to follow my way, I fail each time. I just did what he told me, ate how he told me, and gained to the weight that he told me I needed to be at. Now I lost a few pounds this summer, so I am back to trying to regain three more pounds to be at the weight he says I need to be. As far as the other thing (I can't mention it in public, but I think you know what I am talking about), I have slipped three times now since I vowed i would stop...I have to quit before I blow my kidneys or liver, and I already have a small tumor on one of my kidneys. I guess I also try to think - how do I want my life to be? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life counting calories and fighting my body all the time? I'm 46 and this is just so tiring. Remember - choose to LIVE! :)

firefly said...

Tara: Same as Angela at my lowest points weight wise until 08. My senior year all as but it came with a price. Our bodies are getting older they don't bounce back as easy. Settle for A and Bs and get sleep. I used studying as a distraction from food. Trust your team and I know you also have the added stress of raising kids. We aren't super women!!!!Hugs! Sarah omg I almost signed like I would a guest book. Ha!!!!Love ya!